Radical Nineteen Layers


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No MO Day 1

I took a nap in between today's journal entries. It featured a nightmare in which I witnessed the CIA murder two people for knowing too much, and I had to escape for own my life and go on the run. Something scarier than a relapse, I'm impressed.

I didn't have to deal with as many boners during the second half of the day 🙂

I made an observation earlier in my reboot regarding why I enjoy getting erections so much, but I don't think that I've brought it up yet in this journal. I have mentioned that I didn't start masturbating until I was 18, and that ties into my theory: Because I spent a few years looking at arousing stuff without using the boners that it yielded, the satisfaction that I get from simply having one is stronger than normal.
A newer development in my erection enjoyment is this: Because of my size nonsense, I feel the need to remind myself of my dick's dimensional potential. Heaven forbid I see it in its flaccid state.

In addition to hookup stuff and things involving camgirls, I've been tempted to explore other sexual environments that are out there. For example, Squerple had dick-rating threads on the regular, and there are probably other places on the web that do that sort of thing too.
Reading compliments about my looks from multiple women on the dating sites felt incredible, but doing this penis stuff would be dumb and unnecessary, even if somehow all of the feedback came from women. Those compliments did wonders to combat my insecurity, but I'm not insecure about my dick anymore, right? [It is slightly curved though, and kind of ugly-looking, but how much does that really matter?]
I shouldn't explore the other sexual environments either.

Here's something of mine that I actually can share; a percussion session that I filmed this morning

In order to distract myself from obsessing over sex while still using my time productively, I should start the creativity project that I've been planning on for a while now. I've put it off due to it being intimidating, but that also means that it can be immersive, which would be especially helpful in this time period.
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I'm staying home from work again, so I might as well get some extra journaling in.

The dream-crafting part of my brain must have appreciated my compliment, considering the body horror nightmare that I had last night.
I was walking down a street, towards a punk/goth/alt-looking woman. As I got closer to her, she underwent grotesque transformations. Her face was swarmed with freckles, her nose shaped itself into a hexagonal cylinder and elongated pretty far, her brown eyes widened and became puddle-like, her posture and physique became reminiscent of a turkey, she sported yellow tail feathers, and when she looked back at me after I passed her, her face was covered by a plethora of some sort of yellow plant. [There's nothing wrong with freckles 😅 Just thought that it was still worth mentioning] Because of the nose and yellowness and avian characteristics, she reminded me of the Pokémon Zapdos, especially the sprite of it that's used in the metagame that I played.

In a different dream experienced that night, I was at some sort of public park, shooting hoops with a high school crush who had cute freckles gorgeous brown eyes and a sunshine smile. I was flirting with her, but it didn't seem to have a sexual angle, instead it was focused on convincing her that we should become boyfriend and girlfriend [obviously it doesn't happen that spontaneously in reality]. I'm glad that my desire to regain innocence was respected by this dream 🙂

Having dreams that feature crushes from my past (of which there is a large pool) has been a common thing for a long time. It's nothing personal Hearth 😅 If you had attended my school, and if my idiocy held at that age didn't get in the way of appreciating you, you'd possibly have the most prolific dreamography. I'd like to imagine that you would've been the girl who I actually ended up being with, but there's not much sense in thinking about a past hypothetical.
Interestingly, the woman who was featured in the first dream is a younger sister of a woman who I talked to for 1 day on one of the mainstream dating sites.

In the second dream, I had some sort of thought about going back to school, which is a different topic that I sometimes dream about. I would if I found something that I'd be consistently passionate about, and if I could do school full-time, but those circumstances don't seem very realistic to me. That would be a great opportunity to meet women [I was trying to think of a not-generic/cliche/redundant way to finish this sentence, and then Hearth texted me 😄 I don't need to find anyone right now, thanks for reminding me]

While I was writing this entry, I randomly remembered something involving the penis size aspect of my addiction. Back in my 2DS days, I found a real-person porn page that had a bunch of video thumbnails that featured massive schlongs, not even sure if all of them were real. Like I said earlier, I couldn't actually watch the videos, but I remember marveling at those picutures and chasing that size high in the time following.

