Radical Nineteen Layers

[Schmuck]

Hi everyone, welcome to my little corner of the web, where I'll be chronicling my attempts at becoming a functional human being. This is actually the 3rd reboot journal that I've created so far while on this journey. The first 2 lasted about 5 months each, and both were followed by a few weeks of a lack of journaling. I wasn't fond of some of the directions that they had taken, for a variety of reasons.

I intend to make this journal a high-quality read, in terms of its helpfulness and cohesiveness and grammar and etc. These standards of mine, coupled with the challenge of thoroughly communicating all of my topical thoughts, can make writing an entry that I'm satisfied with difficult, and thus I often edit my posts several times after making them. I can't let this obstacle get in the way of my motivation to write new entries; writing an imperfect entry is still much more beneficial (to both me and others) than not writing one at all.

There's a lot that I want to say at this early stage of the journal, but I'll start with the most relevant information: the basics of my porn addiction, and some overarching traits of mine.

Overall, I consider my addiction to be less severe than that of the average rebooter. I used to view it as a compulsive behavior rather than an addiction, but my series of relapses that began ~55 days after starting my first journal changed my mind. I haven't viewed anything that was explicitly pornography since October 5th of last year, but I haven't been 100% "clean" during the entirety of this time frame. I've had some instances of viewing porn substitutes, and a bunch of compulsory masturbation sessions that often involve pornographic fantasy. Additionally, there have been more nuanced signs of my reboot shortcomings, like viewing women in too much of a sexual light. So although I've made some progress in this past year, I still have plenty of room to grow.

I'm 22 years old, and I have mild forms of the following: Asperger's, Tourette's, and (more mildly) OCD. I don't shape my identity around having these things, I'm just bringing them up proactively as partial explanations for my actions and thought processes and etc.

 

[Schmuck]

I recognize the importance of creating and pursuing secondary goals for the rebooting process, in order to achieve well-rounded self-improvement. I'll start with the easiest ones of mine to explain: the abstinence goals.

As to be expected, I want to completely avoid pornography and its substitutes, as well as keep my masturbation to a minimum, but I have a few other bad habits that I'd like to can as well. The oldest of them is my tendency to use my fingernails to pick at each other. I developed the habit at a young age as a way to avoid needing to have my fingernails shortened by the dreaded clipper. Eventually I started doing it out of boredom and procrastination and nervousness, to the point where they became unsightly and I was causing myself minor pain. It took me several months until I was able to maintain a lengthy period of abstinence from doing this, but once that period took off it felt like relatively smooth sailing. I've gone back on the behavior lately in this personal time of foolishness, but I'm confident in my ongoing effort to stop.

A similar but more consequential bad habit of mine is skin-picking. I do it for basically the same reasons as the fingernails, but the high is notably stronger. I've messed up my skin due to several years of this reckless behavior.

Like many other young men, I use the Internet and video games more than I should. I don't really play full-fledged games anymore (occasionally making exceptions to play with my friends), and my Internet activity has lessened as my choices of websites and content has shifted, but there's a certain web browser game that I've had an on-and-off hyperfixation for during the last 5 years: Pokémon Showdown. It's more comprehensible to me than many real-world things, and I can "succeed" in it more easily than endeavors of actual value, so naturally the weak part of me is drawn to it. I'm abstaining from that site like I am with the skin/fingernail picking: All 3 things make me feel like a loser. Showdown isn't as bad since it's a legitimate method of having fun, but there are more productive ways of doing so that I have access to. [I don't mean to shame anyone with nerdy hobbies, this is just a problem for me personally because I have yet to get my shit together]

For the most part, I've also been abstaining from the gym lately. I'm paying for my membership, it's only a 10-minute bike ride away, I have the necessary amount of free time almost every day, and my physique is shitty, so obviously I have more than enough reasons to go. My inner weakness is awfully influential, isn't it? It took me awhile to weaken my weakness enough to get the membership in the first place, about 2 months after beginning my first journal. My current lack of commitment to this form of self-improvement is thus making me feel like I'm regressing.

Like I said before, overall I want to stop being such a loser. There are many more ways that I can do so, and I'll get to those later, but these are the most quantifiable ones. Some people would keep a day counter sort of thing for them, and I've done that before myself for some things, but I'd rather not this time around. In the case of the first three secondary goals, I view them as an embarrassment to have to bring up in the first place. As long as I never go back to them, I never have to mention them again. As for my gym attendance, I can mention it during my "standard" journal entries, which I will begin tomorrow. Those entries will be more of a typical journaling experience, but I'll continue to post entries that aren't about how my day went.

