Radical Nineteen Layers

Schmuck

Member
Well, I just proved that this plan isn't 100% foolproof by MOing before getting out of floor. That might've been the least enjoyable compulsive session of the month; maybe if I can ruin lewd texting I can ruin masturbation too, somehow...
 

Jinx2109

Member
You've inspired me to start sharing my personal journals on this similar journey for me. I'll need to earmark them then I'll start typing them up!
 

Schmuck

Member
Haven't really felt urges since this morning, thanks in part to keeping myself busy by learning more about outsider music. It feels great to have an interest that can lead to creating something of value, even if that value isn't apparent to the majority.

I've changed my mind about what my first song will be; this weekend I'll film myself playing my cajon for a long period of time, ending when it becomes too repetitive. I thought of doing this months ago but believed that it wouldn't be worthy of other people's time; now that my thoughts on art and expression have changed I'm more open to it.

I went back to Showdown for an hour or two today, and I'm now convinced that making a new team that I'm decently satisfied with is too difficult to be worth attempting. Plus, I've already used my 2 existing teams that meet my standards a bunch of times, so playing the game feels even more pointless than usual. It's clearly time to move on to more important and rewarding things.

I felt defeated at work today, and considering the fact that I went to floor at an OK time last night, my relapsing is likely mostly to blame. More incentives to stop, nice!
 
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Schmuck

Member
I was very fortunate yesterday; I made it through the morning, work went well, and I had social opportunities to keep me busy in the evening and night.

I've also been clean today, but not in every aspect. I was planning on being a weekend-warrior this time around, and the responsibilities of that made me nervous, which led to me annoying my skin and going to town on my fingernails. This reminded me of my self-consciousness regarding my skin, which ended up being among the many negative thoughts that I've had today. It's so easy for me to plunge into that negativity, especially since there's so many things to choose from. I don't mean to imply that my life is among the hardest and most unjust (it's really not), and many of these thoughts pertain to the lives of others; but as for the negative thoughts that focus on my own, I sometimes envision them as titanic foes of near-insurmountable strength.

Today's gym session felt like it could be a continuation of the "Go to the gym, feel overwhelmed physically and mentally, go home earlier than expected, return again after about a week". Obviously the sessions will improve in quality the more regularly I attend, so I have a straightforward solution to this issue. Do your part, Future Me.

The urges have bothered me today, I'm paying the price for all of those relapses. I took an extra measure with my blocker an hour or so ago, a measure that I should've taken much earlier. This shit is so powerful, it scares me how easily I can slip into Consequence-Ignoring Mode. At that point, it's like all that matters is satisfying my addiction. There's no Aurora, no Jinx, no journal, no aftermath, nothing; just the material, my hands, and my member. Not the ideal kind of reality-minimizing experience
 
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Schmuck

Member
New rule: Once I get out of floor to pee, I stay out of it. Yesterday morning I returned to do some logic puzzles that I had started to do the night before, and my dick took all of that time lying down as an opportunity to get hard. I MOed, still feeling a strong compulsive need to use my erections. If I stay clean of everything for a week, I'll get the mattress back; no Brain I don't want to keep sleeping on the floor.

Yesterday's gym session ended pretty early due to some of my friends wanting to hang out and the gym closing early on Sundays, but today's workout was more complete. I felt anxious because of how crowded it was. Confidence is an overarching trait that I'm seeking to improve with this journey, and my gym visits will offer consistent opportunities to evaluate it.


This was a cajon session that I did last night. I think that for the most part it sounds shitty, but that actually works in my favor. I'm going to upload more cajon sessions later on, corresponding to dates in my recovery. This incentivizes me to stay clean, so that I can pull this off. This will give me more time to practice cajon, which will make these videos gradually more tolerable
 
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Schmuck

Member
"Hey, you remember that one female internet celebrity? The one who you thought was really attractive? Don't you want to see her again?

You'll just look at a few pics and then be done, it's not a big deal. You know that she'll be clothed in all of them, and you see clothed women in real life every day. You need to cater to my your curiosity.