Two dicks on a plate
A woman's shocked face
Sealed my fate
Just kidding mate
It's never too late
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No MO Day 2

Urges to look up porn/subs have risen, correlating with my guard lowering due to my focus on other things. The consequences of giving in would be immense, I can't forget that.
You know that you're still addicted when you search for something nonsexual, then spend some time looking for triggering stuff that's out of place in that digital environment. I've gotten much better with not doing this, but still, bruh.

Erections have been a nuisance today too, but to a slightly lesser extent compared to yesterday.

My hands are so very sneaky, making their way to my crotch as if it's an instinctual migration. Well, my mischievous monarch butterflies, what are you gonna do if I chop down the tree? Looks like I get to use my katana after all.
…Eh, I should probably keep it attached. Maybe someday I'll be able to fill up Hearth's chimney with my firewood [ooooookay let's stop the metaphors 😅 ]

Speaking of Hearth, I realized earlier this week that the very slow pace of our communication with each other is reminiscent of the past, before texting and email and such. This positive outlook appeals to the romantic in me
…but I'm not sure if my romantic side can survive. Am I being delusional with Hearth? Actually whether or not I am doesn't really matter, because my contrary interests are probably even more outlandish, and wouldn't be as rewarding if fulfilled. Similar to how I write journal material in my head before it gets put to digital paper, I've been mentally writing out profile shit for hookup apps. Stop tempting me Brain, let my heart take charge.
Hearth told me today that she's grateful for my understanding of how her autism affects her, and that most men think that she ghosts them when she doesn't actually, and that most men are clingy.
Y-yeah, what a nuisance right...

Aurora's sleep schedule was all over the place. I'd often stay up late talking to her, and there were times in which I needed to end the conversation earlier than she'd like due to the necessity of getting more than like 5 seconds of sleep. I've established quite the range, haven't I?


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I want to keep writing about my interesting dreams, whether they're directly related to my addiction or not. Not like my journal has been completely on-topic anyways, and not that it needs to be or would be better off for it.

Last night was a double-wammy; a relapse-ish dream and a different nightmare.
In the non-sexual one, I dropped in to Jinx's stream, and was physically transported to a painfully generic set where the show that she was hosting was doing painfully unoriginal game/talk show stuff. I specifically remember watching two people play a 1 vs 1 Family Feud ripoff that revolved around describing checkout line candy (omg so relatable! 🤮). To make it even more stereotypical, the live studio audience was irrationally excited to a phony degree.
That shit was pretty scary, but I know that Jinx will never stoop to such low levels with her content.

Potentially triggering paragraph ahead

The relapse-ish dream was more difficult to remember, but I recall watching a woman (probably my favorite porn actress, but couldn't tell for sure) dance on a stage and gradually reveal her bare breasts via intentional wardrobe malfunction. This was reminiscent of one of my favorite types of porn clips, tittydrops/reveals.
I recall nocturnally emitting to this, but also feeling regret, possibly in a state of only partial sleep. It's cool that this erotic dream revolved around referencing what's possibly my most innocent/healthy porn interest (and something that actually happens in reality), but I wish that it had featured someone else.
I saw a picture of the actress wearing a bikini in a meme that I found on a random page not too long ago, so roughly visualizing her (or a woman like her) in the dream was easier. No Brain, I don't need to look her up in order to evaluate my dream's accuracy. Yeah she's extremely attractive, but I'm never going to meet her. And even if I did, why would she want to have sex with me? I was just writing the other day about how she's a real human being and not an object. Use your brain, Brain.

There was a woman in the "Jinx Sells Out" dream who appeared near the end and left a strong impression on me, and in hindsight was linked to a subtopic of my addiction. She resembled a beautiful black woman who I had seen in a viral meme a few times, but unlike her this dream woman had green eyes. In the dream, she stood there as Jinx was printing receipts at a counter or something, and we kind of did a "look at each other but try not to make eye contact" sort of thing. Or maybe she actually was looking right at me, I'm not sure [The fogginess of recalling dreams combined with social ineptitude 🤣 ]. Anyways, she had a strong and intimidating aura of beauty.

