Moving Forward

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 280; no MO Day 11

The other night I Googled [insert celebrity name here] nudes after seeing a video on YT discussing her Onlyfans page. I clicked on the first link. My App blocker stops all 18+ material, and it blocked the link. I clicked on the next two. All stopped. I then clicked on the Images tab. There were some bikini pictures, but no full on adult material. I had my ‘wtf am I doing’ moment then and closed the tab and put my phone down. I had a stomach ache and felt the jolting rush of the chase. When decided to search I half knew what I was doing. But it was through a labyrinth of twisted logic. I won’t go on a 'porn' site; I only want to see this particular thing; I won’t wank.

Celebrity nudes is probably the first thing I ever typed into a search engine as a teenager. I think I felt a little FOMO the other night. I have no problem with the idea of never going on a porn site ever again, but there is a part of me that feels aggrieved that I will never see this hot famous person naked even though so many can at the push of a button. And I’m trying to work out what that feeling is. Do I feel I am entitled to see this person without clothes? Or is it just that I have done this so many times in my life, whenever I heard of a new actress or saw a movie, Id type "[insert name here] nudes" straight into Google, that those neural pathways are still wired that way. When I said I half knew what I was doing, the other half was watching myself make a stupid decision. Just like my fellow addicts in Dopamine Nation, which I am a quarter of the way into. I had a similar feeling a while ago on another YT video where people were discussing another celebrity’s OF page. I didn’t act on it at all, but the thought and feeling of it lingered for a few days. I’m glad this time didn’t lead to a relapse, but the possibility was hovering right there. The thing that saved the situation was the blockers, and also the fact I had committed to a month of no MO. If I was MOing then the decision to step away would have been a lot more difficult.

One common denominator here is YouTube, which I would say is the most unhealthy aspect of my existence right now. I spend far too much time watching utter nonsense on it; and, similar to porn, I try to watch less and cut down, but it doesn’t really work. It is really like I swapped out one addiction for another. When I first stopped using social media for a while, the first thing that happened was YT use shot up. Another factor is probably is stress in my relationship. Now that we are back we have slipped into familiar patterns and habits. The next day I could feel that I still wanted to see the material and MO to it, and I didn't want to be intimate with my partner (I was at work and there was no chance of it anyway, but the feeling was there). It still has a degree of power over me that is quite scary .

Still, I'm pushing on. I'm lucky I didn't see it. And I will continue to be blessed as long as I don't. The only thing I am missing out on is being miserable, not something of value.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @PrometheusUnbound, first of all congrats on staying clean and yes, sometimes those blocking apps can really save us from our slave-like actions. This feels very similar to me. I too had my first experiences with nudity in a lot of ways with nude actresses etc. so I understand this completely.

Why can't we look at pictures like everyone else?

I've asked myself this many times over the last years, especially this last one. I think eventually, just as I've done with porn, I had to say that it just wasn't an option for me anymore. And yes, I got pissed about that :). All of this stuff is part of the problem, because it's all tied in together, into our habits starting from an young age, and unfortunately, it's hard to do one without the other. Obvious we "could" do one without the other, but at this point, what's really the point of the exercise? I think this time around, I finally have got to the point where I don't really care anymore, although there's moments, where I still feel it's not fair!. I saw a movie last night with a cute girl in it. Back in the day (as in after I quit porn five years ago) I would have Googled her and looked at some pictures, not nudes, but pictures nonetheless. This time around, I don't do that much anymore, I might just look her up on Wikipedia or something, but that's about it. Is that too far in the opposite direction? Probably. But does it work? Yes.

Is it stupid that we can't watch nude scenes like other full grown adults? Yeah, it's really fucking stupid lol. But I've finally come to the conclusion that a relapse would be even worse and even more stupid. We must get it into our heads that we're not "missing out on anything" if we don't see some new hottie's boobs etc. It was funny when we were teenagers looking for hot pictures of Britney Spears (that was one of many for me!:cool:) but eventually, we have to grow up. Maybe I'm going too far the other way, I totally admit that, I might even become less strict as time goes on. But I do know this, that there is nothing better than being free from this nonsense, and if that means never seeing stuff like that again, then so be it.

Just my thoughts brother.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 160; no MO Day 160
It's been a long time since my last post. I've been meaning to check in for a while but have been putting it off too. Things are going relatively well. I didn't look at porn for around 420 days before a few relapses until around 6 or 7 months ago when a period of pushing the boundaries ended in a few relapses over the course of a week. Then a couple of weeks off, then another relapse. It started off relatively vanilla. I was scrolling through Netflix looking for sex scenes like I was a teenager back in the 90s. A couple of relapses in I was heading right back into murky territory, like I hadn't learned anything from my breakdown or the hard work of the year and a half that followed. I was going around in circles. I couldn't believe that I had managed to not wank for 6 months and it was a mystery how I had stayed away from porn for so long.

The way I broke out of the cycle was redefining what a relapse meant for me. My current count of 160 is from the last time I wanked over something I looked at for titillation. It wasn't porn, but it was keeping me trapped in the cycle. I have to be honest with myself about what behaviours lead there. Thirst traps on IG are one for me. Watching Korean dancers on YT shorts. Clicking on the link of 'You wouldn't believe how this celebrity looks at 50 in a bikini' etc. So-and-so has an OF. The main triggers for the relapses where related to my partner's drinking. Part of it was to soothe the stress of some of the fights it was causing, and other parts were revenge. Like if you don't take care of your addiction why should I take care of mine? In the self-loathing of the first big relapse I internally blamed my partner. Thankfully I have worked through that mindset. I am responsible for my actions and mental health and it's my responsibility to myself and my family to look after myself better.

I try to meditate for around 30 minutes per day. This has generally helped me a lot with delaying gratification but also breaking out of the circular thinking I typically get stuck in. I am more mindful of my patterns than before. I get urges to look at porn here and there but I recognise them when they arise and know not to give them the power they crave. Meditation has also help with my patience, especially towards my partner who has just started therapy and is making a concerted effort to quit drinking. Quitting porn hasn't been the fix-all that I once thought it would be but life is certainly better without it. It has led to a burgeoning interest in Buddhism, mindfulness, neuroscience and I'm reading more than I have in years. I still struggle badly with internet addiction (which is partly why I can't really come on this site anymore) which is an ongoing process of adjusting behaviours.

Strangely enough, when I logged on just now I got this backed up aching feeling in my junk that I used to get when I had urges to watch porn. It's like a conditioned response. I don't currently identify as a porn addict, which I have found enormously helpful. For me it's the same as not drinking, not smoking cigarettes, weed, or taking other drugs. I habitually don't do it and I am happy with the idea of never doing them again. I do know that it would be very easy for me to fall back into the habit. The period of relapse showed me that. And for that I am grateful.

Anyways, wishing everybody well on their journey. x
 
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