I want to succeed at this as bad as I want to breathe

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 104

Headed out for a trip with my lady tomorrow, and will be meeting friends for an event out of state this weekend. We'll be hitting the beach, among other activities, and I'm really looking forward to it. Admittedly, this was a trip I had in mind when I started this reboot. It was probably the driving factor in beginning this particular reboot. In fact, I think that all of my reboots have been with a specific trip in mind, because getting out and doing some vacationing is typically a time when we are closer, so I always wanted to be ready for sex without disruption by PIED, etc.

This time is different. In the past, the reboots that surround these trips have been a temporary fix in my head for that time period, and I always fell apart shortly, if not immediately, after the trip (if I even made it TO the trip!). This time around, I am not going to let that occur. This reboot needs to be a "forever" change for me, and I am no longer basing my "fix" around any one event. I feel very firm and confident in that mindset at this point.

It's interesting looking at where I am on this reboot and feeling so much further advanced than ones of the past. Not necessarily advanced as in "fixed", because I still have a long road ahead of me there, but advanced as it relates to my attitude towards porn, masturbation, and rebooting in general. This advancement has really only occurred during this reboot, and I'd even say largely in part due to my expanded knowledge and inspiration that comes from RN. This time I feel like I'm truly driven for permanent success, whereas in the past (and even at the start of this reboot), I had one specific goal to meet, and was lying to myself if I ever said I was in it to get clean forever. Not that I would state that a backslide is impossible at this point, and I'm still very much fighting to make sure one doesn't occur, it's just not inevitable like it once was.
 

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 108

Just got home from an awesome lil trip. Overall, a very good time, and had a lot of connection time with my lady, and had some really good sex over the past few days, which was great. My dick is still not 100%, but it's getting there, and I was able to perform to some degree three days in a row, so I'll take that! Only a few months ago that would have literally been impossible without pills!

The trip was not without some challenges, though. During the crowded event we attended, I did certainly find myself having some troubles with looking at certain women lustfully. The way some women dress can be a trigger, and when they don't leave much to the imagination, it can be a little difficult at this stage for me. I know that this is just lingering conditioning due to my porn use over the years, and my brain being conditioned to expecting more after seeing certain parts of women, or seeing women in certain clothes. This is something I need to work on, and intend to. I did check myself each time I found myself doing this, but over the past few days I have to admit that I had to check myself quite a bit. This really wasn't a major issue, I didn't get worked up over it or anything, and my focus was truly primarily on my own beautiful woman, but it was a behavior that I did catch in myself in the moment, so thought it wise to be open about it in my journaling to promote better behaviors in the future.
 

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 109

Woke up from a vivid dream in the middle of the night last night, where I dreamt I had broken my streak, and PMO'd, and ended up waking up in a terrified panic. I recall in my dream feeling so guilty and disappointed in myself. I really felt awful. Despite waking up feeling awful, and disrupting my sleep, I actually appreciated having this dream. Dreaming always seems to be the opening to genuine feelings about certain subjects, and to subconsciously feel guilt, as I did in my dream, tells me that deep down, I am truly wanting to change permanently. Not that I really had any question about that at this stage, it was just a reassuring moment that I found some light in and wanted to notate somewhere.
 

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 110

Looks like I caught Covid while on our trip. One of our friends that was with us tested positive the day after we got home. I took a test for good measure, and I turned up positive too. Fortunately, I've been through this once before, and it was very mild last time around. This time around I'm not really feeling much, so hopefully passes without much issue.

The thing that's more of the challenge, to me, is the fact that I'll be locked in at home, bored, for the remainder of this week and weekend. Last time I had the Vid, I probably just wacked off the whole way through it. This time, I won't, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have a little worry about what temptations boredom brings. This will certainly be a good opportunity to test myself. Most of my recovery has been spent finding ways to occupy myself, and I can only do so much at home, so I may find this as a little bit of a challenge. Maybe it will be easy. Who knows? I don't, yet, but I am going into this with hopeful optimism that I will get through it just fine and without issue.
 

