Radical Nineteen Layers

Schmuck

Member
[Post-Midnight Post]

I nearly caved in to the urge to submerge myself in substitutes today. I feel guilty for getting that close to taking one of Bless's lives. I'm sorry Bless, my selfishness is putting you in danger. I'll become the friend that you deserve, getting there day by day.


Penis Talk, Part Three

I don't remember when, but at some point my personal evaluation of my penis size shifted from "average" to "above average". Of course, there's quite a lot of variance in the scope of the latter term. I considered myself to be on the low end of this spectrum.

A few days ago I read about penis size some more, and finally got a good erect girth measurement. Here's my new verdict, taking into account my measurements and everything that I've read/heard about this topic: I'm definitely somewhere in the top 10% for both erect length and erect girth (probably for the flaccid measurements too but those are difficult to figure out because I get hard when I try to take them lol).

I had underestimated how much of a statistical outlier the men in porn really are. The vast majority of the male population has a penis size that's considered "average", and these penises are capable of satisfying the vast majority of women. Porn is a spectacle, not at all a representation of real sex. It makes sense that it would frequently feature such anomalous men. But even if you the viewer catches on to that, it won't necessarily prevent you from developing insecurity. This is due to the "Bigger is Better" mentality that porn actively perpetuates, in ways such as:
  • The woman making remarks about the size of the penis
  • The over-the-top reactions that the woman expresses while intercoursing with the penis
  • The woman being physically capable of handling a penis of that size
  • Within the narrative of the porn; the sexual encounter happening because of the woman's interest in the penis, because of its size
  • Techniques that the industry uses to make the penis look bigger (EX: The average female porn actress's hand is probably quite a bit smaller than your own hand if you're a dude, so if you're jerking off and you're comparing your size with his you're being biased by the hands)
I want to elaborate on the 3rd point some more. There's such a thing as too big, and you don't have to be absurdly large to be in that circumstance. There's variance with this as well: Where does it land in the range of "slightly uncomfortable" to "practically impossible", and for which sexual acts/positions? Here are some of the factors that affect this:
  • The woman's personal anatomy
  • The woman's personal state of correlation between pain and sexual pleasure
  • The woman's level of arousal at the time (this is positively correlated with the amount of space that she can make for your member, at least vaginally)
I spent so much time and energy worrying that I could be too small, but all that time the opposite problem was more likely to occur. When I have my first sexual experience, if she wishes that it was smaller, the irony just might kill me.



I'll continue to write about this penis size stuff, I love doing so (no homo)
 
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Jinx2109

Member
[Post-Midnight Post]

I nearly caved in to the urge to submerge myself in substitutes today. I feel guilty for getting that close to taking one of Bless's lives. I'm sorry Bless, my selfishness is putting you in danger. I'll become the friend that you deserve, getting there day by day.


Penis Talk, Part Three

I don't remember when, but at some point my personal evaluation of my penis size shifted from "average" to "above average". Of course, there's quite a lot of variance in the scope of the latter term. I considered myself to be on the low end of this spectrum.

A few days ago I read about penis size some more, and finally got a good erect girth measurement. Here's my new verdict, taking into account my measurements and everything that I've read/heard about this topic: I'm definitely somewhere in the top 10% for both erect length and erect girth (probably for the flaccid measurements too but those are difficult to figure out because I get hard when I try to take them lol).

I had underestimated how much of a statistical outlier the men in porn really are. The vast majority of the male population has a penis size that's considered "average", and these penises are capable of satisfying the vast majority of women. Porn is a spectacle, not at all a representation of real sex. It makes sense that it would frequently feature such anomalous men. But even if you the viewer catches on to that, it won't necessarily prevent you from developing insecurity. This is due to the "Bigger is Better" mentality that porn actively perpetuates, in ways such as:
  • The woman making remarks about the size of the penis
  • The over-the-top reactions that the woman expresses while intercoursing with the penis
  • The woman being physically capable of handling a penis of that size
  • Within the narrative of the porn; the sexual encounter happening because of the woman's interest in the penis, because of its size
  • Techniques that the industry uses to make the penis look bigger (EX: The average female porn actress's hand is probably quite a bit smaller than your own hand if you're a dude, so if you're jerking off and you're comparing your size with his you're being biased by the hands)
I want to elaborate on the 3rd point some more. There's such a thing as too big, and you don't have to be absurdly large to be in that circumstance. There's variance with this as well: Where does it land in the range of "slightly uncomfortable" to "practically impossible", and for which sexual acts/positions? Here are some of the factors that affect this:
  • The woman's personal anatomy
  • The woman's personal state of correlation between pain and sexual pleasure
  • The woman's level of arousal at the time (this is positively correlated with the amount of space that she can make for your member, at least vaginally)
I spent so much time and energy worrying that I could be too small, but all that time the opposite problem was more likely to occur. When I have my first sexual experience, if she wishes that it was smaller, the irony just might kill me.



I'll continue to write about this penis size stuff, I love doing so (no homo)
Great job saving Bless's life!!! I just want to applaud you on that since denying a temptation can be one of the most difficult things to get used to, but you did great!

Side note: a healthy woman's vagina can birth a baby, so safe to say that being "too big" probably isn't as much of a logistical issue. However it's more likely, speaking as someone who had this problem myself, that having hypertension in the pelvic floor muscles is the biggest issue for most women when it comes to painful sex outside of the arousal level you already mentioned. This pelvic floor issue is treatable thankfully. The only other issue may be that with length of the man he may hit the cervix which can be painful but that can be controlled by the couples level of control with intercourse. The cervix can be higher or lower in the vaginal canal depending on the woman but also depending on the time of month. Just thought youd appreciate the info from a womans medical perspective.
 

