The clean journey
- Thread starter Percival
- Start date
Percival
Active Member
Temptation is kind of like the ebbing tide. The first wave is big, and if you don't give in it goes away. And then it does come back, but the second time it isn't as big (although, because it's almost as big, you can't really tell). And then each successive time is less, until it becomes almost unnoticeable.
At least that's where I'm at now. The last week or two I've felt some big temptations, but I've (mostly) resisted and now they're ebbing. James 4:7 (Resist the devil and he will flee from you) really is true, although I'd add that he's not running away because he's afraid of you, just leaving for better opportunities elsewhere, with plans to return at a more opportune time.
At least that's where I'm at now. The last week or two I've felt some big temptations, but I've (mostly) resisted and now they're ebbing. James 4:7 (Resist the devil and he will flee from you) really is true, although I'd add that he's not running away because he's afraid of you, just leaving for better opportunities elsewhere, with plans to return at a more opportune time.
Percival
Active Member
And opportune times always come again. Although it doesn't really require the devil: I can do it myself without any outside help. Like this morning. I have a very rich imagination and it's really easy to let it go into NSFW mode. I have to be careful with NSFW-adjacent too.
To end on a positive note, I haven't (yet) drifted into actual porn. And I hope I'm now aware (again) about why winning the small battles in my own head with where my thoughts are and are going to keep myself where I want to be.
To end on a positive note, I haven't (yet) drifted into actual porn. And I hope I'm now aware (again) about why winning the small battles in my own head with where my thoughts are and are going to keep myself where I want to be.
Percival
Active Member
The rest of yesterday and all of day have gone well. It might be that my lows are not as low as they used to be: I used to have to crash hard, binge on disgusting porn for hours, and then I could shut the door for a while. Sometimes I knew I was spiraling down over days or weeks but I couldn't stop it until after the crash.
Lows still happen, like yesterday, but it was the most vanilla of porn and the "binge" lasted for maybe 15 minutes. That used to be the opening of the slide down into the crash, but I feel the way I do on the day after a crash, like my head's on normally and I'm thinking clearly and know what to do or not to do to keep myself controlled, and am doing or not doing that.
Of course, I've been hopeful before too. Hopefully I don't regret this post in the new few days, looking back at it after crashing.
Lows still happen, like yesterday, but it was the most vanilla of porn and the "binge" lasted for maybe 15 minutes. That used to be the opening of the slide down into the crash, but I feel the way I do on the day after a crash, like my head's on normally and I'm thinking clearly and know what to do or not to do to keep myself controlled, and am doing or not doing that.
Of course, I've been hopeful before too. Hopefully I don't regret this post in the new few days, looking back at it after crashing.
Percival
Active Member
My wife and youngest daughter are leaving this afternoon and will be gone until Sunday afternoon, to a mother-daughter retreat sort of thing. I hope and expect it'll be a great experience for them. Meanwhile, I'll be home with the other kids doing the single-parent thing and missing her. So this is me committing to posting here each day so I don't resort to porn while she's gone.
Percival
Active Member
Didn't post yesterday, but I only had maybe 15 minutes online all day, none of which was used for porn. My wife got back yesterday afternoon and we got some time together. Only she had to work last night, and is scheduled to work tonight and Tuesday night. We're both sad about not getting to sleep together, and I imagine it'll bother me by Tuesday. Hopefully it will help to know it's coming.
Percival
Active Member
I have erotic stories on my mind, and I'm feeling enormous temptation to imagine them out and write them down. I know perfectly well that I'll be disappointed at the end, because there's never much plot, plus it's just written porn and the guilt and shame afterwards will be greater than the fun I'll have in the moment. But I still want to.
Still, I haven't yet.
EDIT: about 3 hours later, and I haven't looked or written or anything. The temptation has faded so much that I'm looking back and wondering what I was so upset about. It's wild how the compulsion goes from huge and overwhelming to just...(almost) nothing.
Still, I haven't yet.
EDIT: about 3 hours later, and I haven't looked or written or anything. The temptation has faded so much that I'm looking back and wondering what I was so upset about. It's wild how the compulsion goes from huge and overwhelming to just...(almost) nothing.
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Percival
Active Member
I ought to be feeling frustrated this morning, because my wife and I planned time together last night and then the kids (unintentionally) conspired to make that not happen. And I am.
On the other hand, it's a warm spring day and I started it at 6am with coffee on the back deck, looking out over the newly-planted fields. I listened to a lovely and thoughtful book on the drive in to work. I parked on the far side of campus, with plenty of time to get to my office, and enjoyed a leisurely walk across an empty campus with grass and trees of brilliant green and the heady smell of some kind of flowering bush. I'm healthy and my wife and kids are healthy and happy. I'm content with my work and have useful things to do today. I'll tell my wife I hope we can have time tonight and she'll do her best to make it happen because that's what she does.
