jacobbrown
New Member
i was exposed to porn ever since i was a kid, my dad used to watch it whenever it was just me and him in the house while my mother was at work or school. i have memories from when i was 3 i would walk into the house from playing outside with my friend and he would be watching it on the computer and wouldnt even turn it off when he saw i was there. i began to tell my friend what i would walk in on my dad doing and he showed me what it was that my dad was watching. he gave me the website and the first thing i ever searched up on my own was xxx. it brought something new to my young mind and i did not know that this would be the root of a lot of my problems today. i was probably around 4 or 5 when i began watching porn on my own but i didnt start masturbating until i was 7. i began doing it everyday sometimes with porn sometimes without it but i did it practically everyday. eventually i moved to texas and i still continued to feed my brain with porn and masturbation. i was doing all of this while also playing football and i am a genuinely good football player. one day during the middle of the pandemic it was late at night i probably had already masturbated once before this time but i happened to come across a same sex porn video. i will not go into detail but after i finished i felt disgusting and as though i had ruined my life. after i was done i began to question why did you do it? i realized that it was all a blur. i had looked up one of my favorite types of porn at the time and in between all of the straight porn images happened to be a gay one. the shock that i got was more than i had felt over 8 years i had been masturbating. the next couple of days did not feel real i had no motivation to do anything i felt embarrassed and uncomfortable around people. about a month passes and i find out about nofap/semen retention and i learned about the importance in retaining your semen and how watching porn can destroy your mind and i saw myself with some of the symptoms that were being shown to me. well that was in 2020 summer and i still have not mastered no fap/semen retention. and i am still addicted to porn and at this point i am 17, a well rounded athlete with a few college offers and i seem to just not be able to break this addiction. the types of porn i watch has escalated even more to transgender and even sometimes gay. and after every time i watch it i feel disgusted with myself and like a disappointment. i constantly tell myself that i will break this addiction by the time i am 18. i even had a case of pied when i was 15 having sex with a girl i had initially had sex with before. the second time though i had told her to come over and right as i put it in my erection went away. there are times that if i masturbate before a football game i do not perform to the best of my abilities. i know that i am a straight man but porn has shifted my brain so much into this false sense of reality. everytime i masturbate i notice a different side of myself i dont feel like myself i feel like i am out of my body. and everytime i finish i come back down to reality and i have to deal with the realities of wtf i just watched. i have noticed that whenever i smoke weed is some of the only times i have watched the most extremes of porn. so today june 29,2022 starts the true shift of my mind back into a normal person. i hate that i became this way and it is something i never wouldve thought could happen to me. i am going to put all my energy towards my football craft and working out everyday. i am also trying to stop smoking in the morning because whenever i do i lose my motivation to do anything for the day. the longest streak i have had on no fap since when i found out about it is 12 days and i can truly say i felt my best in those 12 days. recently i lasted 5 days without it and everything i did i simply just felt good. my workouts were better, i was able to have genuine conversations with people, i felt like there was value in life and i wss only 5 days in so i couldnt imagine 30 days. i have heard of flatlines and for me specifically i have not experienced them and i think that is due to none of my streaks even prolonging past 14 days. i am ready to take my life back and i am ready to fight.