 

[Deleted member 29199]

I recognize the importance of creating and pursuing secondary goals for this rebooting process, in order to achieve well-rounded self-improvement. I'll start with the easiest ones to explain: the abstinence goals.

As to be expected, I want to completely avoid pornography and its substitutes, as well as keep my masturbation to a minimum, but I have a few other bad habits that I'd like to can as well. The oldest of them is my tendency to use my fingernails to pick at each other. I developed the habit at a young age as a way to avoid needing to have my fingernails shortened by an actual clipper. Eventually I started doing it out of boredom and procrastination and nervousness, to the point where they became unsightly and I was causing myself minor pain. It took me several months until I was able to maintain a lengthy period of abstinence from doing this, but once that period began it felt like relatively smooth sailing. I've gone back on the behavior lately in this personal time of foolishness, but I'm confident in my ongoing effort to stop.

A similar but more consequential bad habit of mine is skin-picking. I do it for basically the same reasons as the fingernails, but the high is definitely stronger. I've messed up my skin due to several years of this reckless behavior.

Like many other young men, I use the Internet and video games more than I should. I don't really play full-fledged games anymore, and my Internet activity has lessened as my choices of websites and content has shifted, but there's a certain web browser game that I've had an on-and-off hyperfixation for during the last 5 years: Pokémon Showdown. It's more comprehensible to me than many real-world things, and I can "succeed" in it more easily than endeavors of actual value, so naturally the weak part of me is drawn to it. I'm abstaining from that site like I am with the skin/fingernail picking: All 3 things make me feel like a loser. Showdown isn't as bad since it's a legitimate method of having fun, but there are more productive ways of doing so that I have access to.

For the most part, I've also been abstaining from the gym lately. I'm paying for my membership, it's a<10 minute bike ride away, I have the necessary amount of free time almost every day, and my physique is shitty, so obviously I have more than enough reasons to go. My inner weakness is awfully influential, isn't it? It took me awhile to weaken my weakness enough to get the membership in the first place, about 2 months after beginning my first journal. My current lack of commitment to this form of self-improvement is thus making me feel like I'm regressing.

Like I said before, overall I want stop being such a loser. There are many more ways that I can do so, and I'll get to those later, but these are the most quantifiable ones. Some people would keep a day counter sort of thing for them, and I've done that before myself for some things, but I'd rather not this time around. In the case of the first three secondary goals, I view them as an embarrassment to have to bring up in the first place. Therefore, as long as I never go back to them, I never have to mention them again. As for my gym attendance, I can mention it during my "standard" journal entries, which I will begin tomorrow. Those entries will be more of a typical journaling experience, but I'll continue to post entries that aren't about how my day went.

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have some habits like that. Take it easy and do one thing at a time so you're not at risk of getting overwhelmed. Good luck in being a better person because I take it from reading this journal that's what your primary goal is. And it makes sense. We're all trying to get a little better here aren't we.

 

[Schmuck]

My urges to relapse on porn and/or masturbation have been weaker today, compared to the last week or so. When they do occasionally emerge, the accountability aspect of this journal is effective at disarming them. The journal, however, is just one of my many lines of defense. I've told some people in my life about my porn addiction (mainly my parents, friends, and coworkers), so I'm blessed with having the support of others on my side. One of my friends is even an accountability partner of sorts, who has been sober from porn herself for a few years now. As for my other defenses, I'm aware of dozens of reasons why consuming porn is a net negative for me (and practically everyone else too). And it's not just about how the consumer is personally affected; the immorality of the porn industry is another major incentive to abstain from their content. That's a factor that I feel is often overlooked and underutilized in these sorts of communities. I'll elaborate on how it's immoral later, uh, just take my word for it.
[Masturbation isn't hindered as much by these forces, but that's OK considering that it's a far more acceptable action to me personally compared to viewing porn]

The gym session that I ended up doing after a bit of procrastination went fairly well. I didn't feel too rusty, and that rustiness will surely decline as I continue to go. Additionally, as I gain competence in the exercises, I will master the art of not looking at women in public spaces unless necessary. I feel like I do a fairly good job of it already, but there's certainly room for improvement.

I believe that my past porn consumption and unhealthy sexual mindsets may have temporarily hindered my sense of creativity, so it's nice to see instances of it re-emerging. Today's idea was just a shitty grindset meme, but hey it's something.