Another potentially triggering paragraph ahead

This woman's appearance in my dream relates to something that I wrote in my journaling notes yesterday to discuss later, looks like now's an ideal time.
As I've implied earlier, the questionably healthy part of me likes to fantasize about nonwhite women who lust over white men. This same part of me also likes to fantasize about women who love my dick size. Well, what if I were to combine the two?
People on Squerple love to fight and argue, regardless of substance or justification or etc. Racial banter is a reoccurring form of this, and penis size is sometimes incorporated, because of course it is. Much of this is just bait/shitposting though, same with a lot of other argumentive stuff over there. Obviously porn has some themes like this too, so it's mixed together for me.
I respect people of all races, and I think that dividing ourselves over it and competing with each other is stupid, but there's an especially sick part of me that wants me to "rep my team" by spreading my "BWC" around.
"If you're gonna focus on only one woman, pick one that you can 'convert' to our side"
[Hearth and Aurora are both white, so I cannot/couldn't fulfill this with her]
No, I'm going to choose who to be with based on factors that are healthy and substantial, not this disgusting fetishizing nonsense.
This shit has occasionally crept into my fantasies, but I've been reluctant to mention it due to how much of a douchebag it makes me feel like. The black women in these fantasies sometimes have afro-esque hair, a characteristic of the woman in last night's dream.
If I ever meet and succeed romantically/sexually with a nonwhite woman who likes white men and big dicks, then OK that would be great, but I shouldn't go out specifically looking for such an opportunity, and I shouldn't view it as a sexual conquest in the name of my own race. Sorry if you've been suffering from cringe while reading this; Squerple users and other Internet losers are delusionally detached from reality, and I have yet to be entirely cured myself.

I just remembered that Hearth has green eyes as well. I think that I hope that that's just a coincidence.
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Wow, I have a ton of stuff to write about in my backlog. Better get to it

I'm not surprised that my favorite actress was featured in that meme, she seems to be fairly popular.
Despite being someone on the Autism Spectrum with a porn addiction, my interests didn't get too weird, and I'm grateful for that. Actually, there was a decent amount of outlandish stuff, but examples of those never took over my pornosphere for a lengthy period of time, and I very rarely revisited them during my relapses [which makes sense considering that the interests were formed mainly out of escalation and boredom of the more conventional content].
I've never developed a fetish, but I do have some weaker sexual interests. There's a sex act that I liked to watch porn of that I have an interest in doing one day, but I kind of want this interest to go away, for three main reasons:
  • It's one of those things in porn that looks more enjoyable than it really is, according to what I've read [at least in this case it's fairly safe and hygienic]. I believe those people, but on the other hand, I'd probably get a lot of mental satisfaction from doing it. As for why it's commonly featured in porn, it's because it's hot
  • When you really think about it, the enjoyment that's received from it would probably be skewed towards the man in most cases. I guess that if you're a woman you could treat it as one of those "I'll do this thing that he loves because I want him to feel good, and he'll do what I love because he wants me to feel good" things, or vice-versa if you're a man
  • A couple's capability of doing this sex act [and how feasible the variations are] is dependent on their physical features, and this dependency skews towards the woman, and in her case the features are relatively observable before any clothes are taken off
That last point really gets me. Having an interest in doing this sex act very slightly affects the amount of attraction that I have for individual women, depending on their capability of doing it.