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 113

Today I did some research on urology docs around me, and I think I'm ready to take the plunge and get my vasectomy, particularly now that I'm focusing on being more sexually active. It's something I've been thinking about more and more over the past several months. We don't have kids, and don't want any. Not that we hate kids, I have plenty of friends and family with kids, and they're great, we just don't want any of our own, and never have. I think it would bring peace of mind to not have to worry about slipping up. She's been on BC for years, but I know she doesn't like it, and I feel that snipping is definitely more certain anyway. I don't have concern about wanting to change my mind down the line, but I do have a general uneasiness about the process in general, which I think is natural, all things considered. Still, I signed up for a consultation which I'm hoping to go in for next week, and we'll go from there.

Otherwise, all is well for me. The vid didn't get me too bad this time around, and I'm back at full capacity, and will have passed the recommended quarantine period as of tomorrow. Looking forward to getting back to the world and having an awesome weekend.
 

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 121

Struggling through the rough times during recovery is worth it, and it becomes more obvious to me day by day.

Beyond seeing improvements in just myself, my relationship has changed significantly for the better. There is a connection that is strengthening as time goes on that is undeniable. We've been more hands on, and have been just enjoying our time together more. I can feel it from myself and her, and it's showing in many ways. We've spent more time together, gone out more, adventured more, been more physical both sexually and non, and while I find myself admiring her more than I used to, I also feel like she's admired me more as well. Considering that our sexual relationship has only recently started to reignite in the last month or two, I'm really excited for what the future has in store as I get farther and farther away from porn. I just know that our connection will grow stronger and stronger with more and more time, and I'm beyond excited to keep this momentum.

I have a long, long way to go until I will truly feel like I've recovered, but I've gotten the faint and distant smell of success, I can taste it, and I'm ready to follow that smell until I get to earn my seat at the table to feast.
 

Warhawk

Active Member
Thanks dudes 🤘

We always thought we needed porn to get through life, but we don't

Truth. I think that what was harder for me to wrap my mind around was not masturbating. I knew I could kick porn with the right effort, but didn't think I could stop masturbating as a way to cope with sexual urges in the process. Now I'm seeing that, for me, disciplining myself by way of not masturbating at all, has been a great value and has helped me to control this entire reboot much better than any of my prior attempts.
 

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 126

I have been eating poorly the past couple weeks. I worry about the possibility that I'm trading one bad habit for another, so I'm calling myself out on it here today, and setting a goal to be better about eating better, both in quality of nutrition, but also in quantity. I just know that if I don't take action on it now, I will regret it, and I feel the poor habits of eating aren't too far off from the habits of porn. I don't want to offset a good thing with a bad one, because that doesn't feel like true progress.
 

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 134

Finding that I seem to not really be having "cravings" to watch porn any more, and have gotten much better control of what has been "triggering" to me lately. I think having a firm line line on only orgasming by way of sexual activity with my girl is wiring properly into my brain. With this said, I'm having ups and downs sexually. I seem to have mini flatlines that last a day or two, but they click off like a light switch and I can go from no libido, to unreasonably horny in moments. I've found that the old adage "an object in motion stays in motion" is true with my sexuality too. When we are sexually active every day or two, I seem to maintain better erections and libido, but if I take a longer break, I start to have more flatlines and my erections can be weaker. Overall, though, I'm definitely continuing to grow, one way or another, so that's good.

Unrelated to this post, but as a follow up to a prior one, I did find out I have a large kidney stone that's likely going to require surgery, so I've put the vasectomy off for now until that is sorted out, but still plan to proceed once I'm done with that.
 

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 139

Going to be a little straightforward and mildly graphic, so feel free to bypass reading if that's an issue.

I've had the opportunity to have some really great sex this week. I'm battling PE a bit, but that's ok, I honestly think I just need to get into the right groove and level of comfortability and regularity to level that out. The only real solution seems to be to have more sex to grow my own confidence and comfortability, and that's a project I can get behind ;) . I think I'm overstating this, though, if I'm honest. I know how to work my groove to get past the "blow my load" stage of initial excitement and do work, but it would be nice to be able to contain that excitement right out of the gate, if that makes sense.

