Moving Forward

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
@Aeodh Dan Agreed. Allowing things to come is something I have tried to hide from and resist, but it just seems to lead to more difficulties and stress. I picture porn addiction as a crying face trying to force a laugh.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 135; no MO Day 73

One aspect of Buddhism describes suffering as arising from the disparity between one's expectation of reality and reality itself.

If I don't PMO, MO or ogle, I am missing out on pleasure; actually I am missing out on more pain.

I used to think I was special but not believe it; neither are reflections of reality. They breed unrealistic expectations.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 136; no MO Day 74

A few recent observations:
I am aware of sexual urges a lot of the time during the day. I am not sure what proportion of the day I spend in this state, but it seems a lot. I’m not sure if this will fade as time goes on or not. If it doesn’t, I think it’s manageable in my current mode. I am enjoying being in control for now. My partner and I have about once a week or fortnight at the moment, which isn’t that bad given we have a baby and are both very busy with work.

I had a nice work interaction with a lady in my office whom I have spent far too much time sexualising in the past, whether through MO fantasy, social media lurking, or just staring at her. It had become weird for me, and I have dreaded seeing her there in my time getting clean. It was normal and friendly. I wasn't a creep. It felt good. Co-incidentally I had just been writing about her and how I wanted to change the situation in my personal journal. So, it's progress.

On a slightly darker note, last night I was reading through the messages that a famous comedian allegedly sent for someone to make a sex tape for them, which someone had posted up online. It was grim. I kept going; I’m not sure if this was a good idea or not. I could feel a dark part of myself stir a little, not turned on but in the past this would have been a gateway to getting off. It was eye-opening though. It was so dirty and porn driven. I am not a completely different person but there is some distance between me and those fantasies now and was sad, selfish, dirty and devoid of love or compassion. They only cared about getting off, and were clearly corrupted by porn/sex addiction. I hope I never get into that mindset again.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
there is some distance between me and those fantasies now
That is the result of work my friend, thank you for being a guiding light for the rest of us!
I know that your journaling is a big part of it, writing all of this stuff consistently is vital to the recovery journey.
My mind is conditioned to view women a certain way, and it takes a lot of effort to see them simply as fellow human beings with struggles, dreams and hopes.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
That is the result of work my friend, thank you for being a guiding light for the rest of us!
I know that your journaling is a big part of it, writing all of this stuff consistently is vital to the recovery journey.
My mind is conditioned to view women a certain way, and it takes a lot of effort to see them simply as fellow human beings with struggles, dreams and hopes.
Much appreciated @Aeodh Dan .

I think one good thing about journaling is that it can be about listening to myself as well as talking. It's an important way I can see and face my patterns and stories (I don't seem to like it when other people point then out to me so much).

I definitely have much of the same conditioning and I think you are right it takes a lot of effort. I am trying to think of it as practice. And if I practise these things they will improve. I try the suggested think of someone as a daughter/mother/someone having a good or bad day etc and it can feel stilted and unnatural in my head. But I do believe if I do that rather than ogle it will become the dominant habit.

I feel you are making great progress and positive steps despite working with some complex issues. So keep going. It's great to be on the journey with you!
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 138; no MO Day 76

I’m reading the journal of Saville, a poster on yourbrainrebalanced.com who turned his life around in his 50s. He’s pretty open and candid about his mistakes and journey. I want to be like him, and face myself; and move forward. It is becoming more clear to me these days the extent to which porn has shaped me and my desires. I have written about it and considered it a bit so far, but little things keep turning up in my head, oh that’s why I kept trying for that with her, or I didn’t used to do that, or why did I do that, oh porn, that’s embarrassing. And then I start to feel a little shame start to rise, and nakedness, the desire to hide from it and then remember this is a big part of why I am doing this. I need to accept the truth of it, so I can change it.

Recently I was looking through some old magazines I have for making a collage piece. I chanced upon a picture of a lady lying legs akimbo in a flesh-tone 1 piece looking angrily at the camera. It was an ad for a contemporary dance performance asking why she should have to put up with (pressure for) anal sex from her boyfriend. It made me cringe. I was that boyfriend (to maybe all my partners). The hours and hours that I have tried to turn something intimate and fun into a porno vanity mirror without thought of the effect it was having. Porn telling me this is what you could/should be having, and the ladies love it, they just don’t want to admit it because of what society says. I was really convinced it was true. Or at least I managed to convince myself. As the days pass, just how ahold of my psyche, thoughts, stories, emotions, worldview, motivation, self-worth and relationships with others becomes more and more apparent.

My son is sick at the moment. My partner and I are very busy with work so it's hard to juggle things. I am glad I made a commitment to supporting her at the beginning of the week. It has really changed the way we interact and how we are dealing with stress. I find I have more energy for things despite the tiredness. We started something sexual last night but had to stop abruptedly. There is still a large entitled part of me that was aggrieved inside, but I am learning to let it go more quickly. And I'm no longer internally (or externally) blaming others for me not getting off, thank God, as if that is someone's 'fault', especially in circumstances beyond our control.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Really good journal Prommers. Love to read your prose. I am rushing around but would love to write more in response but the whole thing about a sex life projecting previous porn movies resonates. Leaves me wondering what my sex life will be when I h a fully recovered and my wife has too. Scary and exciting I think.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Really good journal Prommers. Love to read your prose. I am rushing around but would love to write more in response but the whole thing about a sex life projecting previous porn movies resonates. Leaves me wondering what my sex life will be when I h a fully recovered and my wife has too. Scary and exciting I think.
Thanks @GBS I hope more exciting than scary, unless that is what you are after!
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 140; no MO Day 78

Emotionally I have been a lot more stable recently. I think it has coincided with making a decision to be more supportive to my partner. In other ways I am a lot more emotional though. Yesterday I kept either crying or being on the verge of tears. My son passed me a coin that was on the floor when I asked him (instead of picking it up and putting it in his mouth and choking on it), then he did it twice more. I think it was the most clearly intentional interaction we've had. He is changing so quickly, picking up new skills, new ways to express himself. I keep finding myself welling up.

