Moving Forward
- Thread starter PrometheusUnbound
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PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
No PMO Day 150; no MO Day 88
It's been a busy week. There is COVID at the daycare so my partner and I have been juggling work and childcare more than usual. In the past I would have been stressed about losing 'my time' and the juggling but this time I'm loving being able to spend more time with my son. It has made me realise just how little time I spend with him in general. Things have been difficult with partner recently. She finds it difficult to face problems and also tends to say yes to things that she can't or won't do. This has been causing problems in her work and at home. I'm struggling to find a balance between supporting her, and also needing her to face it and work on it. The good thing for me is I haven't acted out, or had the urge to even when I'm feeling resentful.
I've had a quote that @Blondie posted about sobriety vs. recovery floating around my head. It basically said that recovery is action, facing yourself and making changes in your life, whereas sobriety is not looking at porn. I think I've been getting mission creep when focusing mainly on abstinence, but framed in terms of 'recovery', there are so many things to do and work on to make my life (and my family's) life better. I've been finding some balance when out and about. I don't fight the urges to ogle anymore. I know they are there, still a ridiculous amount, but I just keep my eyes ahead (no second sneaky peeks). I've almost convinced myself that it doesn't hurt.
Recently I made a commitment to not use my phone when I'm spending time with my son unless it's to play music. It's done wonders for our relationship so far I think. It makes me more present and not wish I was doing something else. The other day at the park I saw a mum and dad and young kid. The dad ended up scrolling social media while his wife and kid played. He was sitting next to me so I peaked at his phone. He was watching some sexy video on FB. My first reaction was to judge him internally. I quickly realised that I didn't know anything about him and also me judging someone's internet habits is pretty fucking hypocritical so I scaled back. I decided I was just thankful that I am where I am at the moment.
It's been a busy week. There is COVID at the daycare so my partner and I have been juggling work and childcare more than usual. In the past I would have been stressed about losing 'my time' and the juggling but this time I'm loving being able to spend more time with my son. It has made me realise just how little time I spend with him in general. Things have been difficult with partner recently. She finds it difficult to face problems and also tends to say yes to things that she can't or won't do. This has been causing problems in her work and at home. I'm struggling to find a balance between supporting her, and also needing her to face it and work on it. The good thing for me is I haven't acted out, or had the urge to even when I'm feeling resentful.
I've had a quote that @Blondie posted about sobriety vs. recovery floating around my head. It basically said that recovery is action, facing yourself and making changes in your life, whereas sobriety is not looking at porn. I think I've been getting mission creep when focusing mainly on abstinence, but framed in terms of 'recovery', there are so many things to do and work on to make my life (and my family's) life better. I've been finding some balance when out and about. I don't fight the urges to ogle anymore. I know they are there, still a ridiculous amount, but I just keep my eyes ahead (no second sneaky peeks). I've almost convinced myself that it doesn't hurt.
Recently I made a commitment to not use my phone when I'm spending time with my son unless it's to play music. It's done wonders for our relationship so far I think. It makes me more present and not wish I was doing something else. The other day at the park I saw a mum and dad and young kid. The dad ended up scrolling social media while his wife and kid played. He was sitting next to me so I peaked at his phone. He was watching some sexy video on FB. My first reaction was to judge him internally. I quickly realised that I didn't know anything about him and also me judging someone's internet habits is pretty fucking hypocritical so I scaled back. I decided I was just thankful that I am where I am at the moment.
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 150! That's a hell of an achievement @PrometheusUnbound. And almost day 90 of no MO, that's amazing.
Love your progress and all the life changes you're making.
Best
Love your progress and all the life changes you're making.
Best
I hope you don't mind me chiming in. I do a lot of reading here and somehow missed this quote. It is brilliant! What a great way to understand the difference!
