bshaughnessy
New Member
New to RN and starting my journal.
Heard about RN via a mensgroup.com podcast and decided to check it out. Was convinced pretty quickly that I need to treat my situation like an addiction and take appropriate steps.
Short background story --
I'm 45 and I've struggled off and on with porn for years, mostly because of marriage difficulties. I'm in a committed and loving marriage for 20yrs (though we've had a few rocky years), but our sexual relationship has always been a significant area of struggle for me. I'd sum it up by saying my wife has never really had any sexual drive and I'm the type of guy who needs to know he's wanted. Since that's never really happened (feeling wanted), we have a pretty passionless marriage. I don't initiate because I don't deal well with rejection and don't like feeling like I'm asking her for a favor or something. She does initiate sometimes and I know she appreciates the closeness of intimacy, but there's no excitement involved. I enjoy it -- but it isn't what I crave. Part of the problem is also that she only "sort of" orgasms using a vibrator: she doesn't like manual stimulation, doesn't really like oral, and always seems to have some level of discomfort with penetration. So I've pretty much given up being able to please her, and as a consequence don't even want to have sex most of the time -- I feel selfish climaxing knowing she won't, and so would rather not even have sex.
At this point I actively avoid sex without letting her know. That's not particularly hard to do, as we typically only have sex once a month during a short window when she seems to have a peak level of interest. Most of the time I'm depressed after sex. I know that at this point there's a mess going on in my head, and I've constructed well-developed story lines that are not entirely accurate but are also the product of years of experiences. I also realize some of those story lines are defense mechanisms.
I try to convince myself that I don't like or want sex, and focus on suppressing my libido as a way to cope. But that has minimal success and is where porn enters the picture. When I hunger for a sexual outlet, or want to fantasize about what I would want in a relationship (as it relates to sex) -- I turn to porn. It seems safe in ways. I convince myself that it's not impacting my relationship with my wife, since there's minimal sex there anyway.
But I feel like shit after PMO, and I definitely have had focus problems. Plus, I know that PMO just keeps me wanting more. If I'm really serious about suppressing libido, porn definitely isn't helping. I also want to be in a place where I can enjoy intimacy with my wife, even if it isn't what I really want it to be.
So here is day 1 of my reboot.
Heard about RN via a mensgroup.com podcast and decided to check it out. Was convinced pretty quickly that I need to treat my situation like an addiction and take appropriate steps.
Short background story --
I'm 45 and I've struggled off and on with porn for years, mostly because of marriage difficulties. I'm in a committed and loving marriage for 20yrs (though we've had a few rocky years), but our sexual relationship has always been a significant area of struggle for me. I'd sum it up by saying my wife has never really had any sexual drive and I'm the type of guy who needs to know he's wanted. Since that's never really happened (feeling wanted), we have a pretty passionless marriage. I don't initiate because I don't deal well with rejection and don't like feeling like I'm asking her for a favor or something. She does initiate sometimes and I know she appreciates the closeness of intimacy, but there's no excitement involved. I enjoy it -- but it isn't what I crave. Part of the problem is also that she only "sort of" orgasms using a vibrator: she doesn't like manual stimulation, doesn't really like oral, and always seems to have some level of discomfort with penetration. So I've pretty much given up being able to please her, and as a consequence don't even want to have sex most of the time -- I feel selfish climaxing knowing she won't, and so would rather not even have sex.
At this point I actively avoid sex without letting her know. That's not particularly hard to do, as we typically only have sex once a month during a short window when she seems to have a peak level of interest. Most of the time I'm depressed after sex. I know that at this point there's a mess going on in my head, and I've constructed well-developed story lines that are not entirely accurate but are also the product of years of experiences. I also realize some of those story lines are defense mechanisms.
I try to convince myself that I don't like or want sex, and focus on suppressing my libido as a way to cope. But that has minimal success and is where porn enters the picture. When I hunger for a sexual outlet, or want to fantasize about what I would want in a relationship (as it relates to sex) -- I turn to porn. It seems safe in ways. I convince myself that it's not impacting my relationship with my wife, since there's minimal sex there anyway.
But I feel like shit after PMO, and I definitely have had focus problems. Plus, I know that PMO just keeps me wanting more. If I'm really serious about suppressing libido, porn definitely isn't helping. I also want to be in a place where I can enjoy intimacy with my wife, even if it isn't what I really want it to be.
So here is day 1 of my reboot.
