I want to succeed at this as bad as I want to breathe

[Warhawk]

Bro - you have inspired me to start my own blog - keep it up. P.S what is PMO and MO? I am looking forward to the day of feeling like how you are feeling - confident and in love with your girl

Do whatever it takes, brother. While I'm happy to be where I'm at today, and it's miles ahead of where I was, the battle is ongoing, and I've had ups and downs with it for many years. The fear of fucking this all up again is always looming, and I'm just doing my best to keep that from happening. I hope you are able to kick the habit yourself. We all deserve the freedom from porn.

Also, PMO stands for "Porn Masturbation Orgasm" and MO stands for "Masturbation Orgasm" (without porn). Just simple shorthand you'll see used in these groups.

 

[Warhawk]

Day 150

Doing well. Had an awesome Thanksgiving with my girls side of the family. I have spent more time with them the past couple months, and they have, rightfully so, called me out for being more active in visiting them with her now than I have been in the past. This isn't a bad thing, and was done jokingly, but the reasoning caught me as being so obvious when the comment came up. This is a combo of both quitting weed a couple years back, and being free from porn now. I definitely think it's been easier to socialize the last few months, likely because I don't have a reason to be a hermit and stay inside all the time any more, so whether it's with family, friends, or just getting out and about with strangers, I've just naturally spent much more time around people than I used to, so that's good. It's crazy looking back and realizing how hard I used to shut down anything social, just so I could stay home and watch porn. The longer I go without it, the more crazy the thought of that even seems, but it's unfortunately so true.

 

[Warhawk]

Day 160

I've found that I really don't feel triggered by much online any more. I actually got back on Instagram, for the first time since quitting porn, and deleted all the girls I used to follow that posted nothing but themselves in their underwear. I don't use it much besides to post hobby stuff again, but it was nice to get through it, clear those accounts out, and not feel even slightly triggered in the process. It's also nice to be able to use it freely again without feeling like I have to avoid it to keep from being sucked back into the porn spiral. When masturbating isn't even an option, there is really no appeal to photos of women on a screen, no matter how attractive.

I feel more like a normal human than I probably ever have. I'm loving it.

 

[Warhawk]

Day 170

Almost to 6 months

 

[Blondie]

Nice @Warhawk88 .

 

[Warhawk]

Day 184

Today would mark 6 whole months since I quit PMO and MO. The last day I watched any porn was the very last day of June. I can't truly express how much this has changed my life for the better so far. My relationship has grown significantly stronger. I no longer have PIED. We've been having sex very regularly, at least a few times per week, and sometimes a few times a day on weekends. My refractory period is getting shorter and shorter. My erections are harder and fuller. I am lasting longer and longer, taking the time to really get into the sex itself, rather than focusing on the orgasm. Really, while 6 months feels like a long time, it's really only been 3 months of notable effort towards our rekindled sex life, and I see this upward trend of sexual function and joy continuing. I am genuinely very happy with where things are, and where they're going.

I'm also finding my focus on "not using porn" is fading, and not in a bad way. I understand the need to always maintain a healthy respect for what damage porn can and will do to me, and I feel I've put that mental barrier right where it needs to be in my thought process. For the first several months of this journey, it was constantly on my mind, because I was having genuine withdrawals from porn, and wasn't properly separating digital lust from true sexual desire for an actual human. At this point, I feel like my brain has a significantly better grasp on real vs fake, so I'm just not constantly haunted with that lust, nor do I feel triggers affect me much any more. They do on occasion, but it's easy to move on from them when I know they're not going to do anything for me.

I really do appreciate finding this place so much. I'm not sure I'd have made it this far without the motivation I found here. I hope everyone has a safe and awesome new year, and a "Porn Free 23!"

 

[Warhawk]

Day 200

A lot has happened in these 200 days and I'm ready to do 200 more.

 

[Blondie]

Right on @Warhawk88!

