The clean journey

[Percival]

Copied from a thread I started in the addiction forum, but I'm using it more as a journal:

I'm 43, and I've been looking at girls online since my late teens. A couple of years ago I joined the Reddit NoPorn group, and got up to a year and half without porn, but have been slowly sliding back since then. So it's time to re-introduce some accountability, which was a tremendous help in the past.

I won't dwell on the negatives; I already know them, and I think everyone reading this does too. The positives: despite the slide, I'm even yet not as deep into the really bad kinds of porn as I used to be. And I haven't been going on long binges as, again, I used to do. I've broken free before, for a long time, and I was surprised that it wasn't as hard as I expected: years of porn-use doesn't require an equal number of years of recovery (but staying recovered is the hard part). If I did it once, I can do it again, and posting to an accountability forum was a key part before. So here I am.

It's been a little more than a week. The compulsion to look has mostly disappeared: I can even pick up my phone and not think "I could look at girls" (I didn't always or even most times but the thought was there). My focus is now more on not peeking: intentionally looking at pictures/gifs/etc of women to admire them, even if they're fully clothed. It seems innocent---who doesn't enjoy looking at a pretty girl?---but for me it will eventually lead back to porn, even if the journey back takes days or even weeks.

Yesterday went well. I do have to confess that I came across a computer game---not playing, just reading about---that has a nude mod and I looked it up. Which I shouldn't have done. On the other hand, my reaction was mostly, "Huh, that's kinda weird." and closed the tab.

 

[Percival]

I checked my browser history for last Friday and found no sexy searches, so hurrah! And I don't remember looking at anything over the weekend. Now, if previous experience holds true (and it will), the temptation will be low for a while until I sort of absently think it might be nice to look at a girl in a sundress or something, something pretty but not porn-y. That's the temptation I'll need to be aware of and resist now, because even that much will eventually lead me back to porn.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

You have the "porn mind" and that is the problem. It's the problem for all of us. It's how we fundamentally look at life and "needs" etc.
It's the way you and me look at women, what they represent and what we think they have that we want....
From a natural perspective, men and women are amazing creatures. If I allow myself to step back so to speak and view the situation...well, modern humans in our Western culture have a terrible understanding of the true sexual nature of our beings. Sexual energy is not necessarily about "sex", no, it's about survival, it's about evolution, it's about the dominance of our species on this planet.
We are not bunny rabbits, we are not "fuck robots", no we are Spiritual beings, and the "sex act" is the most "sacred" thing you can engage in! Not to be taken lightly! Why are all these young people in an uproar about "Roe vs. Wade"? Because they want to fuck, fuck, fuck and they don't want any consequences of their constant fucking! That's why...kill the thing, the "thing"?!?!?!?! Really?????????????????
Mankind has taken a beautiful sacred act and perverted it into a filthy, desperate and pathetic thing we call "sex".
Sexual energy is human energy and it can be used to build pyramids, slay dragons and conquer demonic strongholds, but if we are wasting our precious semen/energy on cheap thrills, we are fucked!
Let us be real men once more.

 

[Percival]

Didn't even think about looking at girls yesterday. I would say the desire is more or less normal at this point: if I happen to see a picture of a pretty girl I appreciate it and do think that it'd be nice to see more, but then I go on with life.

This morning I was listening to YouTube music and the cover art was looked like an interesting story. I looked at the artist's website and saw that it was only just SFW. So I closed it. I count that a victory.

 

[Percival]

Didn't do any other peeking yesterday. It's nice to work on the computer or look something up on my phone and realize later I didn't even think about looking at girls. Unfortunately although it's a good feeling, it's not nearly as much of a rush as looking at porn. But, like dieting, I feel better later.

 

[Simon2]

Keep following the road through the dark forest that leads to the shining castle ... commitment and strength. I think the feeling you get from that is nothing like a rush for sure but over time maybe it's a deeper more meaningful state of mind?

 

[Percival]

@SimonM: thanks. Yes, more meaningful, but appreciating it requires more force of will. Enjoying porn is the path of least resistance.

Yesterday was a good day, although I was disappointed my wife and I didn't get time together; a night without any kids in bed with us, which is unusual, but by the time she came to bed I was already asleep. I know she needs that alone time without kids, but we should try to arrange one night in the week for sex.