"Are you really criticizing yourself for have body-type preferences? Holy shit dude, you're insufferable"

Not exactly. I acknowledge that having physical preferences for a partner is natural, but I want porn to have zero influence over mine (or anyone else's for that matter). I've been consuming various levels of sexually-pleasing content on and off [mostly on] for a decade; I'm still not entirely sure what my natural sexual interests are, physical or otherwise.
I've mentioned before that my "bigger is better" mentality applied to women in porn too. This focused on the curves of course, and I especially loved the ones located in the chest region. I would evaluate the sex appeal of the women with these factors heavily in mind, seemingly more so than a lot of other porn consumers do. Similar to the focus on penis size, it sometimes got to the point where I relied on far-out outliers in order to feel satisfied with the session. My focus on curvature mellowed out a bit during the awareness era of my porn consumption, but it had a habit of bouncing back.
Fortunately, the ways in which porn affected my body-type preferences didn't seem to have a major impact on which women I developed attraction towards. Looking back on all of my former crushes, there isn't a positive (or negative) correlation. My feelings for them were primarily based on who they were as people, and how cute I thought they were.
[This point is partially nullified by the fact that many of these women were in their teens, and were thus not yet fully developed. I was the same age as them, or at least close, don't worry]
I want my body-type preferences to be as weak as possible, but I'll try not to force them to be that way.

I want to acknowledge other ways in which the physical appearance of female porn performers gives men certain ideas about how women should look. I've mentioned before how pubic hair has been made out to be something weird, but it should also be noted that porn doesn't do a good job of representing the wide variety of what vaginas can look like. Fellas, don't be scared if it doesn't look "perfect", there's beauty to be appreciated there.
And if other forms of her body hair aren't completely clean-shaven at all times, don't worry about that either, they won't bite. Keep in mind that porn actresses prioritize upkeeping their appearance as part of their job; it would be unrealistic to expect all other women to meet that standard. And that kind of implies that beauty is objective, which isn't true.
Some of the porn actresses out there are in great shape. If you're going to encourage your partner to improve their physical fitness, do it primarily because you love them and want them to live a healthier life. And if you're not doing so already, start getting fit yourself.

Aurora has a curvy body, so I tried to show appreciation for it without objectifying her. I'm not sure how well I did with that, but I feel like I messed up by bringing up the sex act discussed earlier in this post. We were talking about the sexual things that we'd want to do with each other, and knowing that she'd be capable of doing the sex act, I brought it up. She wasn't familiar with it, and I had to explain to her that I learned about it from porn 🤦‍♂️. I was courteous about the whole thing, but in hindsight it still doesn't sit well with me.

I know for certain that there's beauty in all sorts of body types, spread out into the various body parts, and flourishing in the soul. I've been learning to appreciate the formerly unappreciated, but I still have room to grow. Shoutout to everyone whose body isn't "ideal" by society's standards; you are still worthy of love
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Day 3 No MO

I've had quite a few boners/semis again today, especially in the first half of the day. One of them in particular was very tempting, but like the others, it went unused.

My brain and cock and balls must be wondering where all of the women who I've supposedly been having sex with went. If there was a webcomic that treated me (or a different porn-addicted virgin) breaking the news to them like a father telling his kids that Santa isn't real, that would be hilarious. Too bad I don't have the talent to do the idea justice, not even close. Feel free to use it yourself 😁 And if you do, I'd suggest making the balls a male twin and a female twin.

I just talked about the nuances of beauty in regards to bodies, but I should mention that faces and their features are also nuanced. For example, larger-than-average noses and brown eyes seem to be conventionally considered suboptimal traits in terms of female beauty, but I'm sometimes fond of them.

I achieved the feeling of being "full" for the first time in a while earlier today. Weird thing to celebrate, and an extremely easy thing to accomplish, but I want to be able to look back on this paragraph and remember that feeling of satisfaction.

Two new people joined the Discord recovery group today, and the story of one of them was especially admirable. He's seemingly the youngest person of the entire group (17), and he's been working on weight loss as well as porn addiction recovery. He's already made some stellar progress on both goals 😄
He mentioned his past usage of materialism that was intended to distract from the imperfections of his life. I used to have a similar problem, especially shortly after I dropped out of community college and had money that I was technically able to spend. My main method of doing so was buying video games that I'd end up barely playing (if at all). I've gotten much better with spending my money wisely since then.
I have a deep sense of regret regarding all of that poorly spent money, knowing so many ways in which it could've been put to better use [stay away from r/boringdystopia, it's so fucking depressing]
I still hardly ever check in during those meetings, but I've gotten better at giving feedback and stuff. And to be fair, the average amount of people in a given meeting seems to be increasing, so I feel very justified in giving other people a better chance to check in by not doing so myself.
I like keeping up with the storylines, which makes the meetings kind of like cable TV for me in a way since I'm paying money for it [I didn't mean to imply that I like TV lol, fuck ads and fuck phonyness and fuck cable news and fuetck.]. It's difficult to remember everyone's story though, and that applies to the people here as well. Nothing personal y'all

