Radical Nineteen Layers

Schmuck

Member
[Post-Midnight Post]

I stayed clean of everything today :)

I think of one kind of piece of content that I want to view and then I look it up and then I want to look up so many other things and during that I nut but I didn't get to see everything so I wait until my dick is ready again (it doesn't actually want to do it again though I reckon) and then I look at more content but sometimes I'm reserved and wait until the next day gotta spread those relapses out but then later on I want to view the sort of content that I viewed in a recent session again so it never really ends and there's an abundance of consequences so why bother?

Pickleball was fun and rewarding as usual. Another enjoyable activity was picking a video game back up, one that I had started for the first time not too long ago. It feels like an overall positive contribution to my wellbeing. It's a visual novel puzzle game so it has definitive ends and isn't as detrimental to my fingers, you can "Save" and "Load" at almost every interval, the women in the game aren't severely triggering, and of course playing it makes me happy. It's not 5,000% productive, but at this point I feel like when I take that sort of approach it gets me closer to relapsing due to feeling overwhelmed
 

Jinx2109

Member
Great job! Youve got this. I agree with the last part too, i think its important to decompress and have fun, so youre in a better place mentally to deal with triggers.
 

Schmuck

Member
[Post-Midnight Post]
the women in the game aren't severely triggering
You've deceived me yet again, Brain. I had already learned that I can be triggered by practically anything involving women, and thus this game would have that capability, but you were like, "Hey, this game will cheer you up, go back to it!". Stop kicking me while I'm down with this depression.

At least I was clean yesterday. Also, I won't be tempted to go back to the game since I completed it.

Here's an incentive: If I can stay clean for the long-term I probably won't be so depressed. That's nice and simple, I like it.
 

Schmuck

Member
Urges have made their presence known today, but this time they haven't been victorious. Even after all of those relapses there's still plenty of content that I "want" to revisit or discover, but I genuinely want to revisit sobriety and discover its greater levels.

I didn't feel as bad about my relapses as I should have; there are two major reasons for this:

  1. They became so common that it felt borderline normal. Yeah I had to be honest about my severe reboot shortcomings to others, but that became normal too. And within the writing and speaking of my reboot, I normalized a "That was the last time" mentality, which always became a lie. I basically said it in response to the latest relapse as well, let's see what happens
  2. I was too engrossed in negativity to thoroughly believe in myself, or to even care very much about the consequences. Other people believed in me, but that can only take you so far when you're not pulling your own weight
It feels almost surreal to me that I lasted about 9 months sober, even if there was some MO and substitutes involved (the 55-day streak at the very start of my reboot also feels fairly foreign). Meanwhile, my mental ability to recall porn is awfully proficient. And even with all of that material floating around in my head, it's not enough, and it never could be, no matter how much of my life I waste on this nonsense. In fact, human biology is one of the obstacles (...more on that later).
 

Schmuck

Member
Wake up, morning routine
Go to work, work
Eat, read/journal
Finish work, go home
Drop off phone
Eat
Play instruments/read/journal/gym/dog/work on miscellaneous projects
Sleep

Weekends: challenging, but includes pickleball

September 2nd, 2022 1:37 AM
Now that you're finally done: Why?
 
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Schmuck

Member

This is an online event intended to educate about and rally against sexual exploitation, including topics involving pornography (which subsequently includes porn addiction). I attended this event for the firs time last year. Not only did it bolster my recovery through the support of others and information regarding the exploitative sides of porn, it was also how I met Jinx! I can't promise that by attending the event you'll meet someone who will become a close friend and an accountability partner, but I'm confident that attending it would be a net positive for most rebooters.

It will be held November 8th-10th of this year, and there should be stuff going on practically the whole day each day. The free registration option is adequate, and registration is open to anyone who cares about combatting sexual exploitation, regardless of their current relevant knowledge and accomplishments. I'm bringing up the event now because I just signed up for it this morning.
If I relapsed again after posting this, I'd feel especially guilty
 

Schmuck

Member
2 MO sessions, both disappointing.

