Day 73
This quest certainly has it's ups and downs, and it's scary how fast things can go south. I had a moment of weakness last night.
I am feeling an overwhelming level of sex drive the past few days, and last night the lady was already asleep, and I was just hanging out and winding down for the day. I was scrolling through Facebook and the "reels" came up with some very suggestive videos of some girls, and I watched one, then another, and before I knew it I had scrolled through more than I knew was appropriate. Part of me knew this wasn't good, and I kept at it for a bit. I was seeking. Finally, I was able to snap out of it, and pull myself away, block "reels" from my feed again, and then I had to take a moment to really internally scream at myself for following this dopamine trail in the opposite direction of where I want to be headed. I felt really stupid in that moment, guilty, and shamed, and decided it was best to just try to go get to sleep to get away from it all, which I did.
It really is a shame that there is no place to truly get away from this type of imagery online. Blocking Instagram was an easy move for me, because I really don't use it for connections with family or friends, and really have only ever used it to follow and look at slutty women online, so it was easy to get rid of because it brought zero value to me. Facebook is one I am having a little more trouble with because I use it to maintain connections with people in my personal life. To add, I am in a TON of hobby and interest groups that I get great value from. I used to be a big forum guy many years ago, but they just don't exist much any more, and most all of the active information has come over to Facebook groups. In this reboot, I have made a point to leave any groups that included "adult" content, and really clean it up. I have also been using the "hide" option on "reels" as it comes back up. The problem is, this "hide" is temporary, and it's only a matter of time before it comes back, and I have to choose to hide it again. I clearly became lax on this again, hence this situation. Since hiding it again last night, it's gone from my feed again. I don't want to have to hide from this stuff my whole life. I want to learn to control myself. I am not sure that I'm ready to commit to breaking away from Facebook forever like I did Instagram, but I'm trying to consider if I need to, because this has been one thing that has caught me up a few different times in this reboot. I want to feel strong enough to control myself enough to be able to use social media responsibly, but fuck ups like this leave me feeling uneasy about it, and the last thing I want to do is fail here, as I feel like I'm making decent progress otherwise
I am annoyed because, while I was able to break away, it took me much longer than it should have to do so. I shouldn't have clicked on the video in the first place. I'm not counting this as a reset here, because though it was revealing women, it wasn't porn, and I didn't masturbate, but I am counting it as dangerous fucking behavior, and am pissed off at myself for it. This is exactly the type of action that leads down the path of failure, and that has to be unacceptable for me.
Ultimately I knew it was only right to post here, explain myself, and accept accountability for a moment of weakness. I am feeling shame for it, and I promise to work on being better.