I want to succeed at this as bad as I want to breathe

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 43

It's been a busy week, which is welcomed lately. Prior to quitting porn, I felt so busy all the time, and felt like I was overwhelmed by the slightest additional workload. Now, it almost seems like I'm thriving by keeping myself fairly busy. It seems that porn alone has been keeping me stressed for years, and though this period without it has been brief all things considered, it's been a nice change of pace. Though I'm still way off from where I'd like to be in the long term, I'm still really feeling the value of being porn free lately.

So, for now, I'm just trucking along, and trying to put my focus on the positives, instead of the stressors and negatives. I'm staying focused and driven, and working to just keep moving forward here. Heading into a weekend, which is historically more difficult, but I will persevere.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Well, I have to say, tonight I'm feeling a bit more of the uneasiness that I've felt in the past, particularly in the first couple weeks of my reboot. While I still feel confident enough to get through this, and get through my night, it definitely caught me by surprise to feel some urges and feel my brain wanting to fall back into habits. It's as if I rearranged my house a month ago, and though I'm looking at the room, seeing everything rearranged, a part of me wants to sit where a certain chair used to be, though it's no longer present. I know I cannot do what I feel my brain trying to figure out, but I feel it firing off signals of wanting to do something familiar anyway. It's a very odd and interesting feeling. It's like the phantom limb of masturbation.

I ended up going to my hobby desk, and started working on a project as best I can with what I have present, grabbed a bite to eat, and thought I'd hop onto here to take a moment to journal, and kill some time while I try to wind down enough to just go to sleep for the night. I'm feeling better about this already, but it definitely hit me for a moment. If anyone has ever quit smoking, they know what a craving well after quitting feels like, and that it will pass shortly. This was a very similar feeling.

Interestingly, I did wake up with an erection this morning, which hasn't happened in a while. I wonder if perhaps there is a part of my sex-drive starting to awaken, and my brain is trying to figure out what to do with that energy. Either way, I'm not letting it break me down. Instead, I'm trying to recognize it for what it is, learn how to face it, and get through it properly.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Interesting what you said about the rearranged room. It’s a great metaphor, but rearranging our familiar environment is also quite literally what we need to do in order to reshape our life and habits.

Well done on redirecting your energy to do something else! Sometimes all that’s needed is a few seconds or minutes, and the feeling passes on its own.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 48

Still no porn or MO.

I'm definitely feeling more drive at this point than I have felt in a while. My girl, as well as women in general have been catching my eye more and more. I find certain aspects of women to stand out, and not necessarily in a sexual way, just admiration of their beauty. I will say, this hasn't been without trouble of some sort. For example, I encountered a girl in the store that was just stunning to me the other day, and it just kinda stuck in my mind for longer than I know it should have. Either way, that passed, and normalcy returned. It just bothered me that I couldn't shake her from my head for that period, and honestly made me feel a lil guilty at the time, being that I have a woman at home who I also find to be quite beautiful. I'm realizing that we are naturally wired to see beauty in females, and that's something you just can't avoid at times, so I need to find a way to see pretty women in a healthy way without letting it "trigger" me. Part of this process is learning to cope with triggers, not run from them.

Anyway. Hanging in there, and continuing to learn along this journey.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
This paragraph just described my entire life lol.

I hear you Warhawk88, there is definitely a balance between admiring beauty and going too far the other way - I'm still working on it! Speaking for myself, the further I get away from porn the more I notice the fairer sex and yes just like you, it's not always sexual, it's just pure delight in their femininity. I don't personally feel guilty about this as long as I keep on the straight and narrow with my lady, but to sit and act like I don't notice it, seems to actually make it worse for me.

Yes I'm true to my girl, but I'm also true to myself, which means I have to be honest and say "I see a lot of beauty around me."

I think everyone has to figure out for themselves what will work for them and not. The rules I had when I first started have laxed a little over time, but I'm always ready to get more strict if need be. It's all about reading your state of mind and acting accordingly.

It's a balancing act to be sure and It's definitely something I'm still working on.

Best brother, and congrats on 48 days!
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Thanks @Blondie! Always appreciate the opportunity to vent here, and respect the feedback, support, and discussion that comes up from everyone.

