My Old Life and My New Life


New Member
Hello everyone.

I am 29 years old and I've been into PMO for about 15 years (more than half my life!). I was pretty much a daily porn user and masturbator - usually right before bed.

I started with softcore Cinemax porn which then turned to relatively vanilla hardcore internet porn and eventually led into more fetish types of porn, specifically mom/stepmom porn (definitely not proud of this, and I've always felt ashamed since I started getting into it, but just couldn't stop).

I first realized that I had a potential problem when I was around 19/20. I developed some really bad anxiety out of nowhere one day - I woke up and felt like everything was different. I hadn't really experienced this type of thing before so I was incredibly confused. Although, most likely an anxiety disorder or a major depressive episode, I ended up finding out about porn addiction and chalked it up to that. I went about half a year with no PMO, which was great, but I never ended up receiving help for my anxiety or depression at that time which I think would have benefitted me even more.

Eventually, I got out of the slump and decided I could probably PMO again as long as it was tame. We all know how this goes - you start with some vanilla stuff and very quickly I went right back into my fetish stuff.

I kept that going until basically a year ago. I finally found a girlfriend when I was 28, and I will discuss this a little more here in a bit, but she is a big reason for me really focusing on quitting.

Anyway, I spent my entire 20's barely dating. I had a few flings, but nothing too serious - not PIV sex but I had oral and handjobs. A lot of years being single and not pursuing a relationship. Because of this, I used porn as my sexual outlet. In my very early 20's, I hadn't yet experienced much ED. My first fling, I remember getting erections pretty frequently with (wish I still had that capability). Then in my early-mid 20's, I had another fling. That's when I first noticed I had ED. This girl was incredibly pretty, but I just couldn't seem to ever keep it up. I'd always make excuses like "Oh, we were drinking earlier and that's why" etc. etc. but deep down I think I knew what the problem was. When that ended, I was single for a long time and stuck to PMO.

Any flings after that were miniscule. I had a few chances to sleep with people, didn't always take the opportunity, but if I tried, ED.

Around 2018 - 2019 I started realizing that I had death grip. Also, I started realizing that I would get horny, but not erect much. I'd have to basically make myself get an erection and if I stopped stimulating myself, it would go back down pretty quickly, even with porn. Around this time erections were hurting. Like, I don't really know how to describe it, but I felt as if the erection was constantly being pulled back, or like the painful feeling you get when you're wearing tight pants or underwear and you have an erections and it's pushing up against the tightness - that feeling but even if I was just fully naked. I remember masturbating sometimes really aggressively and afterwards having this feeling like I had to nonstop pee, or that I was going to ejaculate more or something, even if I squeezed my prostate to stop it. Definitely something I should have seen a doctor about but never did.

Then in 2020 I went through another major depressive episode. Really bad - couldn't eat, couldn't sleep much, a lot of dysphoria. Stopped watching porn for awhile because I had no interest in anything. I got a therapist and psychiatrist and got put on an anti-depressant. After a few months I started to feel better, so naturally I went back to PMO, but because I was on the anti-depressant it felt like things were numb and I'd have to spend so much more time just trying to ejaculate. I eventually got off the anti-depressant in November of 2021.

Back to my current girlfriend - I met her online in early 2021. I was planning on moving to the city she lived in, so I was on an online dating app looking for people in that area. I met her and we talked for a couple months before I saw her. She ended up coming out to the city I was living in for a week to hang out with me, and the whole time I didn't try and have sex with her. She definitely thought this was weird but didn't bring it up to me until months later, but she ended up flying back and I was still in the city I was in for a few months before moving. We were still dating, and I was still watching porn behind her back while being many miles away.

Finally, I moved mid-late 2021. It was great between us at first, but after some weeks of no sex, she finally brought it up to me what the big deal was? Why was I never horny, and why did I seem so rigid during intimate sessions?

I broke down, and told her my issues with porn. Told her everything I pretty much wrote here. She was very understanding, but at the same time, didn't really understand porn addiction. I promised I'd get off porn and hopefully soon be able to gain sexual functioning.

Ever since, we've had a lot of ups and downs. I have had PIV sex with her a few times, but thats it, and we've been dating for about a year now. I try and do oral when I can so that she at least is getting some satisfaction, but I constantly feel like a failure, and I know she feels like she's unattractive when the ED occurs. I have had my slip ups with porn too, and it's always frustrating because when I do it's like my ED comes back pretty heavily.

The reason I'm here today is because two nights ago I caved and watched porn. Last night I went to her place, we started to get intimate, and I lost my erection in the middle of it and it would not come back. She got pretty upset (this isn't the first time) and I finally hit my breaking point - no more slip ups. I really love this girl, and I want to love myself, but the shame and guilt I have with porn is holding me back. I need to hold myself accountable, and I think this is how I'm finally going to be able to do it.

To end this - even with the slip ups I watch porn significantly less than I used to. I'm also significantly easier on my penis - I don't have death grip anymore. However, I sometimes worry that years of abuse has rendered me permanently scarred. Either way, in the past year of me trying to quit, I think 3 weeks is my longest period of abstinence from porn - I usually would slip up once a week - but even 3 weeks isn't enough time to see true results. So now I'm trying really hard to be done for good. I want to be better for her, but I really want to be better for my own physical, mental and spiritual health.

I'm hoping to use this journal anytime I'm feeling a slip up coming along. I also welcome any comments or recommendations to help me.

Apologies this was so long, thank you if you read through it.


New Member
It's been over a week now since my last time watching porn. I'm not necessarily counting days, but usually around this time is when I struggle. Thankfully, in some ways, my libido has been pretty nonexistent. Great for not caring to watch porn, not so great for my girlfriend.

I can definitely feel it starting to come back a little, especially in the mornings. Although, when quitting PMO for a bit, libido always comes and goes in waves for awhile. With it starting to come back a little, and being about a week from my last O, I'm going to be mindful about it as much as I can. No keeping my laptop in my room with me when I'm sleeping alone. That's when I tend to slip up the most in a delirious sleepy state.


New Member
Well, girlfriend broke up with me.

It hurts a lot. We had a good day yesterday which makes this even harder. We got drinks in the evening, watched a movie, then at night I initiated some sexy times and she wanted to take charge. Got on me and I couldn't perform. She got upset, I could see this look in her face of having given up and we didn't say much. Fell asleep from being tipsy and sad. Woke up this morning and she wasn't in my bed. Came downstairs to her on the couch. It was quiet for awhile, then she came out and said she thinks we need to end things. She is struggling to keep the relationship alive without resentment.

It honestly wasn't a bad breakup in that we didn't yell or fight. We don't hate each other, in fact I think we both still deeply care about one another, but we're just incompatible sexually I suppose.

I'm sure there is a little bit of just general sexual incompatibility, but I know my porn habits never helped. This is so damn hard. I already really miss her so much. Everything about the relationship was great minus our intimacy. I don't think I'll find another like her, but I know time heals all wounds.

Now is when I'd usually go back to porn pretty heavily. I'm not going to do that this time. Since I'm officially single, I'm going to try really hard to kick this habit and focus on bettering myself. It's not easy but it needs to be done.

I'm just pretty dysphoric, lonely and sad today. Just gotta get through it, and stay off the porn