The Falkland Islands, another subject that will need to be elaborated on later. I have plenty of writing to do...

 

[Schmuck]

I'm a member of a pay-to-participate porn addiction recovery Discord server. We have 3 weekly meeting times, one of which I can usually attend and another I can consistently attend every other week. One of those meetings was today, and I chose to attend it for the first time in a couple of weeks. Similar to the gym, I was paying for an opportunity that I was consciously not making the most of. During the meeting, I was once again reminded of the temporary nature of being in good health, as a fellow member discussed how he likely won't be able to do sports for a matter of years due to a recent injury. How long do I have until I seriously injure myself at work, or get into an accident while on my bicycle, or who knows what else? How much will I have accomplished by then? Not enough, far from it. I've already learned this lesson dozens of times before, maybe if it happens again another twenty or so times I'll actually begin living.

This was one of those workdays that involved enough physical labor to make going to the gym later unnecessary (based on my own criteria). I prefer for the gym to fulfill this role considering how much better it is for my body compared to the often awkward and suboptimal tasks of the workplace, but obviously that's just how jobs are sometimes.

I failed at a previously unmentioned goal last night: I went to bed too late. Getting a healthy amount of sleep is one of the most universally applicable goals out there, and in my case I practically always have the opportunity to fulfill it. There's that word again, opportunity. My history of squandering them is extensive, to say the least.

 

[Schmuck]

Wow, what an awful day for my reboot. Three masturbation relapses, all of which were centered around porn substitutes. I rarely had three sessions in a single day during my porn-consuming days, what a regression. I've been having an abundance of various negative thoughts lately, and their influence grew even stronger today, so as my hope in making something of myself and my faith in the world both weakened I gave in. The arousal was triggered by a humor-focused website that I had been browsing that contains some sexual stuff; I was using the site as a sort of replacement for all of the other forms of entertainment that I've given up for this journey, as if it's any better for me than those are (clearly it's not). I'm not going back there again.

As for why my faith in the world is so vulnerable; I'll refrain from posting lengthy paragraphs about it since they'd be pretty depressing and not really what this website is intended for, instead I'll just keep it short and simple: I have a difficult time forgetting about the injustices of the world.

Now is a decent time to explain my interests in the Falkland Islands, since it ties into the "making something of myself" part. I heard about them two years ago from the original version of the British political satire show Spitting Image, which I found via YouTube recommendations. This kickstarted an interest in late-twentieth-century UK politics, which resulted in me learning about them from more educational resources. I had a particular interest in the Falkland Islands and Northern Ireland; the latter was mainly because of The Troubles, but the former's appeal was less definable. At some point, I developed an interest in moving to the islands, as a way to start my life over.

I have a strange (and sometimes hindering) tendency to destroy my progress on something and restart it. For example, I've done it with miscellaneous projects, my teambuilder on Showdown, video game save files, and (like I mentioned before) my reboot journals. I convince myself that it can be done better, and that the inferior attempt must be erased first. I feel like it ties into my OCD, as well as my reoccurring negativity.

Obviously moving to a foreign country by yourself at a stage in life where you don't even feel like a full-fledged adult is a bad idea, and it's not like the Falkland Islands would be a very ideal location for me. There's no upper education over there, so the female young adult population is likely very small. Coupled with the already miniscule population of the islands, I would have a very difficult time finding love. I'm capable of developing feelings for older women, but how possible would it be for me to form a relationship with one considering how difficult forming one with women who are around my own age has been? And how many women down there are single to begin with?

There's a relatively local woman who I started talking to two months ago, but I feel like I fucked things up and that she doesn't want me anymore. Sometimes I think to myself that if she makes it clear that we're done I should begin preparing to leave my current life behind. Now don't get me wrong I'm grateful for my amazing family and my real-life friends, and I recognize that in the grand scheme of things my job is a good one; but sometimes I want to live somewhere other than the same house with the same people of the last 20 years, and I want to be free from a job that I'm disliking more and more as the days go by.

I have an admittedly naïve belief that if I were to start over somewhere, my attitude and lifestyle would improve dramatically. I would view things in a more positive light, I'd make eye contact and conversation with people more often, I'd take better care of myself, etc. Why don't I just do these things now in my current environment? Well, time for another branch in this sprawling post...