...

Aren't these pictures awesome? She's so hot! You're really missing out on this sort of stuff with your "rebooting" nonsense. Take advantage of your opportunity to look at pics like this, as a 1st-world citizen of the 21st century.

That was great, I've got a bunch of other women and keywords that we can look up next. Your search engine settings will protect you from nudity, I know how worried you are about seeing that. Again you're missing out, but whatever."

...

"Hey, are you gonna quit the teasing and finally start using me? You can't just expose me to all of these pics and not expect me to power up, what were you thinking? And I haven't been used in like 38 hours, so I need this bro just trust me."

...

"Isn't this exciting? Trying to find the most arousing material within the confines of your blocker and browser settings, exploring so many groupings to do so, trying to keep your dick at full-mast. No it's not losing steam due to whatever bullshit you just said, it's happening because, uh... it's nighttime?

You know what, fine, I admit it, I've been deceiving you. But what are you gonna do about it, abandon your dick after all this time, not letting it have the sweet release? This is too easy.

...

I win again >:]"
 
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Schmuck

Member
I relapsed to substitutes again.

















20220803_235126.jpg

No more mattress, no more door
I can't have them anymore
Until I reach sobriety's shore
As for now, I'm on the floor
 

Schmuck

Member
"You haven't written a new entry because you've either been busy and/or depressed. Well, I'm going to make you relapse so you'll have to write a new one. You're welcome for the motivation!"

__________________

This relapse included what may have been the most explicit material that I've found under the current parameters. I should take this as a sign that I've peaked, and thus retire from viewing porn and its substitutes altogether.

I had some very brief instances of viewing substitutes earlier in this past 5-day period, but until today I hadn't reached the amount of "fuck it" mentality necessary for me to resort to MO.

When I wasn't doing small social stuff I felt emptier than usual; not getting much enjoyment out of reality while simultaneously getting too much frustration from my thoughts and fears. No Brain, this relapse was not the solution.
 

Schmuck

Member
About to finish the day without any P and/or MO mishaps, viewing this week of floor-sleeping as a chance to be cleaner with all of my compulsive behaviors than before.

Need to spend less time on the web and use it wisely, especially since it's likely involved with my lack of motivation to journal and work on creative projects.
 

Schmuck

Member
I'm still getting ideas about sexually explicit stuff to look for. I'd rather be familiar with a porn-free life than those empty and manipulative distractions, so I'm choosing to not act on those thoughts.
 

Schmuck

Member
This relapse included what may have been the most explicit material that I've found under the current parameters. I should take this as a sign that I've peaked, and thus retire from viewing porn and its substitutes altogether.
This wasn't a challenge Brain, fuck you.

My negativity is at a scary point now, as the consequences of my various regrettable actions have once again taken high priority in my mind.

I'll start using an alarm clock instead of my phone, allowing me to leave it out of my room at night and thus make relapses less likely
 

SmokenMirrors

Active Member
This wasn't a challenge Brain, fuck you.

My negativity is at a scary point now, as the consequences of my various regrettable actions have once again taken high priority in my mind.

I'll start using an alarm clock instead of my phone, allowing me to leave it out of my room at night and thus make relapses less likely
Very good idea! Keep up the tenacity, king
 

Schmuck

Member
I'm at 22 relapses now. It's illegal for your total amount of relapses to exceed your age, so this is the end.
 

Schmuck

Member
Outsider music isn't always devoid of sexual themes. I was reminded of this today. YouTube watch and search history cleared, another site blocked, another app uninstalled, another Day 0 for the Mattress Recovery Project.
 

Schmuck

Member
A whole day of being clean + a new journal entry. The bar for "exceptional" has fallen low, I admit.

Being an artistic person, I went through an on-and-off film-watching phase over the last two years or so. Some of them revolved around The Troubles, most of the others were relevant to American culture. I've also enjoyed reading audience reviews, especially scathing ones directed at popular media (contributing to my contrarian-elitism mentality). However, some events that happened yesterday have convinced me to abandon these interests entirely, at least temporarily. It's too easy for me to connect them with porn/substitutes, and they're not at all important enough to be worth compromising with.