Saturday's Session: Sparked by the chaser effect, flashed through a plethora of porn thoughts throughout, dick was hard but not "invested"

Monday/Yesterday's Session: Sparked by the desire to make up for the unresolved sexual dream that occurred the night before, only focused on a few porn thoughts but paid special attention to an especially unhealthy one, dick was hard but not "invested"

My mattress must feel lonely without me. Ironic, considering the fact that never sharing it with anyone else has made me lonely too. I did something today in an effort to progress things relationship-wise. There's so many thoughts in my head regarding this topic, but I don't know how to appropriately express them.
 

Schmuck

Member
Urges weren't much of an issue today or yesterday. They'll reemerge in a stronger state in the future of course, but will I relapse again? Honestly, I don't think so. How many times have I implied that earlier in this journal and real life? Honestly, an embarrassing amount. Does that mean that I shouldn't view this current streak optimistically? No, I just need to keep my guard up.

I made a goal to attend the gym at least four times last week, but I only managed to do so twice, skipping three opportune days. This week is off to a better start, having gone today, the first day that I was able to (Sunday is for pickleball, Tuesdays can be tricky (but in a good way, for other areas of life)).

Too bad today's workout sucked though. I felt even less "presentable" than usual, and thus I felt more anxious. This can be partially fixed by dressing better and managing my facial hair vigilantly.

I had a period of caring even less for my appearance not too long ago. I excused it as a way of making myself less attractive and thus commiting further to Aurora (who, keep in mind, I wasn't able to meet in person), but that's silly. The actual reason was laziness. If you're convinced that it was something deeper than that; "I was reflecting my mental state with my physical appearance".
 
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Schmuck

Member
Today has been uneventful. When I got home from work my mom told me about Queen Elizabeth's passing; after hearing that I just wanted to stay home and take it easy.

Rest in Peace
 
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Schmuck

Member
MOed again just now. Sometimes it feels like being in my room for more than a few minutes nearly guarantees that it will happen. Looking at my dick is also a potent trigger. I appreciate the fact that I'm not suffering from erectile dysfunction, but these bountiful boners of mine can be annoying sometimes
 

Schmuck

Member
[Post-Midnight Post]

Two months have passed, dozens of posts have been made, and my efforts to create "a good read" have clearly failed. Historical context and other explanations have yet to be delivered, entries are frequently missing coverage on vital topics (sometimes in favor of covering comparatively trivial ones), the smug face of my writing is deserving of a thousand punches, and several mishaps have gone unreported out of shame (but hey at least those matter less when there are so many other mishaps surrounding them). The factor that has really made this journal subpar, however, is this: I simply haven't been trying hard enough to recover.

It's naïve to expect one's reboot to succeed without any amount of error. I learned that the hard way; relapsing for the first time after beginning my first journal, having previously believed that I would never do so. But to fail so many times in the last two months; despite all of the time that I've spent in a cleaner state during this journey, all of the incentives to prevail that I've accumulated, the fact that I shared this journal with Jinx the day that it began, and the fact that this journal has seen me get closer to developing a relationship than the previous two, it's obvious that I'm gravely at fault. [It's not just the relapses either, it's also more nuanced things such as not taking adequate care of myself]

One of the main reasons that I hesitated for several months to start my first journal was that I didn't believe that it would be worth reading for anyone else. It would be pretentious, self-absorbed, a waste of time, all sorts of negative things. These fears subsided as the journal developed, and in hindsight, the success that my reboot was experiencing definitely attributed to this shift towards positivity. I wasn't constantly letting the readers down.

As for this current journal, is it worth reading? No, not unless your name is Schmuck or Jinx.
Can it become something great? Of course!
Who's capable of making that a reality? Me, by not being such a fuckup

There's one more "I won't relapse again" card that I have at my disposal, here it goes:

30/13
 
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Schmuck

Member
[Post-Midnight Post]

In all of today's battles, the urges were defeated. There are so many more victories that I need to earn, but today's are by no means meaningless.

I've never given a thorough explanation regarding my history with porn in this journal. I should've done so a long time ago, but the challenge of doing so in a way that satisfies me in terms of the quality of the entries seems so daunting. This was a major factor in my procrastination on starting my second journal. I'd be able to Edit these posts as much as I want, I should keep that in mind. [There's some other topics that I should've elaborated on by now as well, but this one is the most glaring]

There was something that happened yesterday that I really wanted to write about, but I felt like there hadn't been enough context established in this journal for it to be as substantial as I'd like it to be. If I had extensively written about my past, this wouldn't have been an issue. Here's a compromise: I'll use this entry to discuss what I wanted to talk about (an effect that porn has had on me), and I'll discuss my past further in later entries. ["Later entries", typical of you to say something like that...]