Schmuck

Member
No significant problems with urges today, feeling like I've gotten out of the relapse period that began 2 months ago.
This new era of cleanliness has the potential to absolutely dwarf that 2-month figure, how exciting!

Here's a random homemade meme based on true events
catfishmeme (1).jpg
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Penis size isn't the only measurement-based thing that I'm in the top 10% of. In a different category, I'm supposedly in the top 2%: Height. I'm 6'3" (190.5 cm).

I believe that the amount of importance height has in our society is stupid. I didn't earn this, and those who don't have it shouldn't be made to feel like they're inferior. I hope that the way our society views height improves in my lifetime, and I expect that it will, especially considering that it's something out of the person's control. I'm very grateful for my own height though, I need all of the conventionally attractive traits that I can get.

Haha, I feel like I could be a Monkey's Paw wish for some women out there.
"I want a white 6'3" boyfriend with blue eyes and a big dick"
"OK, but [lists all 20 of my major flaws]"
I'm hoping that I'll find someone who views some of my flaws in a neutral or even positive light (mainly the way that I'm wired, and my various inexperiences).

Penis size and height aren't really correlated by the way, in case anyone reading this believed otherwise. Here are some other penis size misconceptions, in addition to the ones that I've already discussed:
  • Penis size isn't really correlated with other body measurements either, like hands or feet
  • The correlation between race and penis size is severely overexaggerated culturally. Those stereotypes shouldn't exist
  • The correlation between flaccid size and erect size isn't strong enough to allow you to predict what a flaccid dick will look like when hard very accurately. The only fairly safe assumption that can be made is that it will get bigger, not smaller
  • Penis size is typically less important than at least several other factors when it comes to the quality of sex


Earlier this year, when my penis size insecurity began to erode more quickly than ever before, it was an interesting time. In some ways, however, it was bad for my reboot. My confidence in my body was reaching a healthier point, but sometimes it felt like I was glorifying my member. I developed a now discontinued habit of staring at my dick in the mirror until I got hard, which usually didn't take very long. I was also susceptible to getting hard when I was in my bedroom and wearing clothing that made my bulge easily visible [this was something that would happen before this era too though, especially when I'd put on underwear after showering. I blame it on the penis-reveal clips that I had consumed so many of]. And of course appreciating my dick more meant that I was more inclined to masturbate. I improved my previously stale techniques in this era, as I became more comfortable with the star of the show.

It's like I was telling myself, "this thing is powerful; I need to see it at its peak frequently, keep it active, and think about it often". In hindsight, this self-objectification was cringey. I'd like to elaborate on that fourth bulletin point up there, to prove how silly I was being during both my insecurity days and my briefer misguided self-empowerment days. Here are some of those most prominent factors:
  • The emotional connection between the two people
  • Communication, verbal and nonverbal
  • Technique
  • The familiarity between the two people's bodies
  • State of mind and energy levels
  • Safety and hygiene
  • What you choose to do after the sex
How much mental energy did I spend thinking about these factors? Or about how I could make myself more desirable through changing things that I actually have control over, things that actually matter? Not enough. Instead, I was being distracted and held down by that fucking stupid insecurity.

You may have noticed that some of these points can cause insecurity for someone with no sexual experience. My case is proof of that, as you'd expect by now. To once again be optimistic: These issues aren't very detrimental when you're with someone who genuinely loves you and is thus willing to be patient with you. If I can find a woman to accomplish that with, I'll be more than fine :)

I'm curious to know how many women enjoy taking men's virginities and helping them develop sexually. The opportunity has some aspects that could be considered perks, in my outsider opinion
 
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Spadeship

Member
Uh, anyways

Schmuck's Addict Brain's Pro-Tip #53: If there's a small window of time in between posting a journal entry and falling asleep, make sure to MO during it, and use a few substitute pics to finish. There won't be any need to self-report it the following day.

Wrong Brain, reporting it is entirely necessary! I don't care how much of a failure it makes me look like, I won't let you persuade me into deceiving by omission again.

The MO was sparked by me looking up a sexual term that I had thought about earlier in the day. Of course my addict brain just absolutely needed to read about it.

If I adopted a cat named Streak upon the creation of my first journal, and Streak had 81 lives, and each time I looked at porn or substitutes or had a masturbation session fueled by pornographic thoughts one of those lives was taken, would Streak be dead or alive right now? I'm not entirely sure, but my gut is telling me "No".

View attachment 754

Meet Bless, freshly adopted from the gettyimages shelter. Bless is a fairly normal cat, nine lives. Each time I slip up, Bless loses one.

I respect cats, but I've never owned any. Jinx, however, loves them.
I really, really don't want to harm Bless.
I want to con adopt him with you. Don’t kill the cat bro and I promise to do the same!
 

Schmuck

Member
I want to con adopt him with you. Don’t kill the cat bro and I promise to do the same!
I appreciate the gesture, but I'd prefer if Bless lived a single-household life. There are plenty of other cats that are willing to risk their lives by being adopted by us addicts, I'd get one of your own. Uh, not that the cats have anything to worry about haha
 

Schmuck

Member
I had another very close call early this morning, this time regarding porn-influenced masturbation. I woke up prematurely right after a failed sex dream had ended. After using the bathroom, I tried falling back asleep, in hopes of getting a second chance. I foolishly started thinking sexual thoughts, assuming that it would make recreating sex in my dreams easier. Of course, these thoughts leaned heavily into porn, and my dick decided that it wanted to settle things in the awake way.