Potentially triggering paragraph ahead

I remembered another perpetrator of my penis size fixation today that's previously been unmentioned.
I liked reading erotic literature, and there was one specific story that I "loved". I don't remember what is was named, and I remember failing to find it the last time that I looked for it, so that's convenient.
In the story, the narrator and protagonist (a woman of a motherly age) developed a sexual and eventually romantic relationship with a young man with the physique of a Greek sculpture and a footlong penis. He had the ability to have sex with her for over an hour, and she was somehow able to handle him and a massive dildo in different holes simultaneously. But to be fair, his cousin (who also double-penetrated her and her friend) was """only""" like 9". The author acknowledged that the story was farfetched, but that didn't stop me from interpreting it in an especially negative way.


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I had a dream that clearly related to Hearth 😄
In the dream, I viewed an autistic woman getting interviewed about the subject. Her appearance was based off of a woman from a random Fight The New Drug video thumbnail that's been recommended to me by the algorithm a bunch of times, but she also looked a tiny bit like Hearth, and I think that this dream woman had green eyes as well. I remember thinking in the dream, "Wow, she would probably understand me (and possibly romantically appreciate me) more than most other women do. And I definitely understand and romantically appreciate her more than most of my fellow men". I'm experiencing this with Hearth 🙂 It feels great to be on the positive side of this concept, even if things are going pretty slow. But that slowness, I understand it.
One of my more recent past crushes understood me very well. When I realized that we couldn't be together relationship-wise, the fear of not being able to find an available and interested woman with a solid amount of understanding of me resurfaced. But now I'm not that worried, and who knows, maybe Hearth's overall understanding of me is even greater than I'm currently assuming based on all of our communication so far. And of course, you can still appreciate someone even if you don't completely excel at understanding them.
Dreaming about Hearth could probably become more of a frequent thing if I spent a lot of time looking at pictures of her and rereading her texts, but that's weird and obsessive so I'm not going to, and it's fine if other women are featured in my dreams in some sort of romantic context. I rightfully decided from the start that dreaming about pornish things isn't wrong of me, and a similar conclusion can be applied here.
I am looking forward to hearing her voice though. As you'd expect, my phone-talking abilities are subpar compared to my texting ones, but I recognize the positive aspects of phone calls between a (pre(?)-)couple, so I'd be up for it if she was as well.

I had a dream in which I tried to stop a bombing that was a part of The Troubles, knowing that it was going to happen via time travel. Probably due to being easier for me to visualize, it took place at my local grocery store, and the bomb was in a backpack that looked identical to the one that I use for groceries.
I think that this dream was meant to represent my habit of putting an unhealthy amount of thought towards those "What if I went back in time as my younger self, bringing with me the knowledge that I have now?" thoughts [I'm referring to the "Living a better life" ones, not the "Saving the lives of others (as your younger self or your current self)" ones, although my dream obviously presented the latter fantasy on the surface]. This seems to be a common problem for people to have, especially porn addicts.
How about we just make the most of the present, eh? This dream occurred before the last day of my semi-spontaneous 4-day weekend began, and I don't believe that that's a coincidence. I've made decent use of this time despite feeling kind of sick, but I could've done better.
I spend too much time rereading my old entries, like I get it dude you take pride in your writing and you want to remind yourself of everything that you've learned and stuff, but go eat some food and take your eyes off of the screen for a while.
I still have trouble getting into things that are unfamiliar and/or uncomfortable to me. Journaling was a naturalish fit, but several months passed in between learning about this site via Gabe's first Consider Before Consuming appearance and beginning my first journal. Knowing what I know now, the influence of my addiction can take a lot of the blame for that.