It's a balancing act for sure. It's so interesting to me that a few months ago, I'd look up naked girls online and crank one out while imagining fucking them, and not feel guilt over it. This week, I see a beautiful woman in a Costco and I feel guilty for admiring her too long because I want to give my sexual energy to my girl instead. Such different types of thinking here, and it's such a trip to observe in myself. Perhaps it's just because of the back and forth, and I'm settling in and trying to find the right mindset. Part of me also feels it's like the same anxiety one might get if you walked up to a railing on top of a skyscraper. Your body has this feeling like it's going over the edge, even though you know you have no intent to, and really, there would be no reason to unless you consciously decided to do so. In this case, the anxiety of going over the edge of the railing is the internal feeling that you might do something sexual with a random beautiful girl if given the opportunity, even though you have the right morals and integrity not to. I think I just need to work on realizing that I am comfortable with where my morals lie, and I do feel that seeing beauty in women, or anything really, isn't something I should feel guilty about if that's all it is.

Either way, I think it's just an odd period of this reboot for me, being so sexually inactive, and having a growing drive that I'm trying to find my way through. At the end of the day, my goal is no porn, which I'm doing well with mentally. This 'side quest' of understanding and respecting my own morality hasn't put me onto breaking that porn barrier, so it's not really stressing me out much, just something that's stemmed as part of the process that I certainly find interesting.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 50

I don't have much of an update, so I'll just share a quick thought.

The interesting thing about porn addiction is that, especially in modern society, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to depart from your phone, and you certainly can't leave your dick at home. It's like a cocaine addict having to walk around with a bag of coke in their pocket all day, and trying to not think about it every second of every day.

Much respect to everyone going through this process, regardless of how long they've been "clean". Honestly, it's respectful to just be conscious enough to be making any sort of effort to overcome it, instead of just allowing porn addiction to continue to rule our lives forever. It's really not easy to get through, and society really cuts us no breaks as it tries to cram sexuality down our throats at every possible turn.

Time to find my way through this weekend, and I hope anyone reading this does too.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
The interesting thing about porn addiction is that, especially in modern society, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to depart from your phone, and you certainly can't leave your dick at home. It's like a cocaine addict having to walk around with a bag of coke in their pocket all day, and trying to not think about it every second of every day.
You’re right about this. And it’s strange that there isn’t more of a discussion around this. I remember my parents expressing concern when I was young and using my computer, back when this addiction started for me. I guess they were right to be concerned, even though I was looking at pretty innocent stuff back then.

When we grow up, nobody can dictate what we spend our time on. And like you say, we walk around 24/7 with a machine that can look up just about anything in seconds. Any fetish, any genre you can dream up. It’s no wonder that so many people get into trouble.

I don’t think the solution is throwing away the phone and computer, because they’re not going anywhere. Our children will have the same problem, and if we don’t learn to live with this shit and understand how we can be in control, the problem will never go away.

Great job on those 50 days!
 
Last edited:

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Day 50 that is awesome @Warhawk88 !!
The interesting thing about porn addiction is that, especially in modern society, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to depart from your phone, and you certainly can't leave your dick at home. It's like a cocaine addict having to walk around with a bag of coke in their pocket all day, and trying to not think about it every second of every day.
This is so true and i never thought of it this way, appreciate your thoughts and insight. Going to think on this one for a while
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Thanks @Blondie @downhillfromhere and @WinkTinkTillium!

I don’t think the solution is throwing away the phone and computer, because they’re not going anywhere. Our children will have the same problem, and if we don’t learn to live with this shit and understand how we can be in control, the problem will never go away.

You're absolutely right downhill. We just need to learn to deal with it properly, both individually and on a larger societal scale. Porn abuse really is an invisible epidemic.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 54

It's wild how whenever we start trying to quit porn, we never ever go back to truly feeling like it's acceptable, even if we don't really understand why. Even through relapse periods, we always know deep down that what we're doing is wrong. I know that the guilt of feeling (knowing) that I am doing something wrong will always return with porn use. The only way I can relieve myself of that ongoing cycle of going in and out of guilt is to quit porn forever.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 56

8 weeks no PMO or MO. While I have gone longer without porn, This has been the longest I've ever committed to no MO, and honestly, it's surprising how "right" it feels. I just think, for me, that it's easy to fall down the rabbit hole when I can MO. Being fully hands off has helped keep me focused. I know this isn't the way for everyone, but I'm trying to keep it going for me.

Anyway, I know I'm in unknown territory, for myself at least, but that's ok. I'm working to remain vigilant. I know how quick things can fall apart if not strong.

I read this the other day, perhaps I read it here even, so excuse me if I'm forgetting who I'm quoting, but I liked the mindset.

"It doesn't get easier. We just get stronger."
 
Top