Thus ensued a tug-of-war between my addiction and my better judgement, my dick toiling in erection limbo. I wanted so badly to go all the way, but I knew that the repercussions of doing so would be severe. Eventually I decided that if I could successfully MO without any pornographic thoughts, the issue would be resolved. I wouldn't feel like doing a second round fueled by porn, it would give my dick closure, it wouldn't be too chronic considering that it had been a few days since I last MOed, and it wouldn't take away one of Bless's lives. But once I blocked out the porn thoughts I dipped below 85% hardness, so I gave up and ended up half-sleeping for a bit before beginning my day.

I want to go as long as I can without MOing, but for the times in which I feel the need to do it, the need needs to be genuine, and I need to be able to perform at at least 95% efficiency.

Maybe if I had some sexual experience under my belt I'd be able to visualize sexual activity in my dreams more easily. And maybe if I hadn't developed a porn addiction I wouldn't be so lacking in it. My story is just bursting with irony, isn't it?
 
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Schmuck

Member
[Post-Midnight Post]

Besides what took place this morning, urges weren't a problem today. As for yesterday, I was occupied and away from home for basically the whole day, so no (P)MO problems there.

amiwrongthough.jpg
The most successful one I've made, based on feedback from elsewhere

More Schmuck Lore, more potentially triggering discussion

In the era prior to beginning my first journal, I tried to deescalate the content that I was getting off to, in hopes of making it as softcore as possible. I suppose that I became old-fashioned, gravitating towards looking at solo and group pictures of women, sometimes clothed.
There were primarily two different groups of women that I developed a stronger sexual interest in during this time. One of these groups is relevant to today's discussion: Black women.

Porn has a habit of sexualizing people based on things that shouldn't be sexualized, and race is no exception. I know that black women are not inherently more sexual beings, and that not all of them fervently lust over white guys, but that didn't stop me from fetishizing them under the influence of lies like those. Sometimes it can be difficult to determine the Natural : Influenced ratio of an attraction, but in hindsight I was definitely crossing the line. I'm attracted to women of all ethnicities, but for substantial reasons, not because of stereotypes involving their ethnicity or for the sake of being with someone of their ethnicity. Being naturally more interested in people of a certain ethnicity is fine, but if you have a bucket-list mentality involving ethnicity and sex/relationships, rip it to shreds.

As you'd expect from an addict, there were times when I'd get bored of such relatively tame material. I'd go back to more explicit stuff, stuff where a woman was actually intercoursing instead of just standing there. As for how I incorporated my pornographic interest in black women into this, it usually involved looking for content that paired them with white men. This was a racial-reversal of nearly all of the comics that were a part of the group that I discussed earlier, as well as some of the real-life porn that I had consumed. I liked the aesthetical contrast between the two sexes.

When I revisited the "Black Woman White Man" content during my relapses, I had a stronger sense of self-insertion. I was now more empowered regarding my penis, and my belief in its "worthiness" of being used by these women strengthened. Since this empowerment was based on size, and this content reflected content from my earlier porn days, and my interest in that stuff heavily involved size, there was a full-circle effect going on. I need to launch this circle like a discus far away from me, as part of my journey of expelling porn's influences from my life.
 
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Schmuck

Member
I earned my mattress privileges back today! Maybe now I can get a decent night's sleep. I don't think that this challenge was much of a net positive for my reboot, but [Wait a sec, "was"? Did you forget that if you slip up again the challenge will restart?...Well, good luck dude]

I filmed another cajon session today ("One Week of Strength"), but it didn't meet my standards for something that I'd post online. These standards have risen lately, correlating with my interest in outsider music lessening. I expect that this will end up being another case of a hyperfixation becoming a more passive interest. "Optimal" might be the only outsiderish song that I end up creating, now that I'm more open to actually learning music. Also, my face was visible in the video, and I don't like the way that it made me look. I hope that "Two Weeks of Strength" will be more successful.

Nick Talks Dicks Part Six
During many of my porn relapses this year, I looked for content that focused on size, including penis-reveal stuff. The insecurity wasn't as strong anymore of course, but the interest that I had in the content remained. It was still a spectacle to me, and I was still viewing porn with a "Bigger is Better" mentality. If I continue to be sober, and if I develop a real sex life, I'll conquer this nonsense with reality.

As strange as it sounds, sometimes I'd care more about the man's penis than the woman's physical appearance! Isn't it astounding how porn can do that to a straight guy like me. Not that I've always been 100% certain of my heterosexuality. Porn, combined with youth and loneliness, placed doubt in my head. I understand the inevitability of the latter factors, but porn's contribution was clearly unhealthy.
Notice how in the first sentence, my objectification of women is more well-rounded than that of men. In the environment of porn, I wasn't very invested in the rest of the man's physical appearance. As for the real world, in which penises aren't publicly displayed, the low amount of attraction that I had for men was mostly directed towards relatively feminine ones who were my age or slightly younger. When I felt like I was alienated from the female sex, they seemed like a more "accessible" alternative. I'm relieved that I didn't form some sort of relationship with a guy during this confused era, that wouldn't have been fair to him.
 
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Schmuck

Member
I was hard or semi-hard pretty often yesterday. I took this as a sign that it was OK to MO, so I did it last night. I was able to block out porn thoughts efficiently, and I didn't rely on healthier sexual fantasy very much. This is what was going through my head:
  • Focusing on the physical sensations of the MO
  • Memory-listening to a handful of songs that I like
  • Personifying my effort to block out porn thoughts as some sort of light-hearted cartoon character living in my head
But even under these ideal circumstances, the MO wasn't as rewarding as I hoped that it would be. It was definitely unnecessary, and like I said earlier in this journal, I should just leave these erections alone. And also like I've already figured out, they wouldn't be so common if I was in my room less often.
 
