I want to live.

tay97

Active Member
I (m,25) am starting a new journal after struggling with P. for months. There were days and weeks when I lived my life successfully, but in the end I always came back to the rot. I want that part of my brain to go away.

I am bi, and a big part of my sexual history and my P. story has to do with the denial of my sexuality. In recent years I have embraced it and had a few sexual encounters with male and female partners my age (ED problems with woman). Each time I felt empty inside and wished for something meaningful.

I use P-material to cover up the lack of a social life. I have 0 friends rn. People say I am pretty goodlooking with a great sense of humor and charming, and I am confidant to agree but I just always struggled to bond with people on a deeper level. Idk, if this is because of P or not. I also never had a serious relationship. I don't know what it feels like to be loved by someone else other than family.

I want companionship, friendship, and intimacy in my life. So, I got to work on this addiction. Day 0 of this new stage of my life.

I dedicate this to my little brother who is 4 years younger than me. When we were younger, I was proud to be something of a role model for him. He saw in me a strong, confidant man. Today I feel like an egoistic looser who masturbates to pixels and fake people to cover up his failings in life. I want to be the person he thought I was.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Hi Tay97, what you're doing is a beautiful thing. Choosing to quit this shit will be one of the greatest things you've ever decided to do in your life.

Better to quit this now than let go on indefinitely.

Best

Blondie
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Hei - you have a good reason! Wish you all the best with your journey!

Try to deal with your feelings - maybe start journaling and try out positive self talk in a written form.
Who do you want to be?
Why do you feel so empty?
What could give your life meaning?

In another journal from @SmokenMirrors he talked about manliness. I think a man needs a mission and a vision - and P* but also social media und YT do a good job in destroying mans ability to focus on a mission. So sit down, think, feel and try to find out a mission.

Yes - quitting P* seems like a big mission - but there you focus on getting away from something. In my opinion getting away from sth is much more easier if you have something you want to attain - then you are busy getting after this new life and in the meantime P* has no role for you.

Good luck!
 

tay97

Active Member
Hi Tay97, what you're doing is a beautiful thing. Choosing to quit this shit will be one of the greatest things you've ever decided to do in your life.

Better to quit this now than let go on indefinitely.

Best

Blondie
Thank you, Blondie. I know I can do this.
 

tay97

Active Member
Hei - you have a good reason! Wish you all the best with your journey!

Try to deal with your feelings - maybe start journaling and try out positive self talk in a written form.
Who do you want to be?
Why do you feel so empty?
What could give your life meaning?

In another journal from @SmokenMirrors he talked about manliness. I think a man needs a mission and a vision - and P* but also social media und YT do a good job in destroying mans ability to focus on a mission. So sit down, think, feel and try to find out a mission.

Yes - quitting P* seems like a big mission - but there you focus on getting away from something. In my opinion getting away from sth is much more easier if you have something you want to attain - then you are busy getting after this new life and in the meantime P* has no role for you.

Good luck!
I like the questions you asked. Thank you for this great comment!
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 1 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 1 ✅ No P
Day 1 ✅ No M
Day 1 ✅ No O


I wake up and surf the Internet on the laptop for several hours every day. This affects my everyday life in a bad way. Starting tomorrow, I plan to write my diary entry in the morning and surf the internet for half an hour at most. I think it's hard for me because as a long-time user of smartphones I switched to an old Nokia last week and my only contact with internet is with the laptop now. I gave away my smartphone because I didn't manage to use it as a tool but as a medium for pornography and sexual behavior. It's a big shift but it needs to be done now.

YouTube and Reddit are the internet addresses that captivate me the most. Both of them are impossible to finish watching or reading, but I still behave like it was. For YouTube I have installed the Chrome extension "Unhook". This makes sure that no more videos are suggested to me. A game changer. For Reddit I have not found a solution yet.

I want to answer the questions @ADFECTATIO threw in before.

Who do you want to be?
I want to be a strong, unflinching man that provides strength and care to others.

Why do you feel so empty?
Because I don't have any friends. In the past I have not been able to make deep bonds with people, and today it seems impossible to make friends. I am embarrassed to meet with potential partners or new people, because they would notice the lack of a social circle and judge me.
I don't now why it is so hard for me to bond with someone. I have no problems to get to know people on a surface level though.

Also, I am currently in my last semester for a degree in a field that I do not want to pursue. I live at home and the thought of moving out soon and pursuing a job that sucks my energy makes me a little bit depressed.

What could give your life meaning?
First, what gives my life meaning today:

- Physical exercise/health. I am going to the gym, doing heavy workouts and I am also doing OMAD (one meal a day) fasting for a month now.
- I like to play video games. They enrich my life in a weird way. I'm happiest when I'm playing a role-playing game for a few hours. It's just something that I love to do.