I have a semi-subconscious agenda to make myself an outcast with a questionable mental state. The desire to feel "special" (for better or for worse) feels like it's coded into me, but there was a major environmental factor that fueled this self-destructive mentality as well. For six years I browsed what I consider to be one of the most unhealthy websites of its size. It was an anonymous forum that had an atmosphere of infectious negativity. Being an impressionable teenager, it influenced me for the worse. The most impactful form of this was how gatekeeping was often done essentially on the basis of how much of a loser you were, and instead of doing the reasonable thing and staying away from these miserable people who didn't even care about me I felt a desire to fit in with them. I stopped browsing the site nearly a year ago, and doing so has proven to be the right choice. This agenda of mine is also fueled by some other things of course, such as an interest in how it affects my creative side, being trapped within irony, and partial disinterest in participating in society due to the injustices that were previously alluded to.

…Well, it's a good thing that I can't just spontaneously drive off into the sunset, since I don't even have a driver's license. Loserdom has its perks sometimes.

 

[Schmuck]

[This is an instance of what I refer to as a "post-midnight post", meaning that it was uploaded in the very early hours of the day but is written as if it's still the previous one. By making note of this, I prevent the automated post date from being misleading]

Today went better than yesterday, but it still wasn't ideal.

I had urges as early as the first hour of being awake, which has happened many times before. I ignored them and carried on with my morning routine.

My addict side played a cunning trick on me today, one of its most impressive near-achievements so far. Near the end of my workday I went to the bathroom because I thought that I had to pee. I ended up not actually having to, which isn't too unusual of an occurrence. But as if I had lost control of myself; I pulled out my phone, paused my music, opened my web browser, and began searching for something...

I had a favorite porn actress back in the day, and she's managed to still stand out during my rebooting process. She was among the most common of my porn-inspired masturbation fantasies, she was featured in some of my 13 porn relapses, and I would sometimes use her to personify my addiction (mainly by imagining her trying to seduce me into giving in). I wouldn't consider it an obsession (it wasn't that intense), instead I like to think of it as a twisted sporadic unwanted one-sided "relationship". I thought that I had "broken up" with her several months ago, but today's bathroom event has called that into question...

The porn substitutes that I resorted to yesterday were pictures of clothed women, but were clearly gathered for the purpose of being sexualized. One of the images that I happened to notice was of her, not one of her best but it still had an impact on me. So while I was in the bathroom at work I began to search for more clothed pictures of her, as if that was the correct way to resolve this. I didn't look through "Images" on the web browser because obviously there would be plenty of nudity in those, and after a minute or so I concluded that that the one image on her Wikipedia page and the one random forum post were all that I would be getting. Realizing how idiotic I was being not only with the feebleness of my search but also the fact that I shouldn't be searching for any content like that AT ALL, I went back to work.

One of the reasons why she lost significance to me over time was because my memory of what she looked like and the sound of her voice weakened with time. No Brain, I don't need to be reminded of those things.

Later while at home, I gave in to an extent once again by masturbating with no visual aid. This happened while I was in my bedroom in the midst of my free time, which over the years I've subconsciously conditioned myself to view as the prime opportunity. I had already learned first-hand that masturbation is less enjoyable the more frequently you do it, and without a porn substitute to distract me this time this lesson was easier to learn once again. Shortly afterwards I took the easy route by falling asleep very early, not having to deal with the dangerous thoughts for a few hours.

I did manage to fit in 1 productive thing amidst this nonsense. Shortly after getting home from work, I went to the hardware store to look for a better pair of music-playing headphones. I had bought my current pair from the same store well over a year ago, but my satisfaction of them had been dwindling for some time. My workplace can be maddeningly loud, and hearing protection can only do so much. And when you're in a situation where you're not wearing any (like if you need to talk to a coworker or if you just arrived), holy shit. There was only 1 other music-playing pair available, and it's in the same "class" as my current pair, but I bought it anyways because at this point it's well worth the risk. I'd much rather lose money than lose hearing.

[In this journal, I'll refer to reoccurring characters by codenames. The woman who I've been sort-of talking to will be the first instance of this, and her name will be "Aurora"]
I received a text back from Aurora today, and it reinforced the unfortunate status of how things are going between us. I don't really feel comfortable explaining things in detail, instead I'll summarize it like this: It's sparse and far from ideal, but I still like her, and because of that and some other reasons I don't want to leave her. It's actually pretty funny how she's the first woman who I've ever really "talked to", and because of a bunch of different factors she seems to be more difficult to form a healthy relationship with than the vast majority of other women (in my extremely unprofessional opinion). She's worth it though, and at least she's not a catfish. [To clarify, none of this is really her fault; it can be traced back to the misdeeds of other people who've been in her life. I realized early on that she's an incredible person]

Story time: Total piece of shit uses a dating site meant for autistic people (one of the most catfish-vulnerable demographics) to scam them for Bitcoin, poses as a young woman living with her grandmother (her only family member left) who's in need of money, goes after me, red flags everywhere, I don't do anything too stupid, wait until I'm like 99.8% certain that it's a catfish, reach that point during the 5th day of talking, checkmate them into silence, report and block them.

