[Español/English] if I had invested my time in music.. (My Journal)

Chubakeane

Member
Muchas veces siento que podria escribir un libro entero ya que mi problema con esta adiccion (silenciosa, solitaria y oscura adiccion) viene desde hace años y ha pasado por diferentes matices e intensidades.. Desde dudar de mi sexualidad y sentirme avergonzado por eso (hoy estoy seguro que soy bisexual) hasta caer en los videos mas raros (como el scat) todo en pos de "aumentar la dosis"

Hoy tuve otra recaida que voy a tomar como una despedida (mi maldito bloqueador de porno por alguna razon fallo hoy)
Voy a iniciar mi dia 0 presentandome para luego ir desarollando mi vida, aunque voy a enfocarme en mis ultimos años para resumir

Tengo 28 años, vivo con mi esposa y estamos haciendo un tratamiento para tener un embarazo, (deseo un buen padre y debo superar esto!)

Ultimamente miraba porno todos los dias, mas de una vez al dia. Desde siempre tuve una fuerte ambicion hacia las bbw en lo que eran las categorías heteros (ambición que tambien tengo en las calles mirando siempre fijamente a chicas gordas o con grandes curvas que me cruzaba, dios me siento tan culpable por ello) y en las categorias gays que se fue intensificando con el tiempo y en la cual cai por sentir que el porno hetero ya no me exitaba con facilidad y necesitaba esa dosis "mas fuerte y extraña"


[Leer con precaución, esto que voy a contar son practicas muy peligrosas que pueden afectar la salud]


Aqui la parte mas peligrosa de mi adiccion: empeze a sentir que no alcanzaba solo con masturbarme y comenze una vieja practica que ya habia experimentado cuando estaba soltero: usar dildos caseros (verduras, envases cilindricos, palos etc)
De a poco esto fue creciendo: cuando estaba solo en mi casa solia ponerme ropa intima de mi esposa, llevarme un espejo grande al baño y comenzar alli ese ritual que terminaba en correrme en mi propia cara y despues una sensacion de vacio y verguenza inexplicable.. Asi y todo cada vez que sabia que iba a estar solo en mi casa me invadia una ansiedad terrible para volver a hacer esas practicas, que insisto, son muy peligrosas y han llegado a lastimarme levemente. Incluso las he hecho mientras me bañaba o mientras mi esposa dormia.


Obviamente he tenido DE en reiteradas oportunidades, me ha salvado el hecho de que no tenemos relaciones muy seguido y pude excusarme diciendo "hoy estoy cansado"

A la vez pienso que no estar soltero muchaa veces me salvo de no cometer otros actos mas arriesgados como contactar alguna shemale. Cosa que ciertamente me tentaba mucho

Tambien pienso que de haber invertido el tiempo en la música y en mi piano que es mi pasion, en vez de en el porno hoy seria un misico excelente


Bien voy a dejar esto por ahora esperando mañana contar que estoy limpio, pido disculpas por lo extenso de este relato y me gustaria mucho leerlos a todos..

Muchas gracias de verdad!



ENGLISH


sometimes i think can write a book, cause my problem with this addiction (silent, dark and solitary addition) occurs a long time along and occurs on different ways and intensities ranging from have doubt about my sexuality to fall in rares videos like the scat as a form to "aument the dose" (aniway now im sure to im bisex)

Today i had a relapse again, but i want take this like a "last time and goodbye" (my fuc**ing porn blocker for some reason has failed today)

i will beging my 0 day introducing myself and after will below developed my life history. although now Im going to tell you about my last period.

well, i'm 28 years old, live with my wife, and we are doing a medical treatment to can be pregnant (i wanna be a great father, and i will had to can get over this!)

Lately I was watching a lot of porn every day, more than once a day. I have always been very obsessed with bbw in the straight porn categories (many times I took that obsession away from home and compulsively saw fat women on the street... God I feel so guilty) I later fell into the gay categories because straight porn didn't excite me as much anymore and beging to need aument the dose.



[Trigger warning! Read carefully, what I am going to tell you are very dangerous practices that can affect your health]


Here is the most dangerous part of my addiction: I began to feel that DMO was not enough and I started an old practice that I had already experienced when I was single: using homemade dildos (vegetables, cylindrical containers, sticks, etc.) Little by little this grew: when I was alone in my house I used to put on my wife's underwear, take a large mirror to the bathroom and start that ritual there that ended up cumming on my own face and then a feeling of emptiness and inexplicable shame. Even so, every time I knew that I was going to be alone in my house, I was invaded by a terrible anxiety to do those practices again, which I insist, are very dangerous and have even hurt me slightly. I have even made them while taking a shower or while my wife was sleeping.

Obviously I have had ED on several occasions, the fact that we don't have sex very often has saved me and I was able to excuse myself by saying "I'm tired today"


At the same time I think that not being single often saves me from committing other more risky acts such as contacting a shemale. Something that certainly tempted me a lot I
also think that if I had invested time in music and my piano, which is my passion, instead of porn, today I would be an excellent musician. Well, I am going to leave this for now, waiting tomorrow to tell you that I am clean, I apologize for the length of this story and I would very much like to read them all..


