The clean journey
- Thread starter Percival
- Start date
Percival
Active Member
Yesterday went ok, although I did start to wander a couple of times. I was setting up a secondary computer to use for all non-work business when I'm working from home, as I try to keep personal stuff off of work computers as much as possible (though it's not completely possible). But, of course, it can be used for decidedly non-work searches too and I may have to reconsider that. Or it's just another way I need to be disciplined: can't go through all of life afraid of being tempted.
Percival
Active Member
The schedule of life has been so incredibly full lately that my wife and I barely have time to say hi to each other, and when we do, it's to share news on some issue with one of the kids. Really hard to find any time to actually enjoy being married, which we both thoroughly regret. On the other hand, there's hardly any time or opportunity to seek out porn as an alternative, although I have been peeking around the edges at times. This is a reminder to myself to be aware that the temptation is there and getting stronger, but porn won't help.
Percival
Active Member
Life has been overwhelming lately, mostly due to stress created by my oldest daughter, who is being a teenager. I'm very tired of her drama, and all the extra stress is prompting me to turn to porn as a numbing drug, and I have been. There are time that I want to be clean, and some times---like now---when it's hard to care and easier to just give in.
So I'm posting. Sometimes you just have to keep plodding along, one foot in front of the other.
So I'm posting. Sometimes you just have to keep plodding along, one foot in front of the other.
Percival
Active Member
Doing fairly well lately, but sometimes I cheat. It's hard to be resolute, all the time. Sometimes I forget and sometimes I don't forget but don't want to stop and think about what I should do versus what I want to do. Working on building up good habits in place of the bad ones.
Percival
Active Member
Started to look yesterday and killed the tab after just a few images. And did not revisit although I thought seriously about it last night (and didn't, because I'd have to admit to it here).
Working from home today. Reminding myself that the easiest way is to not start in the first place.
Working from home today. Reminding myself that the easiest way is to not start in the first place.
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
Well done for catching yourself and being accountable. There have been a few times when I've been tempted and the thought of having to write it here has saved me too.
Percival
Active Member
Friday and the weekend went pretty well, not least because there's very little opportunity on Saturday and Sunday. But I have to admit to looking, briefly, last night at actual porn. On the plus side, after a very few minutes I said to myself, "This is stupid!" and closed it down.
Percival
Active Member
Yesterday went well. Thought about it a couple of times and each time said, "Nah". It's easier to say no once it's been a while. Though I also know, from long experience, that it becomes easier to say yes when a strong temptation does come, because the temptation usually isn't to porn per se, but to something fairly innocent and it's easy to give in because it's not that bad. It helps, a little, to remind myself that giving in to a little today will inevitably lead to giving in to a lot tomorrow or the next day.
Percival
Active Member
Another good day yesterday. Today it's barely mid-morning and my tail is dragging after a couple of short nights. Which therefore means my energy and willpower is low, so I'd better post here before I start doing searches I'll regret later. It's helpful that I'm working on-site today where it's hard to hide what I'm looking at (although that's also why the night was short).
Percival
Active Member
My libido is low right now, which makes things easier, but weirdly it kind of spikes sometimes. Like I don't feel the need, but then I see a girl in short shorts or something. And no sex since Sunday. We'd both like it more than that but it's amazingly hard to find time, especially since she works nights two or three nights a week and one kid still likes to sleep in bed with us (and is old enough to notice if the bed is shaking).
Anyway, I mostly did well yesterday. Only once did I look something up, and when I escalated it, I got a NSFW warning and let that stop me without looking further. So that's all good.
Anyway, I mostly did well yesterday. Only once did I look something up, and when I escalated it, I got a NSFW warning and let that stop me without looking further. So that's all good.
Percival
Active Member
WFH day, so I didn't have to get up so early and more sleep means more willpower. I can feel the temptation kind of hovering in the background and I keep reminding myself that it will remain a low-key temptation IF I don't start giving in. It's after I start feeding it when the temptation becomes big and overwhelming.
Percival
Active Member
Almost a whole week of no porn and very little of anything even close. Been a while since I could say that, and if when I make it to the end of the day, it'll be a whole week. That's not something I can brag about anywhere but here, but still.
One big project at church is done now, so that should help my general stress level. Less stress means less need for numbing, though on the other hand more energy could mean a higher libido. Anyway, I like not feeling enslaved to thoughts of sexyness.
One big project at church is done now, so that should help my general stress level. Less stress means less need for numbing, though on the other hand more energy could mean a higher libido. Anyway, I like not feeling enslaved to thoughts of sexyness.
Percival
Active Member
Tuesday was a rough day: took a certification exam in the morning which was a disaster. Took 40+ minutes just to login and I didn't score very well once I was able to take it. And then the repair shop took all day to do a simple oil change and we had to pick the car up late. But with all that stress I thought I did very well to not start looking at girls.
Wednesday and Thursday were not so stressful, and once or twice I did start to look at girls, and then killed the tab before it even loaded. When it's been a while, it's easier for my wiser self to regain control, and I don't want to lose that advantage.
Wednesday and Thursday were not so stressful, and once or twice I did start to look at girls, and then killed the tab before it even loaded. When it's been a while, it's easier for my wiser self to regain control, and I don't want to lose that advantage.
Percival
Active Member
I don't think it really even occurred to me yesterday to look, even after I encountered a moderately cute girl in a sundress coming out of the grocery store. I'm so used to constantly fighting temptation that it's strange to think that I enjoyed seeing her, and then went on with life and got back in the car and drove home. No stopping to get out my phone and look up more pictures, and not even more than a passing thought that I could.
No doubt there will be strong temptations again, but I can remember that I don't have to be dominated by them.
No doubt there will be strong temptations again, but I can remember that I don't have to be dominated by them.
Percival
Active Member
No porn over the weekend, and no real temptation except some time scrolling FB on Sunday morning. The algorithm serves up more of what you've shown you like, and my lizard brain likes to cheat by appreciating the suggestions but not, you know, actually searching for them. So next challenge is to not let myself do that. Still, I'm pretty happy with where I'm at right now.