 

[Schmuck]

I apologize for being so negative lately. It must be disheartening to read that sort of stuff, but I'm trying to be honest about how I feel. Here's a more uplifting entry that I wrote several months ago. It's a pseudo-poem-thingy that I was somehow able to write fairly quickly; it would be awesome if my creativity was that efficient more often.

 

[Schmuck]

HEY,
YOU,
WANKER!
LEAVE YOUR DICK ALONE!

Toughen up, you've got to,
Climb the wall of withdrawal


Today's compulsive masturbation session sucked, I should sign a peace treaty with my penis or something because I don't want to put it through that sort of thing again.

My workday, however, was one of the better ones. It would do me well to make note of what made today different, so here's a list:

• It was quieter than normal
• I got a solid amount of sleep the night before
• I was more talkative
• I was able to develop a bit more independence (I've only been there for 2 years so I don't know how to do everything)
• I caved in and finally ate some of the candy that a coworker had brought in for everyone earlier in the week (I try to eat healthy, but eh I'll live)
• I wasn't as entrenched in the "work=bad" mentality that I've been in for a long time

This makes me feel kind of silly for ragging on my job in previous entries to the extent that I did, that and my belief that it's likely the best job that I could realistically get. However, I want to preserve how I feel in the moment of writing my entries, but I'll figure out some sort of compromise if I say something too ridiculous. Therefore, it would be responsible of me to bring up previously discussed topics in later entries if my thoughts surrounding them change significantly.

 

[Schmuck]

[Post-Midnight Post]

I might as well write a new entry since I'm having some trouble falling asleep, and also because I just relapsed.

Like, relapsed relapsed.

You give in to substitutes, you end up going back to the real thing. I did that myself, for a minute or two (...possibly three). It was such a stupid type of scene, not at all what sex is supposed to be about.

Hey, since I like viewing my life in a comical perspective it would be funny if this slip-up "cured" me and I suddenly began to exceed in all of my goals haha, that sure would be wacky

[Edit: I got one of those sexual scam DMs right after posting this LOL, no mercy]

 

[Schmuck]

OK, I learned my lesson for real this time.

I had one last compulsive masturbation session yesterday, right after I took a shower. I had the brilliant idea of doing it with the towel in between my hand and my penis. Shortly after finishing, I noticed that there seemed to be a minor injury on the head. It didn't feel too bad, but believe me, my interest in jerkin' has declined tremendously.

Obviously if I'm going to get one injury then I might as well get another, so on the bike ride home from the grocery store I made sure to accidentally fall off of it (and later almost crashed into a duo of signs). I almost never have biking mishaps like these, so I was clearly out of my element, and as many of you know that can be at least partially attributed to masturbation and porn consumption.

I'm still a bit tempted to go back to porn, but my newly-developed layer of resistance is keeping me from fucking things up further.

I brought the new pair of headphones to work, but never got around to testing them out. I gifted them to the new coworker who started today, knowing that they'll do him well. I may still be a loser, but at least I can be a decent human being sometimes.

 

[Schmuck]

OK, I learned my lesson for real this time.

No you didn't buttmunch, if you had then you wouldn't have jerked off to porn this morning. Weren't you just virtually hanging out with your accountability friend and that one dude last night, helping them beat up bad guys? She's on your team, doing her best to help you defeat your addiction, while you continue to bolster it. And what about everyone else who's on your side, how little do you care about them and their support? And speaking of them, what about Aurora? Didn't you write in your old journals something along the lines of "At least once I finally form a romantic relationship I'll have left porn and unhealthy sexual values behind"? Things may not be official between the two of you, but you're still betraying her, and you're certainly betraying yourself.

Do you have any more empty promises to share before I head out?

...

Good call, considering how worthless your words have been lately.

I'll leave you with this: You want this journal to be a good read, you better make a damn good comeback. Maybe then your words will be worth something

 

[Schmuck]

My bicycling abilities have seemed normal since that blundersome ride 3 days ago, which is especially fortunate considering how hot it's been. If I needed to walk my bike home for whatever reason, oof.

