I want to succeed at this as bad as I want to breathe

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 83

True that @SimonM.

This is the period I'm really looking forward to, is reconnecting on a higher level with her, and maintaining that connection.

I do think I went right into a flatline of sort, and I'm totally drained yesterday and today. Just out of it, and feeling a bit disconnected, but it's manageable. I'll get through it, it just is what it is.

Still having some sleep issues. I've been better about getting to sleep at a reasonable time. I'm mostly being woken up by dreams. Last night I woke up laughing out loud about something in my dream. I was so amused by something that I was full on laughing as I woke up. It was the most bizarre thing ever. I've never done that before in my life.

I'm happy with the direction things are going, despite some minor inconveniences. Any negative is far outweighed by the positive experience of connecting with my woman, and my dick starting to work properly again.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 84

Went for a good hike yesterday, and got straight to sleep, which I needed because I had to be up abnormally early this morning. Though I got decent sleep, it was an exhausting day. I was busy from beginning of the early morning to the end of today, with meeting stacked back to back to back. Got home mentally drained, and felt some urges to watch porn. Not so much true urges, just my brain trying to revisit the muscle memory of my past, as a natural part of my (old) home alone process. I was able to easily brush it off, it's just an odd feeling is all. No biggie though. No plans to let porn ruin the good I have going on right now. I'm actually feeling really good and confident in my present and future. Life is good, and getting better.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 85

Thanks @Blondie. I'm along for the whole experience here. I think a large part of this process isn't learning to just live with or deal with the inner fire that comes with not releasing at will all the time, it's figuring out the right ways to embrace and utilize that fire properly, and that comes with life changes. I'm certainly working through that process now, and really starting to appreciate the experience.
 
Last edited:

forceisstrong2

Active Member
Hey big man,

The big day is approaching. Fair play to you. Thanks too for all of your support!!!

Let's kick this bullshit for good!!!

Best from across the big pond (the Atlantic!)
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 86

Got my big hike in with my girl last night. My shins were already a little sore from the hike a few days prior, but I had a goal to hit for the week, and I had to make it happen. Plus, the weather was just excellent, so it was an opportunity to not be wasted. Of course, my legs felt super sore when done and today, but that's ok. No pain, no gain, I suppose. The great thing was that it was a night hike, so as soon as I got home and stretched out, I was off to bed. I got a full nights sleep, and was up bright and early today, and have already accomplished my necessary errands for the day.

The great thing here is that I'm feeling horny again. I felt like I hit a bit of a flatline earlier in the week, but that seemed to only last a couple days, and I'm back to feeling good again. Yesterday at work I actually got a random erection out of nowhere. I felt like I was 15 again! :LOL: I think that getting back into some exercise, plus working on rewiring with my lady, are starting to bring some more obvious progress. I'm liking where things are going.

The challenge here is that with increased horniness, comes greater urges, and greater responsibility as it relates to keeping my nose clean. It's also, honestly, a bit distracting. I think that's going to be my next big challenge, is not allowing heightened horniness distract me, particularly at work when I have a ton of things to stay on top of.

Anyway, today is a bit dull because my girl is out of town today with her sister, and I'm at home. I'm going to go get out of the house a bit and go browse at a couple shops to keep my mind occupied. Otherwise, it should be a good, porn free, weekend.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 88

Had a pretty awesome weekend, all things considered. Hit a nice hike yesterday, and hitting another today. I'm trying to keep at it, because it's definitely balancing me out lately. In the past week I've gotten better sleep, and just felt better in general, mentally and physically. I even went to the store over the weekend, and just felt a general level of confidence in myself that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm really looking forward to finding more ways to improve myself as I move onward in this new way of life. What started as a dreadful, grueling process, is slowly turning into an amazing experience that I'm happy to be a part of, and really hoping to maintain.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Glad to hear of your current successes @Warhawk88. Isn't great how our confidence soars after doing what we should be doing or not doing? I'm still getting use to this wonderful fact. :cool:
What started as a dreadful, grueling process, is slowly turning into an amazing experience that I'm happy to be a part of, and really hoping to maintain.
You're doing great, and you have everything you need within you to make this happen forever.

Almost to 90!