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Schmuck

Member
[Post-Midnight Post]

Another good day for me and Bless :)
I kept myself occupied with various things, two of which I should've done a long time ago:
  • Contacted a local driving school to express interest in their services
  • Ordered a stronger pair of music-playing headphones
In regards to the headphones; It took me a while to find a pair that was above 24 (my current pair's ranking) or 25 NRR, and it ended up only being 29 NRR, but it'll totally be worth it. I feel like an idiot for not doing this sooner, and as for driving, don't get me started [just yet]…

Another enjoyable activity was picking a video game back up, one that I had started for the first time not too long ago. It feels like an overall positive contribution to my wellbeing. It's a visual novel puzzle game so it has definitive ends and isn't as detrimental to my fingers, you can "Save" and "Load" at almost every interval, the women in the game aren't severely triggering, and of course playing it makes me happy. It's not 5,000% productive, but at this point I feel like when I take that sort of approach it gets me closer to relapsing due to feeling overwhelmed
You've deceived me yet again, Brain. I had already learned that I can be triggered by practically anything involving women, and thus this game would have that capability, but you were like, "Hey, this game will cheer you up, go back to it!". Stop kicking me while I'm down with this depression.

At least I was clean yesterday. Also, I won't be tempted to go back to the game since I completed it.
I bought this game and its two sequels as a trilogy. I've been secretly playing the sequels, but I got especially bored of the gameplay today, so I spoiled the remainder of the story for myself. Although the sequels have sex appeal as well, they never triggered me to the extent that the first one did. This lower amount of triggeredness had more to do with my readiness for the sex appeal than it did with the sex appeal itself.

Discussion about types of porn ahead

As I'm sure many of you know, Japanese porn generally has some differences from western porn. This uniqueness led to it becoming a staple of my porn consumption for the entirety of the laptop-and-beyond era. Nearly all of the women in this content are Japanese or a different Asian ethnicity, so fetishizing them by consuming this content is very easy to subconsciously do. Pro-Tip: The most effective strategy against developing this fetishization is to not consume this content at all. Super-Pro-Tip: Stop consuming porn altogether, you'll thank me later 😉

Discussion about penis size ahead, for the three-trillionth time

Size insecurity can cause performance anxiety. Whether or not a dick "works" is more important than its size, so have confidence in yourself and your member!

Also, please don't lie about your height or dick size. It can makes things more difficult for men who are honest in these regards, and if you get caught, oof. I know that the bullshit pressures of society can be a burden, but in order for those pressures to be alleviated, we need to exhibit self-acceptance, honesty, and confidence. And I know that it's very easy for me to say that, but just because I happen to be the person doing so in this time and place doesn't mean that it's not true. [Also, if you exaggerate your size it could actually backfire if she believes that your supposed size would be uncomfortably big for her]

Speaking of acceptance, let's talk about size queens. I understand why some men have negative feelings towards them, but I can assure you all that they aren't in the wrong. They have a right to have that sexual preference, and to prefer men who are more capable of fulfilling it. Yeah it means that the vast majority of men won't be sexually ideal for them; but instead of selfishly viewing that as a slight against you, you should view it as a burden on their behalf. And as for the men that they have a stronger interest in, their larger packages can be a burden as well, being too much for some women to handle. I'm very happy to know that there are environments in which these two groups of people can connect with each other. [For the record, men who aren't huge aren't necessarily off the table for size queens, depending on her priorities and range and other case-by-case factors]
[EDIT: If someone tries to make a man feel bad for not being in the top X%, then yeah that's wrong of them to do so. Obviously most size queens (and people in general) aren't like that. Sometimes I forget about how shitty some people can be...]

I wish that I could contribute some substantial discussion towards penis size and homosexuality (where it seems to be more important), but unfortunately that's not in my wheelhouse, at least at the moment.
 
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Schmuck

Member
Furthermore, I think porn that is focussed on huge dicks is actually not about the dick, but about the girl taking that dick. In porn women are displayed as sluts or even worse. A lot of porn is about degrading women. A huge dick is as much part of that as a women being pinned down or having her hair pulled. For that reason I doubt watching that sort of thing has anything to being gay or not.
That's an excellent point! I hadn't really thought of that before, and to be honest, it's not the first time that I've failed to notice a way in which porn harms women. I may be aware of how awful porn can be for society and the consumers and the performers, but I have a natural bias for picking up on things that affect my own gender.

Thank you for your perspective MissDark :) I'm grateful that you and Jinx and other women are here with us, working together to figure things out and better ourselves
 

Schmuck

Member
Not sure whether misogyny is such good alternative though😉

I actually do understand most men don't pick up on that. It's simply not their direct concern.
You're right. I have an easier time noticing the male side of things since it's the side that I'm on, but I feel like the misogynistic influences of porn that still have a presence inside of me are limiting my capability to give the female side the amount of consideration that it deserves.

I'm going to have a stronger focus on the female side of porn-related topics in later entries, once this journal becomes less about myself.
 

Schmuck

Member
The reversal has continued, feeling like I'm in control.

