The clean journey

GBS

Respected Member
Mate, we all get it. We’ve all been there. Some of us are there a lot but can’t admit it. Coming on here and saying it is really helpful for us and obviously you too. The struggle is possibly (sadly) forever. But most importantly when we’re learning new habits, the struggle will slowly subside so that isn’t a struggle, it’s just a thing. The road to that point is of indeterminate length, but you most certainly aren’t at the beginning of it. You’re a pro on here. One of the men who makes a huge effort. You’re good at abstaining - you just have moments when you wonder if it’s working, right?

That makes you normal. If you said it was easy, I, and everyone else wouldn’t believe you. You inspire me. Keep going.
 

Percival

Active Member
Thanks so much @GBS, that really helps! It is easier now than it was, say, 10 years ago. Which is to say that when I do give in it isn't as bad or for as long or as often. None of which would impress anyone else but yeah, progress has been made.

Today is another WFH day for me. Last week I didn't exactly look at porn okay, let's not sugarcoat it. I pretty much mixed work and soft-core porn all day when at home last week. I don't want to fear (the temptation that comes when) working from home: how stupid would that be? So, time to turn around the habits when at home.
 

Percival

Active Member
Yesterday went...pretty okay. Certainly better than last week, but I can't say I didn't look at all. I'm choosing to focus on the 90% that did go well. One thing that was especially helpful was to set a timer for myself: I was watching training videos and those get boring, so then I "take a break" and entertain myself with girls. So yesterday I set a timer for 15 minutes of learning, and then 5 minutes of break. Knowing I only have 5 minutes motivates me to use the time more productively.
 

Percival

Active Member
Wednesday was a good day. Mind you, I did try to look a couple of times but my phone had a poor connection every time and I gave up. From today's perspective that seems so lame.

Working from home again today and there are no tasks breathing down my next so I need to be careful. Idle hands and the devil and all: I should use timers again and queue up some non-porn distractions for when I need a break.
 
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TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Wednesday was a good day. Mind you, I did try to look a couple of times but my phone had a poor connection every time and I gave up. From today's perspective that seems so lame.

Working from home again today and there are no tasks breathing down my next so I need to be careful. Idle hands and the devil and all: I should use timers again and queue up some non-porn distractions for when I need a break.
Hi @Percival , may I suggest a free ways that have helped me?

A big part of returning to PMO is the utter lack of alternative sources of joy and happiness we have created in our life, because we didn't dedicate time to it earlier.

I found some activities that resonate with me a lot.
Aquarium keeping
Chess
Reading some topics
Blogging

1. these are things I inherently enjoy.
They are fun and somewhat effortless
2. They continue to make me feel good and rewarded long after I stopped
3. They occupy my mind even when I'm not doing them.

Try and find activities like these. This is the core of satisfaction and satiation in non addicted and non dependent minds.

Broaden your life.
Don't just do things that people say are good for you. Find and do those that resonate with you. Have something of a longer term than can take you away from the hollowness of now.


2. Approach behavior like a crime investigation.
Find out the who where what when how whenever cravings set in.
Eg. 2pm, empty house, toilet, phone, site/ model.

This is because many times our behavior is
1. Learned and habitualized through practice and repetition
2. Instigated by environment and surroundings, not premeditated
3. Resulting from lack of choices.

We do some things not because we want to but because we
are used to,
are blind to,
don't know what else to do,
don't have anything else to do.

Knowing this, we can find ways to overcome them.

I hope this helps you!
 
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Percival

Active Member
Thursday morning went pretty well. Thursday afternoon: well, I didn't look at pictures but I started reading stories. Which is better, but only marginally, and I felt terrible about it afterwards. I wasn't going to post this morning, but: that's the truth, and I need to face yesterday's failures. The positive is that each failure, while it is a failure, is less than the one before.

When working from home I have a personal computer and try to do all personal business (e-mail, web surfing) there and not on my work computer. Since I have a pretty strong rule against looking at porn on my work computer, that means I only really have opportunity on those days. So I guess next time I'm at home I need to stick to my work computer. Working is what I'm supposed to be doing anyway.
 

Percival

Active Member
Yesterday I did a thing I haven't done in weeks: made it through the entire WFH day without looking at porn, and indeed without looking at girls at all. I wish I felt more excited about it: as excited about what I didn't do as I feel guilty when I do it. But that's how it works: not doing a thing doesn't lift you up, it just means you're not now standing in a hole.

Nevertheless, I do feel good. I'm experienced enough to know that bad days will come again and I'll be tempted again and probably will give in again in the future. But that doesn't matter: yesterday's gone and tomorrow is in the future. And anyway I am doing better, looking back over the years: the graph has lots of ups and downs on it but the general trend is (slowly) upwards.
 

Percival

Active Member
Well, bad days did come again. I'm not entirely sure why sex has been so much on my mind lately, but it has. Nevertheless, I haven't been looking at porn, including my WFH day yesterday. Mostly I've been finding other things to do when the temptation strikes. And reminding myself---constantly, it seems like---that the more you encourage it, the stronger the porn temptation gets. The less you do it, or even think about it, the less tempting it is.
 

Percival

Active Member
I haven't been looking at porn, but...

