The clean journey

[Percival]

It's been a bit more difficult lately to stick to my "win the small battles" strategy. More than once I've found myself fantasizing about something, or almost looking up something, or searching for forum discussions about sex (because that's not really porn).

On the other hand, those have been pretty small things and I've been pretty successful at resisting the temptations. Imperfect success is good too.

 

[Percival]

The "small battles" thing is still difficult, but I'm persevering and doing ok. I think it's mostly that I've been "clean" long enough now that it requires some effort to remember how bad I feel after a binge, and it also requires effort to remember how those binges start: with losing small battles and being more and more permissive until the binge happens.

I don't think that will happen, though I hesitate to say that, because failure is pretty consistent (I wouldn't be here otherwise). But I like where I am at and I feel more aware than in the past that it usually falls apart when I am tired, sad, frustrated, etc. and trying to be more vigilant then.

 

[Percival]

The temptations were pretty strong yesterday. I tend to hold myself to a perfect standard and be disappointed with anything short of that but the truth is that despite the temptations and some backsliding, I didn't resort to porn. And today has been easier, so far anyway.

 

[Percival]

Wednesday went pretty well. It's really hard to remember, in the moment, that temptations come and go, but they do. I may feel really tempted for an hour or two or even for an entire day, but then (especially if I don't give in) it will pass and I won't even think about it for hours or days.

 

[Percival]

I haven't been giving in. Sometimes I'll encounter an actress online and go look up her pictures, but not lingerie or bikini shots, and I shut the tab down pretty quickly. I think this is what normal guys who aren't addicted to porn do: admire, look at a few more sometimes, and then move on with life. On the one hand, I hope I'm not backsliding; on the other hand, whatever "normal" is, it is probably not "don't look at anything, anywhere, any time" which is what I do after a binge. Hopefully I'm just rediscovering normal.

 

[Percival]

Feeling low today, for reasons that make sense to me but everything looks gray when you're feeling down and probably it's not as bad as it seems. Looking at girls is used to be what I'd do: it didn't make me feel better but it would numb the feelings for a while.

Reminding myself that looking at girls, especially now, will only make myself feel worse. Doing some actual productive work will make me feel better though, eventually.

 

[Percival]

I made it through the weekend. From time to time I look at my phone and think, "Well, I could go look for..." So far I have been able to follow that thought with, "Yes, but that would lead to more and more and pretty soon you'd be looking at straight-up porn and be back where you don't want to be." So I guess I'm training myself to follow the temptation-thought with the result-thought. One (dubious) benefit to years of this temptation is that it is extremely evident where those temptations eventually lead.

 

[GBS]

Good stuff @Percival . We devotees are all fully aware of what you’re talking about. The indescribable pain of temptation. I suppose alcoholics and drug addicts have exactly the same pain. We will never know how deep the pain is that we each suffer, but we all have a pretty good idea and it’s sometimes really bad. So when you fight it off, you have done an incredible thing. It makes fighting it off the next time a fraction easier. Just a fraction, but it is still there.

Keep resisting, pal. This is the freedom path, as excruciatingly painful as it is.

 

[Percival]

Thanks @GBS! I've often wondered why people who haven't had a drop in decades still describe themselves as "recovering alcoholics". With the effort I've put into this crusade over the last 4-5 years...now I fully understand why they say that. It might've been years, but it's an ever-present temptation.

 

[Percival]

I've been a little sloppy lately, forgetting (or intentionally not wanting to think about) winning those small battles. But that's how you keep those big temptations from getting a grip, so I need to be better.

 

[GBS]

You ok, mate?

 

[Percival]

You ok, mate?

Thanks, friend. Was out all last week on spring break.

Things are going pretty well: if I am completely honest there have been a couple of times, here and there, when I did a search for girls. But not out of compulsion or need, just---I dunno--because I could, I suppose. I'm taking them not as failures but as reminders not to neglect the small battles. Which, incidentally, I won one of those last night, when all the kids were feeling stressed and irritable over going back to school today: so by the time I got to bed I was feeling blue and discouraged and just wanted to look at some boobs. But I didn't.

 

[Percival]

Still going. Still feeling tempted. Still not winning all the small battles, but more than I lose.

 

[Percival]

Generally going well and haven't been looking at porn. I really enjoy writing stories and have been experimenting with using AI story writers. The problem (for me) is that almost all of them are quite willing to do NSFW stories, and if I can...well, eventually I will. The ones that have a censor aren't as good or don't work as well. I'm trying to be bluntly honest with myself: I haven't used them badly (this go-around) yet, but I certainly could, and if I find myself going that way I need to shut it down long before it becomes a big temptation.

 

[Percival]

Still no porn. I found some AI that doesn't do porn, so that's helpful.

In-laws are visiting for a couple of days. I get along with them fine, but he's a double-amputee so we always have to give up our bedroom for them, as it's the only ground-floor bedroom, and move into one of the kids' rooms. The kids double up so we get the room to ourselves but I sleep badly in different places. And being tired is an excellent reason to look at porn, at least according to my lizard brain.

 

[Percival]

It's gotten much easier to actually think about the temptations when they come, instead of mindlessly following the compulsion. It still takes an effort of will, but it's easier. I suppose the habit of thinking about it is just like any other habit: the more you do, the easier it becomes. And once I think about it, I remember how bad it is, how guilty I feel afterwards, how it doesn't really make me feel better, etc etc.

I keep continually trying to remind myself of the small battles, which really means gently redirecting myself from ogling when that presents itself.

 

[Percival]

Small slipup this morning, when I disabled the Safe Search on an image search that I didn't need to be doing anyway. It's a reminder to keep paying attention to the small battles.