"Whether we remain the ash or become the Phoenix is up to us." - Ming-Dao Deng.

phoenix

New Member
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Today, June 25, 2022, is Day 0 of my reboot!

Hey guys - this is my first post and an introduction to my life and struggles. So, Day 0!

Intro and a little background
I'm here because, like you, I have used porn to the extent that it has negatively influenced other parts of my life, and has become a pretty pervasive problem. I used to think that I did a pretty good job compartmentalizing how it affected me. I have attempted to use other "self-help"-style strategies before to try and reduce my reliance on porn, but whether it's weeks or months, I always end up going back to PMO.

This has severely impacted my relationship with my wife. We've been married a little over 3 years and have been together since we were 17, nearly 8 years ago. I grew up in a conservative, religious household with parents whose parenting style can best be described as a mix between an iron fist and helicopter parenting. Despite their best efforts, I found porn - I honestly don't remember how. I'm pretty sure I just started with some Google searches when I was around 12, give or take a couple years - my dates are approximate, my memory of my childhood has largely been blocked out.

Fast forward to 17 and I had my first PIV experience with my then-best friend, now-wife. Though I had been watching explicit content previous to this, I had never gone as far as to climax. After this, though, I started PMO while still figuring out PIV with my partner - we were both each other's firsts - and often had PIED, though I didn't know it at the time. For the first few years it was a strange mix of PIED, PE, and what I can only describe as a pseudo-refractory period, where if I approached climax but didn't hit it, I would be unable to get hard again for hours. Sometimes I could force something out with lots of stimulation from my partner and my Death Grip, but other times it wasn't so successful.

I've struggled with this dependency or reliance on these pixelated screens for over a decade now, and as I mentioned my use and PMOing has had a significant negative impact on my relationship. There were times I would try to stop, whether by going cold turkey, gradually reducing, or following yet another self-help book, but nothing stuck, leading me back to that well-worn path. Several times throughout our relationship my partner has caught me looking at images or seeing them open on my phone, and as you can imagine it's never gone well after that.

Today was my fourth or fifth time getting caught - I have to put a plan together or I'll have to find myself another place to stay, and that's when I found RN. I've spent most of my day now listening to Gabe share the science about these things from a non-secular perspective, which I appreciate because almost everything to do with religion is a trigger for that past trauma. Outside of my addiction, I have clinically diagnosed depression and anxiety, and I strongly believe I have autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or ASD + ADHD. Because of these, my addiction has always been able to convince me that I will get better on my own, that I can treat all the other things first and this can come last. Well, I got treatment and support for the other things, and my PMO habit has not improved and, I think, gotten more pervasive. It got to the point where I would plan when I would PMO more than PIV with my partner.

Last time I used porn? I didn't PMO today, but I came very close last night. The last time I did was just a couple days ago. As I implied, the last time I accessed porn was last night - the reason I'm here is because I left the tab open on my phone and my partner saw it when I went to search something before we got up for the day.

My triggers
I have found that literally anything can be a trigger for me. Whether it's an intrusive thought of a sexual nature, seeing a sultry advertisement, my brain repeating a specific explicit word (it changes) over and over until I PMO to something associated with that. Whether it's someone walking down the street or simply a sex dream (non-wet). I think of it like this: If I have a rash on my skin that comes and goes, I won't always feel the need to itch. But, when I do, it's unstoppable and I'll itch pretty much without thinking. Then, after, my frontal lobe will kick in and go "hey, we shouldn't scratch rashes". But, of course, it's too late. So I have found that when I have these triggers, they stick in my mind until I itch them and I have no idea how else to get them to leave my mind. I want it to be something not related to porn, but I don't know what that might be.

Soothing anxiety or stress
I have spent period of time where I PMOed because of how stressed I was. I've also done it out of boredom, and, of course, feeling like I wanted to. Afterwards my anxiety level increased as I had to think of ways to cover up the aftermath, i.e., clean up / shower, close tabs, clear history, etc. I would wait until nobody was in the house and every timeI was alone I'd at least think about it, whether I did it or not.

Grateful
I am grateful that I found this community - I plan to stick around and commit myself to rebooting.

Goals
I think it's important to set some goals and milestones that I can use as a reference for where I'm at in my reboot.
  1. I want to successfully reboot. For me, this looks like not being reliant on porn, being able to resist "scratching the itch", and fostering a health, loving, intimate sex life with my partner.
  2. I want to become less susceptible to all kinds of artificial sexual stimulation. As I mentioned above, my triggers are many and varied, so this is a big task, but I believe that I can make the right decisions with the help of my partner and this community.
  3. I want to address the core reasons I came to rely on porn, if there are any. I have lots of trauma and emotional abuse in my history, so I will be unpacking that with my therapist on a regular basis.
  4. I want to improve my libido and change the direction of my sexual attention and energy. Instead of turning a device, I want to turn to myself (w/o porn) and/or my partner for satisfaction and pleasure.
  5. I want to develop beneficial replacement coping mechanisms so that I don't find myself in the exact same position, just with P-Subs. Currently, I want to focus on putting my time and attention into physical activity (gym + yoga + sports), birding, journaling on the RN forums, meditation, reaching out to friends, reading, playing instruments (cello, piano, and bass, none of which I've picked up in years), and playing video games.
  6. Similar to #5, I want to build sustainable and committed positive habits and routines in general - this has been so pervasive that I honestly don't know how much is negatively influenced by it.
  7. Develop a peresonal ritual or routine for both when I'm feeling good and when I'm not. One to remind me of why I'm doing what I'm doing, and the other so that I can calm myself and bring myself back to center and what I truly want, before relapsing.
Ramblings
Well, I have no idea how frequently I'll be posting in my journal here, but I'm sure it won't be too long. My goal is to build sustainable, long-lasting positive habits that help me in the long run.

Best of luck to everybody on their own reboot journey - there's always hope!

Sincerely,
p
 

phoenix

New Member
Thanks anubu and Smoken!

Reboot is going well so far. I've joined a local support group and now have many connections to reach out to if I'm struggling, as well as everybody on the RN! I'm not always so great at keeping up to date with these sort of things but I'm trying to build those tasks into habits!

My brain has given me some thoughts that want to bring me back to the well-worn path, but I've done well at avoiding triggers and, when I see them, removing myself from them (or them from me) ASAP. I remind myself of what I'm trying to be and that helps give me some strength to move on in the moment.

P
 

phoenix

New Member
Day 28 - Today marks 4 weeks since deciding not to follow this well-worn path anymore - I'm feeling good without it, I'm enjoying time with my wife much more, and our intimacy has increased (both in general and in the bedroom).

It's a long journey because my actions are still a lofty weight on our shoulders, but I'm grateful that she has been so gracious about the whole situation. I cannot say enough how even though I am making this change for myself, I am so grateful to have her support.

A few more days to the one-month mark, and that's just the start!
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Day 28 - Today marks 4 weeks since deciding not to follow this well-worn path anymore - I'm feeling good without it, I'm enjoying time with my wife much more, and our intimacy has increased (both in general and in the bedroom).

It's a long journey because my actions are still a lofty weight on our shoulders, but I'm grateful that she has been so gracious about the whole situation. I cannot say enough how even though I am making this change for myself, I am so grateful to have her support.

A few more days to the one-month mark, and that's just the start!
4 weeks! Fantastic!
 
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