Moving Forward

GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Dear @PrometheusUnbound - how you deal with the difficult phases of your journey will define you. It’s not easy. Your brain will try anything to make you go back. There are literally millions on this planet who can’t resist. They probably don’t understand that there’s a problem. Their brains have nothing to fight against. We are the few who spotted the problem and are fixing it. Our brains do NOT like it. They do not like it at all. The wonderful feeling we have - and you must be getting it with 40 days no MO (by the way, well done, impressive) - is the brain changing. Never stop. Never forget the good you are doing. You inspire
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
GBS said:
Dear @PrometheusUnbound - how you deal with the difficult phases of your journey will define you. It’s not easy. Your brain will try anything to make you go back. There are literally millions on this planet who can’t resist. They probably don’t understand that there’s a problem. Their brains have nothing to fight against. We are the few who spotted the problem and are fixing it. Our brains do NOT like it. They do not like it at all. The wonderful feeling we have - and you must be getting it with 40 days no MO (by the way, well done, impressive) - is the brain changing. Never stop. Never forget the good you are doing. You inspire
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Much appreciated GBS.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

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No PMO Day 107; no MO Day 45

For the moment, my relationship with porn is stable. I have accepted that I don’t use anymore. I get some urges, and have to stay on the path but it’s not really a streak for me. It’s a new phase in my life. It is confusing. I am having to face emotions and problems sober, that I have spent years avoiding, and it’s difficult to do. I had relied on porn, alcohol and other drugs/vices for so long. Now I am not I can see myself more clearly, and there are a lot of things about my behaviour I have to work on and change. I have to really listen to my partner more; not poke fun at her so much; take on more duties; not try and control things because I am scared. I am too avoidant and reactive. The positives are that I finally have the opportunity for some real change in my life. Learning about the shape of addiction, and studying basic Buddhism is giving me a way forward into the future. Porn wasn’t the source of all my issues, but became a major backbone for them. Leaving it behind is showing me it’s possible to change the story.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

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No PMO Day 113; no MO Day 51

After a difficult couple of weeks, my partner and I learned some things about each other and ourselves. We are communicating more openly and with less fear of judgement. I have found that if admit I may have been wrong, or jumped to conclusions too quickly I don't actually lose anything, and there are some things to be gained.

Our sex life is returning a little. There are a couple of things that I have noticed related to the reboot journey. One is that I am still not sure what is porn desire and what is mine. Certainly a lot of the compulsion has gone, but there are still some triggered behaviours I have, such as suddenly thinking about group sex, or the sudden need to talk about open relationships when things get going. My partner is fine with it, but I have a long way to go before I work out what is healthy. The other is just that it's all a lot shorter. It isn't so focused on me, and I am not trying to greedily prolong everything for as long as possible.

I'm not sure what my goals are for no MO, but I think I will go for 90 days and review the situation.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
I've been listening to the Secular Buddhist podcast every morning and also making sure to meditate at least 10 minutes per day. It's given me a new shape, and the beginnings of basic tools to move forward. One episode mentioned the book: Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. I'm not personally that interested in 'success' but the basic premise has been intriguing to me.

A 'fixed mindset' views intelligence as fixed. This will lead people to need to look smart and thus :
  • avoid challenges/the chance of failure for fear of looking stupid
  • view effort as messy and not worth it
  • ignore useful criticism
  • be envious of others' success
When I heard this list, it felt like it was describing me to a T. I think this mindset is what porn has nurtured and solidified for me while purporting to offer me comfort.

A 'growth mindset' views intelligence as something to be developed, leading people to:
  • embrace changes
  • persist despite
  • view effort as the way forward
  • learn from criticism
A fixed mindset has a deterministic view of the world. A growth mindset has a notion of free will. I have always believed in determinism, that the basest of my characteristics will always win; that I will always take the easy way out; that I am fundamentally deficient and a bad person; that I will turn into my father. I am starting to learn, especially during this reboot time, that nothing is completely set in stone. It is possible to change. The effort that it will take will be worth it, not because I will be 'successful' but I can live more fully and authentically and also give my son another way of viewing the world. One which isn't based solely on fear.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
We’ll said. Deserving of more than a “like” . Described me too and you put your finger on it when you placed porn in there. It glues together that fixed mindset. How many people on earth have we just described? That was rhetorical- many millions, right?
Change, persist, make effort, learn from (good) criticism. So bang on. Thanks my friend.
 