I've also continued to read other people's journals. I consider this to be more productive than rereading my own, but I've picked up on how the journals of others can influence how I feel about my own journey, and how this can be consequential.
In the journal that I've been reading the entirety of lately, the protagonist is a young man who I can especially relate to in some regards, who's frequently expressed his feelings of sexual frustration. I believe that this has strengthened my own sexual frustration at times; but it's a captivating read, and I want to be able to contribute to his journal once I'm caught up with it, so I'll continue to read it.
I love how personal and genuine journals are, reminds me of outsider music. Woah, I just realized something: Could my journal be considered "Outsider Literature"? 🤩
No, because I just gained self-awareness about it 😞
Actually that doesn't matter, because it won't change how I write the journal. So yes, it can be 😊
[If only I could go back in time and avoid all of the schooling that I did, then my writing would be pure lol]
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No MO Day 4

Just another hour or so of being awake, and I'll have made it through this extended weekend without slipping up. I still had some chances to do so today in the form of erections, including an especially strong one that happened due to me not getting out of bed as soon as I should've, but it's getting a little bit easier to reject them. I still have room to improve though, considering how often I've placed my hands on or near it.
If I was more familiar with cats, then maybe I could make some sort of scratching post analogy, considering that Bless told me to do this day-counting thing.

I felt healthy enough to go to the grocery store yesterday, but I didn't go until today, just in case.
I had a period of caring even less for my appearance not too long ago. I excused it as a way of making myself less attractive and thus commiting further to Aurora (who, keep in mind, I wasn't able to meet in person), but that's silly. The actual reason was laziness. If you're convinced that it was something deeper than that; "I was reflecting my mental state with my physical appearance".
Different woman, same behavior.

Things basically ended with Aurora two months before they officially did. The official ending came about as a result of me "breaking the understanding" that I established, by being the one to message first.
"Who is this?", she asked.
"The biggest fool you'll ever meet", I think to myself in hindsight.

I want to derive more happiness from my association with Hearth, but it's easy for me to forget that it's even a thing, and I can't help but feel like I'm being foolish again. What else would I be doing right now if I had never messaged her though? I'd probably just feel worse.
She told me that she doesn't mind if I talk to other women, and I've established that that would still feel kind of wrong to me. She later mentioned that the fact that men are bothered by her pace of messaging has been an obstacle in her dating life, and that further awakened this characteristic of mine that I wrote about earlier
I deeply want people who are generally unfavored as potential partners to experience love. I know what that's like, to face rejection so consistently, and thus I tend to slightly gravitate towards women who I feel might have difficulty with finding someone. [Of course, I'm not always a very good choice for them, like in the case of the single mother that I mentioned recently]
If a guy is talking to her and a few other women at the same time, and things develop faster with those other women compared to with her, then wouldn't her chances of succeeding with the guy be low? Yeah she has plenty of admirable qualities, but so do other women. She has the ability to talk to multiple men at once, but if they're talking to multiple women, I'd assume that her chances could still be on the lower side.
Maybe we really are compatible then; I'm one of the few guys who can tolerate her slower pace.
I don't know how much longer I can do it for though. If we're still talking (but still at an early stage) by the time that I get my license, I'll tell her that I've changed my mind about exclusivity. And maybe, if something unpredictable happens, I'll do it sooner.
I created my intimacy isolation, and I created my honor approach to relationships. I feel like I'm mentally directing the frustration caused by these things at her, which obviously isn't fair.

I know that you shouldn't base your happiness so strongly on your level of intimacy success and that you shouldn't put women on a pedestal and all of that other good advice, but this shit is engraved into my head at this point.

