My Journal from my dark side

[Huntilt87]

Hello everyone, I'm 34 almost 35 and single. I did some PMO free for 7 months about 2-3 years ago but now since COVID completely relapse on really really hardcore porn (can't even describe it but this is fucked up). So about me I have a good job, working from home so it's easy to give up watching porn . Most of my friends get married, have a nice GF or BF and I am the only one which is always "up" to go out, for a drink, to find a girl for hooking up blabla. I think i'm taking care of myself even if I'm not fit (easy to replace porn by sugar right..) but I can't keep a GF because I have PIED all the times even with viagra. I'm attracted to girl and don't think my sexual taste changed (I never watch gay/TS porn and i'm not attracted by that). But it seems that I look really needy with girls so lot of things to work aswell on the social side.

Yesterday I had PMO on a weird and discussing porn. I felt so ashamed and bad that I promise to myself (for the 50 times) that I would never watch this again. So now enough is enough I want to start an healthy life and at almost 35 to find a nice woman where I can built something. I tried Tinder and dating apps but don't have even 1 like so that's ruining aswell my confidence in myself.

Day 1 now with lot of hope and I'm targetting at least 2 weeks so until the 12th of July. I will try to put every day my evolution and how I feel. Hope to count on you guys , I figured out that fighting this alone is almost impossible.

Cheers!

Ps: I'm french so apologize if my english can have some mistakes.

 

[Simon2]

Welcome @Huntilt87.

I noticed so many changes when I did my first PMO stint. I hope it's illuminating for you too and I definitely think being part of this community, posting your updates, but also reading about others' experiences will give you a further perspective that may be very helpful.

 

[Huntilt87]

Thanks @SimonM . I read lot of journal here and from YBOP , it is indeed helpful and giving me some hope but still I have been so used to PMO for at least 3 time a week since 20 years that cutting this habits is hard.

Also I don't have some many friends I can count on. I'm seeing a therapist who see many rational stuff about my loneliness and impotence (issues with my parents, narcisism etc..) but when I mention the porn effect for him it's BS.

I have started a year a go to take improvisation class. It was amazing. I acted in front of 40 peoples, being more spontaneous, and funny. But still when I come home there is like this dark side who takes the control of my computer until I 'orgasm' at 2am of the morning . Then I woke up, feeling like shit . So I never want to feel this again but sometimes it's harder than me because I kind of feel lonely when I back to my bed. I stop dating apps because they do not work and when I met a girl IRL , she ghosted me after a date so a bit depressing isn't it!

I think I will also start an excel tracker that can be useful !

 

[Huntilt87]

I will try to get the habit of posting my progress even if i'm still on early stage.
Day 2 today without PMO but I have to admit last night I get some urges and checked escort website to fantaisie. I didn't MO but still could it be consider already as relapse?

 

[Huntilt87]

Day 3 today without PMO - still some urges but I hold it . What do you think of dating nice girl ? Even if it's only for a drink ? Should it be "prohibited" when on hardmode?

 

[Simon2]

Day 3 today without PMO - still some urges but I hold it . What do you think of dating nice girl ? Even if it's only for a drink ? Should it be "prohibited" when on hardmode?

I don't think so myself. I think it's important to work on REAL relationships and appreciate real women for who they are. I also think it will help us rewire our brains away from P, no? As long as the motivation isn't just to get laid... but to actually get to know someone. That dopamine rush of discovering the beauty of a real person (inner and outer) can replace the rush we've been seeking in P.

I find I have to remain very vigilant though in case I get triggered - feeling horny in other words - after meeting someone but not being at a stage in the relationship where there's an actual avenue for release there - then I may seek porn after the date... or M to memories of the girl I met... THAT is to be avoided I would say.

 

[Huntilt87]

I know this is wrong and I was perfectly conscious of it (or maybe not) but I relapse today after only ...5 days without PMO. I been fantaisies all day about dirty stuff and was hungover from last night party then slowly fall into a..... crappy porn. So now I feel like shit and seems that I will never be cure . 90 days steps seems unreachable if I can't even stay at least 1 week without thinking about it. Any words will help me feel better and fight again