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
No PMO Day 154; no MO Day 92
My partner and I had a fight a week ago over something I perceived as a major slight. It built up of the next few days and I became extremely resentful, when she wasn't coming to me to resolve the issue how I needed, no matter how many times I explained it. At some point I realised that it didn't really matter who was in the right and in the wrong, me holding onto this anger and that set way of doing things wasn't helping anyone get what they wanted. I decided to let it go, no hidden resentment or passive aggressive guilt-trips. I feel a lot better. She feels a lot better. Our son feels a lot better. She told me she will work on the issue.
Today I had a breakthrough during meditation. I'm on day 45. Recently my mind has been in absolute chaos when I have practised, and it has felt like everytime I remember to focus on a breath I hurtle back into a train of thought. Maybe 5 aware breaths in 15 minutes, and those are some long 15 minutes. Today I realised I can be present with my breaths in and out even if thoughts are there. I just follow each one despite the constant chatter, commentary, visions of toenail fungus, sex, something I should have replied in an argument a few years ago, how I would post about it on RN etc. etc. there was going on in there. Like when I know I want to ogle but I just look forward. It felt like the first time I was riding a bike and that all I had to do was stay on and not make any sudden movements.
I haven't O'd in a couple of weeks and am quite aware of my junk. There are vague murmurs of PMO and MO occasionally during the day/night but they feel more like stroppy half-hearted heckles from a moving car. I've made it to 90 no MO and I will continue. Cracking one out just doesn't seem as exciting as it used to and would probably open some doors I want to keep shut for now.
Have a great Sunday all.
My partner and I had a fight a week ago over something I perceived as a major slight. It built up of the next few days and I became extremely resentful, when she wasn't coming to me to resolve the issue how I needed, no matter how many times I explained it. At some point I realised that it didn't really matter who was in the right and in the wrong, me holding onto this anger and that set way of doing things wasn't helping anyone get what they wanted. I decided to let it go, no hidden resentment or passive aggressive guilt-trips. I feel a lot better. She feels a lot better. Our son feels a lot better. She told me she will work on the issue.
Today I had a breakthrough during meditation. I'm on day 45. Recently my mind has been in absolute chaos when I have practised, and it has felt like everytime I remember to focus on a breath I hurtle back into a train of thought. Maybe 5 aware breaths in 15 minutes, and those are some long 15 minutes. Today I realised I can be present with my breaths in and out even if thoughts are there. I just follow each one despite the constant chatter, commentary, visions of toenail fungus, sex, something I should have replied in an argument a few years ago, how I would post about it on RN etc. etc. there was going on in there. Like when I know I want to ogle but I just look forward. It felt like the first time I was riding a bike and that all I had to do was stay on and not make any sudden movements.
I haven't O'd in a couple of weeks and am quite aware of my junk. There are vague murmurs of PMO and MO occasionally during the day/night but they feel more like stroppy half-hearted heckles from a moving car. I've made it to 90 no MO and I will continue. Cracking one out just doesn't seem as exciting as it used to and would probably open some doors I want to keep shut for now.
Have a great Sunday all.
GBS
Respected Member
Hi @PrometheusUnbound - quick question: the 45 days, is that meditation days? I have tried and am just effing useless at it. I think I am too impatient. If it is meditation days, why count them?
Toe-nail fungus thoughts? You need help, my friend.
Toe-nail fungus thoughts? You need help, my friend.
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
Ha. Yes, it's meditation days. I'm counting because, like the no PMO I need to make it stick. I aim for it to be a lifelong practice. Also because, like you, I am effing useless at it too so it's to make sure I keep doing it. 45 days in and I have started to make some progress. I view it as working out the same mental/spiritual muscles required to not act out to porn, sexualise anything that walks - basically working on decreasing my habitual reactivity. It helps me see that I am not my thoughts and feelings, that they pass and don't necessarily need to be acted on all the time. It does NOT make me relaxed lol.
