Warhawk
Active Member
I am making this journal because I wanted a place to be able to post when I am having tough times, and want to be able to track my progress. I am not really sure how much I will use this forum, if I'm honest, but being in the first few days of a reboot, which are the hardest (figuratively not literally), I'm seeking some sort of lifeline to help get me through.
A bit on my background. I am a full blown porn addict. I am 34 years old, and have been watching porn since I was around 10, when my family got our first computer. I remember discovering the beginnings of internet porn then, and it was a thrill to me, and I have been sucked in ever since. I've had my ups and downs over the years. Of course, given the time period, there were periods of time in which I wasn't watching porn every day, because smartphones were not a thing when I was a teen, so porn use was sporadic, though still something that I would binge on when I ended up at home between parties, etc. In my teens, I really didn't understand the damage that porn would be doing, but I did have a few occurrences with girls where I had performance anxiety, which at the time, I didn't really put together that it was likely due to my brain already being roadblocked by my porn addiction. As a result, my confidence took a serious blow, which made it only easier to turn to porn, since porn never cared if I had issues getting it up (though I never have with porn)
Fast forward to my late 20's. At this point, I have made the connection that porn is causing harm to me. It is causing PIED, and is hurting the relationship with my long term partner, who is still with me today. At this time, I've discovered "yourbrainonporn" and reddit's "NO FAP" community, though I never got involved, just read up frequently. I started working on overcoming porn addiction on my own at this point, and I had varied levels of success, always ending up in relapse. I continued to struggle. My PIED was getting worse, but I was still able to perform to some degree at times, though I knew I was going downhill.
A couple years ago, I finally broke my silence. I was fed up, and decided I was going to let my partner in on my addiction, and look to her an an accountability partner. This was a very awkward experience at the time, and it really led to an awkward period of time for a bit. She knew what I was working on going through. I was honest when I would relapse, but we would still try to work through it. I had much better successes, and at one point, I felt that I had finally kicked porn for good.
Unfortunately, this period did come to an end within the year, though it was likely my most successful run to date. Her and I have been together for 15 years now, and I think trying to be adventurous led me down a slippery slope, and opened up my mind to things that made it easier to get closer to porn. We had been having lots of really healthy sex, and my PIED seemed to be gone, but one night we had had some drinks, and she went to bed after we had sex, and I craved more. I broke the barrier, watched porn, and was back to binging again very shortly thereafter. I was disappointed. I know she is disappointed. We didn't even talk about it. Our sex life became distant once again, and she knows exactly why that it. It's my fault. It's my addiction, and lack of control.
As of the past year or so, I have been leaning onto medication to get erections. I do not get them on my own any more. I'm not 100% sure if she's aware, but she must be. The sex is infrequent. I don't have much direct drive, but if she indicates that she wants to have sex, I am always able to make some excuse as to why I can't be home for 30 minutes, or have a quick errand to run. I take my pills discretely, then come back. I feel pathetic. I know I'm better than this. I know she deserves better than this. I am grateful for the fact that she's been with me so long, but know I'll lose her eventually to this if I don't get it together. If I don't, we're still doomed to a non-spontaneous love life that causes me more shame than joy, and while we don't speak about it, I'm positive she knows what's going on here, and feels the same.
So, this brings me to today. I have not PMO for 2 days, which is nothing to be proud of yet, especially given my history of failures. I have been putting serious thought into this again for the past few weeks, building myself up. "You can finally do this" "You HAVE to do this". These thoughts are obviously always paired with thoughts of self-doubt, since I've failed so many times in the past. Tonight I sought out some of the same info on porn addiction that I have in the past, as it's a good motivator for the first week, which has always been tough for me, and I came across this forum in the process. I thought, "perhaps it's time to do something different this time". I want to expand on the things that have brought me varied levels of success in the past. One of those things will be to document my struggles here. Another thing that I haven't done in the past, is to uninstall instagram from my phone. The app creates too much digital sexual excitement due to women posting such revealing photographs and reels. I also plan on staying off of other socials more, exercising more, and eating better.
Anyway, I'm here now. Getting this story out has made me feel a bit better, even. At this point, I keep telling myself that I can do this, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a bit (lot) of doubt in my mind accompanying this thought. Either way, I am going to do the best that I can with it, and I know I've had great streaks before, and the only thing keeping me from such a streak (and hopefully permanent success) is myself. I'm going to do the best I can to keep up here with this, but I'll be honest, I'm torn on how I feel about actively being a part of a forum like this. My hope for success is to keep it out of my mind altogether, and I'm not sure if regularly visiting a forum on the subject directly this will help, so I think this may be more of a place for me to go get a grasp on things when I'm feeling like I may relapse if I don't. I would also love to revisit this in 2 years and provide an update that I'm no longer sick with addiction, and that I'm better, and that you can do it too. I am not sure exactly how I will use this tool, but I hope to make use of it, if it makes sense to.