I'm going to be somewhat descriptive of some porn that I consumed, be warned

When I was 15-17 years old, my means of viewing porn was my Nintendo 2DS. [I didn't bother to explore my cellphone's porn capabilities until I owned a laptop, and at that point in didn't matter (the phone was a hand-me-down received in 2013, ancient technology by some people's standards)]. The 2DS's Internet browser was capable of displaying explicit material, but it was incapable of playing videos of any kind. Thus, I tended to gravitate towards pornographic comics. As an impressionable and horny teen prone to hyperfixations, there were many different roads that could've taken me to some wild places. I made it out relatively OK, but in hindsight there was an interest that I developed during this era that was really dumb.

My favorite comics were a group of western ones. In them, the women would always have large curves, and the men? Huge penises, sometimes impossibly so. "Bigger is Better", I was subconsciously conditioning myself to believe. Cheating was often a factor in the comics, luckily that didn't leave as much of an impression on me.

Porn strongly affects how we view sex, especially when we're teens and especially when we're virgins and especially if you're on the Autism Spectrum. This was sex to me; people who have "perfect" bodies and anomalous anatomy going at it raw in aesthetically pleasing positions, spitting in the face of morals and sanitation. As you'd expect, this content made me feel insecure about the size of my own penis. [This may be relevant: I wasn't masturbating during this time, that wouldn't begin until the laptop days. That's a story in its own right though]

Looking for material that included women interacting with especially large penises became common within my personal pornosphere, carrying over to my laptop (18 years old) and smartphone (later that year and beyond) eras. These eras focused on videos as opposed to comics, so they typically involved real people. This meant that there were physical limits, but within them you still had statistical outliers. I developed a "love" for watching clips of women reacting to penis reveals, obviously that sort of thing is heavily intertwined with the "Bigger is Better" mentality. The insecurity continued.

As strange as it sounds, sometimes I'd care more about the man's penis than the woman's physical appearance! Isn't it astounding how porn can do that to a straight guy like me. Not that I've always been 100% certain of my heterosexuality. Porn, combined with youth and loneliness, placed doubt in my head. I understand the inevitability of the latter factors, but porn's contribution was clearly unhealthy.

I should've gone to bed over 3 hours ago, and I'd hit the text limit multiple times over if I went all the way, so I'll resume this discussion in a later post.
 
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Schmuck

Member
[Post-Midnight Post]

Browsing memes has proven once again to be too triggering. I didn't full-on relapse like I've been doing, but I certainly didn't handle my urges as well as I did yesterday ["One Week of Strength" has been postponed yet again...]. And if I hadn't spent so much time browsing memes, I could've written a more robust journal entry today. You can live without them Brain, at this point you need to.

Speaking of my brain, who know what it came up with today?
"You need to search for sites with pornographic material, so that if they aren't automatically blocked by your blocker you can blacklist them yourself. Get in, check for porn, memorize the domain name, and get out".

... Or I could just not search for anything explicit at all, that would obviously keep me cleaner. But you know me Brain, I love falling for your bullshit. This time though, I didn't land on my face; I rolled out of those sites swiftly, just like you supposedly wanted me to.

A fall is still a fall, don't let my writing style distract from the fact that I was a fuckup today.

I'm surprised that I was able to resist pulling my dick out during today's "expedition". Maybe I was feeling nostalgic for the old masturbationless days that I brought up in yesterday's entry
 

Schmuck

Member
Uh, anyways

Schmuck's Addict Brain's Pro-Tip #53: If there's a small window of time in between posting a journal entry and falling asleep, make sure to MO during it, and use a few substitute pics to finish. There won't be any need to self-report it the following day.

Wrong Brain, reporting it is entirely necessary! I don't care how much of a failure it makes me look like, I won't let you persuade me into deceiving by omission again.

The MO was sparked by me looking up a sexual term that I had thought about earlier in the day. Of course my addict brain just absolutely needed to read about it.

