The clean journey

Percival

Active Member
Good day yesterday. Reading a thread that was not about sexy things at all, someone posted a very revealing bikini photo, of someone who almost certainly has more out there, and probably nudes too. Thought about it, but chose not to look for any more, and just went on my way.
 
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Percival

Active Member
It's been going pretty well; too busy to post here, which is good. Not thinking about porn or sexy girls much, but on the other hand I was doing some peeking yesterday. This is the stage where it's hard to stay committed because willpower has faded and I don't care that much any more, and the temptation is natural, just to sexy women, not to repulsed-afterwards porn. So it's hard to remember, in the moment, that seeking anything sexy out will eventually lead me right back down.

No sexy pictures of any kind today. Which means I need to actively seek out other things when the temptation comes.
 

Percival

Active Member
Yesterday afternoon wasn't easy; three or four times I typed in search terms and then hesitated before hitting the Return key. And didn't, because I didn't want to have to admit to it here, this morning. You might say the enemy assaulted the castle and was stopped on the very top of the battlements. Still, it counts as a victory.
 

Percival

Active Member
Yesterday I looked at a lot of things I shouldn't have. Felt terrible about it by the end of the day. And yet...I'd like to start to start looking again today. I decided last night that it doesn't matter how long I go without porn this time: a day, a week, a month, or even just an hour. All that matters is that I never give up on trying. So, here goes again.
 

Percival

Active Member
Better day yesterday; didn't look at porn or even think about it. Admired some girls but no more.

Today is today, and I have more important things to focus on than pretty girls.
 

Percival

Active Member
Not bad yesterday, though I see in my history some searches I wish I hadn't done, things that weren't porn but were more hurtful than helpful.
 

Percival

Active Member
I don't clear my browser history any more, and I review it in the morning to see if there's anything in it that I'd be ashamed to show anyone else. Sometimes there's nothing, but usually there's a few that are a little embarrassing. It would probably help me to post here more often, maybe right after lunch, so that I have more than one check-up during the day.
 

Percival

Active Member
Friday went well and I almost looked at nothing that would raise an eyebrow. Saturday I was just too busy to even think about porn. The thought crossed my mind a few times over the weekend, mostly late at night, but usually my phone's battery died before I could do anything, or I just decided that looking wasn't helpful. I should get back into the habit of putting it away when I get home; I don't really need it with me all the time once the day is over.
 

Percival

Active Member
Yesterday went poorly. I started looking at a little, and that led to looking at more. I need more wholesome things to do and look at briefly during the day when I need a quick distraction. There's nothing else that is quite as distracting, but I forget about the other things that I could do or look at instead. But I feel better at the end of the day.
 

Percival

Active Member
Better yesterday: looked at little or none, and found something else when I needed distracting. Gotta keep doing that everyday.
 

Percival

Active Member
The last three days have been rough, and I've spent a lot of time looking, and looking away, and then looking again. Once the habit is broken the pull isn't very strong, but once you start it again the habit becomes very hard to break.

I guess the positive is that, despite all that, I never started actually looking at porn. They were models, and many were nude, but I didn't go to porn sites. That's not something to be proud of, exactly, but it's less of a fall than it used to be, so it's positive progress of a sort.
 

Percival

Active Member
I posted this to my private journal yesterday:

The pattern is pretty clear:
Sunday: sex
Monday: either I want more, so I look at porn, or I'm satisfied and don't
Tuesday: I'm interested, but don't really feel the need, but often I look anyway out of habit
Wednesday: I want sex and start looking because mildly sexy girls aren't really porn
Thursday: I really want sex and start searching for whatever not-quite-porn I can find
Friday: I still want sex but I'm tired of looking at porn
Saturday: Too busy working to look at girls
Morning: Don't look, or don't look much
Afternoon: bored so I look a lot

It's kind of amazing that the pattern is so consistent and yet, by the middle of the day, I'm easily tempted. It's like I'm defending a castle and half the people want to let the orcs in. I did okay yesterday, but I want to better than just "not look very much".
 

Percival

Active Member
Yesterday went well. Amazing how just posting here and having that bit of accountability changes your perspective and I hardly even thought about looking at girls.

The temptation will come again, sooner or later, with strength, so I want to use this "down" time to build up other things to do/think about when I am tempted.
 

Percival

Active Member
Long weekend: drove the kids to a Christian event about 500 miles away. Uplifiting to all of us, I think. However, there was one night that I couldn't sleep. I was trying to listen to some Harry Potter audiobooks on YT, but the temptation was strong to find some sexy channels instead, and I spent some time watching them. Sometimes when I haven't looked in a while, the temptation becomes stronger because a) I've forgotten (even in just a couple of days) how disgusted I feel afterwards and b) there's fresh content that I haven't seen yet.

None yesterday, though. Back to work today so the usual work-time temptations will apply.
 

Percival

Active Member
I looked at some actual porn a few days ago when I was awake too early, by myself with my phone, which is a bad idea. I am trying to look for the positive whenever I have a backwards step and not just beat myself up: the positive is that it's been a long time since I did that. More usually my slipup is looking for things that aren't quite porn.

I've been working more on finding things to do when I get bored, besides look at girls. So far nothing else is quite as interesting, but I started listening to the Great Books lectures from Hillsdale College. Great Books aren't as exciting as half-naked girls either, but I can get interested and they certainly don't accidentally lead to temptation. If the mind is occupied with other ideas, temptation really is much less.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Fundementally what works for me is to recognize my achievements and reward myself for them.
So everything I do I try to acknowledge myself after doing, the benefits my efforts have done for me and build a healthy cycle that promotes these activities.

So it's not just doing these things but also taking the time to reflect and recognize them.
 

Percival

Active Member
The last two days have been neither really good nor really bad.

On the positive, I was up in the middle of the night just last night and didn't spend any of it looking at girls. Did some reading and watched a show about WW1 aviation.
 
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