My partner and I had short, really great sex a couple of days ago. I spoke to her about it the next day, and commented that it had been the most present and intense for me for a very long time, and that I had considered bringing fantasy into it just for a split second before deciding to just enjoy our time together. She said that it hadn't felt like sex but more like connection or love. I like the way that she described it. Mine is very couched in terms of my recovery. I guess I still think of it as getting off but in a more healthy way. But it's also a chance to express connection and love in my relationship.

That night I had insomnia (as has happened a lot recently), felt the chaser effect and had strong urges to MO. My dreams have lately been pretty intense and crazy too; and I used to rarely remember my dreams. I've read in a few journals of this happening around the 4 month mark which is crazy to me. How can the effects be so similar in so many people? Occasionally a negative part of me wonders if we are all in some collective hysteria over nothing, soothing and validating each other in some circle (non) jerk. It's just so hard to believe that this problem of ours is an underground thing, doubted and scoffed at, when it affects so many physical, mentally and emotionally in similar ways.

I would say that up until 140 days ago I thought there was a darkness inside that was the real me and that falling apart was actually only allowing the monster to show itself and stop living a lie. This journey is showing me that not only am I not the monster I thought was hiding, I'm not really who I thought I was at all. And whatever or whoever that is can change, and is changing all the time. Now I know it's possible, I want to keep changing for the better, and I want the same for all of you too.
 
So pleased you found that loving connection with your partner, it will be the most powerful thing you can do for her, to be totally present. You may find that as you become more present in your life and with your children, it stirs great emotion and hopefully joy in you.
Congratulations on Day 140, great achievement, keep fighting for your family fella.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@PrometheusUnbound - you sound in a great place, man. Connected sex = dream territory. Huh, maybe literally. Congratulations. I was going to say I am envious but I do not have one negative emotion. Just thrilled and what she said in response is what I would write in a romantic novel. Wow. And no MO either.

Hero. Inspiring hero.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
So pleased you found that loving connection with your partner, it will be the most powerful thing you can do for her, to be totally present. You may find that as you become more present in your life and with your children, it stirs great emotion and hopefully joy in you.
Congratulations on Day 140, great achievement, keep fighting for your family fella.
Thanks a lot @Beautiful1973 I think being present is the goal. Much appreciated. Have a great day.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
@PrometheusUnbound - you sound in a great place, man. Connected sex = dream territory. Huh, maybe literally. Congratulations. I was going to say I am envious but I do not have one negative emotion. Just thrilled and what she said in response is what I would write in a romantic novel. Wow. And no MO either.

Hero. Inspiring hero.
<3
Thanks for sharing that. I think we are all waves on the same sea, sometimes up, sometimes down. Your growth is inspiring. It's candid in a way that I find difficult, I worry about the performative aspect of showing myself too much.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 141; no MO Day 79

A quiet day getting back in the saddle. Tidying, getting ready for work. Anxiety is back today. It seems to happen most at the beginning of the week and after emotional highs and increased optimism now. Maybe it's my brain reminding me we are not out of the woods. My partner and I had nice sex again though, and I remained present.

Wishing a great week to all rebooters and RN folk!
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 143; no MO Day 81

Today has been the first big test in a while. I was downloading something and a camgirl pop up window opened. I didn't see explicit material, but I knew what it was. It was a split second before I closed it. I knew the drill. It happened again a bit later, this time with some explicit thumbnails. I didn't look directly at them and closed the window as fast as I could. I know what I have to do, and I am resolved not to act out in these situations. The crazy thing is, that split second the first time awoke my porn brain. It was less than a second, but I knew I wanted to look. The monkey part of me wanted to throw all the work I've done out the window. And I've had a stomach ache since the second time. A pop-up or two appeared a few weeks ago but didn't have this effect. I guess it's a reminder that I still have a long way to go. On the other hand I'm also pleased that I'm in a headspace which doesn't allow me to act out.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
The monkey part of me wanted to throw all the work I've done out the window.
Even if you relapse, and I hope you don't of course, it's not throwing everything out the window, my friend, all your recover efforts are still there and would help you get back on your feet again. Every time you entertain the thought of going back, you are "failing" just a little, and the truth is we all FAIL EVERY DAY! It's called life! And when we fail, we get back up, shake off the dust and keep going...
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Even if you relapse, and I hope you don't of course, it's not throwing everything out the window, my friend, all your recover efforts are still there and would help you get back on your feet again. Every time you entertain the thought of going back, you are "failing" just a little, and the truth is we all FAIL EVERY DAY! It's called life! And when we fail, we get back up, shake off the dust and keep going...
@Aeodh Dan I appreciate that. Thanks for the reminder brother.

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better."
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 144; no MO Day 82

I felt a bit off all day yesterday and also woke up many times throughout the night. I think I was worried I might have relapsed or something. Today, looking back, I am in the early stages of moving dealing with a porn addiction, of course I will have urges and stress if I spend any time around it (even just for a second).

Onwards.
 
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