 

[Warhawk]

Day 213

Life threw some things at me the past couple weeks, and I certainly had a shift in overall priorities. In the mix, sexual activity fell into the low priority category, and didn't have sex (or any orgasm) for about two weeks. What's nice is that I had no issue with that, and didn't feel like I was missing out on it, nor did I feel any over the top craving for it. It's nice to go through that and realize that getting off doesn't have to be the biggest priority of my life to exist, and that it's ok to shift focus when needed, and not feel distracted. I know that my old porn addicted brain would have been craving dopamine to deal with the stresses of the past couple weeks, and it would have distracted me to a point of failing in some, if not all, other areas of my life in the process. Honestly, in the past, it's likely that I'd have just binged porn or masturbation through the stress period, ultimately creating more problems and stress by not focusing like I should have.

With this said, life has calmed back down quite a bit, and we had some great deeply connected sex this morning, which brings another thought to mind. Sex is more than just getting off, or at least it should be. What porn and society misses is the true chemistry that we can have with another human when we connect properly. No pixelated performance on screen can properly depict the feeling of true passion in the moment when that connection exists, and it will certainly never happen with your hand. This type of chemistry comes in many forms in a relationship, and while sex isn't the only catalyst, it seems that if it's missing there, it starts to dwindle elsewhere. I never realized how much I was missing out on when I was watching porn.

 

[Androg]

Good insights!

 

[Warhawk]

Day 1

Well, I fucked up and am here to be honest about it. The past week or so I've had some questionable "seeking" behavior that I should have taken more serious. Really, I should have come here to journal it and that may have helped keep me on track. Instead, I blew it off, and fucked up last night. I couldn't sleep after my girl and I had gotten into a bit of an argument. I decided to have a couple drinks, and then the seeking turned to porn and quickly to PMO.

I'm terribly disappointed in myself here, and was in the moment, too. I kept telling myself to stop, but I just didn't. It was so stupid, and not even gratifying. I was on day 243, exactly 8 months of streak. What a waste.

With this said, I didn't binge, and what I watched wasn't hard-core porn. It was picture, and not video. I feel I could have set myself back much further had I gone all out. Not that any porn makes it any better, I guess I'm just acknowledging that it could have been worse. I also know I'm not out of the woods here, and I need to be very careful to not let myself slide further.

I'm here this morning getting back to the forum to try to get back to holding myself accountable daily, and making sure this is a one time fuck up, and not an entry to old times. I cannot let myself backside all the way to where I came from. This has been too positive to lose, so I'm grasping here.

 

[Blondie]

Sorry to hear that @Warhawk88, it happens, and it seems you're seeking the answers so that is good. 243 days is simply amazing and you need to congratulate yourself on that! One day out of 243 is fantastic so look at this as a success story.

With this said, I didn't binge, and what I watched wasn't hard-core porn. It was picture, and not video. I feel I could have set myself back much further had I gone all out. Not that any porn makes it any better, I guess I'm just acknowledging that it could have been worse.

You're absolutely right about this, and you should see it like that as well. It could have been way worse, like my last relapse.

Try to be really on guard the next few days and don't let your mind tell you 'it's okay to look, since you've alreadly slipped'. You've had a relapse but it's a relatively clean one.

Best brother

 

[Warhawk]

Thanks @Blondie.

I am glad I put 243 days between myself and porn, and my goal is to beat that streak, starting today. I am certainly going to stay vigilant, and work to make sure I do not fall back into the trap again, I appreciate that fair warning. I'm also going to stop drinking for now to make sure I am fully in control of myself while I work back to a place of confidence.

I need to re-evaluate a handful of things going on in my life. I will try my best to journal what I'm doing to ensure I learn and grow from this failure.

 

[Androg]

You hard work was not "wasted." Just don't spiral. Sorry about your relationship difficulties.

 

[Warhawk]

You hard work was not "wasted." Just don't spiral. Sorry about your relationship difficulties.