I've just recently noticed something awfully ironic about my compulsive masturbation habit. I've previously mentioned my tendency to avoid taking advantage of opportunities. Well, you know what opportunity I actually act upon often? Erections.

I should really just leave them alone. I can conjure them up on my own fairly easily, so it's not like the ones that appear randomly or due to an unexpected trigger are some sort of treasure that I need to get my hands on. [Obviously I should also avoid giving myself erections on purpose]

This morning's visual-aidless compulsive masturbation session was an example of this. Got out of the shower, got a boner, felt conflicted about using it, decided to, continued to feel conflicted during, dick was in erection-limbo, went from basically no fantasy to porn fantasy to counteract this, became filled with regret as my balls emptied. That last part has happened so many times over the course of my reboot; how about this time I actually internalize the regret.

My dick deserves better than me. I've never provided it with any real action, I've annoyed it with my artificial lust so many times, and I underappreciated it for so many years due to irrational insecurity fueled by porn and societal bullshit. I've mostly solved the third problem, and overall I've made some progress on the second one, but further improvement is clearly necessary. And if I ever solve the first problem, well, that would make me very happy

 

[Schmuck]

[Post-Midnight Post]
[Post Major Fuckup Post]

OK Brain, was that enough porn to satisfy you? Was the variety adequate? Were the two ejaculations to your liking? Can I be free of this stupid bullshit now, for good this time?

…Yeah, I can, and it starts by defying you. You've done me some good over the years, but this porn nonsense has got to go. I know that you're enamored by having access to so many women, and that you believe that I'm mating with them, but that's just not true. I've never been with them at all in any real capacity, and in fact thanks in part to your susceptibility I've never been with anyone. I'd be more than satisfied with just one woman; someone who I love for a vast array of reasons, someone who loves me back just the same, someone who is legitimately present in my life. If I ever get to that point it'll make you feel better than porn ever could, so can you please just cooperate with me in order to make it a reality? Aurora could be the woman who I accomplish these ambitions with; so seriously, stop sabotaging me. And it's about more than just relationships, it's about feeling functional. These relapses are mostly enjoyable in the moment, but they're clearly dysfunctions.

And let's not forget about how this affects other people. Do you really want me to objectify? Are you OK with giving this content that could have been created and/or shared under questionable circumstances clicks? Do you want me to become someone who others don't want to be around due to my negativity, negativity that can be partially attributed to my reboot shortcomings? And don't you dare try to convince me to leave these missions behind and embrace porn; the stress of rebooting is worth so much more than a life infected with porn ever could be

 

[Schmuck]

When I walked into work today, the radio was playing a very porn-culturey song. The irony stung, but I wasn't very surprised that it had happened. They like to have it on stations that spam the most overplayed and commitee-approved songs ever, and of course unfortunately that includes some songs like the one that I was greeted with.

These mainstream and conventionally-created songs are the antithesis to my favorite genre, outsider music. This genre isn't perfectly definable, but its songs generally have some or all of these characteristics:

• Unconventional and/or niche
• Lacking in education and/or widely-recognizable talent
• Recorded poorly
• Genuine
• Created without self-awareness
• Created by children and/or people who are wired differently

It's certainly not for everyone, and personally I haven't liked every single song of the genre that I've heard so far, but overall it speaks to me. For years now I've had ambitions of releasing music of my own, and my interest in doing so has shifted to the area of outsider music in the last few months. I excel at five of the criteria listed above, but obviously I'm not lacking self-awareness regarding this topic, which is the criteria that many would consider to be the most essential. I've devised a workaround for this: My artist name would subtly imply that I know what I'm doing.

Why am I talking about something so off-topic, as if I'm not currently and severely struggling with the actual topic of this journal? Well, my logic is that I should plunge further into my relatively productive interests in order to distance myself from porn and the like. Working on outsider music feels like it would be the most opportune way, along with an easier activity: reading. I have a backlog of books, and I'd like to read the threads of other users on here.

The gym is something else that I can increase my focus on too of course. Yesterday I had the final session with my personal trainer friend, so now diligence is even more necessary.

The time that the weekly sessions were held coincided with the time frame in which the McDonald's ~20 yards away recieved its food delivery. The message on the side of the trailer that was there yesterday really bugged me; it referred to McDonald's coffee as an "essential perk". Normalizing chemical dependency for the sake of profit, yeah fuck you too McDonald's.

