The clean journey

Percival

Percival

Active Member
I looked at one mildly suggestive YT video yesterday, and very nearly got my phone out to find more, and more suggestive ones (at work, no less!). But again, I wrote it out into my private journal and that did away with the urge, and gave my rational self time to say, "What the #(%* are you thinking??"
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Percival said:
I looked at one mildly suggestive YT video yesterday, and very nearly got my phone out to find more, and more suggestive ones (at work, no less!). But again, I wrote it out into my private journal and that did away with the urge, and gave my rational self time to say, "What the #(%* are you thinking??"
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Good job catching yourself and nipping it in the bud! For me one is rarely ever just one.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Monday was good, because it was the holiday and I spent barely any time online. Tuesday was okay too: tempted during the day, but I successfully resisted. By evening I was tired and feeling like I was getting sick, both of which makes for really low willpower. Porn's an easy drug when you feel like you really just don't care any more, and I did some searches that weren't really porn but definitely weren't necessary. The positive is that they weren't porn and I managed to put my phone away before they became porn. Part of that was the thought that I've been porn-free for weeks now and did I really want to throw that success away for so little gain?

Today I feel better and am working, at work, so it's a normal day. Return to routine should help with any further temptation.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Tuesday and Wednesday went well too; I was afraid I was starting one of those slow slides into the pit but I seem to be okay. My libido seems to be falling, which is helpful in this respect, although it seems like I'm not quite old enough for that yet. Or maybe I'm no longer semi-constantly arousing myself with porn or near-porn, and that makes it fall to more natural levels.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @Percival

Percival said:
My libido seems to be falling, which is helpful in this respect, although it seems like I'm not quite old enough for that yet. Or maybe I'm no longer semi-constantly arousing myself with porn or near-porn, and that makes it fall to more natural levels.
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I think this is a common phenomenon. We compulsive addicts probably had/have no idea what normal libido should be. We convinced ourselves we had a very strong sex drive but I think the reality is that we were just constantly looking for more dopamine rushes. So when we fix our brains and we reboot back to factory settings then we get a normal libido back and it seems like we’re not so compulsive and driven by sex anymore.

I think you/we should be almost rejoicing in this or certainly be comfortable with the feeling.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Cheers @GBS! I dunno...I've gone months before with little/no porn and didn't notice any particular change in my libido. But, I was younger then. It's complicated. Anyway, it doesn't really matter: it doesn't change how or when or where or with who I can be involved. Today is a new day and we press on. Never surrender!
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
I stayed home sick yesterday and it turned out that I was sick enough to feel bad but well enough to get bored. Which is a bad combination: I really thought I was going to start looking at girls, with the temptation so strong and the will to resist so low. I opened up a tab or two...and then went and did something else. Even when you're sick or otherwise at a low ebb, just redirecting yourself helps a lot.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Nice job @Percival on redirecting yourself. The battle is really in those key moments of this journey.

Keep killing it, and hope you feel better too.
 
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Percival

Percival

Active Member
Thanks @Blondie!

I'm afraid I'll jinx myself by saying this but: it used to be that any minor slip up, like Wednesday's, would inevitably lead to a downward slide into "real" porn. But that hasn't happened with the last few, which I find encouraging. That's probably because a) I'm posting more regularly here and b) just being out of the habit for a while means it's easy (well, easier) to dismiss the temptation and go on to something else, now that I don't have enticing images so ready accessible in my head.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
I jinxed myself, of course. On one of the weekend days I went looking for sexy girls, intentionally. The bad news is that I went looking at all: the good news is that the looking didn't progress to real porn and I shut myself down after just a few minutes. And, it's been a couple of days since and I haven't looked at more, although I have felt more tempted.

The only thing to do is keep going on. Posting here and/or journaling, every day or nearly every day.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
On the drive to work I was strongly tempted with a certain image idea. Not that I could look at the time, but I was seriously thinking about looking for it with my phone, in the parking lot, before I went in to work. Eventually I took the time to actually think about it (not just fantasizing) and reminded myself how it would lead to looking at more, etc etc. Just the act of directly considering it (as opposed to constantly trying to push it away, while also kind of wanting it) made the temptation part fade.

By the time I got to work I'd forgotten about it, and then I was busy enough that I didn't even remember the temptation until now, 3-4 hours later.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Well...shucks. Yesterday was just a disaster. Started with tame stuff and ended the day with straight-out porn. The triggers were mostly being tired, sick, and bored with work. And working from home, so lots of opportunity to be unobserved. I'd been slipping for a good week so this is no surprise to me. The positive...yesterday in the post-binge regret phase I couldn't come up with any. Today I think the positive is that it has been months since I had one of those days.

I don't know how to deal with the long slide. The pattern is always the same: go on a porn binge, feel guilty and regretful afterwards, and go cold-turkey for a while. Eventually the porn-related feelings fade and a while after that the desire to look returns. I start peeking and a week or two later a binge happens.

It's been a long time since I was porn-free for many weeks, which proves I can do it. Time to get back up on the horse and ride again.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Yesterday was rocky and not an unqualified success: but also, a lot more success than failure, despite the failures. Each time I successfully resist the temptation I build the habit (although it's very unfortunate that a single failure tears it down a lot more).
 
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Percival

Percival

Active Member
Thursday was a good day and so far Friday is too. Temptation actually rises after I give in, usually, but I haven't re-given in and I think it may be fading. It'll never completely fade away, though.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
The weekend was fine, although a busy blur, and so was Monday. Tuesday was rocky and a) I went looking for things I shouldn't have but b) even so, it wasn't porn and didn't degenerate into a porn binge. That's a victory in my book, even if a messy one.

Wife and I are doing ok vis-a-vis each other, but we are both feeling overwhelmed with work and kids and spend most of our time like ships passing in the night (sometimes literally!) and not having time to talk or enjoy each other. Or, when we do, we have to use the time to discuss kid issues or budget or house repairs, which is all distinctly unsexy.

Resorting to porn, of course, will make all of this worse, not better.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
I'm not sure how I am feeling or why, I just know I'm unmotivated to stay committed to this betterment effort. So much easier to just listlessly entertain myself with sexy girls.

Wife and I had time together yesterday afternoon, as usual, and it went okay. She always likes to begin by talking about pretty much everything that has ever crossed her mind the whole week: kids, work, kids, church, house, etc etc. About as unsexy of foreplay time as you can imagine, but I guess she needs that connection time to build intimacy, so I do my best to listen patiently. She's working part-time and wants to work more: I don't want her to let work become more important than raising the kids. It was a thing we needed to discuss and it wasn't an argument and I'm glad I didn't say nothing (which is what I tend to do), but all in all it wasn't fantastic sex.

That's just one thing, though. I'm probably just generally exhausted: Son just finished his soccer season, so I've been picking him up from practice two nights a week since July (getting home about 8:30pm) plus spending every Saturday driving for hours to watch his games. Spent all day Friday and Saturday at the state tournament. Really enjoyed watching him develop this season but yeah, I'm exhausted.

Work is okay and I enjoy getting paid, and the actual work is fine, but the pace has been slow. Like only one or two things to do, or none, all day. Doing my best to fill the extra time with make-work projects of my own or training/development, but it hasn't been really motivating.

Thanks for listening, Internet people who've never met me and never will! I just needed to whine a bit. Looking at girls won't help any and unloading all the above helps me know that it's not really what I need or even want.
 
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