Moving Forward

Blondie

Respected Member
Stay strong brother. I remember having bad dreams thinking I had just relapsed and feeling like shit when I woke up. I would often feel disturbed for hours afterwards and have days pretty much start off on the wrong foot.

It is what it is.

As you say, onwards!
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 150; no MO Day 88

It's been a busy week. There is COVID at the daycare so my partner and I have been juggling work and childcare more than usual. In the past I would have been stressed about losing 'my time' and the juggling but this time I'm loving being able to spend more time with my son. It has made me realise just how little time I spend with him in general. Things have been difficult with partner recently. She finds it difficult to face problems and also tends to say yes to things that she can't or won't do. This has been causing problems in her work and at home. I'm struggling to find a balance between supporting her, and also needing her to face it and work on it. The good thing for me is I haven't acted out, or had the urge to even when I'm feeling resentful.

I've had a quote that @Blondie posted about sobriety vs. recovery floating around my head. It basically said that recovery is action, facing yourself and making changes in your life, whereas sobriety is not looking at porn. I think I've been getting mission creep when focusing mainly on abstinence, but framed in terms of 'recovery', there are so many things to do and work on to make my life (and my family's) life better. I've been finding some balance when out and about. I don't fight the urges to ogle anymore. I know they are there, still a ridiculous amount, but I just keep my eyes ahead (no second sneaky peeks). I've almost convinced myself that it doesn't hurt.

Recently I made a commitment to not use my phone when I'm spending time with my son unless it's to play music. It's done wonders for our relationship so far I think. It makes me more present and not wish I was doing something else. The other day at the park I saw a mum and dad and young kid. The dad ended up scrolling social media while his wife and kid played. He was sitting next to me so I peaked at his phone. He was watching some sexy video on FB. My first reaction was to judge him internally. I quickly realised that I didn't know anything about him and also me judging someone's internet habits is pretty fucking hypocritical so I scaled back. I decided I was just thankful that I am where I am at the moment.
 

Sammyjo

Member
I've had a quote that @Blondie posted about sobriety vs. recovery floating around my head. It basically said that recovery is action, facing yourself and making changes in your life, whereas sobriety is not looking at porn. I think I've been getting mission creep when focusing mainly on abstinence, but framed in terms of 'recovery', there are so many things to do and work on to make my life (and my family's) life better.
I hope you don't mind me chiming in. I do a lot of reading here and somehow missed this quote. It is brilliant! What a great way to understand the difference!
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Day 150! That's a hell of an achievement @PrometheusUnbound. And almost day 90 of no MO, that's amazing.

Love your progress and all the life changes you're making.

Best
Thanks for all your support @Blondie and all you do here

Prommers, those numbers are awesome. Keep going on the “recovery”.
Cheers @GBS always following in your wake

@Sammyjo Thank you for chiming! It's amazing how eye-opening this period has been.

Onwards and upwards!
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 154; no MO Day 92

My partner and I had a fight a week ago over something I perceived as a major slight. It built up of the next few days and I became extremely resentful, when she wasn't coming to me to resolve the issue how I needed, no matter how many times I explained it. At some point I realised that it didn't really matter who was in the right and in the wrong, me holding onto this anger and that set way of doing things wasn't helping anyone get what they wanted. I decided to let it go, no hidden resentment or passive aggressive guilt-trips. I feel a lot better. She feels a lot better. Our son feels a lot better. She told me she will work on the issue.

Today I had a breakthrough during meditation. I'm on day 45. Recently my mind has been in absolute chaos when I have practised, and it has felt like everytime I remember to focus on a breath I hurtle back into a train of thought. Maybe 5 aware breaths in 15 minutes, and those are some long 15 minutes. Today I realised I can be present with my breaths in and out even if thoughts are there. I just follow each one despite the constant chatter, commentary, visions of toenail fungus, sex, something I should have replied in an argument a few years ago, how I would post about it on RN etc. etc. there was going on in there. Like when I know I want to ogle but I just look forward. It felt like the first time I was riding a bike and that all I had to do was stay on and not make any sudden movements.

I haven't O'd in a couple of weeks and am quite aware of my junk. There are vague murmurs of PMO and MO occasionally during the day/night but they feel more like stroppy half-hearted heckles from a moving car. I've made it to 90 no MO and I will continue. Cracking one out just doesn't seem as exciting as it used to and would probably open some doors I want to keep shut for now.

Have a great Sunday all.
 
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