The clean journey

[Percival]

The chaser effect is real, and strong. My wife and I had sex, several times, last week, and I followed by...looking at girls. Which slipped and slipped over several days until I spent half the day yesterday looking at nudes. On the positive side, past me set up safe search so it's hard to suspend, and I did not undo that. So while I was looking at nudes, it wasn't at porn sites. In other words, I slid down until I reached the bottom, but the bottom wasn't as deep as it has been before.

On the other hand, I knew I was slipping, and I was trying to stop it, but I didn't. And that is the usual pattern: once the slide starts, it continues until it gets bad and I'm repulsed by what I looked at, and with that clarity I can start again. But I don't know how to break that pattern, so that next time---and there will be a next time---I can stop the slide before it begins or right away, if it does start.

 

[Zeile]

Hi Percival. I just read through your journal and I appreciate your reflections. I’m only on day 20, so huge grain of salt, but I find it tremendously helpful to declare my intentions for the day here first thing in the morning. Every day. There are several people posting their support on your pages and many more drawing strength from your successes. Commit to them one day without porn. When the temptation arises, it’s not just a private matter of not peeking, it’s a matter of keeping your word. Do it again tomorrow. One day at a time (day 5,203 of no nicotine for me today and I still post daily). You’ve got this!

 

[Percival]

Thanks, @Zelle. That's a good suggestion. Yesterday went well; only slip was looking up an unfamiliar actress whose name was mentioned . somewhere. Didn't look for sexy pictures of her, but it would've been better not to look her up at all.

No searching for girls today. If and when I encounter a sexy girl, I'll appreciate her and move on.

 

[Percival]

No peeking yesterday. I'm in the stage of recovery where it's pretty easy not to look, because the memory of the pit is still strong. As the memory fades the normal allure of sexy women will grow.

Not going to look up sexy girls today. Not going to look at stories about sex or anything like that, as a way of scratching around the itch.

 

[GBS]

Well done. It’s good practice to use us fellow recovering addicts as your accountability partners. We honestly could not do this alone, so this forum is an unbelievable resource. And when it gets tough, and it will - the brain does not like your daily commitment by the way - you will need your brothers on here like mad. We’ll be here to help you of course.

 

[Percival]

Pretty good weekend. I like looking at my browser history and not seeing searches upon searches for [some kind of] sexy girl. There were two very brief searches that I shouldn't have looked at, though. With safe search enforced, I didn't actually see anything (so even looking was a waste of time).

I enforced safe search for YouTube, too. Some linked videos in blogs are blocked which are probably not actually NSFW but that's just something I have to put up with.

 

[Percival]

Another good day yesterday. Someone mentioned a 1940's era actress yesterday and I looked her up. It's remarkably hard to remember, later in the day, that I don't want to do that: I wasn't looking up nude or sexy pictures of her. It's good, I guess, that I can appreciate a beautiful woman and not be overwhelmed by the temptation to see her without her clothes.

It's been a week or so, now. Long enough that the horror of the pit is fading and my desires are (I think) basically normal. Which, of course, means I need to be extra vigilant because it's easy to accidentally open the door.

Today, if I happen to see a beautiful woman, I'll appreciate her but won't look up any more pictures/videos/etc of her. Even in the most innocent stage of dress.

 

[Percival]

Didn't look at girls yesterday. Thought about it one or twice, like looking up that Finnish PM that's been in the news, and remembered that I'd committed here to not doing so. No good reason to anyway. Saw a few good-looking girls when I was out yesterday---it is summer after all---and noticed, and then came on home and didn't think about them again.

Reviewed yesterday's browser history and saw nothing to be ashamed of. So it's going good. Now the challenge is to keep that up.

 

[Simon2]

Keep it up! Strength!

 

[Percival]

No girls yesterday either. Slightly amazed that I'm still going strong. The temptations come either when I'm stressed and want distraction, or when I'm bored (and want distraction). Both happen easily at work, and I'm working from home so it's easy for the porn to be out of sight of anyone else. So I've been making a point of having alternatives when those times come: some YouTube gaming channels that I watch, or homesteading channels, or playing a few minutes of Super Mario Bros on an emulator. There is nothing else that has as much draw as porn, but other things can fill the need of the moment and pretty soon the temptation will pass.

