I want to live.

tay97

Active Member
Day 0 ❌ No P
(Day 47 since I started the fight and journal)

PMO Relapse on day 34. I don't feel anything.
 
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SimonM

Active Member
What happened? No need to post it here of course, but for me the question is, why did it happen, and what can I do differently to prevent this from happening again.

Staying honest is key, so good on you, and much strength on your new streak!
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Doing great Tay, don't be too harsh on yourself. It's been 47 days since you started this fight and I think that you're doing great.

I've started this almost around 45 days and I've also relapsed on the 30th day. When I did it I just came back stronger, had a better vision of what's going on and a better overview of myself.

I'm sure that you can do it, and that you will do it!

What might help now is re-reading your journal so far.
 

tay97

Active Member
What happened? No need to post it here of course, but for me the question is, why did it happen, and what can I do differently to prevent this from happening again.

Staying honest is key, so good on you, and much strength on your new streak!
I am stressed because of my thesis and just gave in. Just surfed the web mindlessly and it just happened. Now, everything that I see on the internet triggers me. Feels like I am heading back to the dark days. I just relapsed for the second time a couple of minutes ago. And the sad part is, that I don't feel sad or ashamed. Just nothing. Earlier today, after I PMO'ed for the first time after 33 days, I met a friend outside and was barely able to hold the conversation. It felt so awkward. Shit..
 

tay97

Active Member
Doing great Tay, don't be too harsh on yourself. It's been 47 days since you started this fight and I think that you're doing great.

I've started this almost around 45 days and I've also relapsed on the 30th day. When I did it I just came back stronger, had a better vision of what's going on and a better overview of myself.

I'm sure that you can do it, and that you will do it!

What might help now is re-reading your journal so far.
Man .. second relapse .. I act like a different person. It's surreal. Feels like I am losing control.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Reread your first post. Maybe you can find inspiration there? Sometimes it's hard to remember after awhile why we wanted to quit so badly.

I think you are lucky you're aware of this problem at 25 and trying to fix it now. I was too but I kept struggling for another 20 (!) years trying to quit. Don't follow my path!
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 0 ❌ No P
(Day 48 since I started the fight and journal)

Just read my first entries in this journal and it grounded me. But unfortunately the pull is extremly strong. I feel so confused. I am losing it. I need to man up. Time for a hard reboot.
 
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sho0fl

Active Member
If anything, can I ask you to think about all the positive things about yourself? Where you are now, what things you're satisfied with that you have done, your achievements.

Do not focus on the negativity that you might have in your mind. Focus on the positives.

You got this Tay.
 

tay97

Active Member
I feel drained. My eyes are heavy. Not even motivated to walk the dog. I have failed and I hate myself for it. I knew how bad porn is and now I was confirmed again. I don't need this shit. Let's go again!
 

tay97

Active Member
If anything, can I ask you to think about all the positive things about yourself? Where you are now, what things you're satisfied with that you have done, your achievements.

Do not focus on the negativity that you might have in your mind. Focus on the positives.

You got this Tay.
The only positive thing about this fiasco is that I was rightfully punished for consuming porn again. I was stupid. Great questions though. I haven't archieved anything since I started. Spend most of my time with video games. Hiding from the real world. Now that I am starting again I have to be active, dammit. Man up. Talk to people. Be kind and interested in the world apart from games which are great, no question, but in moderation and in a balanced life.
Thanks @sho0fl .
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Spend most of my time with video games. Hiding from the real world.
Been the same for me man. But I'm ready to go out there now.

As I'm writing this I also got a relapse yesterday, you can read my thoughts about myself here.
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 3 ✅ No P
(Day 51 since I started the fight and journal)

I feel better. Can't get away from daily masturbation as I get anxious and nervous without.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
There might be a reason for this, one causing you to want more and going to the next M.

If there's a day where you won't have urges (say you go out all day or similar), try limiting it afterward as well. It might help.

Also, it might also help to switch things a bit and remove any of the 'death grip' situations.

All the best, man!
 

tay97

Active Member
Yeah, I want to abstain from masturbation. On nofap, I am much more calm in the long run but when I MO it relaxes me a lot for the day.
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 4 ✅ No P
Day 1 ✅ No MO

(Day 52 since I started the fight and journal)

I am procrastinating on my stuff for uni. It stresses me out so much.

Once again I will try to abstain from MO in order to improve my mental health as I feel much more calm after a minimum of +7 days or so.
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 5 ✅ No P
Day 0 ❌ No MO

(Day 53 since I started the fight and journal)

After 5 days the pull for consuming porn was extremly strong today and I was close to say fuck it. But right before, I close the laptop and MO'ed without. I used a toy and my thoughts only and I feel a bit dissapointed in myself but I think it's definitely better than relapsing to porn.

I should be able to start a No MO-streak from tomorrow on as I will hit the gym regurlarely again.
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 0 ❌ No P
Day 0 ❌ No MO

(Day 55 since I started the fight and journal)

(Trigger warning: Relapse story) Surfed the web and came across woman sport events. Googled some athletes and I was horny and bored. I thought to myself that I will be working from home for the next 30 days without any contact to other people (which stresses me out). So that I would not even have the chance to use my energy for real people. And that it would be ok to start in a month with a new streak. So I relapsed. I PMO'ed to trans porn. I feel like I can easily avoid pornografic thoughts and fantasies about woman and men. But with trans woman it's different.

I don't know what to say. I think this is just not the right time ..
 

tay97

Active Member
I don't feel better. I am even more stressed out. PMO has not helped. My mind and my body feel weak.
 
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