I want to succeed at this as bad as I want to breathe

Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Good to hear you're getting over your shame @Warhawk88, shame for the most part, does NOT help us in the end.

I think your friend is right about seeing recovery in a more holistic sense, and thinking about it from the the day you actually started, more than necessarily going only by the streaks themselves. This is definitely one of those semi "contradictions" of recovery, where it's easy to get lost on either side of the argument, and lose the forest for the trees. Both your streaks and you initial date are important, and are indicators of your overall improvement, but focusing on one more than the other can cause problems.

I also say I quit porn almost five years ago, April 24th 2018 to be exact. However, I've had about a month's worth of relapses since that date, but in general, I've been clean the entire time. There is a considerable difference between the man B.Q.P and the man A.P. (before quitting porn, after porn), who looked at porn like it was a normal day occurrence. Although it hasn't been a perfect streak, my life has considerably changed for the better, and thus, I still keep that date. However, if my life had not considerably changed from that date forward, then yes, I would probably have a hard time acting like it was the official date of no return. It would create too much cognitive dissonance to say that truthfully.

Thinking in black and white here will kill you in the end. On one hand you have to go by your intuition but yet on the other, you can't lie to yourself.

Congrats on jumping back on the bandwagon.

Have a great porn-free weekend.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Thanks @Blondie, and great insights. The topic really just caught my attention because I feel like in the past, I'd hit a relapse, and completely lose sight of the bigger picture. At that moment, it was a "zero" and I'd "lost everything" so I'd just go right back to the cycle of porn abuse and binging, and it took until I got here on RN to understand that cycle and mindset.

Day 5

Since relapse, I think I've done well in keeping to my goals, knowing boundaries, and keeping focus. I just need to make sure I maintain that focus. Fortunately I'm not feeling any porn urges at all. I'm just keeping busy. Had an amazing day yesterday, and have a fairly busy day ahead of myself today too, getting ahead of chores around the house, etc.

On that note, I'm off to my Sunday.
 
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Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 7

Had sex yesterday, and it was excellent. Definitely a good morale booster to not feel like I've lost that ability on both a level of connection, as well as physical functionality. The past several months we've been having sex a few times a week, but there are periods where we're just busy as can be, and that's been the case this past week, and I needed that period to get out of my head anyway. I also intentionally didn't initiate anything this past week, because frankly, I didn't feel I deserved to do so. Yesterday we both got home, and we both just fell right into it naturally, together, and that felt right.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 9

It's a stressful work week, and I'm busy as can be. I've got super early starts today and tomorrow, and I really didn't get the sleep I'd like to have last night, so I'm going to do my best to be in bed early tonight so I don't go two consecutive days with poor sleep. I'm hanging in there, though.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 10

Happy that it's Friday, just because work has been tough this week. I had sex again last night and happy that I'm not struggling in that area at this time. Also, got a full night of sleep last night, so I'm grateful for that. Overall, starting my Friday positively, and hoping to maintain that.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 11

This week was stressful for a variety of reasons, but it's always nice to get to the end of a stress period feeling accomplished, and I certainly did this week. I'm taking today to do some relaxing, and focus on home a bit.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 14

Things seem to be going well. We're having sex every few days. My dick is working as it should. I'm not feeling bothered by urges. I think I just let things get out of focus right before I relapsed, and getting back here to update daily has helped a ton.

With this said, I dont like the idea of coming on here to say the same thing every day, and I don't think my brain is always focused on specifics related to my reboot. Part of the reason I got away from RN was because I felt I was just saying the same things a different way, repeatedly, or just stuck on the same subject, which kind of bored me. I'm going to take a different and more open approach and just blab about whatever I want to, whether that relates directly to rebooting or not.

I don't think it's healthy to necessarily dwell on the same thing every day if my mind is feeling free enough to not feel bothered by it, but I do think it's important to not get too far out of touch. I think I can find balance in that by treating this as more of an open journal, rather than just a reboot/sex journal, as really, that is only a small fraction of my life anyway. This way it keeps me as open as I want to be, but close enough to be reminded of my long term goal of being rid of porn forever.

Perhaps there is a time to put distance between myself and RN, but being that I fell off just before day 250, I think it's better to be cautious and play this longer than last time, however long that may be. Who knows, maybe I'll be here in 10 years. If that's what it takes, then that's what I'll do.

Just thinking out loud here.

Today is going great so far, and I am optimistic that it's going to be a great week overall. I'm ready to get at it.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 15

This week is going so much better than last. It's amazing what a minor difference in sleep quality does for me. I have peers that routinely work on 4-6 hours of sleep, and handle it just fine. I used to be able to do that years ago, but I've found my mental health degrades rapidly these days if I lack sleep. This week, I've slept as much as I could ask for, and my mood is significantly more elevated.

A few months back someone brought sleep hygiene to my attention, and while I'd heard the term, and had followed some principals of it, I really started to read deeper into it after that discussion, and I made some subtle changes that have had a significant impact, for me. While I have ups and downs, particularly with changes in work, my overall sleep quality is leaps and bounds better than it was only a few months ago.

With that, I have a great day ahead of me, and I'm feeling like I'm in the groove, ready for anything.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 17

Had some cravings last night that caught me off guard. I was able to keep it under control, but it's certainly not an appreciated feeling. I think I need to start looking at my hobbies again, and I want something simple to tinker with late at night that I can do on my own, doesn't make much noise, and can be cut short as soon as I feel sleepy. It would just be really nice to have something I can jump right into when cravings, or even just general life anxiety, kick in. I have a ton of hobbies, but most include power tools, or a lengthier commitment, and just get too involved for late at night. Fortunately, I have a few ideas already, so I may get creative this week in trying some things that keep me busy when I need it.

Of course, it's Saint Patrick's day today, and I don't intend to go get involved with anything related to that tonight. I think we're going to try to hit a good hike this evening instead. I have good plans with family through the weekend too, so looking forward to that.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 19

Closing out a good weekend. I'm tired today. Started the day by walking 6 miles since the weather was great. Got home and got busy with the lady, then we went to a handful of thrift stores seeking some cool stuff for the house. One shop was huge, and it was a ton more walking. I feel tired, but good. Good day to turn work off and just enjoy the day. Ready to hit bed and get at the upcoming week.
 
Warhawk

Warhawk

Active Member
Day 21

More vivid dreams last night, and it kept waking me up. Fortunately, I got to bed early, so I think I got a good full sleep overall. I still feel rested, despite waking up several times. In doing some reading, this seems to be common with exercise changes, which I've recently undergone. Now that I know that, I'll just have to do my best to get to bed early when I'm going for longer walks or hikes to make sure I get a full rest.

Otherwise, all is well. The weather has been great, and my attitude has matched it. Hoping to keep the good energy moving forward.
 
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