The clean journey

[Percival]

I need to post here more often; helps to keep myself honest. Rather up and down lately: mostly ok, but that's not the goal. I think the biggest thing I can do is crack down on my own fantasizing: It's so easy to allow myself to imagine sexy scenes. The excuse is that I don't actually look up anything, but sooner or later I do.

The positives: the down moments have been short in duration.

 

[Percival]

Yesterday went pretty well. This weekend will be a test for me, as my wife and kids are going to a family reunion while I stay home. So, lots of unsupervised time, and I'm getting ahead of the temptation by committing to posting here at least once a day and being truthful: did I cheat on my "diet", even a little bit?

The goal is not "don't look at porn". The goal is "use the extra time productively, better yourself, get useful things done, and be proud of yourself by Sunday night."

 

[Percival]

Yesterday I did very well, considering that a) I'm short on sleep, and that means low willpower and b) I had time alone at home. The most dodgy thing I did all day was skim through a chat thread, partly (but not entirely, but partly) in hopes that someone had posted a picture of a sexy girl.

Still tired today, and the weekend will be pretty quiet, so I still need to be cautious. Don't feel even as tempted as I did yesterday, though, so I feel positive.

 

[Percival]

I got through the weekend without going down a porn spiral! I am not actually as exited as that sounds: it actually isn't exciting to not do something. But of course it's better than feeling guilty, and much better than the last time I was left at home by myself for a while. I used the time to do the second coat of drywall mud on the upstairs remodel, fixed the broken stairwell door, and improved the chicken coop fence so they stop escaping and then pooping on my back deck. None of which is as fun as looking at porn but much more enjoyable to look back on.

 

[Percival]

It's summertime, and women wear a lot less in the summer. My eyes are like radar, constantly scanning for a glimpse of female flesh. Kind of pathetic, when I think about it. Anyway, I don't usually see anyone attractive on my commute, and yesterday I saw two such women. I appreciated them, probably more and longer than I should've, and then...went on my way. Seeing them didn't trigger me to look up porn when I next got the chance.

I'm trying to remind myself that these women that draw my eyes are, in fact, actual human beings. Created by God, each with their own problems and issues and not just the body parts that I look at. Sometimes it takes 30 minutes for the reminder to surface, but I'm trying to keep reminding myself that these are real women.

 

[GBS]

I think when your brain switches so that you see women as women and not sex objects, then you know your brain has done some serious healing. Keep going, pal.

 

[Percival]

Thanks, @GBS! It seems to be an up-and-down sort of thing. Sometimes the switch happens, for a while, and then sometimes I revert.

Yesterday went pretty well. I'm enjoying not having the constant drumbeat of erotica in my head, but I also know it's not far away. As usual, it's the end of the day when I'm most vulnerable to temptation, and I looked up pictures last night from a movie I knew was known for gratuitous scenes, but I kept it SFW, barely. Which is a sign that control is slipping and that I need to take it more seriously today.

 

[Percival]

Yesterday was a struggle, which is to say I looked at things I shouldn't have. Not from any strong temptation, per se, just because I had opportunity, really. On the other hand, once I closed it I was pretty much done, and by evening I was working on other things and not looking or even being tempted any more.

So I'm counting it as a minor fall. It's still going pretty well, despite yesterday.

 

[Percival]

Did I look at girls yesterday? I don't think so. Maybe a few of a mild sort in the early morning, from a tab still open on my phone from the previous day. And no more the rest of the day.

 

[Percival]

Posting again: I'm doing neither really well nor really badly.

 

[Percival]

Another day. Feeling okay today (because my wife and I had time together last night) which is a reminder, again, that how I feel is 90% just an emotional feeling that ebbs and flows and I don't have to let it drive me.

 

[Percival]

Last night and tonight are my wife's scheduled overnight work, so prime time for me to feel sorry for myself and turn to fake girls. Or real girls who have no idea who I am, which is its own form of fake. It's much easier to not start than it is to stop once started.

 

[Percival]

Yesterday I actually had a moment when I was somewhere by myself and no one would notice if I looked at some porn. I actually stopped, looked at the (nice, comfortable) chair and thought about it. And then walked on. Thinking about exactly what the whole experience will be like helps a lot: it'll be fun, it'll feel good, then I'll feel guilty, then I'll feel really bad for a long time, then I'll have to work really hard for days or weeks to get back to the same not-really-feeling-very-tempted state I'm currently in. (too bad not-really-feeling-very-tempted does not mean not tempted).

 

[Percival]

So far so good. Very busy weekend without much time to even think about porn, which is always better than the alternative. Still working on reminding myself, when I do find myself staring at an attractive woman, to think first that she is God's creation. Not just a set of curves for me to ogle.

 

[Percival]

Another day to remind myself to appreciate women as made in the image of God.

 

[Percival]

It's been going pretty well and work has been too busy lately for much downtime, i.e. temptation. So, naturally, it's about time for something to sneak up on me and I spent a few minutes this morning looking at girls on my phone.

So, re-orienting myself, which I seem to need to do every few days. Women are God's creation, not things for me to ogle.

 

[Percival]

It would be nice if the temptation went away, but it never does, any more than the temptation to eat too much does. Women, curves and all, are made in the image of God.

 

[Percival]

It's going so-so. Actually, better than that: more positive than negative. It's only so-so because I can't say I haven't looked at all: I have. I want to be perfect, of course, but I also think it's fair to acknowledge times, when it's a struggle, that I didn't indulge as much or as long or as deep as other times.

 

[Percival]

I work on a college campus: it helps that the weather is turning cooler and that the girls are switching to jeans and sweatshirts. I want to see them as people first, but it's easier when they're not showing so much skin.

 

[Percival]

This temptation never goes away, apparently. Doing things like posting here helps make it recede, but it's always there in the background. I suppose because, like the need to eat, it's ultimately just part of being human.