I'm dreading the fact that I turn 23 years old soon. I know that I'm still young, but I feel like I need so much time to catch up. These frequent erections are taunting me, and the "Instant Gratification" mentality that porn and other escapist shit gave me makes it feel even worse.
I'm not suicidal, and I don't think that I'm very capable of reaching that point, but sometimes I artistically visualize shooting myself in the head. It feels like one of those suicide romanticization things, so I consider it to be a symptom of my Overgrown Teenageritis.
I have my fair share of cringe-inducing memories, and at some point I began to visualize feeling the cringe as a shadowy figure hitting me with a weapon. Maybe the gun thing has something to do with this.
If it makes you feel better, I don't have access to any firearms. I promise that I won't intentionally take my own life in any way. My word hasn't meant much in this journal so far, but in this instance, I really do mean it.

I need to end this post positively after writing all of that. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts
My family
This site
My friends
The recovery group
My coworkers
The movements
…Hearth :)
Maybe things with her will improve over time. And even if they don't, there are still so many women out there who I'd be into, and I'm sure that some of them would be into me as well.


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Day 5 No MO

No matter how tired and unenthusiastic I am, I need to refrain from retreating to my bed when I get home from work. I did so today, and my lovelornness and sexual frustration both took the chance to make themselves even more apparent to me. And the thing that got me energized and out of it? A stupid plan that involved getting on a hookup app (the fastest way to receive some sort of intimacy).
  1. Find the app that has the most downloads, and download it
  2. Remove the N, A, and Y from my white "OLD NAVY" shirt
  3. Take an artsy/shitposty/genuine selfie while wearing it along with other white clothing, maybe take some other new pics too
  4. Tell Hearth that I want to keep talking to her, but can't remain exclusive due to my own needs(?)
  5. Set up a profile, include the relevant info (whether it's beneficial or not)
  6. Hope that some lady out there wants to partake in intercourse with me, for whatever reason(s)
No, not happening. I only carried out Step 1, and uninstalled the app very shortly afterwards, without ever opening it.

I was able to chill out by getting some dinner and lurking in Jinx's stream, bless her soul.

As usual, work was frustrating today due to stupid circumstances, but something cool happened while I was staying late to help with an awkwardly-timed 3rd-party delivery.
The truck driver had a dog with him, who wandered around the truck as he positioned it on the edge of the road, and then later hung out in the trailer while me and the driver moved the cabinets to the end of it for my coworkers. It felt like something that would happen elsewhere in the world, and it was kind of scary. but it was also heartwarming :)

Later in the evening, I spent some time in an online community that revolves around sharing memes about schizophrenia and conspiracy theories and stuff like that.
Quite a few of these memes involve Christianity, and that intrigues me.
I want to find faith, and the self-destructive part of me wants to become (more?) mentally ill; how convenient.
One of the albums that I featured in my 3x3 (Troubled by The New Creation) is 1970 garagecore psychedelic Christian rock outsider music, and it has some similar vibes to those memes (mainly concentrated in the first song). I recently added the other album recorded by the group (34 years later) to the roster of albums that I commonly listen to, and its songs are typically more reminiscent of the memes than those of the first one. "The End Times" is a major theme, same with the memes.
I read some more about the group during my lunch break today. My assumption that they are/were respectable people was upheld, and it turns out that they are/were more chill and accepting than I had assumed.
I won't take all of their lyrics as gospel or anything, don't worry. Especially the ones that imply that premarital sex is bad 🤣

I've never done therapy or taken anti-depressants or done drugs and I rarely drink and I generally stay away from unhealthy food and drinks and I very rarely warm up leftovers, so yeah I feel pretty down sometimes but I'm building character right? [Not that those bad behaviors never lead to negative feelings]
Those first two things can be a net positive, and I've considered receiving therapy before and have had it suggested to me; maybe I'll go ahead with it if things get worse.

