The clean journey

[Percival]

Last week was pretty difficult: I spent a lot of time looking at girls. Towards the end, I realized something new: usually when I start bingeing, after a while I get a strong repulsion reaction and it breaks the cycle. That never happened and I wondered why, then realized it was because I'd set up filters and blocks so that, while I did search for and look at girls, almost all of them were only mildly sexy and only a few actually porny things got through.

So I'm actually counting it a victory. Not that I looked---I wish I had not---but that past me set up enough obstacles that present, weak me didn't get to see much. And present me didn't go to the effort to get around the blocks.

With the weekend, I had enough time away that the temptation is pretty low today. I hope and plan to build on that for this week.

 

[Percival]

The last few weeks have been very hard: I work from home, and that leaves a lot of opportunity to look at girls when no one is watching me. Work has been slow and rather boring lately and I've tried to fill it with games and podcasts, but the fact is that there is nothing at all as fascinating as sexy women. It finally occurred to me yesterday that if work is slow, then it is up to me to fill the down time with productive work, like setting myself learning projects and doing them. And, of course, if I fill the time productively there is less time for porn.

So when I get bored today I will set myself some work goals and use that downtime to become better at my job, instead of wasting it looking at girls.

 

[Percival]

Not perfect yesterday, but better. Work was much busier and that left much less time for temptation, of course, but I also did better at redirecting myself, and reminding myself that I'd done well for X hours and that I shouldn't spoil the streak now.

 

[Percival]

Last week started out poorly and then slowly got better. I have most sites blocked, but with enough persistence something can be found that isn't, and I found a site celebrating the clothes-free lifestyle. Even after I blocked that I still kept doing brief searches for things. Then at the end of the day Friday I started reading a Reddit post where IT guys were talking about employees that they had busted for looking at porn on company time, and wondering why on earth they'd do such a thing.

I know why, of course. They can't help it. And I don't want to be that guy. I don't look on company equipment, but it's still on company time. And it has to stop.

The positive is that---with one brief now-blocked exception---the things I looked at were not porn, even though many of the women were naked.

 

[Percival]

Yesterday went really, really well. I didn't look once, at even the most "innocent" of sexy girls.

It's unfortunate that you don't feel as good about doing things right, as you feel guilty about doing it wrong. But I feel normal, like this is how I'm supposed to feel. Now comes the second part of the challenge, sometimes the harder part: keeping on. The motivation will fade as I forget how bad the guilt feels afterwards, and I'll forget to be vigilant. So I'm planning now how to keep going even then.

 

[Percival]

No sexy girls yesterday either. I say "sexy girls" instead of "porn" because that's really the temptation for me: I only escalate to "real porn" after spending too much time looking at half-naked women, until I need more. And then I tend to excuse myself because it wasn't really porn. Anyway, that makes 4 days in a row.

I can feel the temptation growing, or perhaps just the revulsion fading. Which is why I'm posting here more often: changing default behavior requires a lot of intentional work. But to end on a positive note: whenever I had downtime yesterday I was watching a documentary on D-Day and I enjoyed that far more than anything sexy, even if it's not as immediately exciting.

 

[Androg]

No sexy girls yesterday either. I say "sexy girls" instead of "porn" because that's really the temptation for me: I only escalate to "real porn" after spending too much time looking at half-naked women, until I need more. And then I tend to excuse myself because it wasn't really porn. Anyway, that makes 4 days in a row.

I can feel the temptation growing, or perhaps just the revulsion fading. Which is why I'm posting here more often: changing default behavior requires a lot of intentional work. But to end on a positive note: whenever I had downtime yesterday I was watching a documentary on D-Day and I enjoyed that far more than anything sexy, even if it's not as immediately exciting.

Sometimes it helps to read recovery stories as a way of reminding yourself of the reality. Your brain on porn.com has thousands of these.

 

[Percival]

Thanks, Androg. Yes, reading recovery stories helps. So does reading about the experiences of porn actors: with a very few exceptions, they (both the men and the women) say it was an awful experience physically and mentally. I've never paid for porn so I can justify to myself that I didn't really support the industry, but all those free clicks drive revenue too: indirectly, but they do.

Yesterday was another good day. I used to have great difficulty during work meetings when I got bored: looking at girls (remotely, on my own computer) took very little attention and easily satisfied that boredom. But I also knew that sooner or later I'd have to share my screen and accidentally show the wrong one. Anyway, I've been able to stop that.

I think I've broken the compulsion. The long-term challenge now is to keep it from re-growing. I've been here before and I know that it starts quietly and (almost) innocently. But always, always, always, without fail, it'll end with me spending hours looking at porn, even if that end takes days or weeks or months to reach.

 

[Androg]

Thanks, Androg. Yes, reading recovery stories helps. So does reading about the experiences of porn actors: with a very few exceptions, they (both the men and the women) say it was an awful experience physically and mentally. I've never paid for porn so I can justify to myself that I didn't really support the industry, but all those free clicks drive revenue too: indirectly, but they do.