Thank you very much really!
 
Bro, the worst thing to do right now is giving up, let me tell you a bit of my story, I saw porn at a very young age ( maybe 8 or so) but it looks wierd to me at that time, but about a year later ( when puberty started and being a young naive boy) I saw this porn again from my careless uncle's phone, but this time it looks satisfying and I'm having this feelings that feels like heaven( this is how I got introduced to porn and since then my life never remain the same)

Can you believe I have been PMOing without knowing the meaning of masturbating or what is the meaning of sexual intercourse ( and I grew up in a household where sex education is not talked about)
Right now being 19 years old, the mess it had caused in my life, if I start to read a page, like the story you wrote above, my head will begin to feel like it's about to split into two, I can't read more than a page, ( I'm a university student who have done his first semester exams and I'm not proud of what I did in that exams) I forget easily and suffering from stunted growth ( my younger siblings are all taller than me) I seems to be the shortest in my family and we tend to be tall ( both in my father and mother's side) I am having backache, I can't talk my my gender without being intimidated let alone the opposite gender, all of my hostel mates look at me in a wierd manner and I lock myself up

This is just a little of what I have experienced from PMO but guess what?
GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION, THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME OF ME TRYING TO STOP AND THE FIRST TIME ON THIS FORUM AND THIS TIME I'LL GONNA DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF MY
FUTURE(IM DEPENDENT ON MY PARENTS WHY MY ONE OF MY SIBLINGS 16 IS NOT)
SANITY( I PROCRASTINATE A LOT AND I HAVE LOST MOTIVATION BUT JUST READY FOR MASTURBATING 😞😞) AND OTHERS


THE LAST THING THAT SHOULD BE ON YOUR MIND IS GIVING UP BECAUSE I KNOW ITS HARD BUT DONT GIVE UP,



TODAY MARKS THE 3RD DAY OF NO PMO ( THE DAY IS NOT OVER SO ITS STILL 2.5 I GUESS)

 

Chubakeane

Member
Bro, the worst thing to do right now is giving up, let me tell you a bit of my story, I saw porn at a very young age ( maybe 8 or so) but it looks wierd to me at that time, but about a year later ( when puberty started and being a young naive boy) I saw this porn again from my careless uncle's phone, but this time it looks satisfying and I'm having this feelings that feels like heaven( this is how I got introduced to porn and since then my life never remain the same)

Can you believe I have been PMOing without knowing the meaning of masturbating or what is the meaning of sexual intercourse ( and I grew up in a household where sex education is not talked about)
Right now being 19 years old, the mess it had caused in my life, if I start to read a page, like the story you wrote above, my head will begin to feel like it's about to split into two, I can't read more than a page, ( I'm a university student who have done his first semester exams and I'm not proud of what I did in that exams) I forget easily and suffering from stunted growth ( my younger siblings are all taller than me) I seems to be the shortest in my family and we tend to be tall ( both in my father and mother's side) I am having backache, I can't talk my my gender without being intimidated let alone the opposite gender, all of my hostel mates look at me in a wierd manner and I lock myself up

This is just a little of what I have experienced from PMO but guess what?
GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION, THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME OF ME TRYING TO STOP AND THE FIRST TIME ON THIS FORUM AND THIS TIME I'LL GONNA DO IT FOR THE SAKE OF MY
FUTURE(IM DEPENDENT ON MY PARENTS WHY MY ONE OF MY SIBLINGS 16 IS NOT)
SANITY( I PROCRASTINATE A LOT AND I HAVE LOST MOTIVATION BUT JUST READY FOR MASTURBATING 😞😞) AND OTHERS


THE LAST THING THAT SHOULD BE ON YOUR MIND IS GIVING UP BECAUSE I KNOW ITS HARD BUT DONT GIVE UP,



TODAY MARKS THE 3RD DAY OF NO PMO ( THE DAY IS NOT OVER SO ITS STILL 2.5 I GUESS)
Hi brother, thanks for sharing your experience. Believe me that being able to start telling it is a lot. You can count on me and we have this anonymity as protection. That's why I'm encouraged to tell these intimate things I'll tell you: recently I was able to tell her the same thing that I wrote to a friend who luckily doesn't judge me, so I recommend it.. I suggest you look for "open mind" people, you know: people who are not homophobic, that sex is not something taboo, that is far from retrograde, structured thoughts, etc. On the other hand, let me tell you that you are very young and you have to take advantage of your energy and the fact that you have projects like studying! Hang on to that bro! I send you a hug, and we are in contact
 

Chubakeane

Member
DAY 1
It is quite difficult not to think about my reboot, much less about my impulses to PMO every time I go to the bathroom. Luckily yesterday I occupied my head a lot rehearsing with a jazz band in which I am hired and it was something that completely distanced me of dark sorrows.. Today in the morning I just stayed reading this forum so as not to play tricks on my porn blocker like I usually do a week ago and after work I had a good time with my wife and my cat. I was only a little tempted to see models on instagram, my great PSub... But I was able to focus on the fact that I don't want to go back to those things.

