Day 82
Last night my lady and I got a good chance to sit down and work some things out. She admitted that she's felt a bit underappreciated, and I admitted that I knew it was really all my fault. While we've talked about the porn addiction in the past, and even somewhat recently, we've never really dove as deep as I'd like to have, so that's what we did last night. First things first, I took full ownership of the sexual neglect from my end, but felt it only right to explain in more detail what I was going through, what I'm doing to fix it, and what my goals were, short term and long term. I was able to really explain how porn addiction had affected me, and what I expected to be going through as we work on rebuilding our sexual relationship and closeness. I think was really eye opening to her to get a better understanding of what this addiction really is, and what I was doing about it, and why. Really, it's all about her and me, and that's what's important to me, and what keeps me motivated. It was a tough discussion, but relieving to really get it all out there and expose my vulnerabilities in more transparency than I have to this point.
The difference between this discussion and previous ones, was this time I really tried to take what I have learned about porn addiction, and really make sure that she truly understood how deep this thing can run in people, and myself. I feel like in the past I've maybe held back on how hardcore it had affected me, perhaps because I didn't want to admit it, even to myself. This time, I put it all out there. I didn't want her to have any confusion or misunderstanding of what I have been going through, or may still go through. It's embarrassing, really, but it's also reality, and it's only fair for her to know everything I could possible share.
In the end, my perception was that she was relieved to have had the discussion, and she seems really supportive of where I am with this, and where I'm headed. I think she also accepted my ownership of lack of attention to her. Ultimately, she actually seemed quite happy to know that I was doing all of this for us, because I know how lucky I am to have not lost her yet, though she states that she's never even considered our relationship any level of failure, nor did she ever see herself without me. I really am lucky, but I will not take that for granted, because people never plan to change how they feel, it just happens.
The discussion lead to us having sex, which was very connected and intimate, then really just enjoying each other the rest of the night, which was great, and something I think both of us needed, and need more of.