Yesterday was another good day. I used to have great difficulty during work meetings when I got bored: looking at girls (remotely, on my own computer) took very little attention and easily satisfied that boredom. But I also knew that sooner or later I'd have to share my screen and accidentally show the wrong one. Anyway, I've been able to stop that.

I think I've broken the compulsion. The long-term challenge now is to keep it from re-growing. I've been here before and I know that it starts quietly and (almost) innocently. But always, always, always, without fail, it'll end with me spending hours looking at porn, even if that end takes days or weeks or months to reach.

Words have power. So don’t make those predictions for yourself!

 

[Percival]

Last Friday I wasted a lot of time looking at nudes, and ended the day with some serious thinking about what I had to do. It's easy to say that you just have to choose to say no, but it's quite true. Only you have to choose to say no, and follow through with actions to support the decision. Which is why I'm posting here every morning.

Yesterday was a good day, and my wife and I managed some time together last night. The chaser effect is a thing and I can't let down my guard today.

 

[Percival]

A good weekend: even encountered some sexy pictures at a blog I frequent. I admired them and then minimized them so they wouldn't distract me, and didn't even consider going to look up more. This morning I went to a college campus for a certification exam; my eyes noticed a girl in very short shorts, but I didn't think about looking up more of those kind of pictures, either.

As I said a few days ago, the shame is wearing off and so is the revulsion. Which is how it should be, and is good, but it'll take a little more effort and intentionality to keep this up now.

 

[Androg]

Excellent. Habits formed when stress is less will serve you well in moments of stress.

 

[Percival]

There's nothing objectionable in my search history from yesterday: I could show it to my kids, my wife, my preacher, and feel no shame.

I still wish there was as much "reverse-thrill" to not looking as there is from looking, but knowing I'm not hiding anything is a pretty good feeling.

 

[Blondie]

I still wish there was as much "reverse-thrill" to not looking as there is from looking, but knowing I'm not hiding anything is a pretty good feeling.

Hey @Percival, I get this. It took me a while to get use to the fact that there is nothing out there that will give me that high as porn does. But as the months go on, and your mind starts to level out, this becomes a good thing, a great thing even, because then the normal things in live become more special, like drinking my coffee right now.

Best

 

[Percival]

@Blondie: thanks. Yes, normal thrills become better as the porn-high fades. Even admiring my wife when she walks by (fully clothed!) gets better.

Saw a link to very old National Geographics yesterday and followed it. Because I wanted to see if they had topless tribeswomen way back then. And they did, and it wasn't very interesting. I shouldn't have, though.

But I didn't look at anything else sexy yesterday.

 

[Percival]

I looked at good things yesterday. I've especially come a long ways at what I do during virtual meetings. It is easy to get bored during the parts of a meeting that don't directly concern me, but I can't usually focus enough to do something productive. Looking at sexy girls fits the need very well, but I always worried that I might have to share my screen and accidentally share the wrong one. Anyway, I'm working on being more engaged in those meetings (probably a good thing in itself) and am not really tempted to look at girls any more.

It always amazes me how quickly the compulsion fades if I can stop looking for about a week. The temptation never goes away, but the compulsion does.

 

[Percival]

I looked at good things yesterday. I listen to music on YT while at work: it's often tempting to choose some sexy girl musician to listen to (and incidentally, to watch), and I thought about it this morning and then---chose a different playlist.

 

[Percival]

Still going well. I was strongly tempted a couple of times yesterday, but I was able to intentionally think about the idea and decide that looking at [whatever] wasn't going to be useful or would lead me into more temptation, so I didn't. This is the time when it's easy to peek because it seems like just a little won't hurt. But I know it does.

 

[Leonidas]

Percival: I notice that much of your posts centre around the temptation or avoidance of peeking at nudes / sexy images, etc. While keeping a record of your progress on that front is good, what if you were to add a layer of something else, such as an activity you like doing, and measure its progress in tandem?

I hope this didn't come off the wrong way. It's just that through the years I spent reading posts on this or other similar forums, the common thread that seems to emerge from those who successfully quit the addiction and move on are those who seriously dug into an activity or project. For example, some people ended up picking a new sport and became very good at it... others started a new business (!!), and yet others reoriented their careers in a new direction, etc. These examples sound grandiose... but I believe that starting out small might actually be the best approach... and then in time decide whether to fully commit to it or try again with something new.

 

[Androg]

Still going well. I was strongly tempted a couple of times yesterday, but I was able to intentionally think about the idea and decide that looking at [whatever] wasn't going to be useful or would lead me into more temptation, so I didn't. This is the time when it's easy to peek because it seems like just a little won't hurt. But I know it does.

My sense is that analyzing your lust may just keep you focused on the wrong things for progress. The purpose of suggesting the book was to help you take control of wiring your brain the way you want it to be.