Moving Forward

P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 46; no MO day 3; no SUBS day 18

Very busy these days. @Blondie cheers for the thoughts and rigour! I will have a think and hopefully a thoughtful reply soon. I should say that I am only half way through the book so any thoughts I have had reflect that.

Wishing everyone a great (porn-free) day!
 
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 52; no MO day 9; no SUBS day 24

I'm definitely not firing on all cylinders but am in a better place these days. There has been a pain about abstaining in the past which isn't there at the moment. It's not exactly that there are zero urges and thoughts, I'm having them now as I write this, but it's more that I'm not holding it up emotionally as the answer to my problems. In the past I have been screaming it internally "you've got to stop", "you are going to lose everything", "why are you like this?", but emotionally still laser focused on porn being the only thing that could make me feel a certain way, or stopping me feel some way. I decided not to scratch mosquito bites because I know that the aftermath of scratching is worse than the bite itself. It doesn't mean the bite is not there. And in the same I way I think I am internalising the same for PMO. It's not that the world will necessarily end if I do it once, but it's just not worth the costs at this stage. So I'd rather not.

If I had seen myself make that statement at almost any time over the past 4 years I would have been aghast at the apparent nonchalance of it given where I have been and what I have seen. But given that no one is forcing me to go there, not wanting to seems to be the strongest option I have. Not looking at subs and getting myself riled up is really helping; also my friend who is going through the divorce hasn't drunk for 17 days and is doing a lot better. We are checking in with other about our progress and it feels great. I told him a bit more about my story and also coming back on here and I think he has more of an idea of the mess I made/got myself into. I think it maybe sounded a bit silly to him before but being taken seriously is a real boon.
 
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 58; no MO day 1; no SUBS day 30

I didn't follow through with my 30 day goal (did 2 weeks) but making sure not to do the 3 in 24 hour thing. I don't think my goal is to completely stop MOing but rather to change the compulsive nature of my behaviour. And to do that I think I do actually have to MO and then moderate my behaviour. I haven't worked out the ins and outs of that yet. I have no such desire to do that for porn. But I do want to change the idea that MO is a gateway to escalating behaviour as it has been in the past. So that if and when I do it isn't a self fulfilling prophecy.
 
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 59; no MO day 2; no SUBS day 31

Urge to MO is very high at the moment. Things have been quite bad relationship-wise for a while and I think it might be a mixture of wanting self-soothe from stress, chaser effect, and habit. Honestly, when I MO'd the other night I didn't think of my partner - I pictured scenes from the past (before our relationship) and embroidered fantasies from that. In the past of course, especially using porn so compulsively, this wasn't an issue for me. My perspective was always that what goes in my eyes and what lurks inside of my mind has always been my business. But right now I feel like this isn't healthy. The manner in which I MO'd was a little like cheating; I had the choice to think of her. I chose not to because I was upset and thought of someone else - and those thoughts would hurt her if she saw them. Suddenly it doesn't seem as simple as I used to think.

Last night I had pretty bad insomnia and woke up from a terrible dream in which some of the dynamics from my previous porn use where physically real and I was there, in person, not anonymously behind a screen. I woke up glad that it was a dream but also more cognizant of how desensitized and uncaring it was making me.

On the plus side it's coming up to 2 months, which I am thankful for.
 
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 61

It's been two months and that feels good. One area that it has helped with is I am being a lot more engaged and present with my son. Looking back on my personal journal in the lead up to coming back on here is a difficult read for me. A circle of panic attacks, self-loathing, resentment, and fear. Reading back on the past 2 months, most things externally are the same, and there are a lot of the same negative circles. But I'm out of the maelstrom. I do feel I have chosen the light.

I decided to stop counting MO. I will just stick to the rule that if I want to do it, it isn't more than once a day and it should be for pleasure, not out of compulsion. If things start to slide in then I will start counting again. I think I want to change the thought that there is something wrong with it; there are just far more effective stress relievers. I will continue to not look at subs and also to work with the desire to ogle. Sticking with the porn counter and goals of course. I'm looking forward to 90 days porn-free. I've been grappling where I am with it at the moment. I certainly feel more confident about leaving it alone. It's popped into my head a few times how I could just do it any time I want to and I have even considered it for a moment like "I coooooouuuulllldddd" and funnily enough it didn't feel like a game of chicken with a crushing inevitability. It felt more like one of a number of options that I could take in the moment. On the other hand there is a part of me that is impatient and wants to say "I'm never doing it again" or "I'm done"...but after the last time I did that I went into a very dark month; so I'm going to try not to get ahead of myself.

