Day 32
It's been a good couple days overall, but I've had a few challenges. I definitely feel my boredom on weekends if I have nothing to do, but I'm doing my best to use it to motivate myself to do something to stay busy. In the past I could just watch porn and TV all day. Now that I'm looking back at it, I can see what an absolute waste of time that was. I've had more time on my hands than I even realized, and I intend to be more productive with it. It's just weird realizing how much time I really have on my weekends, and the challenge is finding healthy things to do with that time.
I did have one lapse in judgement today. Nothing came of it, but I was scrolling on Facebook and a video with a girl in bikini came on that caught my attention. Admittedly, she had that "pornstar" look to her, and the video was extremely revealing. I was like a hypnotized cartoon character for a minute, full trance, zombified, eyes swirling, and just watched it. Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get what I'm getting at. Finally it hit me, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was not just admiring her, I was lusting for her, and that's exactly the type of behavior I'm trying to break. It made me feel very silly to have succumbed to such a video at this point. Fortunately, this didn't cause me too much distress, I didn't feel that I had any inkling to MO because of the trigger. I just broke my attention, put the phone down, and got back to work. The occurrence definitely made me feel vulnerable and kind of embarrassed though if I'm honest. I felt really stupid, like I had driven 150mph with no seatbelt. I may have made it through today, but it was risky and reckless in the moment.
I'm going to consider todays silly situation a learning experience, and work on making sure that I am more aware of triggers, and break away from them right away if I encounter them. I need to take actions I'm proud of, not actions I feel wrong for. The silver lining today is that, once I broke free and identified my stupid behavior, I felt fine. I did not feel tempted. I also think it's important to me to journal this occurrence, so I can feel like I'm being accountable here regarding my actions on this journey, good or bad.