I want to succeed at this as bad as I want to breathe

Warhawk88

Member
Day 74

In a funk today. Feeling inadequate. Second guessing myself. It's been a while since I've felt this "off", and can't really pinpoint exactly where this is coming from. Going to try to get some good sleep tonight and try to bring a different energy to tomorrow.
 

Warhawk88

Member
Day 75

Feeling a bit better today. It's insane what a little sleep will do for your ability to cope with things. I've just been having troubles with sleep. No sleep turns to more stress. More stress turns to less sleep. At some point I crash, end up getting sleep by default, and the cycle starts over. Interestingly, the first two months of this reboot, I did surprisingly well with my sleep management, which felt amazing, but the past couple weeks, I'm back to this weird loop that I need to find a way to get myself out of. This week I'm going to actively work on healthy ways to get myself back into the right sleeping groove.
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
Appreciate your share @Warhawk88 i am not sure if there is a correlation to duration of streak and resurgence of sleep issues. I can also share that since maybe day 60 ish to current day 79 my sleep has become erratic. I am still working out, eating healthy, doing my best to balance stress and even on the good days still waking up a few times over the night. It does make things more difficult that is for sure but you will figure it out! Keep going strong :) Everything will balance/right itself with time. 1 day of healing at a time!
 

Warhawk88

Member
Thanks for that feedback @WinkTinkTillium. I'm sorry to hear you're battling sleep too, but appreciate your positive outlook on it, and it's helpful to know that this may just be a natural part of this process. It's very interesting that you specifically note the issue of waking up multiple times, as I've been dealing with exactly that as well. I've historically had sleep issues since childhood, but moreso just getting to sleep, or waking early, but rarely waking up multiple times like I am now. I'm also having some more vivid dreams than usual as well, which may be contributing to those waking periods.

I had a bit of trouble with sleep last night again, but it could have been worse. I'm feeling much, much better today, and more like my normal self. I think I just caught a bad groove early this week.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Good to hear that you’re feeling better, sleep incredibly important as you say, affects so many things like focus and memory, general health etc.

One thing I know that can help is to turn off all screens and dim the lights as much as possible one hour before bed. Another thing is to go to bed / wake up at the same time every day, been trying to get better at that myself. Also, exercise is great for better sleep, but doing it too late can make it harder to get to sleep.

Anyways, 75 days is really great work, keep going!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi @Warhawk88 - I had some sleep issues during my recovery but can’t recall when they were. I don’t have the answer except to say probably what @downhillfromhere says about not watching a screen too late. Also less or no booze and no late night snacks. Bottom line is that it’s your brain screwing with you, and if your brain is doing that then you’re doing something to your brain. Ergo bad sleep patterns are good news. 🤷
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
So glad you brought up the dreams part @Warhawk88 I completely forgot to include that in my earlier response yesterday. Somehow when i watched either Gabe's or Noah's or Gary Wilson's videos the first time i missed the correlation between Dopamine and dreams. Simple version is Normal Dopamine levels you will have/remember dreams. Bad or fried Dopamine levels you wont have or remember your dreams. so 3 months ago before i began my current streak and i listened to that part i was like well no shit, thats why i havent had nor remembered a dream in 3 to 4 years. Now that i am this far through the beginnings of recovery the dreams are coming back. Sporadically yes, sometimes incredibly vivid and wild, other times just standard run of the mill.

That is also why im pretty sure our recovery has something to do with the sleep issues. Granted that plus life stress, emotions, health, other stimulus like screen time before bed etc.
 

Warhawk88

Member
Great info guys. I'll admit, I've watched some of the basic RN videos, and done some reading off and on over the years while trying to quit, but it was probably all done while in a brain fog, and I feel like I've retained less than I'd like to have. It's probably not a bad idea to keep myself refreshed on this stuff to keep a better grasp of the functions we go through as the brain changes.

Just the sharing of your experiences helps to put my mind a bit more at ease if I'm honest. Thanks to all for sharing their input.

Interestingly, when I quit smoking weed, I had the most vivid dreams of my life for a couple months afterwards. They did subside, but I was exhausted for those couple of months while going through that, likely because my mind never had a chance to truly rest. During this period of my reboot, they're not quite as vivid, but some are intense enough to wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, with heart racing, and then it hits me that it's just a dream. I think the biggest difference in my stress levels between these periods is my work. When I quit smoking weed, my work life was considerably less stressful. Now, its a very tough job, so the lack of sleep and stress are compounding, and definitely taking a toll at times.

Regardless of my levels of stress, I'm still all the way committed to my reboot, even if it gets worse. I am trusting the process, and optimistic that as my brain repairs, things will get better.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
This week I'm going to actively work on healthy ways to get myself back into the right sleeping groove.
A good night's sleep is absolutely crucial for mental and physical health. So many people think this is boring, and they're wrong. Do a Google search for "sleep hygiene" and take the right steps to ensure you get more sleep. In a week or two, you will notice a significant difference.
 

