I've never wanted anything this much, and it's still so difficult


I've decided to finally tell the whole truth of my story here. Even when I was briefly seeing a therapist for this specifically I redacted and changed details. I don't know why. I guess because it's embarrassing. This is going to be quite long but if even one person reads it and it resonates with them then I feel pretty good about that.

I'll be 32 in about a week, and I've been looking at some form of pornography probably since I was about 13. I'm also gay and was raised in a Roman Catholic family which I'm sure played into the taboo allure of it. When I was 18 I hooked up with a guy for the first time. I found him incredibly attractive, and yet I couldn't perform. I played it off as nerves. It was my first time. Not a big deal. But it kept happening. Again. And again. This went on for probably three years where I could maybe get semi erect with others but never enough for full on sex. Never had problems while watching porn though. Eventually I went to the doctor and got him to prescribe me viagra and cialis because I was still in denial, even though in the back of my mind I know I had strong suspicions of what was really going on.

At one point I told my close friend what was going on. That I thought I had a pornography addiction and it was making a normal sex life impossible. She was clearly so uncomfortable with the subject I just never brought it up again. I was embarrassed I had done so even the one time. It had taken a lot to actually tell someone. I hold no ill will against her but it really sucked. Around this time I had also deleted a HUGE stash of porn I had on my computer. This was such a huge step for me. I actually ended up going two whole months porn free. That was the longest streak I'd ever had until recently.

Obviously I relapsed very badly. Years went by. I continued to watch porn. I continued to try dating/hooking up on occasion which would almost always lead to an unsatisfying and ultimately quite embarrassing experience for me over and over. Which kept me on the porn because it itched that scratch and was comforting in its twisted way. It was a vicious circle. The most absurd part of it is that there were multiple times I met some of my favorite porn stars out at bars, was able to get them back to my place, and I STILL couldn't perform even for them! I mean the irony of it is sickening.

Despite all this, none of my friends or family have any idea. I'm a really good looking guy and get hit on constantly. They just think I'm too picky and or emotionally detached to actually date anyone. The truth is I've always been a deeply emotional guy who would kill for a normal relationship. Who wants to date someone who can't even keep it up though? Year after year I've just continued to chip away at that part of me in an ongoing campaign to keep my mental health in check. I think that's the part about this that sucks the most. Deforming myself for years on end in some kind of mental self defense. Chopping away the parts of me I like most just because they were incompatible with my addiction.

Covid was a huge turning point for me for a couple of ironic reasons. I gained a ton of weight from lack of access to a gym and got extremely depressed. This lowered my libido significantly which made me have very little interest in porn. This, combined with my significant weight gain which I was very self conscious of caused me to delete the hookup apps I had on my phone. Yes, despite my ED issues I had them because A) they were an ego boost and B) essentially another source of porn. I hadn't realized how big of an affect those alone were having on my issue because I was on them all the time every day.

Over the last two years I've taken more and more steps to truly break free. The biggest step was when I finally deleted an entire terabyte of porn I had and actually deleted all my accounts I had accumulated over the years. Some with content I will never be able to get again. That was incredibly difficult. I saw a therapist that specializes in addiction briefly but ended up moving for a job three months after and never did get another one. Despite that I've done really well. Over a year of really fighting. Three months without. A relapse. A month without. A relapse. Two months without. A month plus relapse. I started this year with a four month streak and about a month ago I had what was probably the closest to a healthy sexual experience I've ever had in my entire life. I finished a little prematurely but had a healthy erection the entire time. I cannot describe how happy I was for days after.

It's the strangest thing though, I seem to be on somewhat of a flatline again lately and the only thing I can attribute it to is from having hookups apps on my phone for a few weeks. I never did use anything I received on them as masturbation material but I suppose they still undid a lot of my progress. I did delete them again but the flatline still seems there. I also had a brief relapse a couple weeks ago. I honestly have no idea why. I wasn't even particularly horny. It just happened and when it was over I was pretty confused and angry with myself. Nothing since then though.

I apologize again for how long this is. I don't know why I'm posting this now, but I just feel like for once in my life I needed to tell my whole story and stop leaving important pieces out. I want to move forward from this so bad it hurts. I hope I can find a community here that helps me do that.


Active Member
Thank you for sharing your story. You certainly made a great choice in quitting P and sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of what it takes. This community is a huge help. Use the resources available here and keep fighting.


Thank you for taking the time to read it. I do appreciate that and will use the resources and try to participate


Not sure if i should count this as day 171 or 12 seeing as I had a very brief relapse that lasted maybe 30 minutes 12 days ago. Suppose I should just say day 12 as long as it doesn't get to me. Maybe I'll pretend its day 171 until I get far enough in again that I feel really great about it haha.

Today wasn't the roughest, but not the easiest either. Seems my sex drive is up lately which is always a good thing but obviously makes abstaining that much more difficult. I also woke up just feeling kind of grey. It happens but I also know I'm more susceptible when I'm like this. There was a pretty difficult moment but I pushed through and then the rest of the day was fairly easy. Gonna start trying to make more effort about coming on here even for like 15 minutes which I think will be good. Never hurts to have reminders of how I'm not the only one struggling and what the prize is.