The clean journey

[chap]

really good job on the work you have done to hide and limit posts on FB. we may have our moments of slipping, no shame for that because we are imperfect, but kudos to you for being honest and sharing your experience!

very impressive! so right now you are not keeping track of your streak, i take it? just going out as long as you can? i want to maybe detach from keeping track, but i find that the daily monitoring keeps me accountable. glad to see from you again!

 

[Percival]

Things are going well, despite occasional slips: rarely ever think about porn and when I do I also remember that even a little bit of peeking will, inevitably, lead me back to full-on porn usage again. I went a year-and-a-half once, a couple of years ago, with no porn, and backslid because I stopped remembering what a little bit will do.

very impressive! so right now you are not keeping track of your streak, i take it?

Thanks @chap! No, I've tracked streaks before and don't find it helps me much. That is, if I want to look at porn I will, no matter how many days it's been. Plus it creates a "fudge it" factor where I decide I might as well go all-in since I've already ruined everything anyway: might as well make it worth it. YMMV, of course and everybody should do what works best for them.

 

[chap]

thanks, insightful notes to keep in mind! keep it up!

 

[Percival]

Yesterday was a good day.

 

[Percival]

Another day of doing good work. On the drive in to work I was pondering an artist I used to follow, who had a talent for drawing what I like to look at. Even just thinking about it used to trigger the compulsion (and might again if I don't keep being careful) but now I know the temptation fades, and quickly, if you don't give in.

 

[Percival]

Yesterday went well. It's pretty much impossible to get enough sleep all week so I start dragging by now, and I am, and that affects willpower, which in turn makes it easier to default to porn. On the other hand, the habit of doing other things---just about anything that isn't porn---changes the default.

 

[Blondie]

On the other hand, the habit of doing other things---just about anything that isn't porn---changes the default.

Isn't this the truth @Percival. I definitely feel this for myself. I think we forget this all too often. If we say life is precious, then we really need to live that way, and living non-purposefully (which is what porn is) is not the answer to our problems. If we find our goals and mission in life, we will simply have no time for that filth!

Best

 

[Percival]

Thanks @Blondie!

Late to bed and up early every day this week has left me pretty run down by today. Listening to YT music by a girl pianist, which is living a little dangerously for me. But I did manage to choose a woman who is notable for her playing skills and not for being hot and sexy.

 

[Percival]

Going strong. I feel like I've shaken off the chains, although I know I can recapture myself at any time. And that's what it really is: the triggers might be external but the temptation comes from myself.

 

[Percival]

Staying focused...

 

[Percival]

This morning I do feel the desire, and I'm working from home so I have the opportunity. It's mostly because all the news lately seems to be depressing, and everyone knows the best thing to do when depressed is spend hours mindlessly staring at pictures and videos (/sarc). After which I'd feel even more depressed.

But I know that, so I won't. Emotions pass, sooner or later.

 

[GBS]

Love that sarcasm. We should get in the habit of laughing at our addict brain, it’s what it deserves. Keep going pal.

 

[Percival]

I didn't look at girls on Friday after all, and I can look back now and recognize that at least half of that down feeling was just a lack of sleep, which happens when kids keep you up too late and you still have to get up early and go to work. It's all part of keeping your higher self in charge, not your baser self.

 

[Percival]

Felt considerable desire yesterday but I didn't let myself start imagining scenes or looking/searching for them and eventually my mind moved on. Was awake for a while in the middle of the night (that happens more often than it used to, must be an age thing) and that used to be a dangerous time, because it feels like a time that doesn't count. But I got up and read a book instead.

 

[Percival]

Still going. I notice the women around me but seeing a hot woman doesn't overwhelmingly tempt to me to go find more pictures/videos that look like her. It's (mostly) easy to admire her (briefly and respectfully) and move on, which is how it should be.

 

[Percival]

Going well. Weekend wasn't quite as busy as they have been: in fact I got a long nap in both days. Hated napping as a kid and love them now! Being caught up on sleep improves the outlook on life in every way, including the temptation to porn.

 

[Percival]

Still going. Biggest challenge now is to not get complacent. The "good" news is that I've failed so often that I have a truckload of history to remember whenever I think that just a little won't hurt. It always does.

 

[Percival]

Going well. I have to confess I clicked on a couple of suggested girly posts on FB yesterday. On the other hand, it was only 2 or 3, and I don't get on FB much any more, mostly just to find out about very-local news. So I don't consider that a fail, just a momentary distraction akin to the moment when a hot woman randomly walks by. Admire (respectfully), then look away and move on.

 

[Percival]

I was pretty seriously tempted yesterday; can't think of any particular trigger that started it, maybe just because it's been many weeks. Anyway, I nearly did. Instead, I opened up my private journal and wrote out exactly what I wanted to find/look at. And wrote out what I knew for absolute certainty would happen afterwards: I'd keep looking, perhaps for many days, until I disgusted myself with some kind of depraved porn and would feel so shocked and repulsed (but only afterwards) that I'd get back on the wagon. Absolute certainty because that's what has happened before, over and over and over.

Writing it out really helped. After I was done writing I had zero temptation.

 

[Percival]

Yesterday went fine. Short on sleep today, and my wife is scheduled to work the next 3 nights, which means no intimacy will be happening and I'll be solo parenting in the evenings, which is usually when kids are hardest to deal with. Won't be much time for temptation but I need to be aware that there will be reason for being tempted (loneliness, frustration, tiredness, etc.).