I am 38 and have been using porn since puberty. I'm married (for nearly 10 years) and have children and overall have a pretty lucky and happy life. I think I've known on some level that something wasn't right for me behaviorally from a sexual nature since I got together with my wife. However, the last 6 months or so (since I randomly one day confessed my heavy porn use to my wife), I've really learned through looking inward and through therapy how much of a hindrance it is to my relationship and intimacy in my marriage as well as to myself overall. It's actually led to a lot of learning about myself including a diagnosis of ADHD, understanding how I avoid the uncomfortable at almost any cost, and how I use my intellect and abilities to push myself just enough to be successful, but have always felt there is potential I'm leaving on the table by taking the easiest way I can find every time. In this time, I've really improved a lot in terms of being able to recognize when I've avoiding things and have found myself happier, making better choices, and making progress.
The one thing that hasn't gotten fully there is the intimate relationship with my wife. With the admission about the porn use and its dominance in some of my sexual feelings and urges to my wife, she has been understandably hurt. From feelings she's always had that I wasn't attracted to her, to her own issues with her self-esteem around her physical appearance, to her own family history and challenges of not feeling loved and wanted, the admission of the porn use has taken a fairly large toll. That said, she's still worked to support me through the hurt feelings and work together to build a greater and better relationship on the other side. Things have been pretty good between us, but again, we haven't been having much sex or intimacy at all for a while - not unlike most of the time before my admission.
She always had taken my lack of interest as me not being as sexual of a person, so when she found out that I'd had a fairly large porn habit, this is what hurt her most - that I was lying and that I might not be the person she thought she knew and loved and married. She definitely had brought things up to me in the past before and I had explained them away in that nature - that I just wasn't as sexual. I always enjoyed having sex with her, but there was something about porn that made it easier and more comfortable. Until my self-realization several months ago about some deeper issues overall, I had generally attributed it to not being as physically attracted to my wife (while still being somewhat physically attracted) as I was to all of her other amazing qualities that I loved and continue to love and attract me to her. It didn't feel like I was compromising on my partner as much as I was maybe compromising on some of the physical attraction I felt due to some unrealistic expectations around physical attraction and what was attractive that I always felt held me back with women in the past. It just seemed right. I'm a good person. I was always taught it's about what's inside of people that matter and who they are as people. I don't consider myself to be the most attractive person out there, so who was I to have high standards? It didn't even feel abnormal. I didn't think most people's sexual fantasy was their spouse or partner. It wasn't like I didn't She's an amazing woman and I'm lucky to have her in my life. This is truly how I've always felt.
With my work on recent self-realization, and mindfulness, I was relieved almost to find that lack of sexual intimacy with her didn't seem to have to do with my attraction to my wife and my feelings towards her at all. I realized porn was easy and controllable and to boot, what I'd always done since I felt a sexual urge. I realized it allowed me to not have to think about my partner for my sexual needs and how that leaves a relationship to be incomplete. I never even knew what it was like to have an open and intimate relationship with a woman. I realized I had avoided a more physical relationship with a woman in the few opportunities that arose to me in my past. I learned about my tendency to avoid discomfort at all costs and all of the consequences it has caused for me. So, I was happy that my issues weren't with my wife, but were my own to figure out. I was determined to curb the porn watching and allow my marriage to have a rebirth complete with a healthy sexual relationship within it (the one big thing I feel we've had missing).
But even with all of this, I found myself still turning to porn via urges. I've been able to control it in a way I never had been able to before. I was able to explain away the urges because my wife was not there yet to be as sexually active with me (still hurt from the admission and feelings that came with it). I felt like I wanted to have sex with my wife rather than an urge for porn, but she just wasn't ready yet. How could I expect myself to get to the point I need to with this, without that missing piece that's going to replace the hole left by not urging for porn? What I realize today is that this was just myself justifying not going the full length that I knew I needed to kick the habits that I've always had from a sexual perspective and I had to do it the hard way.
Last night, my wife and I planned to be intimate. I was excited. It felt good to be excited about this! I was looking forward to doing certain things that only porn used to truly get me excited about. It also felt like a monumental step in what felt like was a recovery from a selfish and porn-centered sexuality and a true step to a new level in my marriage that was going to make myself and my wife very happy. She found porn on my phone before we even got to getting intimate. Not only was she crushed, I was too. I felt all the shame from my original admittance coming back. I felt like I had ruined all this progress we made in starting to come back together. And most of all, I realized that despite my progress, despite having the right feelings, my behaviors weren't staying up with it. I was still urging for the porn, for the unrealistic aspects of it to turn me on, for the easy, controllable, gratification that it so easily brings me. And I felt motivated to do the thing I've probably been avoiding most - getting rid of the porn.
When I hit the internet to try and research this, I found the same things I've found for such a long time when these feelings would creep in that I needed to do this. I found things that were written that I could identify with only to find out they ended in Christian-based justifications for the evil nature of porn and a bunch of things that I just plainly disagree with from a spiritual sense. This didn't feel like a spiritual challenge - I have the right feelings and intent, but I just can't get the behavior to work with that and it starts a shame cycle I can't seem to stop. If it wasn't a bible-thumping motivation about getting rid of porn, then it was scientific research saying how porn addiction isn't really a real thing and it just led me to try and justify what feels like an addiction. "What I'm doing is normal." But today, I found YBOP and this site and was attracted to the scientific and non-faith-based approach to explaining what is happening in my brain and what makes this so challenging. It also seems to include a level of accountability and habit with this forum and starting this journal that I feel is something I need to prevent myself from justifying any actions and veering from a good path.