Warhawk88

Member
Day 80

I've had a day counter widget on my phone for years to track my streaks. It's just cool to see that number and know I'm actually where it says I am, rather than it only being a reminder of where I could have been had I not failed and gone back to porn. Can't wait to get into triple digits, and beyond.
 
Congrats on Day 80, I’ve just read your whole feed and find your self reflection and insightfulness inspiring. I actually felt a little jealous that my man (porn addict) couldn’t fight this way for me, keep up the good work fella.
 

Warhawk88

Member
Thanks @Blondie!

Thanks @Beautiful1973. To be fair, I'm sure my lady has felt that way about me in the past before too, and I know how insanely lucky I am for her to still be with me, and willing to see me through this, despite my past failures. It's a process, and it's taken me a long time to get where I am now; not just the time spent in this reboot, but through years of failures and periods of not taking the actions I should have been. I know I still have a long way to go too. I'm not out of the woods yet, not by a longshot. I'm just grateful to have found RN to help me find accountability and guidance, because honestly, I'd probably have gone back to the porn BS the night I found this place if I hadn't.

Without knowing your personal situation, you're obviously here with some purpose, so I hope that RN can impact you and/or your man in a positive way, somehow, like it has to many here. Good luck.
 
Thanks @Warhawk88 yes there’s purpose, and I will share my story at some point, but maybe I just have a need to support other men in their journeys, when my man couldn’t save our relationship, and let his kind & loving partner walk away from him!
 

Warhawk88

Member
Day 81

So, while this process can have it's bouts with depression and anxiety, the flip side of that is that some days there is just a burning fire inside me, and that can be a good and bad thing. It's good in the sense that I feel like I am all man, highly energetic, driven, powerful, and ready to take on the entire fucking world. The bad side of this is that I feel like it can be a bit intense for those around me if I don't keep it toned back, and I really have to be mindful of myself when I am in this mindset because I know it can be off-putting since that's not always me, particularly at work. I feel like, with time, learning how to control this internal fire will only help me in many aspects of my life, I just need to be cautious as to not let it control me.

Anyway, I have a few personal goals for this week.
  • Keep working on better sleep hygiene patterns. While I've been ok with following some of this in the past, though not always seeing results, I'm making a point to dim the lights before bed, cut down screen time, and not snack as late. I'll be honest, it hasn't really helped a ton, but I have definitely gotten worse sleep than I have the past several days, so perhaps it's working better than I'm aware. Not sure, but I'm going to keep trying anyway.
  • Work on getting more exercise. I do have some injuries that keep me with some limited options for exercise, but options nonetheless. Today my girl and I are going for a long walk through our hilly neighborhood. We live on a small mountain (or big hill depending on where you're from LOL) but it's a good place to hike and get some exercise, so we're working on building back up to getting our hikes in at least a few times per week. I intend to get at least one good hike in by the end of this week.
  • Oh yeah, not watch porn!! But that's every week now :cool:
 

Warhawk88

Member
Day 82

Last night my lady and I got a good chance to sit down and work some things out. She admitted that she's felt a bit underappreciated, and I admitted that I knew it was really all my fault. While we've talked about the porn addiction in the past, and even somewhat recently, we've never really dove as deep as I'd like to have, so that's what we did last night. First things first, I took full ownership of the sexual neglect from my end, but felt it only right to explain in more detail what I was going through, what I'm doing to fix it, and what my goals were, short term and long term. I was able to really explain how porn addiction had affected me, and what I expected to be going through as we work on rebuilding our sexual relationship and closeness. I think was really eye opening to her to get a better understanding of what this addiction really is, and what I was doing about it, and why. Really, it's all about her and me, and that's what's important to me, and what keeps me motivated. It was a tough discussion, but relieving to really get it all out there and expose my vulnerabilities in more transparency than I have to this point.

The difference between this discussion and previous ones, was this time I really tried to take what I have learned about porn addiction, and really make sure that she truly understood how deep this thing can run in people, and myself. I feel like in the past I've maybe held back on how hardcore it had affected me, perhaps because I didn't want to admit it, even to myself. This time, I put it all out there. I didn't want her to have any confusion or misunderstanding of what I have been going through, or may still go through. It's embarrassing, really, but it's also reality, and it's only fair for her to know everything I could possible share.

In the end, my perception was that she was relieved to have had the discussion, and she seems really supportive of where I am with this, and where I'm headed. I think she also accepted my ownership of lack of attention to her. Ultimately, she actually seemed quite happy to know that I was doing all of this for us, because I know how lucky I am to have not lost her yet, though she states that she's never even considered our relationship any level of failure, nor did she ever see herself without me. I really am lucky, but I will not take that for granted, because people never plan to change how they feel, it just happens.

The discussion lead to us having sex, which was very connected and intimate, then really just enjoying each other the rest of the night, which was great, and something I think both of us needed, and need more of.
 
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