Now, what could give my life meaning:

- friends. I think one, or two true friends would solve all my problems. I wouldn't spend so much time alone. Not wasting time on Reddit, YouTube or with pornography. We could do all kinds of activities and meet new people. I would be proud to tell people about my friends. True friends would increase my mental strength and my life would feel better all around.
 
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ADFECTATIO

Member
So finding new friends is your first goal - great!

Maybe try out a sports team or a volunteer group at your university?
And, also a sweet litte game, smile a lot, say "hello" to strangers, talk to people you don't know, interact with the world around you :)

Another thought: What value do you bring as a friend? Why should other people like to befriend you?

You got this! I have to say, your journal title resonated with me. I find it wonderful, that you are doing this for you and your little brother! Also - my little brother is born in 97 as well - your name tay97 - so I think you are a 97 as well :D In short: I really want to see you succeed and lifing a life you absolutely love and if hard times come, you are a strong man and deal with them without a crutch ;)
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 2 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 2 ✅ No P
Day 2 ✅ No M
Day 2 ✅ No O


Thanks @ADFECTATIO , I appreciate your comment.

Good questions: Why should you be friends with me? What values do I bring as a friend?

I usually feel that old friends and acquaintances have felt comfortable in my presence. I'm always joking and see everything very loose you must know. But I am also someone who likes to discuss passionatly. This can be interpreted negatively.

I think the main reason why people want to be friends with me first is my looks. People try, quite unconsciously, to make friends with people who increase their own chance of finding a "better" partner. I don't want to sound arrogant at all, but from a biological point of view it makes sense. And it's also true for myself. But I am more looking for people who take care of themselves, I think.

I've always secretly had problems with old friends. I always wanted them to behave differently, to be different. For example, one friend was constantly talking about picking up girls in a disrespectful way or commenting on the looks and making sexual comments and I had the strong feeling that he was just hanging out with us (small group of friends) to meet girls.

Another example. I had another friend group until last year. We were together in Amsterdam. We hung out together regularly. But the whole group was 99% dependent on one of these friends. If he didn't feel like doing something, then nothing worked with the others. I found that very ridiculous and often upset me.

Over the years I had many friends the annoyed me. One friend who was your typical naysayer. One friend who never thought outside the box and always had the same interests and opinions. One friend that was simply rude to strangers. Such things annoy me and make me so critical of people, I just can't overlook those. I know there will never be a perfect friend and I, myself am not perfect.
My only motto should be: Be the friend that you want.

It's also often exhausting (these days) to get people to do activities. Let's say I want to chill at the lake with some friends. Very often I get asked 100 questions beforehand. What kind of people are there? How is the water? Lakes are too dirty. That's boring. How do we get there. I don't feel like going by train. Gee, let's just be spontaneous. It was all more spontaneous and easier when I was a kid. You want to go swimming? Great, just call or ring the doorbell and you are good to go.

I'm also someone who despises texting because people are way too petty and write way too much. All the magic gets lost imo, but that's another topic.

One thing I can offer is my attention. People are so focused on their phones these days that they can't even see and really get to know the other people around them.

I just read what I wrote and it comes across as very negative. Maybe that's my problem, but it's very hard for me to look past someone's "weaknesses".

I am eager to read what you guys think of this mess.
 
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tay97

Active Member
Day 3 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 3 ✅ No P
Day 3 ✅ No M
Day 3 ✅ No O


I've been going to the gym regularly this week and I have noticed the beauty of girls more. I keep turning my head for literally every girl there. Crazy thoughts. I have to remind myself that girls and looks won't satisfy me. I had a hot gf before and I broke up with her because I didn't feel a true connection. Was I stupid back then? No. I had my reasons. So I shouldn't judge those girls at the gym just because of their beauty. It doesn't help that they wear these colorful and thight yoga pants. I wished there was a dress code lol but I know it's my problem and they should wear whatever tf they want but I think the world would go crazy if men started wearing something like this in public. Whatever.

Other than that, I have no urges. While surfing reddit I came across some cosplays in a gaming sub and had no problem to skip them. No internet sites are safe. I have to be on my guard 24/7.
 
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tay97

Active Member
Day 4 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 4 ❌ P
(wrote the entry in the morning, relapsed later that day as you can see in my next entry)
Day 4 ✅ No M
Day 4 ✅ No O


I woke up very horny. This is the first time since I started having multiple sexual dreams. As far as I can remember, they were all with people of the same sex. That's very interesting. I also had a nightmare. But that could also be because I watched SAW yesterday lol.

These days I have a basic interest in almost any girl my age. With men, I have a certain type that I've fed porn over the years. So I wonder if my sexuality will "change" after 100 days of NoFap and NoPorn, or how I will act.