When I went into the family room to hang out with the dog, my mom had a news program on. When I glimpsed at the TV, there was a female reporter speaking, and no one else in the shot. The primal, instinctive feeling of "I am attracted to this woman" felt like it was closer to its natural strength than it's been in a long time. After admiring her for a few seconds, I got up and moved on with my day.
[I went into the kitchen while writing this entry, and had a similar experience with a woman who was in a commercial. So this wasn't just a one-time thing sparked by an an especially beautiful woman, although to be fair they were both stunning 😅]

Over time, I've made some connections between rebooting and outsider music:
  • Some outsider artists don't/didn't view their work in a very high regard, but that doesn't stop some listeners from developing an appreciation for it. This is similar to how other people can see positive qualities in us, qualities that can be difficult for us to observe and believe in ourselves. Of course, succeeding in your recovery makes doing so easier
  • Just like some more conventional artists, some outsiders artists succumbed to addiction, and thus weren't able to reach their full potential
  • One of my favorite outsider musicians, Larry "Wild Man" Fischer, had his creativity stifled by the medication that he started taking near the end of his life for his paranoid schizophrenia. To have a positive correlation between wellbeing and creativity is a blessing. Rest in Peace

"If you're a part of that recovery group that you mentioned way earlier, and if you have an accountability partner, why did you relapse so many times?"

Great question, here are my answers:

The meetings that are held in the group are limited to being an hour long, and sometimes not everyone has a chance to check in. I haven't checked in in a long time, using this as my main and "selfless" excuse. Therefore, I don't have to own up to what I've done.
I have a good idea of what I need to do for the good of my recovery, so receiving feedback isn't that necessary. Developing inner strength, that's what's necessary.
There are text channels in the Discord server, and of course they can be used at any time. I don't use them very often, I'd rather focus on my journal and the journals of others.

Jinx has been an incredible blessing to have in my life, as both a friend and an accountability partner. She's more than willing to help me out, but I have a fairly consistent history of not allowing her the opportunity to do so in my moments of temptation. I think to myself, "I can handle this on my own, I need to develop more independence, it's embarrassing that I'm in this situation in the first place, I'm not going to contact her". To what extent are these thoughts sneakily fueled by my addict brain?
When I report the shortcomings in my sobriety, her reactions are always sympathetic. My addict brain has exploited this, making me feel like the consequences of relapsing are weaker than they really are. She has seemingly unconditional platonic love for me; in order for me to prove my platonic love for her in return, I need to succeed in this journey.

I figured that I'd be done talking about penis size stuff for a while, but I remembered some more talking points about it recently.
Most women are aware of how important penis size is to guys, and they can make use of this knowledge. She can praise its size if she wants to make you feel good about yourself, but she can also belittle it if she wants to make you feel bad. So if she does the latter to you, don't take it to heart. [These behaviors aren't something that I'd expect most women to do, but it's worth mentioning. A more common alternative of the former would be something like, "Don't worry, it's great! It's totally capable of amazing sex, and it's attached to a really special guy"]
Because of the cruel and miseducated attitudes regarding penis size that are present in society, there's probably a somewhat positive correlation between a man's size and the outgoingness of his sex life. And there's definitely a positive correlation between his size and his interest in bragging about it and/or showing it off. This slightly skews the perceived average size, creating a bit of a detrimental cycle. Remember guys, don't let this bullshit get to you!
 
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Schmuck

Member
[Post-Midnight Confession]

I said that I would acknowledge all of my slipups from now on; it's time to honor my word.

I've been measuring my member and taking pictures of it. I wanted to be certain of my dimensions, and I was still in a self-objectifying mentality. I've discussed in my journal multiple times how penis size generally doesn't matter that much, but I was still focusing on it on a personal level. What a lame thing to do, especially since there are other ways to use your time that will actually make you more desirable to women.

I got the urge to do another needless measurement/photo session tonight, and in order to assure optimal hardness, this time around I eventually resorted to using a substitute: My lewd texts with Aurora. Pretty fucked up, I admit.

This also ended up being an MO session, predictably. It felt better than usual at the end, but obviously I feel shitty about having done it.

This could be an especially impressive trick by my addict brain to set up the Chaser Effect and get off track again, but I feel like this is more of its own thing, despite the correlation between porn and my self-objectification. So I'm not going to harm Bless or expel my mattress again, but I'm on thin ice! I deleted all of the photos of it that I've ever taken, and I promise to stop taking new ones and measuring it [this journal is really something else...]
 
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Schmuck

Member
I've been doing fine so far today, but that's not saying much considering that I got home not too long ago. I still feel embarrassed about what I did last night, but on the bright side, admitting to doing it has brought me to my senses regarding that topic. Now I'm focusing on accomplishing things of substance.

I've heard that there are some camgirls out there who sell the opportunity for the consumer to masturbate with them, webcam-to-webcam. I've never really watched camgirls before, but I feel like if my confidence in my penis was at one of the levels that it's been at this year, I probably would've tried this at least once during my adult pre-awareness days. I'm very glad that I didn't, for a multitude of reasons.

I want to use this post to talk about a related topic: Prostitution. This is another sexual "service" that I likely would've used at least once during that era, under the hypothetical of it being legal and accessible to me. Again, I'm relieved that I didn't do such a thing. I'll explain why, and keep in mind that many of these points also apply to the topic of camgirls.

It's critical that enthusiastic, genuine consent is present during all sexual acts. This is practically never achieved when the sex is purchased; you're using the power of money to bypass the fact that she doesn't actually want to do these things with you, thus reducing her to being an object under your control. Not only is this an awful thing to do, I would go so far as to consider it a form of rape, and I'm not at all alone in that stance.

Not only does she not want to be having sex with you, she doesn't want to be in the "industry" at all. Of course, leaving it is easier said than done. The ways in which it entraps these women is tragic, including
  • The heartlessness of their boss(es)
  • Vulnerability to developing drug addictions
  • Crippling issues with self-worth, dehumanization, alienation, etc.
  • Losing confidence in their ability to escape their current life
If you really want to help these women out, do so in a way that's actually effective.

