The clean journey
- Thread starter Percival
- Start date
Percival
Active Member
Good weekend, where I worked hard, spent time with my kids and wife, and didn't look at porn. Somehow it is easier, this time around, to be mindful that it's easy to think a little innocent looking is okay. Somehow this time it is easier to remember that the downhill slide always starts that way and always ends in guilt and regret.
Percival
Active Member
Yesterday was a busy day with not much time for temptation anyway. This morning I found a YT channel of a female pianist...then thought about it (her) a little more and switched to a different musician who dresses more modestly. Intentionally protecting myself (from myself).
Percival
Active Member
Good day. Work is busier so less down time, and my wife and I got time together last night.
On the other hand, she and the kids are leaving today for a couple of days at an extended-family camping event; I'll stay home to mind the farm animals. In the not-distant past that would be a lot of opportunity for temptation; I'm not too worried, but plan to post here every morning (at least) anyway.
On the other hand, she and the kids are leaving today for a couple of days at an extended-family camping event; I'll stay home to mind the farm animals. In the not-distant past that would be a lot of opportunity for temptation; I'm not too worried, but plan to post here every morning (at least) anyway.
Percival
Active Member
No porn on Saturday, no porn on Sunday. None today (yet), either. I thought about looking, more than a few times, and even scrolled through FB, not looking for but knowing I'd probably see something sexy. Then I did something I haven't before: whenever something sexy was suggested, I clicked the option to hide it in the future.
So I'm happy with how the weekend went. I used the time well and didn't look at porn.
So I'm happy with how the weekend went. I used the time well and didn't look at porn.
Percival
Active Member
Thanks @chap!
Still going well. The electricity went out for a couple of hours the other night and we were both awake for a while, so I suggested sex. She wasn't up for it. Disappointing to me, of course, but I haven't turned to porn instead. I've done that enough to know that it won't alternatively fill the need and will just make me more disappointed afterwards.
Still going well. The electricity went out for a couple of hours the other night and we were both awake for a while, so I suggested sex. She wasn't up for it. Disappointing to me, of course, but I haven't turned to porn instead. I've done that enough to know that it won't alternatively fill the need and will just make me more disappointed afterwards.
chap
Active Member
glad to hear all of this @Percival ! i can somehow relate to this bc i just had a situation where i asked my SO if she would mind if i MO’d to thoughts of her and subsequently perhaps pictures of her if she would care to supply them. she did mind and said she felt “weird” about it all and left me feeling disappointed and anxious frankly. i don’t want to scare her off w my demands, but neither do i want to feel like i can’t even imagine doing hot things with/to her.
i will not turn to porn either, i don’t want it for myself and know that my real connection w my lady is better than the fabrication on the screen. but how do i deal w the temporary disappointment. had there been a time in ur relationship w ur wife, where she wasn’t cool w u MOing to thoughts or even pictures of her?
should i feel bad for wanting her to be okay w me MOing to thoughts and potentially pictures of her when she isn’t around? i think that in the grand scheme of things, this is a good thing to experience bc this is perhaps a subconscious ulterior way of practicing my old porn-entrenched way…
i will not turn to porn either, i don’t want it for myself and know that my real connection w my lady is better than the fabrication on the screen. but how do i deal w the temporary disappointment. had there been a time in ur relationship w ur wife, where she wasn’t cool w u MOing to thoughts or even pictures of her?
should i feel bad for wanting her to be okay w me MOing to thoughts and potentially pictures of her when she isn’t around? i think that in the grand scheme of things, this is a good thing to experience bc this is perhaps a subconscious ulterior way of practicing my old porn-entrenched way…
Percival
Active Member
@ chap: I don't think I've ever asked her---I'm pretty sure she'd rather me think about her than anyone else. But I can see why your SO would hesitate: it's just an odd question when asked point-blank to say "yes" or "no".
I would say that the way to deal with temporary disappointments is to know that it is just that, temporary. I don't think you should feel bad about it, but you should respect her wishes.
I would say that the way to deal with temporary disappointments is to know that it is just that, temporary. I don't think you should feel bad about it, but you should respect her wishes.
chap
Active Member
thanks for the promptness, @Percival ! i appreciate it. yk, that's what i initially believed she would of thought also, instead she told me that she assumed that i had already been doing that stuff, but would've never known for sure if i never told her, and subsequently asked, "how do i know that u won't do it even after this conversation and just never tell me?" which is a reasonable question to ask.
ultimately, i told her everything bc i wanted to be honest and upfront w her about myself and that i really will do my absolute best to respect her wishes. she matters so much more to me than these random occasions where i may slip and MO in private.
and agreed, she didn't quite take it the way i had hoped or expected. but after sleeping, i feel better and realize that it really is only something temporary and that now this is an open discussion, things may perhaps change in the future after more deliberation. perhaps not, which i will continue to learn to tolerate and manage my urges. definitely a conversation that i feel like i want to revisit in the future. thanks!
ultimately, i told her everything bc i wanted to be honest and upfront w her about myself and that i really will do my absolute best to respect her wishes. she matters so much more to me than these random occasions where i may slip and MO in private.
and agreed, she didn't quite take it the way i had hoped or expected. but after sleeping, i feel better and realize that it really is only something temporary and that now this is an open discussion, things may perhaps change in the future after more deliberation. perhaps not, which i will continue to learn to tolerate and manage my urges. definitely a conversation that i feel like i want to revisit in the future. thanks!
Percival
Active Member
@chap one of the things that's hard for us to understand is that our SOs are people with problems/issues/insecurities etc., who can't read minds, just like us. I think it's really good that you are trying to understand her and wanting to be upfront and honest with her.
My wife and I usually get time together on Sunday, and may or may not have any more the rest of the week. It's interesting and frustrating to observe my predictable behavior over the week, which is that I'm not very tempted early in the week and am progressively more tempted as the week go on. By the end of the week I'm actively watching for attractive women as I drive to and from work. Which is okay, I think, as long as I don't let it go beyond that, and keep in the front of my brain that looking for/at porn won't help.
My wife and I usually get time together on Sunday, and may or may not have any more the rest of the week. It's interesting and frustrating to observe my predictable behavior over the week, which is that I'm not very tempted early in the week and am progressively more tempted as the week go on. By the end of the week I'm actively watching for attractive women as I drive to and from work. Which is okay, I think, as long as I don't let it go beyond that, and keep in the front of my brain that looking for/at porn won't help.
Percival
Active Member
@chap thanks for checking on me. Weekend went pretty good: wife and kids were gone again, to a family wedding, and I had to stay home to mind the farm. I got on FB a couple of times and I know that was mostly to find some suggested suggestive posts. I wish I hadn't done that, but on the other hand it was only a few months ago that I was actively looking for those posts---that's why the algorithm is presenting them---and now I'm making a point of hiding them when they show up (I self-sabotage by clicking on some of them too, but it's still a big improvement).
In general things are going pretty well. Went back and checked through my journals and it looks like I've been clean for about six weeks now: seems like longer. Been a long time since I've gone that long. I think part of the reason for that is more awareness of the small slipups that lead back to porn, things like when I listen to YT music at work, don't build a playlist of pretty girls playing piano. Kind of dumb that a) something like that would lead to porn and b) that I would think it wouldn't.
In general things are going pretty well. Went back and checked through my journals and it looks like I've been clean for about six weeks now: seems like longer. Been a long time since I've gone that long. I think part of the reason for that is more awareness of the small slipups that lead back to porn, things like when I listen to YT music at work, don't build a playlist of pretty girls playing piano. Kind of dumb that a) something like that would lead to porn and b) that I would think it wouldn't.