Best
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 90

This is a pretty cool landmark for me. This is the first time I've been at this point with zero porn use AND zero MO. It's the first time I've felt truly committed to kicking this thing FOR GOOD, and not (subliminally or not) lying to myself internally, while still fantasizing or regularly seeking substitutes. This time I am here, truly clean, and remain focused as ever. While I've seen improvement in many ways, physically, mentally, and in my relationship, I'm nowhere near "recovered". I'm a hell of a lot closer than I was 91 days ago, though, that's for sure, and that's enough to be happy about today.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 90

This is a pretty cool landmark for me. This is the first time I've been at this point with zero porn use AND zero MO. It's the first time I've felt truly committed to kicking this thing FOR GOOD, and not (subliminally or not) lying to myself internally, while still fantasizing or regularly seeking substitutes. This time I am here, truly clean, and remain focused as ever. While I've seen improvement in many ways, physically, mentally, and in my relationship, I'm nowhere near "recovered". I'm a hell of a lot closer than I was 91 days ago, though, that's for sure, and that's enough to be happy about today.
That's what I'm talking about, man! This is the best way to do it. Hard 90. 90 Days is a good beginning, a long enouh time to see where you're at.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Fantastic job @Warhawk88! This is a beautiful day for you.

While I've seen improvement in many ways, physically, mentally, and in my relationship, I'm nowhere near "recovered". I'm a hell of a lot closer than I was 91 days ago, though, that's for sure, and that's enough to be happy about today.
Yes you are! It always goes back to enjoying one day at a time. Yes, realize you still have further to go, but man, bask in the wonder of this moment as well!

I hope you have a great day.

Best
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Thanks @Escapeandnevercomeback @downhillfromhere and @Blondie!

Day 91

I thought it would be good to mark a few things I've noticed through this process to this point.
  • I am still not getting regular morning wood. I do sometimes, but not consistently, and honestly, not often.
  • Despite no morning wood, I do occasionally sport wood at random during my day. Not uncontrollably so, and it's generally when my mind wanders and I start thinking about sex with the lady. I try to keep this under control, because though my thoughts are about my lady, they're just thoughts, and I'm typically in a place where they're useless to me and no action is taking place, so basically useless in that moment. I'm trying to focus on rewiring my brain to react to time WITH her only, and not get myself worked up for no reason.
  • My erections do seem to work when needed. They're not always 100%, but they're enough to do work, so I'm happy working with what I've got. To be up front, I'm not having a ton of sex, though, maybe 5-10 days between.
  • I do get flatlines after I release, but they seem to be shorter as time goes on. They were over a week around the 6 week to 8 week mark. They now seem to last only a few days.
  • With my flatlines, I seem to get emotionally unstable. My mind wanders, I overthink, I get headaches, I lose confidence. This is also seeming to mellow out quite a bit with time, but are still a thing to some degree.
  • I have noticed that my compulsive spending, eating, and screen dependence have all dropped dramatically. The spending has been the most notable. I feel like I've just been smarter with my money, and have actually gotten ahead of a few outstanding debts in this time and accrued more savings than usual, even despite the fact that I have picked up new hobbies to distract myself through the earliest stages of my reboot.
  • It seems if I make it past a week without sex, I will get some abdominal discomfort, and once I get that, it's almost inevitable I will have a wet dream that night or the following.
  • Interestingly, it seems that wet dreams are sometimes sexual, and sometimes I'm just in a weird dream world where everything is random and makes no sense, but I still O. It can be very odd waking up and wondering why I released, and honestly, I've been watching porn for so long that I have no clue whether this is normal or not, and I guess I don't really care, as it's beyond my control anyway.
  • Most dreams are vivid, and can sometimes leave me feeling unrested due to my brain not really ever shutting down, or me waking up in the middle of the night due to the vivid nature of the dream.
  • Managing urges has gotten significantly easier around this time. The first month was hell, and it seems all I could think about for the first 30 days was porn, sex, or feelings of horniness that I could do nothing about. The second was a bit easier, but far still distracting. This last month has gotten significantly easier, and I feel like my main focus is life, and not sex or my reboot. I only hope to see this control getting better and better with time.
Anyway, I have read so many different versions of where people are at when they hit the 90 day mark, that I thought it would be interesting to point out a few notable things that I notice in myself at this point, because everyone's experience seems to vary greatly.
 
Last edited:

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 95

Facing dick issues right now. One day it wants to work, another it doesn't. Some days it's mood changes every 10 minutes, and without valid reason. These things really do have a mind of their own at times, it seems. :LOL: Either way, it is what it is. The causation for this is obvious, as is the solution.

My favorite speaker has a bit that I love, and part of it goes: "Don't rush the process, trust the process! It takes 21 years to turn 21 years old, you can't do it in 18" and I love this as it relates to this process. However long it takes for the brain to heal, is how long it takes. There is nothing we can do to force-fix ourselves faster. Quit porn, and the rest will come when it comes, and you just have to trust it to do so.
 
Top