No PMO Day 138; no MO Day 76
I’m reading the journal of Saville, a poster on yourbrainrebalanced.com who turned his life around in his 50s. He’s pretty open and candid about his mistakes and journey. I want to be like him, and face myself; and move forward. It is becoming more clear to me these days the extent to which porn has shaped me and my desires. I have written about it and considered it a bit so far, but little things keep turning up in my head, oh that’s why I kept trying for that with her, or I didn’t used to do that, or why did I do that, oh porn, that’s embarrassing. And then I start to feel a little shame start to rise, and nakedness, the desire to hide from it and then remember this is a big part of why I am doing this. I need to accept the truth of it, so I can change it.
Recently I was looking through some old magazines I have for making a collage piece. I chanced upon a picture of a lady lying legs akimbo in a flesh-tone 1 piece looking angrily at the camera. It was an ad for a contemporary dance performance asking why she should have to put up with (pressure for) anal sex from her boyfriend. It made me cringe. I was that boyfriend (to maybe all my partners). The hours and hours that I have tried to turn something intimate and fun into a porno vanity mirror without thought of the effect it was having. Porn telling me this is what you could/should be having, and the ladies love it, they just don’t want to admit it because of what society says. I was really convinced it was true. Or at least I managed to convince myself. As the days pass, just how ahold of my psyche, thoughts, stories, emotions, worldview, motivation, self-worth and relationships with others becomes more and more apparent.
My son is sick at the moment. My partner and I are very busy with work so it's hard to juggle things. I am glad I made a commitment to supporting her at the beginning of the week. It has really changed the way we interact and how we are dealing with stress. I find I have more energy for things despite the tiredness. We started something sexual last night but had to stop abruptedly. There is still a large entitled part of me that was aggrieved inside, but I am learning to let it go more quickly. And I'm no longer internally (or externally) blaming others for me not getting off, thank God, as if that is someone's 'fault', especially in circumstances beyond our control.