 

[Schmuck]

At the cost of relapsing on substitutes yet again, I've managed to gain the upper hand on my addiction. That may sound like damage control, and yeah I guess that it is, but please just let me explain.

Not too long ago, I realized a way to view porn substitutes that's nearly guaranteed to not accidentally show you any nudity (which I would consider to be crossing the line into porn). Right off the bat there are three major flaws with this idea, three strikes if you will.

First of all, this form of substitute (along with most of the other ones that I've used) would be considered by many other rebooters to be porn, and therefore signify the occurrence of an actual relapse. This judgment is based on how the effects that the "substitutes" have on the consumer have significant parallels with those of the more explicit material. I may be honest about my usage of substitutes, but to deem them as such is still an act of cowardice.

Secondly, just because this material likely wouldn't include porn porn doesn't mean that I wouldn't find that material myself through other means in order to chase the high. In fact, I've already learned several times now that a primary relapse can be triggered by seemingly any substitute, so how would this one be an exception?

Lastly, my addict brain was acting like this was some sort of miraculous breakthrough, and I'm wondering to myself: To what degree did I enable it to achieve this? I've witnessed so many instances of its cleverness by now, but this one felt like more of a team effort than usual.

Being the team player that I am, I tested out this new substitute idea. It worked in the sense that the material didn't get "too explicit" (a line that, from a more reasonable perspective, I crossed immediately), but it faltered in a worrisome way: It wasn't satisfying enough. I was beholding so many different women, and I could've finished myself off without resorting to other means, but that wouldn't have felt ideal to me. This is yet another lesson that I've learned multiple times before; The less I'm entrenched in pornish things, the easier it is for me to feel attracted to people. When I've been at my cleanest I've been able to truly appreciate the diverse beauty in womankind; porn weakens not only the strength of this appreciation, but the diversity factor as well.

So if I didn't finish to this type of substitute, what did I finish to? Well, it wasn't explicitly porn, but it has flaws of its own...

Me and Aurora used to send lewd texts to each other (including a bra pic on her end), and these would make me more aroused than porn ever has. Eventually we stopped doing it, and due to various circumstances we've never been able to meet in person, so for my addict brain there's never been any proper resolution. Being the inventive nuisance that it is, my addict brain realized that I could use the old texts as porn substitutes. I ended up doing that again to finish last time, and boy was it effective.

So I found a porn substitute that allows me to remain loyal to Aurora, sounds awesome right? Well yeah it's not entirely negative, but it still feels wrong to me in terms of morals. Also, it's depressing to be reminded of how prosperous our connection seemed earlier on. [She's not at fault for any of this, especially considering the fact that I told her about my porn addiction prior, and she expressed concern over the possibility of the lewd texting harming me.]

I've been consciously trying to ruin the concept of lewd texting for me (at least temporarily) by reconsuming the content of Anxiety War, a widely-respected independent child predator hunter. He's among the handful of individuals/groups that I financially contribute to that assist in the fight against sexual exploitation. [I'm also a fan of him because he's one of the few people that I can relate to personality-wise, mainly since he also has Tourette's]. He goes over the chat logs that his persona has with the predators in his videos, which makes me feel awkward about my own brief history of messaging sexually. There are only so many parallels, but it still feels effective at discouraging me from looking back on my old conversations. [For anyone curious, Aurora is only 1 year younger than me]

This all comes together in order for me to gain the upper hand. Standard porn substitutes aren't good enough, the lewd texts have their own significant drawbacks, and actual porn is more consequential than the rest. Sounds like I should just stay away from all of them, who would've guessed?

The point about the substitutes being too weak will weaken over time as I become easier to arouse, but I'd like to think that by that time I'll have built up more willpower.

 

[Schmuck]

It seems like every time I use a website that isn't among my regulars, there's a strong chance that I end up getting triggered somehow and masturbating. Just now I was trying to find some innocent reading material online, but my addict brain chose to look for triggers instead. I went right to my journal as opposed to delving deeper into the path towards porn, but I should've done so before my hands made their way to The SchmuckRod. Also, this is another solid incentive to spend less time online.

Some of my friends hung out with me at my house two nights ago, which was a pleasant experience. It's moments like this when I realize that I'm missing out when I choose to isolate myself

 

[Schmuck]

My dick beat me in a staring contest this morning.