What I can say is that I am having less and less troubles getting hard at this point. Lately, I've been able to get hard as a rock when I need to. Sometimes it's even surprising to me. To add, I have had instances where I've orgasmed, and stayed hard for some time afterwards, instead of just deflating like a spent balloon. I can tell I'm still healing, but I'm very happy with where I'm at, at this point.

Beyond just talking about my dick, my relationship is continuing to strengthen every day. My girl is getting more comfortable with initiating sex with me, and has been more sexually adventurous. I've always been the initiator, and will likely always be the lead on that, but in the past, when she's had needs, she would be less likely to initiate with me because she knew I wouldn't be "in the mood" or have some excuse as to why I couldn't perform, etc. With the improvements I'm making, and the open discussion on my reboot, we've been able to get into it more freely, and at nearly any time. I have to imagine most men who have had PIED know the anxiety I'm talking about when it comes time to have sex, knowing you're going to underperform because you recently beat off, or just can't get aroused, or whatever. That anxiety is no longer present. It's truly freeing. Of course, this doesn't mean I'm any sort of sex machine (LOL), not even close, it just means I can have regular sexual experiences with my partner on a consistent and normal basis. This freedom has removed a very noticeable layer of tension from both of us, and allowing us to strengthen our relationship more and more on a physical and emotional level.

Anyway. I'm just happy to be where I am, and am looking forward to every new and positive improvement along the way. Porn really is one of the worst things ever. It's amazing to feel how different and great life is without it, even at such a relatively early stage of recovery.
 
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homerun

Member
Day 139

Going to be a little straightforward and mildly graphic, so feel free to bypass reading if that's an issue.

I've had the opportunity to have some really great sex this week. I'm battling PE a bit, but that's ok, I honestly think I just need to get into the right groove and level of comfortability and regularity to level that out. The only real solution seems to be to have more sex to grow my own confidence and comfortability, and that's a project I can get behind ;) . I think I'm overstating this, though, if I'm honest. I know how to work my groove to get past the "blow my load" stage of initial excitement and do work, but it would be nice to be able to contain that excitement right out of the gate, if that makes sense.

What I can say is that I am having less and less troubles getting hard at this point. Lately, I've been able to get hard as a rock when I need to. Sometimes it's even surprising to me. To add, I have had instances where I've orgasmed, and stayed hard for some time afterwards, instead of just deflating like a spent balloon. I can tell I'm still healing, but I'm very happy with where I'm at, at this point.

Beyond just talking about my dick, my relationship is continuing to strengthen every day. My girl is getting more comfortable with initiating sex with me, and has been more sexually adventurous. I've always been the initiator, and will likely always be the lead on that, but in the past, when she's had needs, she would be less likely to initiate with me because she knew I wouldn't be "in the mood" or have some excuse as to why I couldn't perform, etc. With the improvements I'm making, and the open discussion on my reboot, we've been able to get into it more freely, and at nearly any time. I have to imagine most men who have had PIED know the anxiety I'm talking about when it comes time to have sex, knowing you're going to underperform because you recently beat off, or just can't get aroused, or whatever. That anxiety is no longer present. It's truly freeing. Of course, this doesn't mean I'm any sort of sex machine (LOL), not even close, it just means I can have regular sexual experiences with my partner on a consistent and normal basis. This freedom has removed a very noticeable layer of tension from both of us, and allowing us to strengthen our relationship more and more on a physical and emotional level.

Anyway. I'm just happy to be where I am, and am looking forward to every new and positive improvement along the way. Porn really is one of the worst things ever. It's amazing to feel how different and great life is without it, even at such a relatively early stage of recovery.
Bro - you have inspired me to start my own blog - keep it up. P.S what is PMO and MO? I am looking forward to the day of feeling like how you are feeling - confident and in love with your girl
 
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