I'm definitely forgetting some major points that I've learned over the last two years, but the existence of what I've already brought up is more than enough reason to avoid exploiting these women. There are reasons why doing so is bad for the buyer as well, some of which I'm remembering. Obviously these ones aren't as important, but they're still very much worth mentioning.

Prostitute sex isn't as fulfilling as "real" sex, even if you block out the immorality. You might have some kind of romantic feelings for her, but it's very unlikely that they're felt in return. And even under those circumstances, the fact that it's merely a transaction remains. I'm very, very aware of how awful intimacy starvation can feel, but prostitution is a bandage filled with holes that you beat up an innocent woman to get your hands on.
It's difficult to imagine a prostitute-exploiting man who's innocent of objectifying other women, who treats sex as an effort to have both participants be pleased, who doesn't feel entitled to receiving sex whenever he wants it. You wouldn't be the exception
 
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Schmuck

Member
I don't really feel like doing anything right now, negativity. Journaling feels like the best option, so I'll go with that. As for what to write about, I might as well explain my driving situation.

Things didn't start out too unusual. I got my permit a few months after turning 16 and took Driver's Education in the summer, somehow surviving. Months later I accidentally damaged the van with the telephone pole in our yard, which took the wind out of my sails for some time. I had 2 road tests scheduled in the summer after graduating, but I had to miss them both due to unfortunate circumstances, and after that my sails were frozen stiff. Letting them get that way proved to be a big mistake, considering where I'm at now.

I didn't practice driving very often after those missed tests, lowering my confidence even further. The ability to drive wasn't as necessary in my life compared to the lives of others, but obviously it was an area well worth pursuing. For over 3 years now every important place has been within biking (and often walking) distance, but the weather nullifies my ability to bike during winter. I re-earned my permit earlier this year and have done some practicing, but not enough.

I'm not a very good driver, and it's not just because of a relative lack of experience. I feel like the way that I'm wired makes driving well difficult. My instinctual choices are sometimes suboptimal, I worry too much about what other drivers are doing, I have a hard time getting over the bullshit that I encounter*, my awareness of my surroundings sometimes falters, etc. It's common for people on the Autism Spectrum to have more difficulty becoming good drivers compared to others, and I'm anecdotal proof of that.
*[Within the small amount of practice time I've had this year, there have been a handful of "WTF it's like people are conspiring to discourage me from driving" moments, the most ridiculous one being this: Some fuckhead on a bicycle swerving around to music aimlessly and slowly in my lane with his hands off of the handlebars, while the 45,728,329,031,084,205th tailgater of my lifetime who had already been devouring my ass went deeper before passing me.]

The drive to and from work is usually alright, but I don't like the open-ended practice sessions, only doing them out of necessity. My dislike for driving was strengthened by the bolstering of my fear of death, sparked by the beginning of my first journal. I've been feeling especially existential lately, turning 23 several weeks from now and still being an underachieving agnostic.

My procrastination on this area of life has been downright absurd. I've been viewing the advancement of it as a necessity for getting into dating, and I frequently obsess over my intimacy isolation, yet I've made a pitiful amount of progress on this shit. This just might be the most irrational thing that I've ever done, and that's really saying something. It's like I'm trying to shelter myself from this one thing that I'm building up as this huge obstacle, while I'm letting my lack of access to a thing that's guarded by said obstacle poison me. I hate myself so much for all of the problems that I've created for myself, and my stupid fucking brain puts fixing these problems on the backburner in favor of fruitless dopamine shit.

I started to use dating sites prematurely a few months ago. As my distractions became less common, the loneliness became more difficult to bear. If I hadn't been able to distract myself so efficiently for so many years, I probably wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. I don't know how much longer I can go without making some significant progress towards forming a relationship. I strongly tied "success with women" with happiness over the years of my impressionable youth, big mistake.

I could look for a long-term relationship specifically, since whether or not I can drive wouldn't be much of a factor, but I feel a strong need for physical intimacy. I'm open to long-term stuff with women from the autism-centered dating sites, but I don't expect to have any success on those.

I have the capability to improve things. I just need to have confidence in myself, in defiance of these scores of negativity. Other people have confidence in me too, including in regards to this issue specifically, I guess that I'm outvoted then haha. I feel a bit better now
 

Schmuck

Member
I haven't had much issue with urges today. Last night was more difficult; I had another episode of "Wanting to check out a sub that you haven't explored much of", but I managed to resist it this time around. I also felt the urge to MO; my penis felt sympathy for me after I typed that stuff out, and it wanted to make me feel better. I embraced it, allowing it to stand tall, but after a couple of minutes or so of non-movement I let it fade. I knew that distracting myself with MO would be proof of my inability to learn from my mistakes.
I had the first nocturnal emission that I've had in a while later that night. Interestingly, the dream was related to something comical involving sex that I had said to a coworker that same day.

I intend to make this journal a high-quality read, in terms of its helpfulness
I've probably done a poor job of this so far. Here's a piece of advice that might help some of you: Use bookmarks on your Internet browser to reduce the opportunities of triggers. For example, if you use a website for the pages of specific people, bookmark them to avoid seeing all that other stuff on the homepage.

The email conversation that I had with the driving school basically ended with "Call us to register for lessons", which I did this morning. Unfortunately, due to the bookings of others, my lessons won't occur until early-mid December. Obviously this is my fault for procrastinating so much. In the meantime, I'll continue to practice with my parents. Also, the lesson package includes a road test, so that's convenient.