Aeodh Dan

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
It's a tough process. I caved in last week due to stress caused by chronic back pain.
So, it's always something, isn't it?
Meditation does help slow things down, and generally, when things slow down, they are more manageable I think. My mornings are the best time of day for me, because I don't feel pressured or rushed during this time of day, now if I could only extend this feeling to the rest of the day...
You are in a tough spot with a baby and working through things with your partner while at the same time recovering from your porn addiction.
For me, it has to be one day at a time, that's the only way I can go on right now, just making it through this day, and then I'll see about tomorrow.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Aeodh Dan said:
It's a tough process. I caved in last week due to stress caused by chronic back pain.
So, it's always something, isn't it?
Meditation does help slow things down, and generally, when things slow down, they are more manageable I think. My mornings are the best time of day for me, because I don't feel pressured or rushed during this time of day, now if I could only extend this feeling to the rest of the day...
You are in a tough spot with a baby and working through things with your partner while at the same time recovering from your porn addiction.
For me, it has to be one day at a time, that's the only way I can go on right now, just making it through this day, and then I'll see about tomorrow.
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Really sorry to hear of your recent travails. I hope you have forgiven yourself. I feel like learning to slow down is probably good for us all. It is the busiest I have ever been in my life but I am trying to make time for slowing down.

I enjoyed your poem (although I appreciate you may not have). It danced with the Buddhist topics I've been looking at recently.

All the best for this day today.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

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No PMO Day 116; no MO Day 54

I seem to have a recurring bacterial infection. This time it's on my behind, which makes walking and even sitting down very difficult. I had a moment earlier where I hobbled up the stairs, stubbed my bare toe on the edge of the top stone step and realised I had forgotten the thing I went down for. I couldn't flinch from the toe stub because any sudden move is more agony. I had to laugh and sing. Then I hobbled down and had a cold shower.

Because I had to observe myself in the moment and stop myself from hurting myself more, I noticed that flinching from the toe stub is me using porn. It's a knee jerk reaction to immediate pain. The infection on my leg and butt are my deeper problems. Because I knew about my infection, I could avoid doing something to exacerbate it, even though it seemed natural. In this way, because I am more aware of some of my underlying issues, I can avoid exacerbating them with porn. It's a new thing for me.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
During my years of looking at porn I've engaged in a lot of unhealthy magical thinking. First, and earliest, I thought it was teaching me what women want and how to be good at sex. Then at various points I actually thought that it was helping me. I thought looking at different races was helping me be a better, non-racist person. I thought that looking at different body types helped me become less judgemental. Furthermore, I thought that looking at non-conventionally attractive people made me compassionate. With more off-colour material I would picture myself as if a debauched character from an arty novel or a film. It's amazing that I have at one point or another actually thought all of these things, when all the literal opposite is true. Porn has taught me to be a selfish and inattentive lover, fetishise race and gave me the capacity to objectify almost anyone, and it made me boring, not interesting. I really thought it was helping with my anxiety, when it was multiplying it several times over. I thought it was merely sating my appetites; it was creating them in an endless feedback loop. I haven't been able to distinguish between what are fantasies in my head and what was actually going to happen, and I've never been able to fully trust myself or my motives.

It's crazy to think about.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Blondie said:
This is so true Prometheus. I ironically laughed as I read this post, because it rings completely true for me.

The shit and excuses we tell ourselves is quite impressive. If only we could tell ourselves better lies that would be more conducive for living a better life.

Best
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Thanks Blondie. It's quite laughable isn't it? I think this time for me is about shrinking the gap between my internal world and 'reality' as much as possible.

It just occured to me that I like your idea of the smirk. It's best not to take everything too seriously in the end.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

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No PMO Day 117; no MO Day 55

Piggybacking off a recent post by @GBS:

I think integral to my own current journey is the idea that porn was not the cause but a symptom no matter how pervasive and encompassing that symptom appeared to be. While I don't doubt that a lot of people get hooked because it's enjoyable and addictive, I think its function is mainly to fill a hole that was already there. And white-knuckling it, replacing it with positive habits for a time, and beating myself up after isn't necessarily going to be enough without addressing the causes of what led me there.

Before I hit my personal rock-bottom this year, I had flirted with the idea of change for the past few. Wrote many, many lists. Diagnosed my problems. Tried to get into shape at various points. Stopped looking at porn here and there. Started music art/again. Meditated in patches. Kept a journal for a few weeks. Swore off junk food for a month. Stopped drinking and smoking. Told myself I. am. too. negative. must. be. more. positive. Read. self-help. Learned about the idea of opening the door and incremental change. Got stressed/sick. Back to square one. Rinse and repeat. And then somehow things got worse.

I am realising that positivity is something to be practised. It's not just the case that if I do X, Y, or Z I will be happier and more positive and therefore won't go back. And then when I don't do X, Y, or Z and am not happier and more positive and do go back I beat myself up about it and then make another promise to myself for the future. Positivity is also finding out why I am so negative and trying to change the focus or the story. What stories have I been saying about myself, life, and the world that are keeping me going round in circles? The things that I have been afraid to face, or was unaware of because I hadn't taken the time to look. How can I look at these in a different way? How can I find fresh, beginner's eyes?

Eyes that are not afraid to embrace change.
 
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