Moving forward, I want to utilize my love for Aurora in this rebooting process to a stronger degree. We haven't communicated in a long time; we've been under the written understanding that she'll be the one to initiate whatever conversation that we have next, and boy is she taking her time with it. I've told her before that if she doesn't want me she should just say so and end it, but she's never done that, so it feels like I'm being held hostage in terms of my search for a relationship. The hostage aspect doesn't matter that much though since I'm still interested in her, and also because until I get my driver's license I won't feel ready to put myself back out there if she does end it. So yeah things aren't going well between us, but if she rekindles things while I'm in the midst of fucking up my reboot, I'll feel terrible.

Another form of love that I can focus on is my platonic love for Jinx. It's an awful feeling in hindsight; when someone else cared far more about your success than you did in that moment, and you're the one who sabotaged the success, and it was the nine quintillionth time that you did so. Am I really going to continue hurting her?

I was finally able to figure out the up-to-date times and location of the pickleball sessions that are held in my town. I'm able to attend it every Sunday, which I did today and last week. I stopped attending them a few years ago mainly due to the fear/tiredness of rolling my ankle, and so far I've had a few near-injury moments, but it's worth the risk. This is the sort of fun and healthy interest that I need. [Pickleball is a relatively safe sport and my town's program is fairly casual, I just instinctively play like a moron]
 
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Schmuck

Member
I traveled with my family to help move my brother into college, so I ended up with 3 consecutive days of (P)MO abstinence. My bedroom door had to be put back up before we left. I don't feel like removing it again, so I better prove that it's not necessary. [You failed already, but ok]

My interest in the Falkland Islands has gotten pretty low by now, so hooray for the abandonment of delusions. The Falkland Islands weren't the only "starting life over" hypothetical that I gave a foolish amount of thought towards, in fact the most notable of the others was much more absurd: Prison. I'm guessing that the appeal primarily involved the sort of "now or never" environment in regards to developing discipline and practical skills and stuff like that. Of course this took for granted the liberties that I have as a free man, ignored the hazards of prison life and the impact on my loved ones and the post-release consequences, and was incompatible with my disinterest in breaking the law. So yeah basically I was a fucking dumbass. I watched some YouTube videos about prison earlier this month, and thanks in part to them this idiotic hypothetical left my head.

In the game that I sometimes play with Jinx on her stream, the only character that I had ever made was a male one based around the Falkland Islands. Because of the declining interest mentioned above, I wanted to make a new character to play as in the future. The character creator is very robust, but unfortunately not everything is "tame". I decided to attempt making a female character in a non-sexual way (average-ish body, clothes aren't revealing); my 3rd and 4th attempts were both successes.


Another cajon session of questionable quality today
 

Schmuck

Member
[Negative-Negative Negative]

Negative negative negative negative negative negative. Negative negative negative negative, negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative. Negative negative, negative negative negative negative negative negative negative; negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative.

Negative negative negative negative negative negative. Negative negative negative negative negative, negative negative negative negative negative negative negative (negative negative negative negative).

"Negative negative negative negative negative negative?"

Negative! Negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative, negative negative negative negative negative negative.

negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negatve negatve negatve negatve negatve negatve negatve negave negave negave negave negave negave hegave hegave hegave hegave hegave hegave hegave hegave hegave he gave he gave he gave he gave he gave he gave no fucks he let it burn he set himself back so very far he read his journal he saw the empty promises he shat on them even further with the porn that he consumed after the initial post-post fuckups the porn is poisoning him he's so negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative you've put Aurora through so much bullshit over the course of her life and you sent her me and I probably made things worse hahahahahahahahahahaha it's a fucking comedy a negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen hey remember when it stopped here man those were the days but if you included substitutes it would be pretty high there isn't really a way to substitute the main type of porn that I've been relapsing on possibly the most and it's something that I wouldn't even be into if not for porn so LOL
 
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