I want to live.

[tay97]

Day 20 No P
Day 06 No MO
(Day 34 since I started the fight and journal)

My body needs sex. I am constantly thinking about going to a nude lake or hooking up with someone from the internet.

I've hooked up with strangers before and although I've enjoyed the sex, in the long run I've felt more and more depressed and lonely because it's just sex, but I really want intimicy and love.

 

[tay97]

Looked up some actors and famous people and came across NSFW pics.

Man, I am really feeling the pull right now from the little monster in my head. I can imagine the pain you feel after 20 days of starvation. Sorry, but I won't feed you again.

 

[tay97]

Day 21 No P
Day 07 No MO
(Day 35 since I started the fight and journal)

Woke up very horny again. My body is craving some action and let's my brain make up crazy scenarios. Looked up some SFW pics and came across some NSFW pics. Felt a little bit aroused but I am starting to look through the facade. These poor people that try to get validation from the internet. Makes me sad. Everyone should try to get real intimicy. Something pixels can never do.

Going to the gym now.

 

[tay97]

Day 22 No P
Day 08 No MO
(Day 36 since I started the fight and journal)

Nothing to report.

 

[tay97]

The bi-cycle is doing its part and I am having major thoughts about guys again. I feel an urge to look at SFW and NSFW pictures of guys. Also, yesterday and today when I woke up I would have totally downloaded a dating app to hook up with a guy. Luckily, I don't have a smartphone so I couldn't. There were also some minor slips here and there with twitter and reddit, so I blocked those for good this time. There is a specific type of guys that I am into and everytime I come across one of them on the internet my brain activates my animal instincts. It also happens in real life sometimes but not so often because well in real life I can't see 1000 of them in 5 mins.

I really need this reboot. I am not afraid to embrace my gay site even though I would rather be with a girl but these compulsive sexual behaviours are really bad for my mental health.

I need some sunshine now.

Also, I wonder if there are other bisexual guys here. Would love to read how you are holding up.

 

[tay97]

Day 23 No P
Day 09 No MO
(Day 37 since I started the fight and journal)

Working out feels great. I feel strong.There was a girl that smiled at me today at the gym and I smiled back. Missed the oportunity to say hi though. Next time. Today in the morning, I didn't spend too much time in bed before heading to the gym, so fantasies and negative thoughts didn't come up that much, which is good.

 

[sho0fl]

Hey Tay,

Like some quotes here, let me add some:

You do not see the world as it is, you see it as you are.

It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters

You are not worried by the problems you're dealing with, you're worried by your perception of those problems.

---

I'm on Day 5, if we're counting. On yours I would say that this is not Day N since you started this fight, but it is day X since you're here, on this planet.

What will happen after X days is not dependent on you. What you perceive will happen to you after X days is in your control, and no other entity. I would recommend trying to look at it that way. Whether on Day 1, Day 2 or Day 500 it matters what your attitude towards this goal is, as is with any other.

I can relate to your initial posts, I'm not bi myself, but that doesn't matter. I also would like to find people to relate to and have intimacy, and intimacy is not just sex. It's not just you.

I'm also frequent at the gym, it helps relieve stress. I'd recommend that you invest yourself in other things in the meantime. People that might like you for your outside looks definitely do not know what war you're waging inside. Some girls at the gym also nod at me too, and I wonder what will they think if they knew what I'm fighting inside.

Regardless, it's what I think about the circumstance that I'm in that matters, not what actually happens. I try to think positively about it. See if there are quotes or thoughts that motivate you to change yourself and make a habit of saying them to yourself every morning.

Finally, since the troubles are with social media - eliminate that from your life, do you need it? Take a break from it.

Stay strong, put your mind to it, you already realize what you're up against and win this.

 

[tay97]

Hey Tay,

Like some quotes here, let me add some:

---

I'm on Day 5, if we're counting. On yours I would say that this is not Day N since you started this fight, but it is day X since you're here, on this planet.

What will happen after X days is not dependent on you. What you perceive will happen to you after X days is in your control, and no other entity. I would recommend trying to look at it that way. Whether on Day 1, Day 2 or Day 500 it matters what your attitude towards this goal is, as is with any other.

I can relate to your initial posts, I'm not bi myself, but that doesn't matter. I also would like to find people to relate to and have intimacy, and intimacy is not just sex. It's not just you.

I'm also frequent at the gym, it helps relieve stress. I'd recommend that you invest yourself in other things in the meantime. People that might like you for your outside looks definitely do not know what war you're waging inside. Some girls at the gym also nod at me too, and I wonder what will they think if they knew what I'm fighting inside.

Regardless, it's what I think about the circumstance that I'm in that matters, not what actually happens. I try to think positively about it. See if there are quotes or thoughts that motivate you to change yourself and make a habit of saying them to yourself every morning.