Thanks man. Poor wording on my end out of frustration. It was a waste of the moment, not the time away from porn. And much appreciated. The real thing that will screw up my relationship will be if I do spiral, so I'm going to get myself in line right away. I have to. I can mend the minor relationship arguments, but spiraling back to where I was before would not be sustainable.

 

[jberg]

I'm here this morning getting back to the forum to try to get back to holding myself accountable daily, and making sure this is a one time fuck up, and not an entry to old times. I cannot let myself backside all the way to where I came from. This has been too positive to lose, so I'm grasping here.

Welcome back, and congratulations for jumping right back in! I sometimes have hesitated to do so, because I'm embarrassed about the slip. Thanks for sharing your learning and experience. I appreciated your insight about being able making a real connection with your girlfriend once porn is out of the way.

 

[Warhawk]

@jberg trust me, I am feeling the embarrassment, but I'm trying to use that embarrassment as motivation to get right back on it. As much as it hurt to reset the counter this morning, there was no other option. I screwed up, and I'm here to own that mistake. I should have held myself accountable for poor actions before they lead to this, so hopping back on after the fact will have to be the next best thing. I'm just hoping that this doesn't set me too far back if I get right back at it, because that connection with her is something I've truly learned to value.

 

[Warhawk]

Day 2

Fortunately not feeling any desires to do anything nefarious, like, at all. I'm not feeling like I'm in danger of another immediate failure, just shameful of the one I've just had. I'm also not really remembering my slip up very well either. I remember random wet dreams better than this. Hopefully that's a good thing?

One thing I will note is that I've had a notable brain fog for the past three weeks or so, and I'm not really sure what's driving it. I've been sleeping well, and fairly active, but it's hung around. Perhaps I'm in a mental slump overall, I'm just not sure where exactly it's rooted if so. Perhaps it's just alergies. I really don't know. I'm trying to be aware of it, and consider possible origins that I'm overlooking, so I can get back to a clear head as soon as I can.

 

[Warhawk]

Day 3

Doing good and staying busy. Trying to change up the scenery a bit, so found some time to get outdoors near a local creek with a friend yesterday, and then met with a few other friends for dinner after that. Got a good night's rest, and am ready to cap my work week and get to my weekend plans.

 

[Warhawk]

Day 4

I'm starting to get over my internal shame of relapsing. That doesn't mean I don't care, it just means I'm finding it useless to beat myself up over it. It needs to be a learning experience.

I was chatting with a buddy who is several months departed from nicotine, and he explained that he had quit on "X" date, but had had a couple times along the way where he'd slipped up and smoked a cigarette, but got right back to it. He didn't reset his quit date to his relapse date, just acknowledged that he'd had a few slips, but was going strong overall. Given my particular situation, I found this thought process interesting, and I had the same thought process when I'd quit nicotine years and years ago. It's interesting how we do day counts when quitting porn as if they indicate the absolute start of our journey, as many times they do not.

I think on the surface it can feel shameful to lose a day count, and I could see how one could spiral after resetting that count because in their head they're "starting over again anyway", and I think that after spiraling out of control, like I have done many times in the past, we do start from the very bottom of recovery, mentally. In the example with my buddy, he never paid any thought to a day count, just that he was quitting, knew when that journey became official, and accepted that he'd hit a few obstacles along the way. Had he gone back to a pack a day after those initially minor obstacles, I'm sure his quit date would reflect differently, but he didn't, and that's the defining moment of the example, and his internal quitting period.

Anyway, I intend to keep my day count in line with my last relapse because thats important to me for my own accountability here, I'm just expressing a thought of interest I'd had during a random discussion, because I think its relevant to our mental states when we relapse, and this discussion offered a bigger picture view of recovery, to me . I do feel like June of 2022 I was at absolute rock bottom, and thats when my best efforts of towards porn recovery began, and I don't think I'll forget that unless I were to really go south again, and only time can tell where things go from here.

I'm off to start the weekend. I have a full day of fun outdoors planned with my girl, and we may link up with a few friends along the way. It should be a good time.