This the first day of my reboot. This is the first time I've tried this. I've read a lot today about people relapsing. But I've also read about a lot of success. I'm trying to not get overwhelmed about the journey ahead and feel gratitude that I hopefully found a solution that will work. It seems to work with all of the things I've learned about myself the past several months. But I also realize it is a journey and while today's an important step, now that I've taken it, I just need to work on tomorrow...
The one thing that hasn't gotten fully there is the intimate relationship with my wife. With the admission about the porn use and its dominance in some of my sexual feelings and urges to my wife, she has been understandably hurt. From feelings she's always had that I wasn't attracted to her, to her own issues with her self-esteem around her physical appearance, to her own family history and challenges of not feeling loved and wanted, the admission of the porn use has taken a fairly large toll. That said, she's still worked to support me through the hurt feelings and work together to build a greater and better relationship on the other side. Things have been pretty good between us, but again, we haven't been having much sex or intimacy at all for a while - not unlike most of the time before my admission.
She always had taken my lack of interest as me not being as sexual of a person, so when she found out that I'd had a fairly large porn habit, this is what hurt her most - that I was lying and that I might not be the person she thought she knew and loved and married. She definitely had brought things up to me in the past before and I had explained them away in that nature - that I just wasn't as sexual. I always enjoyed having sex with her, but there was something about porn that made it easier and more comfortable. Until my self-realization several months ago about some deeper issues overall, I had generally attributed it to not being as physically attracted to my wife (while still being somewhat physically attracted) as I was to all of her other amazing qualities that I loved and continue to love and attract me to her. It didn't feel like I was compromising on my partner as much as I was maybe compromising on some of the physical attraction I felt due to some unrealistic expectations around physical attraction and what was attractive that I always felt held me back with women in the past. It just seemed right. I'm a good person. I was always taught it's about what's inside of people that matter and who they are as people. I don't consider myself to be the most attractive person out there, so who was I to have high standards? It didn't even feel abnormal. I didn't think most people's sexual fantasy was their spouse or partner. It wasn't like I didn't She's an amazing woman and I'm lucky to have her in my life. This is truly how I've always felt.
With my work on recent self-realization, and mindfulness, I was relieved almost to find that lack of sexual intimacy with her didn't seem to have to do with my attraction to my wife and my feelings towards her at all. I realized porn was easy and controllable and to boot, what I'd always done since I felt a sexual urge. I realized it allowed me to not have to think about my partner for my sexual needs and how that leaves a relationship to be incomplete. I never even knew what it was like to have an open and intimate relationship with a woman. I realized I had avoided a more physical relationship with a woman in the few opportunities that arose to me in my past. I learned about my tendency to avoid discomfort at all costs and all of the consequences it has caused for me. So, I was happy that my issues weren't with my wife, but were my own to figure out. I was determined to curb the porn watching and allow my marriage to have a rebirth complete with a healthy sexual relationship within it (the one big thing I feel we've had missing).
But even with all of this, I found myself still turning to porn via urges. I've been able to control it in a way I never had been able to before. I was able to explain away the urges because my wife was not there yet to be as sexually active with me (still hurt from the admission and feelings that came with it). I felt like I wanted to have sex with my wife rather than an urge for porn, but she just wasn't ready yet. How could I expect myself to get to the point I need to with this, without that missing piece that's going to replace the hole left by not urging for porn? What I realize today is that this was just myself justifying not going the full length that I knew I needed to kick the habits that I've always had from a sexual perspective and I had to do it the hard way.
Last night, my wife and I planned to be intimate. I was excited. It felt good to be excited about this! I was looking forward to doing certain things that only porn used to truly get me excited about. It also felt like a monumental step in what felt like was a recovery from a selfish and porn-centered sexuality and a true step to a new level in my marriage that was going to make myself and my wife very happy. She found porn on my phone before we even got to getting intimate. Not only was she crushed, I was too. I felt all the shame from my original admittance coming back. I felt like I had ruined all this progress we made in starting to come back together. And most of all, I realized that despite my progress, despite having the right feelings, my behaviors weren't staying up with it. I was still urging for the porn, for the unrealistic aspects of it to turn me on, for the easy, controllable, gratification that it so easily brings me. And I felt motivated to do the thing I've probably been avoiding most - getting rid of the porn.
When I hit the internet to try and research this, I found the same things I've found for such a long time when these feelings would creep in that I needed to do this. I found things that were written that I could identify with only to find out they ended in Christian-based justifications for the evil nature of porn and a bunch of things that I just plainly disagree with from a spiritual sense. This didn't feel like a spiritual challenge - I have the right feelings and intent, but I just can't get the behavior to work with that and it starts a shame cycle I can't seem to stop. If it wasn't a bible-thumping motivation about getting rid of porn, then it was scientific research saying how porn addiction isn't really a real thing and it just led me to try and justify what feels like an addiction. "What I'm doing is normal." But today, I found YBOP and this site and was attracted to the scientific and non-faith-based approach to explaining what is happening in my brain and what makes this so challenging. It also seems to include a level of accountability and habit with this forum and starting this journal that I feel is something I need to prevent myself from justifying any actions and veering from a good path.
This the first day of my reboot. This is the first time I've tried this. I've read a lot today about people relapsing. But I've also read about a lot of success. I'm trying to not get overwhelmed about the journey ahead and feel gratitude that I hopefully found a solution that will work. It seems to work with all of the things I've learned about myself the past several months. But I also realize it is a journey and while today's an important step, now that I've taken it, I just need to work on tomorrow...