More Advice

I keep coming back here with a new post to seek advice. It’s like every time I start to get into a rut of overthinking, I post here to let it out and see what others have to say. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months, he’s 24 I’m 25. He’s been working on his PA for our whole relationship, we started with downloading apps/blockers about 1.5 months ago. We both go to separate therapists, and we are long distance (3.5 hours and see each other every other weekend.) We have continued to advance and take steps forward, but sometimes it takes a toll on me and I’m sure on him as well.

I have anxiety issues, especially in relationships. (Situational anxiety - I am medicated recently.) As you can imagine, this doesn’t help my overthinking when my boyfriend and I get into a conversation about his PA.

Today, it was a conversation about how he’s going to block TikTok on his phone because there is too many triggers. I should be elated, right? He’s taking initiative to remove these triggers from his life. Instead, when he told me, I asked him “that’s all it takes? one look at some girl on your feed?” I was upset, jealous, hurt - I hate hearing that that’s all that does it for him. Will I ever have the peace of mind? What if we go to the beach, bikinis everywhere? I immediately felt so hurt that I focused on telling him that “I hope this gets resolved, and you put yourself in my shoes to understand how I feel when you do these things.” He says he does, all the time. I feel terrible for making him reassure me all the time, but at the same time I’m afraid if I don’t be honest with him I’ll bottle it up and explode one day.

We have great communication and are very open. He has gone two weeks at the max without relapsing, and he’s currently at 1 week and 4 days. Right after his last relapse, we installed a DNS Filter (it’s one that corporations actually use on their computers and blocks literally anything you want) on his phone and computer and blocked Reddit, tumblr, any website you could think of adult content - we thought. But it’s everywhere. Twitter, Facebook, TikTok.. at what point have we done enough to remove it from his life? At what point will I have done enough to help and it’s just up to him? And at what point will this hardest part be past us? I read 90 days and the triggers mostly subside for a lot of people - but what if he gets TikTok again and boom we are back to square one? I want to be understanding and supportive, but I don’t want to put myself in a position to accept less than I deserve…

If you’re still here, reading, thank you. This is mainly a venting post but any and all advice is helpful.

Go Flow

I think you're very brave and courageous to put yourself in the line of fire that you find yourself. Personally, I'd question my motives why I'd want to be with someone who presents so many challenges for me. I'm of the opinion that if someone is going through such a complex and hurtful addiction like porn and compulsive masturbation, then it's best to leave them to get on with it. His problems are not your problems unless you want them to be.

I think you are young, as is your relationship. So why take on these kind of problems when you could be doiing so much better for yourelf.

I really feel for partners of porn addicts, because it must be soul jarring to constantly feel so undervalued and not up to scratch.

Yes, they (we) are suffering an addiction and we need compassion, love and support, but never at the expense of the emotional well-being of the person giving it.

you need to to take care of yourself first, so if that relationship is undermining your soul growth, then why would you keep allowing that abuse to take place? I

If you keep going along with it, for what ever your reasons, then you have to take responsibility for the hell you hve chosen to keep going through, because the bottom line is you don't have to keep subjecting yourself to this kind of abuse. It's not your problem.

I think you could be a far better friend by ending it. If you really love yourself, then look after yourself. It's not like you've built a life together and have family and friends to consider.

This relationship is way too young to be accomodating this kind of dysfunction. I say free yourself. Take care of yourself and let him go. You deserve better.