My friend's divorce has been finalised but he is a month sober and has finished The Freedom Model before me. He says he doesn't really feel like drinking and feels the best he has in a long time - despite the stress of the divorce proceedings.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Hi Prommers, I like what you write above. I think there is one thing absolutely common in all of those who move away from their compulsion (note I am not saying “addiction”) and that is a sense of serene and calm control. Counting or not counting, battling against the enemy….all the theories….there is clearly no one answer. But psychological change I believe is paramount. You sound like you’re there and if you are then I, for one, am very pleased.

Stay calm and carry on.
 
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 63

Thanks @GBS I certainly feel like there is some psychological change going on but I'm going to try and avoid to many grand declarations for now!

After a rough patch at home I decided to lean into my partner instead of pulling away and it has had a positive effect on both of us. My son's UK passport has been approved after a protracted and expensive 6-month process. I've been very busy but I'm actually feeling good right now, well today at least. And I haven't been able to say that for a very long time without some kind of caveat.

Sending love and strength to everyone on their journey.
 
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 66

A bit of slippage on the MO journey and some escalating subs behaviour but I have course corrected. There was a part of me that had been thinking that anything less than perfect behaviour was a certain slippery slope, but I think I'm working through that. If things start to get out of whack because I lose focus, I have the tools to get back on track.

Discipline is self love for your future self!
 
Last edited:
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 67/no MO Day 0/no SUBS Day 0

Struggling a bit. I'm not as changed as I was starting to let myself think. I experimented with turning off the counter for MO and I think I am not ready to do that right now. I have also logged back into IG and have been looking at bikini models. So I want to take a week off and go from there. So many nooks and crannies of habit. The time between running a bath and getting in is one for me. Allowing myself an episode on my phone in bed because I worked hard etc. Back on it!
 
Last edited:
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Blondie said:
Hey, @PrometheusUnbound. This is all understandable and makes sense. However, remember this, any "questionable" activity does not automatically lead back to porn. If there's anything we learned from that book, let it be this

You got this.
Click to expand...
Thanks @Blondie Absolutely. I can feel it wasn't just physical habituation but outdated thought patterns too. The idea that questionable activity automatically leads to porn makes it a certainty that it will; and that is sometimes hard to shake because it absolves me of some responsibility. And that can be seductive in itself. But I am responsible for what I choose to do next and it's good to be reminded of that. Cheers!
 
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 70/no MO Day 3/no SUBS Day 3

Some nice family time this weekend after a very tiring week. Enjoyed the boxing - congrats Terrence Crawford. Was a little gutted to hear about Ricky Hatton - RIP good sir. I haven't finished The Freedom Model yet as I got a bit sidetracked so I think it's time to give another good crack. The questionable behaviour during the week was just that, not a wormhole straight to the hungry ghost realm. Chaser effects were bothering me more; it feels a little like how the hangovers would last so much longer than the the drinking and eventually eclipse it in cost - I don't think I enjoy being as horny as I used to.

Wishing everyone a happy porn-free week.
 
Last edited:
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 75/no MO Day 8

Actually I'm afraid of a lot of things; but not currently in fear of going back to where I was before. I'm not waiting to fuck up as an inevitability (although of course I will fuck up in many ways many times). If I look at a picture of someone in a bikini, it doesn't mean I am going to walk like a zombie over to the computer and look at porn for 3 days. It just doesn't. Those two things do not need to be related - but I have had the tendency to make that connection compulsively for a very long time.

Also at home I have managed to mostly move on from living in fear of where my partner and son are and that something bad will happen to them. Communication and also love in general is back in our household. My partner gave me the space to work through my worries. That combined with getting out of getting bogged down in the escalating mire of porn use has helped me see more light. In turn I have stopped acting like a resentful flatmate and been more like a loving partner of late. I really grateful for the magic of having a 3-year-old - and it's clear that mummy and daddy being nice to each other is having a positive effect. He is less needy towards his mum; and isn't choosing one of us.

I have found the book How To Love Better by Yung Pueblo enormously helpful in helping start to change my attitude towards my relationship. It starts off with how to love yourself better; which compulsive porn use hasn't helped me do.
 
P

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 85

Things are good. I did get into a little negative circle with MO and porn subs that left me feeling a little trapped recently but out of it now and heading back in the right direction. One good thing about it, and some recent periods of a similar nature, has been that they have been pretty self-contained, and not small dominoes falling onto progressively bigger and bigger ones until everything is flattened. It's more feeling trapped by ill-discipline and then finding ways to get back on track. One recent one was doing the housework while my son and partner were having an afternoon nap. Another was going for a jog. We went for a long bike ride by the river yesterday. My partner and I are more of a couple at the moment than we have been in a long time. It's having a very positive effect on the household. I have noticed more recently how much of my life and emotions are fueled by the sense of not being good enough and it's something I need to face more rather than soothing with porn and MO (and also blaming others for my issues).
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top