Finally, since the troubles are with social media - eliminate that from your life, do you need it? Take a break from it.

Stay strong, put your mind to it, you already realize what you're up against and win this.

Thanks for this great comment, dude! And I love the quotes!

 

[tay97]

Day 24 No P
Day 0 No MO
(Day 38 since I started the fight and journal)

Had many gay thoughts after waking up. Went to a nearby lake this morning. There were many older women. My interest in them increased rapidely. I kept thinking about their bodies and sex. Said hi to one of them and she smiled back. But nothing happened.

At home I MO'ed (to something different). I feel a little bit ashamed that I objectified those older women. But at that moment I kept thinking to myself that this is what life is about, to connect with people and do what you really want. And at that moment I wanted to be close to an older woman there. I remembered a video in which an old man talked about his regrets and that he wished that he had taken more chances to have sex with people.

I feel very confused. P has not crossed my mind at all in all of this, which is very good.

 

[tay97]

This is the little monster in my head rn after 24 days of no P haha.

 

[tay97]

I feel sad and embarrassed about the way I think about women.

 

[sho0fl]

I feel sad and embarrassed about the way I think about women.

Nice going ruling out P, keep that up!

To add something, if you're into psychology there are some theories about the subconscious and unconscious (Freudian mostly), the ones that make sense to me are the ones by C. G. Jung. Think it this way:

Conscious - something you can recall right away - what's your name, where do you live.
Subconscious - what did you eat 3 days ago
Unconscious - something that you cannot recall but might manifest at different times, for example, talking with a friend - they say something and you immediately respond in a way that you did not expect yourself to.

Shame is a soul eating emotion
C. G. Jung

Your thoughts are part of your consciousness and partially subconsciousness. Shame on the other side is an emotion - it is your own consciousness trying to act according its own moral and against its subconsciousness/unconsciousness. Your own moral is what your thoughts perceive as normal and accepted in a given situation. You might act differently when in the classroom and when in private with a loved one, you have different understandings of what's accepted - moral.

Your subconsciousness/unconsciousness represents yourself, you might not realize it but it's the purest essence of YOU that you have in yourself. It's not your thoughts or actions dictated by your morale.

To feel ashamed for something would indicate that there is a clash between yourself and what you see acceptable in a given situation.

You should think about how you perceive this 'accepted' action and why your own self is wishing to act differently. Whatever you do then, make it so that you're in balance with yourself.

There's also a nice duology between shame and envy. Envy is one of the strongest emotions that can motivate you to do something. Shame on the other side is one of the strongest emotions that can destroy yourself. If I'd have to choose between the two I'd choose one of the deadliest sins.

 

[Anotheronehere]

I feel very confused. P has not crossed my mind at all in all of this, which is very good.

Proud of you!

 

[Anotheronehere]

It has also happened to me with my doubts about sexuality, going down the street and sexualizing a girl that I see differently, to know if the probability would exist. I guess it's never wrong to the point where that person finds out, you don't hurt her, but on the contrary, some feeling moves you, be it erotic or something interesting

 

[tay97]

Day 27 No P
(Day 41 since I started the fight and journal)

MO'ed a few times and I feel good. No interest for P.

 

[tay97]

Day 29 No P
(Day 43 since I started the fight and journal)

Everytime I see a woman somewhere I fantasize about her. Not in a disrespectful way, just that I want to get to know this person and also have sex.

Some minor thoughts about P. But I have to remember that P has ZERO BENEFITS.

 

[sho0fl]

Everytime I see a woman somewhere I fantasize about her. Not in a disrespectful way, just that I want to get to know this person and also have sex.

You're not alone in this, I get the same stuff going. But I'm saying to myself that once I am finished with this I'll get more into dating. Before that happens though, focus on the task at hand.

 

[tay97]

You're not alone in this, I get the same stuff going. But I'm saying to myself that once I am finished with this I'll get more into dating. Before that happens though, focus on the task at hand.

I just thought that I might think/feel different about woman after 30 days. On NoFap after 30 days, I would have definitely felt different but with almost daily masturbation nowadays I still feel huge attraction. I don't think it's bad. Idk.

 

[tay97]

Day 30 No P
(Day 44 since I started the fight and journal)

I was looking for pornographic pictures (samesex) and had a quick look at them. I still wouldn't call this a relapse because I had no interest in masturbating and orgasm. I was thinking, these are interesting pictures, but I will never meet these people in real life and so what I am doing here makes no sense. Porn has no value. I internalize it more and more. Now I just have to keep at it and refrain from peaking as well.

 

[sho0fl]

You can read (or re-read) the part of EasyPeasyMethod on the "Just One Peek", it can be found here.

I think that you're doing great though, reading your journal again certainly gives some inspiration. Thanks for sharing and keep at it, if possible