I want to live.

sho0fl

Active Member
Hey Tay, I think you're doing great, I'm not just saying this to make you feel better.

You're in this fight and fighting, you'll eventually win.

What might help is to identify what caused you to relapse again. If it's some sporty events that are otherwise pretty much like soft P, you can remove that easily.

As for your preferences, mine aren't vanilla as well.

I've watched some pretty heavy stuff related to BDSM/KINK. I've watched hentai, I've watched trans hentai, I've watched bestiality (not hentai).

Don't think bad about yourself or your preferences. Feel good that you're making progress.

Think again why you're doing it. Re-read your journal to see your strongest days, do more of that. See what caused you to relapse, not just now but previously. See what you have done to help. See what you have done that didn't help.

Stay strong man, you will get the P monster sooner or later. Why not sooner?
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 0 ✅ No PMO

I am starting again. Over the last couple of months I have falling back into all the nasty stuff. I gave in completely. Has it changed anything in my life to the better? No. Did it make me happy? No. I feel weak and numb. My life is complete shit and the only thing that has worked in the past is NO PMO. I will do it again, but this time I will not fail, baby.
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Day 0 ✅ No PMO

I am starting again. Over the last couple of months I have falling back into all the nasty stuff. I gave in completely. Has it changed anything in my life to the better? No. Did it make me happy? No. I feel weak and numb. My life is complete shit and the only thing that has worked in the past is NO PMO. I will do it again, but this time I will not fail, baby.
Keep up the graft bro! You got this!
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 1 ✅ No PMO

Spend quite some time in bed thinking about a future gf and I imagined how lovely it would be. Other than that this is my 5th day beeing sugarfree (no candies, no sugary drinks) which is pretty cool. Tomorrow I also plan on going to the gym again after quite some time.

My mother told me that a friend of the family will come visit us tomorrow and this makes me anxious. I wished I had a longer streak going, so that I could be more relaxed and confidant.
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Day 1 ✅ No PMO

Spend quite some time in bed thinking about a future gf and I imagined how lovely it would be. Other than that this is my 5th day beeing sugarfree (no candies, no sugary drinks) which is pretty cool. Tomorrow I also plan on going to the gym again after quite some time.

My mother told me that a friend of the family will come visit us tomorrow and this makes me anxious. I wished I had a longer streak going, so that I could be more relaxed and confidant.
100% go to the gym, it really helps expend a lot of sexual energy!
 
I (m,25) am starting a new journal after struggling with P. for months. There were days and weeks when I lived my life successfully, but in the end I always came back to the rot. I want that part of my brain to go away.

I am bi, and a big part of my sexual history and my P. story has to do with the denial of my sexuality. In recent years I have embraced it and had a few sexual encounters with male and female partners my age (ED problems with woman). Each time I felt empty inside and wished for something meaningful.

I use P-material to cover up the lack of a social life. I have 0 friends rn. People say I am pretty goodlooking with a great sense of humor and charming, and I am confidant to agree but I just always struggled to bond with people on a deeper level. Idk, if this is because of P or not. I also never had a serious relationship. I don't know what it feels like to be loved by someone else other than family.

I want companionship, friendship, and intimacy in my life. So, I got to work on this addiction. Day 0 of this new stage of my life.

I dedicate this to my little brother who is 4 years younger than me. When we were younger, I was proud to be something of a role model for him. He saw in me a strong, confidant man. Today I feel like an egoistic looser who masturbates to pixels and fake people to cover up his failings in life. I want to be the person he thought I was.
I’m right here with you. Started turning this franchise around 2 days ago. I believe you, and you have a strong reason to push ahead! I can understand not feeling loved, but know that even though we will probably never meet, I’m rooting for you and love you brother. We are taking our damn lives back.
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 4 ✅ No PMO

Conversations, playing with my dog and even watching movies feel so much better I cannot even describe it. There are so many things I feel the need to do: working out, healthy eating, yoga, going to a theme park, the list goes on ... Life's good when you try ... this is the way.
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 0 ❌ No PMO

Not a good day. Woke up horny and spend many hours on dating apps for men looking for hook ups. Didn't find someone and now I feel unattractive. I want to look different. I need to go to the gym and put in the work. I didn't MO, but technically I was looking at porn through nude pictures that people sent me. Also, the dopamine was rushing while browsing through the pics and profiles. So I will reset my counter. The mornings are dangerous. Life is more than bodies. I want intimicy.
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Day 0 ❌ No PMO

Not a good day. Woke up horny and spend many hours on dating apps for men looking for hook ups. Didn't find someone and now I feel unattractive. I want to look different. I need to go to the gym and put in the work. I didn't MO, but technically I was looking at porn through nude pictures that people sent me. Also, the dopamine was rushing while browsing through the pics and profiles. So I will reset my counter. The mornings are dangerous. Life is more than bodies. I want intimicy.
Merely a setback, learn from it for next time!
 