I know the cure is possible. I've been there, I just didn't stay there, but it was awesome, and I want nothing more then to be back to feeling free from this addiction again. Anyway, thanks for being a resource for me, and I promise to use it to help keep me on track. I also wish success to anyone else who may have a similar story.
A bit on my background. I am a full blown porn addict. I am 34 years old, and have been watching porn since I was around 10, when my family got our first computer. I remember discovering the beginnings of internet porn then, and it was a thrill to me, and I have been sucked in ever since. I've had my ups and downs over the years. Of course, given the time period, there were periods of time in which I wasn't watching porn every day, because smartphones were not a thing when I was a teen, so porn use was sporadic, though still something that I would binge on when I ended up at home between parties, etc. In my teens, I really didn't understand the damage that porn would be doing, but I did have a few occurrences with girls where I had performance anxiety, which at the time, I didn't really put together that it was likely due to my brain already being roadblocked by my porn addiction. As a result, my confidence took a serious blow, which made it only easier to turn to porn, since porn never cared if I had issues getting it up (though I never have with porn)
Fast forward to my late 20's. At this point, I have made the connection that porn is causing harm to me. It is causing PIED, and is hurting the relationship with my long term partner, who is still with me today. At this time, I've discovered "yourbrainonporn" and reddit's "NO FAP" community, though I never got involved, just read up frequently. I started working on overcoming porn addiction on my own at this point, and I had varied levels of success, always ending up in relapse. I continued to struggle. My PIED was getting worse, but I was still able to perform to some degree at times, though I knew I was going downhill.
A couple years ago, I finally broke my silence. I was fed up, and decided I was going to let my partner in on my addiction, and look to her an an accountability partner. This was a very awkward experience at the time, and it really led to an awkward period of time for a bit. She knew what I was working on going through. I was honest when I would relapse, but we would still try to work through it. I had much better successes, and at one point, I felt that I had finally kicked porn for good.
Unfortunately, this period did come to an end within the year, though it was likely my most successful run to date. Her and I have been together for 15 years now, and I think trying to be adventurous led me down a slippery slope, and opened up my mind to things that made it easier to get closer to porn. We had been having lots of really healthy sex, and my PIED seemed to be gone, but one night we had had some drinks, and she went to bed after we had sex, and I craved more. I broke the barrier, watched porn, and was back to binging again very shortly thereafter. I was disappointed. I know she is disappointed. We didn't even talk about it. Our sex life became distant once again, and she knows exactly why that it. It's my fault. It's my addiction, and lack of control.
As of the past year or so, I have been leaning onto medication to get erections. I do not get them on my own any more. I'm not 100% sure if she's aware, but she must be. The sex is infrequent. I don't have much direct drive, but if she indicates that she wants to have sex, I am always able to make some excuse as to why I can't be home for 30 minutes, or have a quick errand to run. I take my pills discretely, then come back. I feel pathetic. I know I'm better than this. I know she deserves better than this. I am grateful for the fact that she's been with me so long, but know I'll lose her eventually to this if I don't get it together. If I don't, we're still doomed to a non-spontaneous love life that causes me more shame than joy, and while we don't speak about it, I'm positive she knows what's going on here, and feels the same.
So, this brings me to today. I have not PMO for 2 days, which is nothing to be proud of yet, especially given my history of failures. I have been putting serious thought into this again for the past few weeks, building myself up. "You can finally do this" "You HAVE to do this". These thoughts are obviously always paired with thoughts of self-doubt, since I've failed so many times in the past. Tonight I sought out some of the same info on porn addiction that I have in the past, as it's a good motivator for the first week, which has always been tough for me, and I came across this forum in the process. I thought, "perhaps it's time to do something different this time". I want to expand on the things that have brought me varied levels of success in the past. One of those things will be to document my struggles here. Another thing that I haven't done in the past, is to uninstall instagram from my phone. The app creates too much digital sexual excitement due to women posting such revealing photographs and reels. I also plan on staying off of other socials more, exercising more, and eating better.
Anyway, I'm here now. Getting this story out has made me feel a bit better, even. At this point, I keep telling myself that I can do this, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a bit (lot) of doubt in my mind accompanying this thought. Either way, I am going to do the best that I can with it, and I know I've had great streaks before, and the only thing keeping me from such a streak (and hopefully permanent success) is myself. I'm going to do the best I can to keep up here with this, but I'll be honest, I'm torn on how I feel about actively being a part of a forum like this. My hope for success is to keep it out of my mind altogether, and I'm not sure if regularly visiting a forum on the subject directly this will help, so I think this may be more of a place for me to go get a grasp on things when I'm feeling like I may relapse if I don't. I would also love to revisit this in 2 years and provide an update that I'm no longer sick with addiction, and that I'm better, and that you can do it too. I am not sure exactly how I will use this tool, but I hope to make use of it, if it makes sense to.
I know the cure is possible. I've been there, I just didn't stay there, but it was awesome, and I want nothing more then to be back to feeling free from this addiction again. Anyway, thanks for being a resource for me, and I promise to use it to help keep me on track. I also wish success to anyone else who may have a similar story.