For people who don't know. Among bisexuals, there is something called the bi-cycle. This means that your attraction to one gender and your preferences can be, for example, "100%" heterosexual for 2 weeks, then more homosexual for 1 week or so, and then heterosexual again.
A never ending cycle of changing preferences. It's kind of a meme and joke, but it's real and I have it too. I'm also interested in seeing the effects of NoFap/NoPorn on my bi cycle.
 
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tay97

Active Member
Day 5 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 1 ✅ No P
Day 5 ✅ No M
Day 5 ✅ No O


It was a shitty day yesterday after I wrote my entry here about the sexual dreams I had. I played video games and drank a lot of coke and I was very horny. Then I searched for chats on reddit and found someone. We talked about video games as I intended to to and then we exchanged SFW pictures. He was very cute and I flirted over text and later he sent me NSFW pics. This felt like a test. I liked what I saw but resisted to fall for the trap. I knew pmo'ing over these wouldn't make me happy in the long run. I have done this 1000 times and felt terrible 1000 times. I eventually broke it off and told him to stop contacting me. I didn't masturbate, but I feel like I let my brain get stimulated by the chat, all the thoughts and the pics.

I think I use chats with random people and pornography to cover up my insecurities and weaknesses. It's easy to get in contact with people to sext. You don't have to care for them or put in the work for a relationship. It's true, but it's also true that it's not valuable. Nothing is real there.

I feel so lonely right now. Every time I'm on semen retention, after a few days I can feel my true essence. And it feels awful and depressing. I need to fix this. I will reset my days of P. It just doesn't feel right to continue as nothing happened.

How can I avoid this next time? Don't pretend to search in "safe" threads or chat with strangers who you know will send you NSFW pictures. It's your mind that's playing with you, and the rotten part that plays dead just to get up and feed again.
 
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tay97

Active Member
I feel very lonely at the moment. There is an emptiness in me that hurts immensely. That's exactly the feeling I would have filled with P in the past.

But that is not healthy.

I wouldn't be solving any problems, I would just be delaying them and pushing them deeper into my brain. I need to heal myself. No more bullshit.

Be social, exercise, eat well and rest.
 

tay97

Active Member
Fuck. I feel so anxious. Lot of worries about my future in regards to money. The deepest fears come out when I am holding back my male energy. It's tough.
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 6 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 0 ❌ P
Day 6 ✅ No M
Day 6 ✅ No O


I was surfing Reddit in the morning and clicked on threads and memes about bisexualiy. From there I clicked on many different user names because I knew that they would have pictures of themselves. Looked at SFW, then NSFW pics for a few minutes. No M but I feel like a looser. I deleted my reddit account. Now I am heading to the gym.
It's depressing to see how weak I am. Since I haven't had an orgasm I feel more and more depressed. I feel like crying.

Started to read the easy peasy method.
 
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SmokenMirrors

Active Member
Day 0 ❌ P
Day 6 ✅ No M
Day 6 ✅ No O


I was surfing Reddit in the morning and clicked on threads and memes about bisexualiy. From there I clicked on many different user names because I knew that they would have pictures of themselves. Looked at SFW, then NSFW pics for a few minutes. No M but I feel like a looser. I deleted my reddit account. Now I am heading to the gym.
It's depressing to see how weak I am. Since I haven't had an orgasm I feel more and more depressed. I feel like crying.

Started to read the easy peasy method.
You are not weak! You're simply dealing with an affliction! It takes strength to even attempt to reboot, let alone start again after a lapse! I'm on day 142 and I don't have the courage to go to the gym yet, you clearly have a strong character!
 

tay97

Active Member
You are not weak! You're simply dealing with an affliction! It takes strength to even attempt to reboot, let alone start again after a lapse! I'm on day 142 and I don't have the courage to go to the gym yet, you clearly have a strong character!
Thanks man. Appreciate your comment!
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 7 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 0 ✅ No P
Day 0 ❌ M
Day 0 ❌ O

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: RELAPSE STORY


I went to the gym and then relapsed in the shower at home. At the gym, there was a very cute guy who was clearly interested in me. And he was my type. But I didn't get the chance to talk to him. He often looked at me and every time he came close to me my heart was racing. I never had this before with a guy. There were also three girls that looked very attractive in their outfits. We often exchanged eye contact.
I felt so horny and at home I gave in. It was not managable anymore. I thought about how I would suffer for the rest of the day if I wouldn't MO.
So I did. I thought about the guy and it took me 3 minutes or so. I felt a little bit ashamed afterwards but very, very relieved and it felt so good. I don't regret it. Now I feel like I want to go out and socialize. My heart is full of love suddenly.
I have to stay on my guard though. Usually, I turn to P quickly after. Not this time. This experience was awesome and had NOTHING to do with P.

I want to get rid of P. MO once a week or so is good I think.
 
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