The clean journey

Percival

Active Member
Successful Tuesday, which is to say: I stayed focused on work and didn't waste time looking at girls in any state of dress or undress. It felt good to come to the end of the day and feel like I used it well.

I was pondering this morning that I feel like I've turned a corner, but I also remember that I've turned many corners before. But it doesn't matter: past performance does predict that I'll fail again, but so what. Today is today and that is the only day I have any control over. It's halfway through the week and I feel neither great temptation nor great anti-porn determination (which is the way it should be). The goal for today is to do "normal" things, and remember that small backsliding tends to lead to large backsliding.
 

Percival

Active Member
I don't track days but it's been something like a week since I looked at anything remotely porn-like, so that's a good week.

I don't really want to look at porn per se today, but I'm feeling down after experiencing a blowup with my teenage daughter last night, and would like to look at some sexy girls today. It's a distraction and a way to numb the feelings, pretty much how I've heard alcoholics describe drinking. And wouldn't actually help anything and would only create more and bigger problems for me. So, not going to do that.
 

Percival

Active Member
It was a good weekend, with little opportunity or even temptation. I say little because FB made some sexy suggestions---because I've looked at them before---and I didn't ignore them as I should have. Pretty minor slip and I'm not counting it, but I need to keep that in mind for the future.

This morning a recurring fantasy was running through my head on the way into work. Instead of going and looking for it, I wrote it out in my private journal. Both what I was thinking about and what---based on past experience---would happen if I did anything about it, even in the most mild and SFW way. Somehow that helps to cool myself down and I can move on (without looking).
 

Percival

Active Member
I was pretty pleased with yesterday. I'm at the stage where I still think about looking but don't feel the compulsion, and yet also feel like it wouldn't hurt much to look. If my rational self can keep overriding that impulse, I'll eventually move on to the stage where looking doesn't even occur to me (at which point the challenge will be staying vigilant against the temptation when it does just randomly come out of nowhere).

Today's a work from home day. Focus on not opening the door even a little.
 

Percival

Active Member
Tuesday and Wednesday went well and I'm doing pretty good. It's hard not cheat even the least little bit, but I don't think I should be too hard on myself when that happens. It's when I start intentionally seeking porn (soft, hard, or otherwise) out and excusing it and spending a lot of time on it that it becomes a problem.

Anyway, today is another day and I'm reminding myself that I enjoy how much better I feel when I'm neither constantly (guiltily) indulging, nor (because I haven't been) constantly fighting the temptation. And the more I don't look the easier even those small cheating temptations will become.
 

Percival

Active Member
The rest of the family is out of town and I'm home alone minding the farm. Yesterday went badly and I wasted a lot of time. So I'm posting here, first thing in the morning, to be committed to thinking and acting rightly the rest of the weekend.
 

Percival

Active Member
The rest of the weekend went pretty well. Not 100% but pretty well. It's always easier when everyone else is around, which I think is both due to accountability and just life feeling "normal". Being married with kids, I rarely have long stretches of time where it's just me, and it usually takes a few days for me to get used to it and settle down.

I told my wife that there were lots of temptations over the weekend, and she was very supportive. She knows it's a thing that is hard for me. Next time I should tell her before they leave (but then the problem is finding time: can't very well say, "Everyone packed? Car has gas? Oh, and by the way I really want to look at porn.").
 
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Percival

Active Member
Last Friday wasn't good: erotic stories rather than pictures. Had a long talk with myself afterwards: I'm sick and tired of constantly fighting myself and this ping-pong between looking and not looking. I think I need to focus on the temptation when it is very light, just a passing thought that occurs to me, and I know think looking at that isn't porn and isn't going to lead to porn. Any more than, say, eating one bite of ice cream will lead to pigging the whole quart down in one sitting.

The problem for me, it does. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it will, and I've never been very good at pulling back from the temptation once it gets strong. So I need to work hard at the temptation at the early stage. Which is where I'm at today: not really tempted at all, and I need to do nothing/look at nothing that might eventually lead to temptation.
 
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Percival

Active Member
Yesterday was good, and today is good too, so far. Remembering that I'm done with this, and I'll continue to be done with it even when I slide again, which I'm likely to do. But I'm still done with it.
 

Percival

Active Member
Tuesday was a good day; I worked from home and avoided temptation. Trying to build better habits to help sustain me the next time the temptation comes on strongly, which I know will happen. I rarely hold out when it get strong, although it's really my own doing: it gets strong because I encourage it. It's critical that I control it at the beginning, when the temptation isn't much of a threat.

It's kind of an unfair fight: to win, I have to win every time, but I only have to lose once.
 

Percival

Active Member
No. To win, you have to never give up- no matter how many times it takes. Losing a battle doesn't mean you lose the war.

You're absolutely right, of course! You can wear out the enemy---which is really just yourself---by never surrendering.

It's going well. I keep trying to remind myself to be vigilant and very careful with the little things that don't seem like a big deal, like happening across some actress and deciding to go look up more pictures of her. It isn't porn, but that's what always gets me started, and eventually I'll be back to real porn.
 

Percival

Active Member
A good day. Funny how I seem to get more done when I'm not looking at girls or trying not to. Reminder to myself to say "no" when the temptations are very small and easy.
 

Percival

Active Member
It's going pretty well. I feel optimistic, although cynically I know that usually that means I start being less vigilant and I end up sliding back. However, I'm still reminding myself that the small temptations matter and I've been pretty good at keeping them under control.
 

Percival

Active Member
Some erotic story ideas occurred to me yesterday on the drive home from work. Objectively pretty lame, really, but entertaining to me. But in keeping with my beat-the-small-temptations effort I shut those thoughts down almost as soon as they started, and when the thought kept coming back I eventually changed my audiobook to something more interesting. Even in the privacy of my own imagination it's better for me to keep it clean.
 

Percival

Active Member
I really didn't think much about girls or porn on Tuesday. That's good: it's easiest when it's just not on the mind.

Today I don't feel particularly tempted but I did wake up too early and feel pretty foggy. It's easy to default to porn when that happens.
 

Percival

Active Member
Going well. I feel like I've turned a corner but I'm afraid to say that because I've turned a lot of corners before. I don't count the days but my private journal tells me tomorrow will be 2 weeks.
 
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