Following the Light

Brutus

Active Member
Day 64 no PMO

Throughout my addiction, I tried to refrain from pursuing any sort of dating or relationships with women. There were a couple of reasons for this. For one, I didn't trust myself to act out my addiction to lust by indulging in premarital sex. I'm personally opposed to sex outside of marriage as it can lead to raising children in dysfunctional environments. More important is that I personally only want to have sex with someone I am married to. Another reason I didn't date is that I didn't want to inadvertently harm the person I was dating because of my addiction. Many recovery stories I read say that the women in a marriage feel betrayed by their spouse when he views pornography. Many view it as a form of infidelity. I admitted to myself that I couldn't control my addiction. One thing that I could control was how that addiction would affect someone who I was dating or married to. As a result, I waited and tried to sort things out before looking for companionship. I also knew that my addiction wouldn't suddenly disappear once I got married. Addiction is progressive and never satisfied. Just like how one in addiction is never satisfied with just one image of pornography, I would eventually "get tired" of my spouse and return to images on the internet.
Thankfully, I am now in recovery because of my higher power and I feel confident that starting a relationship wouldn't lead to infidelity. I still don't plan on starting one anytime soon since I'll be serving a mission for 2 years but I am excited to start dating after I get back.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 65 no PMO

I ate some old food in my fridge yesterday night and got food poisoning! I am just now starting to feel better but it was really rough this morning.

Sickness used to be a really big trigger for me, especially because you have to lie in bed all day. I wouldn't feel good enough to do anything except PMO (funny how you almost always feel good enough to relapse). The boredom combined with the idleness usually led to me relapsing. Not today though. I have to choose between staying faithful to God or PMOing, I can't do both. Now that I have felt the love and light of God in my life, I never want to return to the hollow promises of Porn.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 67 no PMO

I had a good week spending time with family. It was good to reconnect with my sister who has been away at college. We were even able to talk about some of the things I've been struggling with and she was very understanding. It's hard to open up to others about this addiction because you don't know how they will react. There is definitely a stigma when it comes to porn addiction, which is hilarious because of how prevalent it is. It's odd how something can be so widespread and stigmatized at the same time.

I had a strange dream where I was married. My dream wife gave me permission to view pornography which I promptly did. After acting out, I felt the same shame and guilt that is usually felt after relapsing, even though I had express permission to do it by a loved one. She was fine with my acting out, but I still felt terrible afterwards. This reinforced my belief that the shame and guilt we feel from this addiction doesn't come from society. Even if everyone was addicted to pornography and it was widely accepted, the same negative emotions would remain. Where this feeling comes from is up for debate, but I believe it comes from the inner realization that pornography use is against our spiritual natures. It is an addiction that separates us from God and His love.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 68 no PMO

Man yesterday was hard for me. I don't know why this is the case but I always get super depressed after my sister leaves to go back to school, probably because we are super close. I slept most of the day and wasn't motivated to do anything. Later in the evening, I decided to journal a bit about what I was feeling and why. I also said some prayers and asked for comfort. It felt good to process my emotions in healthy ways like these rather than relapsing. PMO just avoids the issues anyway, so the pain is still there after acting out. I feel much better today and at peace with her leaving.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 69 no PMO

Yesterday I talked with my bishop about the progress I've made recently. He's the one who has to sign off on my sobriety in order to go on a mission. It felt good to talk to him without shame or guilt on my conscious. We've talked a lot about missionaries who don't take care of this problem before going on a mission. Some of them are able to "white knuckle" their urges. Others ask to be sent home early because of their addiction. I'm glad that I dealt with my addiction now before going out and serving. My mind will be clear of pornography and I won't feel guilt while teaching about Jesus Christ. Just a couple more weeks and I'll be able to submit my mission paperwork. It feels so good to finally be at this point after struggling for the last few years. My sobriety has been possible through God's power, not my own.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 70 no PMO

I feel like I'm going through another mini flat-line. I'm feeling some pretty strong urges and a lack of motivation. My brain still wants the dopamine from PMOing which causes normal activities to feel unsatisfying. I just hope and pray that this feeling will pass eventually. I'm still praying and exercising, those two are non-negotiable activities. Keeping my spiritual and physical health balanced makes the fight manageable. Beyond those two things, I struggle a bit to stay productive/motivated during a flat-line. Oh well, even if I waste a couple of weeks at least I'm recovering from this addiction. Just 3 more weeks and I hit 90 days!
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 71 no PMO

I've been isolating myself a lot the past few years because of my addiction. I would feel guilt and shame about the things I was doing, which led to me isolating myself from other people. That isolation would then lead me to relapse, which would cause further shame and guilt. It was a terrible cycle for many years. It doesn't help that I am an introvert as well. I accept my introversion but that doesn't mean I have to isolate from other people.