So it's a good day.
On the other hand, it's a warm spring day and I started it at 6am with coffee on the back deck, looking out over the newly-planted fields. I listened to a lovely and thoughtful book on the drive in to work. I parked on the far side of campus, with plenty of time to get to my office, and enjoyed a leisurely walk across an empty campus with grass and trees of brilliant green and the heady smell of some kind of flowering bush. I'm healthy and my wife and kids are healthy and happy. I'm content with my work and have useful things to do today. I'll tell my wife I hope we can have time tonight and she'll do her best to make it happen because that's what she does.
So it's a good day.
Percival
Active Member
I lapsed on Saturday, for about a half hour (or a whole hour, if you count the time spent looking for something, before the actual lapse). No excuse: I gave in to a temptation that's been hovering around for days.
On the plus side, it did take days, and it was only an hour, and it didn't spiral into a long binge into disgusting porn. I'm going to consider it a temporary lapse rather than a full back-to-the-beginning crash.
On the plus side, it did take days, and it was only an hour, and it didn't spiral into a long binge into disgusting porn. I'm going to consider it a temporary lapse rather than a full back-to-the-beginning crash.
Percival
Active Member
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday went pretty well (including Tuesday, my work-from-home day). Trying to continue to focus on those small battles. That focus works well and then I get complacent and don't think about it and allow those small distractions to distract me, etc etc.
Percival
Active Member
Saturday I looked at a few gifs, mildly erotic, and then closed the tab and went on my way. One thing I've found helps a little is making a post to ChatGPT whenever I feel the urge. It responds to the user's tone, so if I'm clearly trying to resist temptation and not wanting to give in, it gives me an encouraging and helping response. Not as good as a real person, of course, and doesn't take the place of accountability like here, but it's still a measure of help.
Percival
Active Member
Not exactly porn, but too many sexy girls yesterday and I need to rein that in today.
I don't post as much as I should when it's going well, which then leads to it not going well. My kids have been trading colds around and now I have it: when I feel cruddy my willpower is much lower and I often turn to porn. I don't necessarily even enjoy it, per se, but it is dependably distracting when I don't have the energy to care about anything else.
On the plus side I don't feel as low today and it's easier to remember and remind myself where this spiral always goes if I keep mindlessly following it.
I don't post as much as I should when it's going well, which then leads to it not going well. My kids have been trading colds around and now I have it: when I feel cruddy my willpower is much lower and I often turn to porn. I don't necessarily even enjoy it, per se, but it is dependably distracting when I don't have the energy to care about anything else.
On the plus side I don't feel as low today and it's easier to remember and remind myself where this spiral always goes if I keep mindlessly following it.
Percival
Active Member
Thanks to @GBS for promoting @Blondie's great post the other day, which is here:
forum.rebootnation.org
I think I mostly agree with this: our attraction to porn is, at its heart, an attraction to women. And that is not a shameful thing: men are wired to be attracted to women! You're supposed to want to look at them! Whether you believe God created us so or through the course of evolution, it's the same result. I can certainly confirm this from my own experience: there is no trauma, no abuse, no "problem" of any sort in my past. I just really like the curves that women have, and I like to look at those curves. Doesn't even matter how satisfied I am with my own wife (and I am, and she takes good care of me), I still like to look.
And that's ok. It's almost exactly like how humans need to eat food, and so we like eating. That's perfectly right and not shameful at all. It only becomes bad when you eat without control. Likewise, our attraction to women is only bad when it's out of control. And it is harder to control, at least for some of us (apparently there are men for whom this is not a problem, or much of a problem, although that's very hard to quantify).
So yes, we shouldn't be ashamed because we want to look. Or when we do look: be ashamed when it is disrespectful and excessive and is controlling you.
Porn is not an option
This is just incredible, but you’re the proof it can be done. Thanks for always being supportive and sharing useful insights and to the next 17 months!
forum.rebootnation.org
I think I mostly agree with this: our attraction to porn is, at its heart, an attraction to women. And that is not a shameful thing: men are wired to be attracted to women! You're supposed to want to look at them! Whether you believe God created us so or through the course of evolution, it's the same result. I can certainly confirm this from my own experience: there is no trauma, no abuse, no "problem" of any sort in my past. I just really like the curves that women have, and I like to look at those curves. Doesn't even matter how satisfied I am with my own wife (and I am, and she takes good care of me), I still like to look.
And that's ok. It's almost exactly like how humans need to eat food, and so we like eating. That's perfectly right and not shameful at all. It only becomes bad when you eat without control. Likewise, our attraction to women is only bad when it's out of control. And it is harder to control, at least for some of us (apparently there are men for whom this is not a problem, or much of a problem, although that's very hard to quantify).
So yes, we shouldn't be ashamed because we want to look. Or when we do look: be ashamed when it is disrespectful and excessive and is controlling you.