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
No PMO Day 158; no MO Day 96
This morning I was going through the photos on my phone for an art project and I came across a number things from the past that had fallen through the net or needed addressing. There was a fairly large amount of adult material that I had made with my partner, some screenshots of someone I had been social media lurking, and also of Tinder profiles. I deleted all the screenshots. I kept a couple of either arty shots of my partner or nudes which weren't pornographic and in which she looked happy (I may delete these later). It was a stark reminder of just how obsessed I was with images and videos, more excited by facsimile even during the real thing, storing something I could get off to later like a squirrel storing nuts. I saw myself in the mirror in one of the pictures and didn't like who I saw. It was a creepy pornographer who was directing what he wanted, not someone sharing in something beautiful. I felt a little lighter afterwards. Recently I had been feeling a little messy after logging onto social media a few times more than usual (usually I do it once a week). Even just logging on and starting to scroll brings back urges and cravings, so it felt good to something positive related to my addiction.
Yesterday was my son's first birthday. He had his first cake, which he loved. Later in the evening he stood up for the first time while on a video call with my mum in the UK. He screamed with delight so loudly, and just kept screaming. The other day I was riding by the river and I realised I will never exist without him being part of me. I'm going to be working on my issues for a long time, but for the first time in my life I don't wish I was somewhere else. I am where I want (and need to be). Here and now. WIth my family. Working on myself and moving away from a life of porn.
This morning I was going through the photos on my phone for an art project and I came across a number things from the past that had fallen through the net or needed addressing. There was a fairly large amount of adult material that I had made with my partner, some screenshots of someone I had been social media lurking, and also of Tinder profiles. I deleted all the screenshots. I kept a couple of either arty shots of my partner or nudes which weren't pornographic and in which she looked happy (I may delete these later). It was a stark reminder of just how obsessed I was with images and videos, more excited by facsimile even during the real thing, storing something I could get off to later like a squirrel storing nuts. I saw myself in the mirror in one of the pictures and didn't like who I saw. It was a creepy pornographer who was directing what he wanted, not someone sharing in something beautiful. I felt a little lighter afterwards. Recently I had been feeling a little messy after logging onto social media a few times more than usual (usually I do it once a week). Even just logging on and starting to scroll brings back urges and cravings, so it felt good to something positive related to my addiction.
Yesterday was my son's first birthday. He had his first cake, which he loved. Later in the evening he stood up for the first time while on a video call with my mum in the UK. He screamed with delight so loudly, and just kept screaming. The other day I was riding by the river and I realised I will never exist without him being part of me. I'm going to be working on my issues for a long time, but for the first time in my life I don't wish I was somewhere else. I am where I want (and need to be). Here and now. WIth my family. Working on myself and moving away from a life of porn.
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
No PMO Day 161; no MO Day 99
Struggling a bit emotionally the past couple of days. Periods of optimism and 'progress' seem to be often followed by crashes. Urges have been higher. Intrusive sexual thoughts of an old FWB returned for a few days. My partner and I had sex during the past week for the first time in a while and my brain was telling me to ask her if I could sleep with the FWB during sex. I didn't even really want to do it, just wanted to be permitted for the thrill I guess. I managed to stifle the thoughts and it was enjoyable enough for both of us. I considered telling my partner later in the spirit of openness, as it perturbed me, but decided to journal it out instead.
I think one area my brain still finds difficult is the difference between fantasy and reality in some quarters. I know in most cases what is unhealthy fantasy (I'm never going to see that cousin naked or go any further - thank God!), but there are some lingering desires I have that are causing me stress. In the end I managed to reason it out with writing, how even if any part the fantasy ended up happening it would be a stressful mess for everyone, and it seems to have calmed down now. And no need to create more insecurity with an unnecessary truthbomb. But it seems to be part of a larger malaise I have at the moment. I ate too much junk food while everyone was out today and I'm arguing internally with my partner a lot.
Anyways, good days and bad days. Have a good Sunday RNers.
Struggling a bit emotionally the past couple of days. Periods of optimism and 'progress' seem to be often followed by crashes. Urges have been higher. Intrusive sexual thoughts of an old FWB returned for a few days. My partner and I had sex during the past week for the first time in a while and my brain was telling me to ask her if I could sleep with the FWB during sex. I didn't even really want to do it, just wanted to be permitted for the thrill I guess. I managed to stifle the thoughts and it was enjoyable enough for both of us. I considered telling my partner later in the spirit of openness, as it perturbed me, but decided to journal it out instead.