My relationships are now improving as I go further along in recovery. The habit of isolating will be hard to break since I've been doing it for many years. It's 6 years vs. 71 days so I'll definitely have some resistance going forward.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 72 no PMO

Low urges today. Spent time with family. Good start to the weekend.
I never struggled with PIED because of this addiction. I never used P enough for it to get that bad. I've read the horror stories on this website though and I feel for every person who's had this addiction worse than me. I especially feel for those in the older crowd. I can't imagine secretly dealing with this for 30+ years. I feel fortunate to be able to stop this addiction now instead of later. I'm not married and don't have kids or a career so the recovery process is more simple for me. It's something I can focus all my efforts on, and for that I am grateful.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 73 no PMO

Had a great time at church today. I now feel peace and joy while attending church rather than guilt and shame like before. I was asked to help teach a lesson next week which I readily accepted. It feels good to see that God trusts me enough to send these opportunities to teach others. I was also able to teach about my struggles about a month ago and many people said they were touched by my story. I'm grateful that the things I went through have strengthened not only my own faith but the faith of those around me as well.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 74 no PMO

I go to an addiction recovery group every Sunday evening that is sponsored by my church. The men who attend are fellow church goers who also struggle with an addiction to Pornography. We study one of the twelve steps of recovery that come from Alcoholics Anonymous and share how our week went. I feel strengthened from every meeting I go to. These brothers are so strong for facing their addiction and accepting responsibility for their past actions. They have inspired me in my own struggles and shown me that recovery truly is possible, not just physically but spiritually as well.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 75 no PMO

I currently have a goal to stop all social media use in my life. It's actually going pretty well. I've never created a Facebook or Twitter account because I was never interested in doing so, which makes that part of it easy. One site I always spent time on was YouTube. I can't imagine how many hundreds of hours I have wasted watching useless entertainment on that site. It's been easy to cut out the useless videos from my time after recognizing that they don't contribute anything worthwhile to my life. It's been a bit harder to just block YouTube as a whole because there are worthwhile videos that can help you learn things. One interesting thing to note is that my addiction started because I learned about masturbation from a YouTube video. At the same time, there's stuff like Gary Wilson's Ted Talk about the effects of porn. There's good and bad on the website. If I do decide to watch something on YouTube, I make sure it will at least be inspiring or informative. Otherwise, it's better to spend my time elsewhere.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 78 no PMO

Feeling better now. I didn't post yesterday because our internet was down in the evening and didn't come back until early in the morning.
The last two days I've been working on my mission paperwork. I went to the dentist for a checkup and got a physical from a doctor. I've completed this paperwork in the past and it's expired because I couldn't stay sober long enough to get on a mission. I was hoping that the completed paperwork would serve as a motivation to not relapse but I've found that external motivators just don't work for me when it comes to this addiction. That's why it's so important that I have a close relationship with God. Now that I feel His love daily, I don't want to return to the empty addiction. I've read somewhere that people tend to fill a "God shaped hole" in their heart with an addiction, which was definitely the case with me. Only He can fill that hole for me.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 79 no PMO

Having a good weekend so far. Urges are low. I'm sleeping more during the day which is odd. I wonder if it's a symptom of recovery to be sleeping so much every day? I've also been feeling some major emotions, both positive and negative. I'll be feeling on top of the world for a few hours and then really apathetic afterwards. I don't mind too much. I'd rather feel fluctuating emotions than what I was experiencing during my addiction. I was just numb to all emotions and feelings. I didn't feel much of anything, not even sadness or anger at my situation. It's crazy how I appreciate even negative emotions now. Much, much better than just feeling numb to everything.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 80 no PMO

Had a good Sunday at church. I was able to help teach a lesson today. I decided to talk about seeking God in life. I was able to share about my addiction and how it completely cut me off from God's love and spirit. It feels good to own the fact that I have struggled with this addiction in the past, and also to glorify God for the healing I've received at His hand. I only have the confidence to openly talk about these things because I completely trust in His ability to save me from addiction. His power has brought me to 80 days of sobriety, not mine. To show gratitude for this incredible gift, I will continue to teach about His healing power.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 81 no PMO

Things are going well. I finished up my mission paperwork and I am meeting with my bishop for the big interview tomorrow. I've been trying to reach this goal for the past four years and it's surreal to have finally made it here. This simply reaffirms the power of God to me. With His help, nothing is impossible.
 

Brutus

Active Member
Day 82 no PMO

Feeling good today. I recommitted to no YouTube today as I spent a couple of hours browsing yesterday. Nothing really gets accomplished as I scroll, my urges tend to get worse after scrolling and I feel like my spirituality suffers too. In short, it's just not worth it to watch YouTube. I've blocked it through Cold Turkey as a result.
This evening I'm meeting my bishop to get things rolling with my mission. From today, I can expect to receive word on where I am assigned in about 2-4 weeks. This will be nice as I'll have more time for my brain to recover from the addiction. Still getting the occasional lustful thought here and there but I quickly think about something else. I don't want to have that darkness in my life anymore.
 
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