If I adopted a cat named Streak upon the creation of my first journal, and Streak had 81 lives, and each time I looked at porn or substitutes or had a masturbation session fueled by pornographic thoughts one of those lives was taken, would Streak be dead or alive right now? I'm not entirely sure, but my gut is telling me "No".

Bless.jpg

Meet Bless, freshly adopted from the gettyimages shelter. Bless is a fairly normal cat, nine lives. Each time I slip up, Bless loses one.

I respect cats, but I've never owned any. Jinx, however, loves them.
I really, really don't want to harm Bless.
 

Jinx2109

Member
Uh, anyways

Schmuck's Addict Brain's Pro-Tip #53: If there's a small window of time in between posting a journal entry and falling asleep, make sure to MO during it, and use a few substitute pics to finish. There won't be any need to self-report it the following day.

Wrong Brain, reporting it is entirely necessary! I don't care how much of a failure it makes me look like, I won't let you persuade me into deceiving by omission again.

The MO was sparked by me looking up a sexual term that I had thought about earlier in the day. Of course my addict brain just absolutely needed to read about it.

If I adopted a cat named Streak upon the creation of my first journal, and Streak had 81 lives, and each time I looked at porn or substitutes or had a masturbation session fueled by pornographic thoughts one of those lives was taken, would Streak be dead or alive right now? I'm not entirely sure, but my gut is telling me "No".

View attachment 754

Meet Bless, freshly adopted from the gettyimages shelter. Bless is a fairly normal cat, nine lives. Each time I slip up, Bless loses one.

I respect cats, but I've never owned any. Jinx, however, loves them.
I really, really don't want to harm Bless.
Dont you harm that cat, my friend! 😅
 

Schmuck

Member
Alright, I'll try to resume my train of thought on the Rod Size Railway System before I procrastinate on it any further.

There was probably a time period when I was especially naïve, in which I considered my penis to be smaller than average. This wouldn't last too long, thanks to the frequency of penis size discussions on the web (including on the anonymous forum that I mentioned earlier in this journal [codename: Squerple (it has some sections dedicated to porn, so I shouldn't namedrop it here)]). If I remember correctly, eventually I started to consider it as "average", but as I've implied, that didn't stop me from feeling insecure. Thanks to porn and some negative/misinformed users on Squerple (their posts typically made a much stronger impression on me than those of others), I believed that there was a decent chance that it wouldn't be good enough. Shifting my focus to content involving real people and learning more about penis sizes probably helped, but it didn't make the insecurity go away. And even after getting into Fight The New Drug and other harms-of-porn-awareness things 2 years ago, I was still held down by this stupid bullshit.

I was smaller than a large portion of the men performing in the deceptive sexual circus known as porn. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but to me, it was. Mammoth even. I have a hard time comprehending/remembering what it was like (it's not really an issue now), but I know that it was an unjust burden. Just one of the many reasons to hate the porn industry that I've accumulated over the years.

Oh man this is going to be a Post-Midnight Post soon, I've gotta stop the train early. The next entry will be more positive, I think [remembering all of my relevant thoughts and conveying them well is still difficult for me, but it's worth it]
 

Schmuck

Member
I'm not entirely sure, but my gut is telling me "No".
I misspoke, I meant to say "Dead" "No, 81 is too small of a number. Dead as a doornail, I didn't even have to give it a second thought"

Also, can someone please identify Bless's gender? Assuming that's possible based on the photo that I posted.


"I don't consume that sort of content anymore, it has no place in my identity"
This is a mentality that I felt during the successful eras of my reboot. I'm beginning to feel it more often, which is a wonderful sign.
I saw that smirk Brain, if you think that I'm going to let my guard down again you're wrong!

Things officially ended with Aurora yesterday. I've been overthinking it for so long, I don't feel like writing about it, at least not now.
I messaged 3 women on the site that I met the catfish on. I'll stick to my plan of getting a driver's license before withdrawing from the invisibility modes on the sites where I can find women who don't live far away.

Since I can't look for memes anymore, I might as well share some more of my homemade ones. To start, here's a meme that's related to rebooting. It also happens to be one of the worst memes of all time.
npmeme.jpg

To help cleanse your eyes, here's the thumbnail for the song that I described earlier, "Optimal"

Optimal Thumbnail.png
 
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