Dia 1
Es bastante dificil no pensar en mi reinicio, muchos menos en mis impulsos por el PMO cada vez que voy al baño.. Ayer por suerte ocupe mucho mi cabeza ensayando con una banda de jazz en la cual estoy contratado y fue algo que me alejo completamente de penaamientos oscuros.. Hoy por la mañana solo me quede leyendo este foro para no jugar a engañar a mi bloqueador porno como suelo hacer hace una semana y luego del trabajo pase buen tiempo con mi esposa y mi gato. Solo estuve un poco tentado por ver modelos en intagram, mi gran PSub.. Pero pude enfocarme en que no quiero volver a esas cosas
 
Hi brother, thanks for sharing your experience. Believe me that being able to start telling it is a lot. You can count on me and we have this anonymity as protection. That's why I'm encouraged to tell these intimate things I'll tell you: recently I was able to tell her the same thing that I wrote to a friend who luckily doesn't judge me, so I recommend it.. I suggest you look for "open mind" people, you know: people who are not homophobic, that sex is not something taboo, that is far from retrograde, structured thoughts, etc. On the other hand, let me tell you that you are very young and you have to take advantage of your energy and the fact that you have projects like studying! Hang on to that bro! I send you a hug, and we are in contact
Thanks for your advice, happy for you that you're ready to NOT give up and in regards to myself looking for who to talk to, I think I have none and I tend to be shy, that's one of the reasons why I prefer FORUMS(although it's my first time using a forum) and I hope it's gonna be a smooth journey.
 

Chubakeane

Member
Es muy dificil escribir un diario, incluso muchas veces dudo de que sea un metodo que a mi me funcione, pero que mas da? Esto se trata de probar todos los recursos, y aprovechar tambien para contaros que empiezo a notar ciertos avances en esta lucha contra la adiccion y quiero compartirlo con vosotros. Esto de sentir que se ven luces de la mañama filtrandose por la ventana de tu habitación viene siendo muy motivante.

En primer lugar luego de mi ultima recaida, fuerte recaida, de PMO 3 dias seguidos. Una recaida que tuvo que ver con dias malos y estresantes por diferentes motivos... Me di una ducha tibia y llore, llore mucho, me lamente tanto por sentir que me habia "derrotado" una vez mas, me desahogue de tal forma que siento que fue una purga.

Bien Despues de esto comencé a leer intensamente YBOP en mi trabajo.. En poco mas de una semana lo lei entero. Me propuse realizar mi Reboot y aqui estoy. Mi mayor logro hasta ahora fue quedarme solo en mi casa 7 horas sin haber consumido Porno ni Psubs, ni siquiera fap. Simplememte use mi notebook para leer partituras, cocine varias cosas e hice ejercicio... Coloque el espejo grande (qie utilizaba para masturbarme) en mi habitacion para verme haciendo ejercicio pero senti un fuerte impulso por volver a esas viejas practicas.. Asi que grite fuerte NO y volvia colgarlo en su lugar..

(Alerta de disparador! Leer con cuidado)
Lo unico que me procupa ahora, ya vencidos estos malditos impulsos es el sexo con mi esposa.. Volvimos a tener sexo ese mismo dia pero fue realmentr muy malo, comenzamos a acariciarnos y mi ereccion era realmente dura luego ella llevo mi mano hacia sus genitales comence a masturbarla pero uma vez que la penetre tan solo dure unos segundos.. Intente despues de correrme dentro de ella seguir pero fue muy dificil dado que estaba muy blando.. Fingi estar cansado (en realidad si lo estaba) y dormimos.. En fin se que esto lleva tiempo pero me preocupa mucho.

Mi pregunta es: Es momento de hablar con ella?

Hasta la próxima.


English

Is so dificul to write a Journey, even many times I doubt that it is a method that works for me, but what does it matter? This is about trying all the resources, and also taking the opportunity to tell you that I am beginning to notice certain advances in this fight against addiction and I want to share it with you. This feeling that morning lights are filtering through the window of your room has been very motivating.

In the first place after my last relapse, a hard relapse, of PMO 3 days in a row. A relapse that had to do with bad and stressful days for different reasons... I took a warm shower and cried, cried a lot, I was so bummed for feeling that I had "defeated" me once again, I let off steam in such a way that I feel that was a purge.

Good. After this I started to read YBOP intensely in my work. In little more than a week I read the whole thing. I decided to perform my Reboot and "here we go again". My biggest achievement so far was staying home alone for 7 hours without PMO, not even FAP. I just used my Laptop to read sheet music, cooking a lot and exercised... I put the big mirror (which I used to masturbate) in my room to see myself exercising but I felt a strong urge to go back to those old practices... So I yelled strong NO and hang it in his place again ..

(Trigger alert! Read carefully)
The only thing that worries me now, having overcome these fuc**ing impulses is the sex with my wife... We had sex again that same day but it was really very bad, we started to caress each other and my erection was really hard then I took my hand to her genitals I started to masturbate her but once I penetrated her it only lasted a few seconds.. I tried after cumming into her to continue but it was very difficult cause i had a very soft erection. I pretended to be tired (actually I was tired) and we slept. I know this take time but I'm really worried.

My question is: Is it time to talk to her?

Until next time.
 
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