 

[Percival]

It was only last Wednesday that I was sitting right here, looking for girls and seeing how much I could see even with safe search forced. It feels like it's been much longer. I look back and think that those pictures and gifs were nice to see, but I don't have any desire to look at them again. If I keep thinking about them the desire will grow---it's not like it's completely gone---but neither is it much of a temptation.

One day at a time. If I see a lovely woman today, I'll remind myself that God created her to be beautiful, and move on.

 

[Percival]

Friday went well. Saturday and Sunday were very busy and I hardly had time to be at a computer (or use my phone, for that matter). Pretty good so far today (but it's early...). Usually my wife and I make time for just us on Sunday afternoon, but I took some of the kids on a youth group canoe trip instead and there was no time. And then the youngest 2 wanted to sleep with us last night, so no sex last night either.

All of which means that a) it's been a while and porn will be tempting and b) even once we are able to make time for sex, it's been long enough now that chaser-effect porn will also be tempting. I wish the sex-drive wasn't so strong and so easily self-destructive.

Well, it is what it is and I need to be very aware of what could happen.

 

[Percival]

No girls yesterday. It really wasn't even a temptation; it's really nice to be back at this stage where porn isn't a constant temptation. Still, I used to wonder why an alcoholic who hadn't had a drink in 20 years would still describe himself as recovering. Now I know; the slippery slope is always there.

My wife and I had time together last night. Then we got into a silly tiff right before bed, and I was afraid today was going to be very hard, but we made up and had time to be together after all. Chaser effect is still possible today.

 

[Percival]

Didn't look at girls yesterday, although I was mildly tempted. But it was mild because I'm out of the habit. The habit reinforces the temptation tremendously: want to look -> look. Without the habit, it's much easier to think logically about how even a little peeking will lead to more and worse. So having said no, it's easier to keep saying no.

 

[GBS]

Loving your logic. When your intuition kicks in, your brain is switching and two neural pathways are battling it out for supremacy. The more you’re aware of the neurology the easier it is to say F**k you pornography and all that goes with you.

 

[Percival]

Yesterday went well. Probably helps that I am now working 100% from home; my previous job was with a university, and during/after the pandemic I was working 4 days remote and 1 day on. Even that 1 day could be hard, because college-age girls are beautiful and often don't wear a lot when the weather is warm.

My wife and I had time together last night---twice in one week!---which is good because she and the kids are leaving for a few days today while I stay home to work and take care of the farm animals. Lots of potential for temptation; on the other hand, I have a big woodworking project to do after work, all weekend. So I should have enough to keep me busy and away from temptation.

 

[Percival]

No looking at girls today. When I see a picture or video or gif, remind myself that God made them in His image, to be admired, not lusted after.

 

[Percival]

Did pretty good; stayed busy all weekend and never thought much about looking at girls. I've been here before too, and it's a good place to be. I have to be mindful that it's easy to conclude it's not a temptation any more, so a brief look at something sexy-but-innocent won't hurt. But while that might be true for a person who's never had a porn addiction, it's not for me. Even a brief (intentional) look will eventually lead me back down into the pit.

 

[Percival]

Good day yesterday and didn't seek out girls. Sometimes I get bored in the afternoon and start trawling the front page of Reddit for something interesting, and I opened a post about some famous woman. It was marked NSFW and it was, so I should've known better. But I didn't linger and I didn't look at any more. But looking at Reddit when bored is dangerous so I'd better plan to do something else when I get bored today.

 

[Percival]

Got a online catalog from an outdoor supplier yesterday, announcing the fall ladies' collection, with a fetching (fully-clothed) model. I checked it out; of course, outdoor suppliers don't carry anything very sexy, but still, it would have been better not to click on it.

Otherwise, porn wasn't a temptation. I'm sort of on edge, waiting for when I'm going to fall back into it, because that's happened so many times before. Hard to be optimistic when you've failed yourself so often. Trying not to worry about how many days it's been, or how many it will be. Best just to focus on looking at positive things today that won't lead to porn.