Day 7 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 0 ✅ No P
Day 0 ❌ M
Day 0 ❌ O

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: RELAPSE STORY


I went to the gym and then relapsed in the shower at home. At the gym, there was a very cute guy who was clearly interested in me. And he was my type. But I didn't get the chance to talk to him. He often looked at me and every time he came close to me my heart was racing. I never had this before with a guy. There were also three girls that looked very attractive in their outfits. We often exchanged eye contact.
I felt so horny and at home I gave in. It was not managable anymore. I thought about how I would suffer for the rest of the day if I wouldn't MO.
So I did. I thought about the guy and it took me 3 minutes or so. I felt a little bit ashamed afterwards but very, very relieved and it felt so good. I don't regret it. Now I feel like I want to go out and socialize. My heart is full of love suddenly.
I have to stay on my guard though. Usually, I turn to P quickly after. Not this time. This experience was awesome and had NOTHING to do with P.

I want to get rid of P. MO once a week or so is good I think.
I agree with your last statement.
Go tay97!
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 1 ✅ No PMO

Yesterday I really felt the need for a connection. So I downloaded the app again, spend hours texting with people, looking for a date. It didn't happen and I said fuck it and relapsed. Immediately I felt hollow and numb. Day 0, again.

I realized it's always the same cycle: A few days on No PMO ▶️Feeling lonely and in need for physical contact to another person ▶️Download of dating app and exchange of nudes ▶️No Dates but to horny to let it be ▶️relapse to various porn

Feeling lonely is normal and a sign that something's not right in your life. I need to tackle this. I need to find friends and form deep relationships.
 

SimonM

Active Member
One problem is that when P becomes our comping mechanism for loneliness it actually makes it HARDER to meet real people. Not only does it affect many of us to make us more socially anxious etc, but it also takes away the time and energy we'd need to reacou out to real people... We waste our time on some app chatting up fantasy people instead of figuring out how to connect in the real world...

If you can shift that - and use your feelings of loneliness next time as a motivation to reach out in the real world then you can win! :) Reach out to an old friend, join a group/club, even looking for a date on a NON-PORN dating site. Good luck! I know there are real people out there for you - for all of us! :)
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Day 1 ✅ No PMO

Yesterday I really felt the need for a connection. So I downloaded the app again, spend hours texting with people, looking for a date. It didn't happen and I said fuck it and relapsed. Immediately I felt hollow and numb. Day 0, again.

I realized it's always the same cycle: A few days on No PMO ▶️Feeling lonely and in need for physical contact to another person ▶️Download of dating app and exchange of nudes ▶️No Dates but to horny to let it be ▶️relapse to various porn

Feeling lonely is normal and a sign that something's not right in your life. I need to tackle this. I need to find friends and form deep relationships.
I've struggled with loneliness for pretty much my entire life. I learned to embrace it and use it to make myself stronger. Unfortunately loneliness is a BIG part of being a man, but it can be a tool used for self improvement!
 
1st Orient yourself properly: Abstinence is not the goal. Recovery is.
2nd Embrace loneliness: When you feel lonely, give yourself a shoulder-massage, a hug, a caress. Love yourself and others will follow.
3rd Everything will pass: Remember. You're OK. I'm OK.
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Day 0 ❌ No PMO

Different day, same shit. It feels impossible to break the cycle. Deep inside I feel so sad. I am 25 years old now and I am afraid of not using my youth to find someone for life.

@amtunja5j @SmokenMirrors @SimonM Amazing comments. Bring me to tears. Thank you, guys.
All part of the journey, king. Start with saying to yourself 'I don't watch porn' instead of 'I'm trying to quit porn'. Doing this aligns your porn abstinence with your identity and ego and makes it easier to quit. When you feel like quitting and giving in, think deeply about how much time you've lost to porn and how much time you'll continue to lose if you give in now. This helped me massively and I'm gonna be a year free in a few months!
 

tay97

Active Member
All part of the journey, king. Start with saying to yourself 'I don't watch porn' instead of 'I'm trying to quit porn'. Doing this aligns your porn abstinence with your identity and ego and makes it easier to quit. When you feel like quitting and giving in, think deeply about how much time you've lost to porn and how much time you'll continue to lose if you give in now. This helped me massively and I'm gonna be a year free in a few months!
Wow, fantastic! Porn has no benefits. I don't watch it. I am a better human without. Thanks!
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 2 ✅ No PMO

I am dreaming of my future girlfriend. How I argue with her. How I go on field trips with her. This can be my reality if I choose to live free. Free of disgusting porn. I don't need it. I'm better without it. Breath in, ... breath out. Life is good.
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 0 ❌ No PMO

Used a toy for MO, than swapped to PMO without thinking. Before that, I was looking for a hook up.

Threw the toy in the garbage after PMO. I can't break the cycle. I want to cry, but I am too tired.

A human beeing needs real connections. Hookups? It's just physical. I will feel alone and lonely after that. Real intimate sex with someone that you care about ... this is magical.

I feel miserable, numb and tired. I just want to sleep.
 
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