I was just lying there for a while after waking up, not wanting to get out of bed. Eventually I started thinking about pornish stuff, fancy that. My dick hardened, so I slipped off my pajama pants and challenged it to a staring contest: If it went back to being flaccid, I'd win.

I entered a pseudo-meditative state while staring at my member, trying to block out pornish thoughts. My dick was resilient, but eventually it began to give in and soften.

As I neared victory, the compulsive part of me took over and portrayed the faltering firmness as a defeat for me. Now I was rooting for my opponent, and based on how swiftly they shot back up it was awfully effective. The extent of this reversal, along with my suprise and lack of a response, certified my dick as the winner.

Despite the sabotage that occurred on my side, I wanted to be a good sport, so I reached out my hand for a handshake. Realizing that my penis has no hands of its own, I then reached out my other hand too as a surrogate. My hands, being good friends with my penis, decided to form a group hug of sorts. They were happy that their buddy won, so happy that they began to do a kind of jumping motion together. The hug ended when my penis, uh, sneezed.

I don't feel confident in rematching my dick, so to avoid being challenged I should be more wary of the situations in which it can awaken.

 

[Schmuck]

I've reached, if not surpassed, the tolerance limit of jackassery being used to distract from the realities of failure. This is the point at which I will truly course-correct; now that the integrity of my journal has been shortsightedly diminished.

I now feel confident in the question of what my first outsider song should be. The topic of the song answers the question: What's the lowest score that you can get in a game of Yahtzee while playing "optimally"? In this case, optimal means that you have solid awareness of the odds and a decent sense of strategy for the game. I figured it out a few months ago (I like math), and I'm practically certain in my answer. I wasn't able to find any online discussion regarding this topic at the time, but I'm sure that other people have given it some thought. [Sorry to anyone who doesn't understand what I'm about to ramble on about.]

Here are the rolls that you get on each corresponding turn. Keep in mind that you can keep getting the same grouping of numbers on consecutive rolls, so in this specific game it doesn't matter that you have 3 rolls each turn (heck you could have 50 and still end up with the same results).

1. 1/2/3/5/6
2. 1/1/2/3/5
3. 1/1/2/3/5
4. 1/1/2/2/3
5. Three acceptable results: 1/1/2/2/3, 1/1/2/3/3, and 1/2/2/3/3 (this continues for the rest of the game)

You put 1 in your Ones because it doesn't put you very far behind and you have plenty of opportunities left to make up for it. You put 12 in your Chance because otherwise it's very unlikely that you'll get the Bonus. You then accept your fate and put 2 in your Twos, not wanting to put 0 in anything. You score your last points of the game, 3 in your Threes, before entering a hellish cycle in the shape of a zero. This leaves you with a whopping 18 points. You could score higher if you knew that you were going to get these exact roles on these exact turns, but this lower-scoring points distribution is under the logic that you're expecting to have a reasonable amount of (mis)fortune. The odds of getting this exact game are low.

As for how I'd express this interest of mine via song, it would be pretty straightforward. I'd list off the rolls, then announce the final score of 18. The song would be fairly upbeat and cohesive, until I start repeating "eighteen"; then it would get crazy. Eventually I'd start laughing, which I love doing.

This song would symbolize how you can do things optimally and still get screwed over. This is something that I've experienced before as a former Pokémon player, but obviously using the term "screwed over" with it or Yahtzee or any other trivial game is silly. I could base the song on a more substantial scenario, but that wouldn't be as interesting to me or the listener (at least I'd assume so). Regarding the shift in tone of the song, I feel like the more common/"normal" reaction in moments like these is to shift from negativity to positivity or indifference, and for the laughing to be less crazed. However, portraying it like that in my song would feel off to me.

In addition to the oddly specific but passionate subject material, this would also work as an example of outsider music due to it being extremely novice. The only song that I've ever "released" was a singable poem that I wrote for my accountability friend (codename: Jinx), which was based on an inside joke that her and her brother (who's also a streamer) created in their communities. I'm going to "mis"use some music-making software for this thing; it'll be great!

 

[Schmuck]

Mattress privileges revoked. This spontaneous post-relapse action is an effort to create a foundation for breaking my impeding (practically) daily cycle: Staying up late in defiance of my body's wishes and common sense, having an irritating work day because of it, focusing too much on various negative thoughts, getting home tired, lying down in my bed, relapsing to some extent, and having to admit to yet another fuckup here. What am I gonna do, jerk off while standing up like some sort of animal? And staying up late won't be a problem since I'll be so excited to sleep on the floor.