At least 3 more months, and I'll be 23 years old by then. It feels unnatural to me, to have lived this long without really participating in the most important part of life, something that I first sought out about a decade ago. I guess that that means that my decisions have been unnatural themselves, since this is of my own doing.
I know that the way that I'm wired can be beneficial sometimes, but I often wish that I was more "normal". I've been letting my behavior stray further away from normality, and it's usually for the worse. For example, when I play pickleball (which now includes Friday evenings btw), I act like a spazz, even when that young woman is there. I'm sure that it gets on people's nerves sometimes, but in the moment I'm too ingrained in my own little world to care.
When things with Aurora were looking promising, I thought to myself, "I just want a fairly normal life with this woman. I don't need activism or robust creative projects to make me feel fulfilled". I'll probably feel this in the future with other women too.

My interest in women has continued to grow, man I love them so much. I'd be thoroughly content with just one though, I promise. There's so much to discover and appreciate within a single human being.

I've heard that it's been scientifically proven that loneliness is bad for your health. Would this be a good thing to put in my dating profiles?

"Loneliness is bad for your health. I value the ability to help cure someone of it, and I'd love to be cured myself"

It may sound desperate, but in my case, wouldn't that be honesty?

I want to end this post positively, so I'll say this: I may be alone intimately, but I'm not alone socially. I have family, coworkers, friends, acquaintances, and an accountability friend the likes of which of other rebooters would kill (their bad habits) for. As awful as I make this situation feel, it could be much worse.
 
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Schmuck

Member
This morning continued the trend of being slow to start my day during the weekend. I felt tempted to MO after getting out of the shower, but I once again resisted. Stop looking at it so often!

I went to the grocery store for the first time in 2 weeks, and I have to admit that I could've done better with not looking at women.
At one point, me and someone else were on course to bump into each other, so after we briefly made eye contact I stepped aside near an employee, waiting awkwardly for her to pass. A couple of minutes later, I remembered that she was one of the women who I vaguely remembered from high school that I "Liked" on a dating app [She didn't match with me, just like all of the other women that I "Liked"]. This was a painful reminder to me about how awkward and socially inexperienced I am in-person.
Dating apps have their fair share of problems, but the fact that initial interest is confirmed or denied before communicating is a blessing. Figuring out whether or not a women is into me is very difficult for me, and I'm afraid to get it wrong due to how it could affect her
  • If she's not into me (and/or is already in a relationship) and I make an advancement, she might be bothered by it, viewing me as a creep/nuisance/etc. [On the bright side, she could be flattered instead]
  • If she's into me but I don't make an advancement, I deprive her of myself and make her feel unworthy [Ladies, please don't rule out the option of being the one to make the first move]
The latter point makes me feel guilty for not being ready to go back to the apps yet. And I also feel guilty for rejecting some of the women who "Liked" my profile, even though things wouldn't have worked out between me and them considering that the interest wasn't there on my end. And I feel especially guilty for rejecting the single mother due to my unpreparedness for being a father. If all of this sounds a bit ridiculous to you, if you believe that my selflessness regarding women is at an unhealthy level, then yeah you're right. I agree with you, and so do my friends. What I need to remember is this: The rewards for being my best self, putting myself out there, and finding someone suitable for me are massive. How can I extensively write about how much I hate being alone, but then let the possibility of inconveniencing other people become such an obstacle? Especially when the points about my inaction causing other problems exist.
I've obsessed over trying to figure out how "moral" I was with Aurora. Here's what I've come up with: I exhibited a little bit of selfishness regarding sexual stuff, but overall I treated her well. Just because she ended things doesn't mean that I was in the moral wrong. My most confident (but that's not saying much) theory as to why she ended it is this: Her interest in being in a relationship in general declined over time, and I wasn't valuable enough to her to accommodate for that.

[EDIT: Paragraph removed due to lethal levels of cringe. As revealing as I've been, there's still some things that are better left unsaid. Eh, in this case I can summarize it: Earlier today, I had another instance of directing an embarrassing amount of thought towards an absurd hypothetical that would result in me getting a girlfriend. I did it as a joke, but it still made me feel pathetic.]

One of the reasons why over the years I haven't put as much effort into achieving success with women as I should have was that I kind of assumed that it would happen on its own. Being taught that relationships and sex are incredible things, feeling the disappointment of not having either, I was naïvely thinking, "There's no way that society and the people around me will let me go without these things for too long, right?".

Yeah let's forget about poverty and starvation and human trafficking and violence and environmental issues and disease and drug abuse and all of the other tragedies that exist in this country, we need to prioritize helping this guy solve a comparatively trivial issue that he has the capability of solving himself. And don't tell him that he's lucky to be in an environment where he has the freedom to choose who and how to love, we don't want him to feel like the selfish ungrateful unaccountable idiot that he is.
 
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Schmuck

Member
20220924_010627.jpg
Posting a picture of Bless to remind myself of their existence and everything that's involved with it.

I've noticed that my journal hasn't been interacted with by other users as often as some other journals on this site have been. I don't take it personally, in fact it makes a lot of sense to me. How do you respond to such unorthodox posts? How much text are you willing to read? How much negativity and off-topicness can you tolerate? How much faith do you have in my honesty? And then there's this:
As for this current journal, is it worth reading? No, not unless your name is Schmuck or Jinx.
Can it become something great? Of course!
Who's capable of making that a reality? Me, by not being such a fuckup
Have I redeemed myself yet?

My first two journals were more conventional, but as this reboot stuff became the norm, my stubborn need to be different settled in.

Combating Penis Size Insecurity Pro-Tip #14
If you have pubic hair surrounding your dick, it'll look smaller than it actually is.
...Yes, I trimmed myself after remembering this 😝 I got too nervous to finish trimming them all though.