I think one area my brain still finds difficult is the difference between fantasy and reality in some quarters. I know in most cases what is unhealthy fantasy (I'm never going to see that cousin naked or go any further - thank God!), but there are some lingering desires I have that are causing me stress. In the end I managed to reason it out with writing, how even if any part the fantasy ended up happening it would be a stressful mess for everyone, and it seems to have calmed down now. And no need to create more insecurity with an unnecessary truthbomb. But it seems to be part of a larger malaise I have at the moment. I ate too much junk food while everyone was out today and I'm arguing internally with my partner a lot.
Anyways, good days and bad days. Have a good Sunday RNers.
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
No PMO Day 163; no MO Day 101
This morning I wrote an email to apologise to someone I betrayed a few years ago. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie? Did I do it for my own benefit, or for theirs? I have avoided dealing with the fallout of it. The pain I caused them. The rifts in friendship groups. The way I haven't been able to face people after, became more and more isolated, and took shelter in my addictions (especially porn). What I do know is that if I am to be a father, I can't walk around in shame and in secret, hiding from the past. I have to start taking some accountability. Only this way can I be sure I am changing for the better fro my son. I feel sick and dizzy having sent it (though I know it's no comparison to what they went through). I used to PMO to avoid feelings. Now it's time to face them.
This morning I wrote an email to apologise to someone I betrayed a few years ago. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do. Is it better to let sleeping dogs lie? Did I do it for my own benefit, or for theirs? I have avoided dealing with the fallout of it. The pain I caused them. The rifts in friendship groups. The way I haven't been able to face people after, became more and more isolated, and took shelter in my addictions (especially porn). What I do know is that if I am to be a father, I can't walk around in shame and in secret, hiding from the past. I have to start taking some accountability. Only this way can I be sure I am changing for the better fro my son. I feel sick and dizzy having sent it (though I know it's no comparison to what they went through). I used to PMO to avoid feelings. Now it's time to face them.
GBS
Respected Member
I think you did the right thing Prommers. If you feel weight releasing from your shoulders then you definitely did right, not that this was an act of selfishness.
Facing the issues is the only option….we’ll, it’s not, but we know the other option is for weak people.
You are STRONG. Keep going, pal.
Facing the issues is the only option….we’ll, it’s not, but we know the other option is for weak people.
You are STRONG. Keep going, pal.
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
Thanks a lot @GBS The support helped; I was feeling very unsure.
They replied and were very gracious about it, said thanks for the message and that they didn't hate me or anything like that. It's crazy that they probably moved on a long time ago and the unaddressed guilt on my side has haunted me. I really let myself become a person that I don't like. But I couldn't bear for people to see it. I was so deathly scared of being seen as I am. I think part of this recovery journey for me is reducing the distance between my inner world and what I present outside. To be more concerned with how I view myself than how others view me.
Sepul0
Member
I did something similar last year, and was also rewarded with an ideal response and the feeling of a burden being lifted from me [although in my case what I did to them was arguably not even morally wrong and I was just being paranoid about it]
Feels great! And congrats on your progress overall
Feels great! And congrats on your progress overall
Beautiful1973
Active Member
I think you've done a great thing, it's always beneficial to acknowledge the pain you may have caused another person, especially when it comes to a betrayal. Hopefully their gracious reply brings you some peace.
GBS
Respected Member
@PrometheusUnbound - I am glad you did what you did. And it sounds like you are really getting a close look at yourself- is this a turning point for you. If it is….stop what you’re doing and have a long think about it. I mean for an hour if you have time. I did this while back when a light came on….actually I did the thinking on a car journey….just switched off the radio and thought. If you like the new you, and I like you, so I would hope you like you too….channel that….you’re a good man. Better than the one you were way back. Never go back to the old you. Why would we do that? For one cheap thrill?
Proud of you. Keep going.
Proud of you. Keep going.