I started using AI to write stories. Easy thing to do, just a few minutes here and there, and I was very careful not to write or let them become erotic in any way. But after a while I started noticing I was getting aroused anyway, maybe because most of them were damsel-in-distress stories. Partly because I like that kind of fantasy and also because it's pretty hard to write a Halloween-themed story that doesn't involve a damsel in distress. Anyway, the ultimate result after a week or so was 30 minutes of writing (and reading, and exciting myself) an erotic story that was basically porn without the pictures.

So, can't do that any more. Which is a shame, because I like to write and it was a neat way to exercise the writing skill when I don't otherwise have time, if only I could've kept it on the straight and narrow.

Positive: it wasn't pictures or movies. And it was 30 minutes, not staying up all night. That too is an improvement.
 

Percival

Active Member
Tuesday and Wednesday were both pretty hard, as in I was trying, but sometimes slipping. It's infuriating how difficult it is to keep your own mind where you want it: it's not like (most) of the temptation is out of your control. Most of it comes from my own self.

My wife and I got some together last night so I feel better today, and we positively discussed how I need it more often.
 

Percival

Active Member
Last week was pretty rough and I'm not proud of it. The positive is that, among other things, I put a blocker on my phone and created a block list for my home computer. Block lists aren't usually all that effective: there's always more websites to find. But they help to forcefully break a particular temptation. Then, now that it's broken, I have to be mindful of the small temptations that will eventually lead to the big ones. Holding the line when they're small is (usually) not too difficult: holding the line when the temptation is huge is nearly impossible.

To set up your own block list in Windows:
  1. Open Notepad with admin rights (Run As administrator)
  2. From within Notepad, open C:\Windows\System32\drivers\etc\hosts
  3. To block a website, add an entry like this:
127.0.0.1 [tab] www.badwebsite.com
127.0.0.1 [tab] badwebsite.com​

Hosts files are how computers used to find websites before DNS became a thing, and computers still check there first (macOS and Linux also have hosts files that can be edited). 127.0.0.1 is your own computer, so this line tells the computer to look to itself for the website, where of course it won't find it. You can, of course, use commercial porn-blockers, but I find this works better, because I can block the sites that I personally find tempting. On the other hand, you can override it yourself, but having to do all the work of opening the hosts file and editing it usually interrupts the temptation enough for my smarter self to regain control.
 

Percival

Active Member
Short version is that things haven't been going badly but I keep making small slipups. Which will eventually turn into a big one. I also find I'm reluctant to post here because that means I have to be more careful about what I do. Which is silly.

In any case, I'm happier with myself (and therefore in general) when I'm looking at good things so I want to keep that trend going.
 
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Percival

Active Member
Thanks @GBS! Blocked some more sites yesterday to help my future self break habits. Blocking sites is only somewhat helpful, to me, because there are always more to be found if I want to look. But it helps if I'm in the habit of a particular one.

I usually post here first thing in the morning; I should start trying to post in the afternoon too, because I usually start getting bored and/or tired and that's a bad combination.
 
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Percival

Active Member
Yesterday was a good day. Partly because work was much busier---boredom is a big trigger for me---and partly a reaction to past excess. I'll get to a point where I'm just sick and tired of the temptation to look at sexy things and I just don't want any more of it. Like when you eat too much and don't want to even look at food any more.

Of course, none of these feelings are permanent. This is the time to fill my mind with good things, even in the bored moments.
 

GBS

Respected Member
@Percival - all sounds good, pal. I think coping with boredom is a real discussion point. The rote answer is find something to do, but actually in life (unless you have young kids) there’s always some boredom. Alcoholics fill it with drink. Gamblers fill it with betting. But when they pack up booze and gambling they’re bored too. I have no quick answer except acknowledge it is a thing and be super wary of the opportunity to act out, and just accept part of life is boring! Or go and find something to do….😉
 

Percival

Active Member
Yesterday went reasonably well, and when I was bored I didn't go looking at girls. Well, maybe a little bit. It's a work in progress, but I want to keep reminding myself of the standard I'm trying to maintain. It's so easy to forget in the moment.

@GBS, yes, I agree. Of course we should solve boredom by finding something to do, but that's not always practical. You can't very well dive deep into a personal project when you're at work and it gets slow. You can and should try to find things to do at work, but sometimes those make-work projects are uninspiring. I think part of it is just accepting that sometimes life does get boring and we work on finding positive things to do or think about in those moments, and not just mindlessly defaulting to the path of least resistance.
 

Percival

Active Member
Good weekend, with no porn. Partly because there was no time and partly my wife and I are doing better at having enough time together. Ironically it's when I'm at work that it gets tempting. Time to embrace the feeling of not needing it and holding on to that feeling even when inevitably I do start feeling the need again.

It's a lot like someone trying to lose weight: you do have to eat, just not too much or too often.
 

Percival

Active Member
Yesterday: pretty good, with a little backsliding. It's funny not funny how I know pretty much exactly how every day will go.

Today is my WFH day. And since I do know how it usually goes: this is the hardest day, because it is so easy to hide what I'm looking at, especially if I don't have a crushing load of work, which I don't. So, I am intentionally and explicitly making myself accountable here to you all: today I won't look at porn: light, soft, hard, or anything else.
 
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