This is another way in which porn makes dicks look bigger, considering that the men are almost always hairless down there. I'm not fond of how porn makes pubic hair seem weird and unsexy, for both men and women. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable 😊

There's something ironic about my fear of driving; Safe driving is much safer than safe bicycling, for everyone involved, and until I can drive independently I'll still be dependent on bicycling. I get nervous when I ride my bike; how about I transform that nervousness into confidence regarding driving, enjoying the feeling of piloting something with protection and visibility and speed, knowing that my skills with it will improve, as they did with bicycling. [Sorry to all of the motorists who I've ever bothered with my bicycling presence; I've done my best to stay near the edge of the road, but the road is only so wide]

Did I ever mention that I have a big backlog of stuff to write about? It's easier to accomplish when I'm staying clean. Also, I'm doing it now to procrastinate on a creative project
 

Schmuck

Member
More journaling! More procrastination! More material for Jinx to catch up with later!

Being taught that relationships and sex are incredible things
We're also taught that there's more to life than those things, in fact your recovery group leader said so earlier today.

The rational part of me is aware of this, but I'm still set in my crippling beliefs.
In many of its communities, the most primary question regarding whether or not someone "has a right" to be on Squerple is what their relationship/sexual history is, especially what it is currently. A complete lack of a history (even down to kisses and hugs) is "ideal" for being accepted by these bitter and hateful strangers. A mentality of "If I was successful with women then everything in my life would be fine" is observable throughout the site, and of course I bought into it.

This is generally what I've heard from people who actually care about me and actually know what the fuck they're talking about:
  • Love yourself before you commit to loving someone else
  • Don't force being in a relationship, let it happen naturally
As you can imagine based on my earlier entries, I'm still struggling with these things. I remember as a teenager specifically thinking, "Once I get a girlfriend I'll start caring about stuff more". That plan backfired pretty hard, didn't it?

Instead of viewing the 3 months prior to taking my road test as a "Try not to let your loneliness absolutely consume you" challenge, I should view it as a window of opportunity for vigilant self-improvement. I need to become as desirable as I can, before I run out of women to match with and/or meet in-person.

I've noticed that there are a worrisome amount of people these days who have little faith in the opposite sex, especially in terms of their "value" as a partner. I'm curious about where the "truth" lies in between "The standards that women have for men these days are too high" and "Modern men aren't good enough", assuming that it can be found anywhere in between them at all. No matter what the "truth" is, I should try to be the best man that I can be!

I've been leaving my skin and fingernails alone, and I've been using a treatment on my skin to combat its ugliness. Wow, that sentence sounds super lame following what I just wrote, but hey its something. There are other areas of desirability that I'm doing at least alright in, and some of those advantages have been earned as opposed to being inherited.

I've implied that I'd rather seek out romantic relationships as opposed to hookups or sex buddies, and that's the case when I'm being rational, but sometimes I look forward to the opportunity of doing the latter endeavors. I know that they wouldn't be as fulfilling to me, but the influences of porn/society combined with my lifetime of sexual frustration are a formidable force. I also see them as an opportunity to be with women who are quite a bit older than me, which I would almost always prefer not to be the case in a serious relationship.
[Talking about types of porn again]
A common porn interest of mine was "Women of a motherly age" (I'm not gonna say the common term, but y'all know what I mean). Obviously this is a very typical interest, but I did the unusual and took it one step generation further.
In the era prior to beginning my first journal, I tried to deescalate the content that I was getting off to, in hopes of making it as softcore as possible. I suppose that I became old-fashioned, gravitating towards looking at solo and group pictures of women, sometimes clothed.
There were primarily two different groups of women that I developed a stronger sexual interest in during this time. One of these groups is relevant to today's discussion: Black women.
This was the other group of women. But unlike black women, my interest in this group was almost entirely contained to that extra-softcore stuff.

My interest in older women (especially older-older women) has generally decreased the further I've gotten away from porn, but I suspect that much of what is left of it is natural and explainable, and I don't feel guilty for having it. Back in the day, I even made a list of several reasons why the attraction towards the older-older women exists, to prove that it was more than just a case of escalating content.

I deeply want people who are generally unfavored as potential partners to experience love. I know what that's like, to face rejection so consistently, and thus I tend to slightly gravitate towards women who I feel might have difficulty with finding someone. [Of course, I'm not always a very good choice for them, like in the case of the single mother that I mentioned recently]

This kind of ties in to my attraction towards older women. I want to give them the experience of a young and energetic man doing his best to please them, providing them with the love that they deserve. Yeah there are other young men out there who are way more skilled sexually, but how many of them would do it as devotedly as me? And how many of them would go as high up as me in terms of age? And maybe some older women would enjoy taking a man's virginity (or at least having sex with a somewhat inexperienced man), it might be nostalgic for them.

There are apps that I could hypothetically use for making these fantasies a reality once I get my license, but I ought to stick to looking for a serious relationship, and stick to women who are around my own age. Maybe if I fail at that I can give this other stuff a try.

Earlier in this reboot I figured out why my lustful desires sometimes overtake my lovelorn ones. The lustful ones have a lower pain ceiling, and can be temporarily fooled by (P)MO. My lovelornness has the potential to be more potent, and thus I must've subconsciously done something in order to restrain it, in order for me to keep going. It's terrifying how easy it is for us to torture ourselves through the consequences of our inactions. I don't fully understand how some of the older rebooters manage to not completely lose it, considering how intensely I believe that I've misused so many years of my own. Maybe I'm just a negative person. Anyways, bless them, and bless the younger folks too, especially you Jinx 🫂
 
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