 

[Percival]

It still amazes me that after being away from porn for a while, the temptation is almost non-existent. I say almost because, being male, I still enjoy looking at feminine charms. But the compulsion and constant temptation isn't there. On the other hand, I can also tell I'm forgetting the darkness that looking leads to. Which is a good thing, so long as I always remember that it always does lead there.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

I have to admit I got a bit excited in my previous post, and a little compassion was needed, so I was recently "struck down" with an intense physical ailment. I just want to say that overcoming societal conditioning is a conscious effort, and it must be done gently. So, let us not only become men once more, but gentlemen. A gentle strength is needed to accomplish this victory over compulsion and lust. Consistent effort, unwavering commitment, loyalty to the cause, no matter what the circumstances.
Of course there is a physical attraction to the opposite sex, and in some cases the same sex for whatever reasons. But intimacy is a willingness to be completely honest with people, not matter if there is a physical attraction or not. That is what I am learning. And first and foremost the willingness to be honest with myself...I have a family, and I have allowed my compulsion for lust to get between my family and myself, to get in the way of success, because I always felt inferior, what a vicious cycle! Depravity leads to more depravity.
But you're right, let's focus on recovery.....recovering what was lost, an innocence that we were born with, and the experience of accepting life on life's terms.

 

[Percival]

Too busy yesterday morning to post, but it's still going well. Saw a few pictures of sexy girls incidentally yesterday, and one in real life (summertime is always more tempting!) and didn't come home and start searching, or even wanting to. I admired them briefly and went on with life.

 

[Percival]

I am enjoying that I'm not constantly looking at girls, or afraid I'm going to start. I still want to, but the desire is manageable.

 

[Percival]

I'm not working on a college campus any more, which is helpful to me, because I'm not constantly seeing beautiful young women. I see pictures and gifs etc. on the Internet from time to time, but I'm doing much better at seeing them, appreciating them, and then moving on. Not going off and searching for lots more.

 

[Percival]

Not a lot of significant temptation but I did briefly look up pictures of an actress yesterday, and even looked for pictures of her in lingerie. I wasn't exactly looking for "[actress] in lingerie"---I was remembering a scene from a game, long ago, that she did. So I could justify that I wasn't really looking for porn. But, of course, it was just an excuse, and to my credit I knew it and closed the tab.

 

[Percival]

A few searches yesterday for sex-related things. I've been "off" of porn long enough now---a few weeks---that it's only vanilla sexy things that interest me, but they still do, and the horror has faded. But I still know that any looking will lead me back down into the pit, because I've proved that many times before.

 

[Percival]

Not as good yesterday. I did a few searches, though nothing very bad. Several times I picked up my phone---because safe search isn't enforced on it---and then put it back down. Sometimes I stopped and did a set of pushups instead, and once I went outside and mowed the lawn for 15 minutes instead. I wish I hadn't looked even the little that I did, but I am encouraged that I was strongly tempted and mostly did other things instead of giving in. And the temptation did pass, eventually.

 

[Simon2]

Good for you for getting out of there and doing other things.

We have to get to a point where even these first steps aren't an option. Period. We just don't engage with that urge. You will get there - but be careful today - I find I'm often failing after a day like the one you just had, where I was close to the edge.

 

[Percival]

Good for you for getting out of there and doing other things.

We have to get to a point where even these first steps aren't an option. Period. We just don't engage with that urge. You will get there - but be careful today - I find I'm often failing after a day like the one you just had, where I was close to the edge.

Thanks. And yes, you're totally right. Usually these slides stop when I am revolted by what I looked at, afterwards. At the beginning, though, it's pretty "innocent".

Yesterday went better, though. Some slipping in the morning but I was pushing the boundaries less and didn't peek at all in the afternoon, which is usually the harder time. So generally an improvement over Monday.

 

[GBS]

Hi @Percival . I sense you’re going through a critical phase in your recovery. Avoiding the temptation is almost too difficult. It kills you when it’s SO available and just inches away. You’re obviously already aware you need to find stuff to do. You will be amazed how much you get done! Good luck and keep avoiding the porn.

 

[Percival]

Work has been very busy lately and I haven't had time to post. I'm still fighting the good fight, but am at a difficult point. I've been away from porn long enough that I am not repulsed by it; it's soft-core, "normal", sexy things that tempt me, not porn itself. Things that I think most normal men like to see. So I've been peeking. I've been here before, too: the long, very slow slide downwards. And I really want to arrest it now and not when I'm way down in the pit.

So. No Reddit today, other than the forums I use for work research, and no YouTube other than background music. That should help a lot.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Mindfulness and Vigilance, these are two of the necessary actions in recovery and can be combined with whatever one does, I think. Also, the pace at which I move through the day is something to consider, at least for me. Generally the quicker I want to get things done, the more I stumble. So, I have tried to keep my pace steady, steady breath, steady gait.
But sometimes I must also grit my teeth to avoid or to fight a feeling of lust. And isn't it a matter of lust? How does lust emerge? In my experience, it's been conditioning, so practice is vital. Practice what? Mindfulness...paying attention, close attention to thoughts and letting them gently pass....