I've criticized myself for making a big deal out of my problems despite the fact that many other people have much worse and often more difficult (or even impossible) to solve issues of their own. However, for a long time now the existence of one of my online friends has had the potential to lessen my guilt of doing this.
He's a combat veteran who's been through some awful shit, but since he has a profound understanding of mental health and recognizes how important it is, he's adamantly supportive of his friends and their journeys, no matter how "minor" their problems are. He's been a great help to me in the last several months, I just need to be easier on myself.
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Day 6 No MO

I've criticized myself for making a big deal out of my problems despite the fact that many other people have much worse and often more difficult (or even impossible) to solve issues of their own. However, for a long time now the existence of one of my online friends has had the potential to lessen my guilt of doing this.
He's a combat veteran who's been through some awful shit, but since he has a profound understanding of mental health and recognizes how important it is, he's adamantly supportive of his friends and their journeys, no matter how "minor" their problems are. He's been a great help to me in the last several months, I just need to be easier on myself.
I'm giving this guy the codename "Nestor". My reasoning was initially based on something with multiple layers involving an interest of his, but once I looked up the name it began to fit even better in some regards 😎

Today wasn't as stressful, thanks in part to him and Jinx.
I got some drumming in right when I got home, and felt a stronger immersion in it than usual.

I haven't really given the P(MO) urges a chance to show themselves, occupying myself more effectively now. This feels nice, hey Hearth you wanna contribute to my positive distractions by getting back to me? Eh it's alright if you don't, I'll live.

I've already gone invisible on the not-as-niche dating site that I recently joined. It still doesn't feel right to me to not do so, even this early on. I wasn't having much luck there though anyways, was never feeling that compatible with the women who "Liked" me.
I reversed this decision today, and I refuse to let myself feel guilty about it.
I've already looked at all of the profiles in the small range that I've set for myself, so don't worry about me using the app as a porn substitute. I have no need to open it again until I get an important notification.
[I don't automatically reject women who Like/message me who aren't in the range, I assume that they've read about my driving situation in my profile. If they haven't, and it ends up being a deal-breaker, then oh well, but not my fault]

A few months ago, back when I rode my bike for the fun of it, I came across a bar in a neighboring town that has a weekly karaoke night. I asked my friends if they wanted to go check it out sometime, but they didn't seem interested. I guess that they'd rather stay home and subject themselves to the manipulative grind bullshit of those video games that they play together, and fulfill their going-places quota with fast-food or the mall for the millionth time 🙄
I've never checked it out, but I'd like to next week, hoping that it's still a thing. I need to find opportunities to meet women in-person, and this seems like it could be a good one.
I like singing, but my abilities are questionable. I received some good feedback when I unpreparedly and pseudo-ironically performed a song during one of Jinx's less conventional streams, and that was a bit reassuring. I'll be performing again in a soon(ish) stream; doing an imitation of an imitation, covering an old and semi-obscure song with a new verse written by me.

I had one of those "You're in high school again but everyone looks like they're about the same age as you" dreams last night.
I was sitting at a cafeteria table with some other guys, the stand-out one seeming in hindsight like a combination of two of the freshman that I befriended during my senior year. I had strong awareness that it was a dream, and I utilized this to stare at women who were sitting at other tables. When one of them looked back at me, I didn't look away, and it felt weird but also satisfying. As we were leaving the cafeteria, I expressed disappointment in myself to the stand-out guy that I didn't approach.
To be honest, when I approach a woman in an aware dream, it usually has fairly sexual intentions. This seems totally justified to me though; considering how limited in time dreams are, and how irreplaceable sexual acts are in my daily life (especially now that I can't jerk off). Oh, and also considering the fact that the women in my dreams aren't real.
I still try not to unnecessarily look at women in real life, but at this point this behavior is mainly fueled by the negative feelings that admiring them brings up.
Hey, would it kill you to make eye contact more than once in a blue moon? It's a vital step in fixing your detachment. You say that they're your best physical feature, right? Let other people enjoy them head-on.
[No, Schmuck's Brain, don't apply this advice to his penis; it's too wide to have as wide of an appeal to women 🤣 ]

Despite how the focus on penis size is heavily centralized on length, there are plenty of instances in which women care more about girth. Fellas, if we're gonna blow this topic out of proportion to an unhealthy degree, let's at least make it more balanced for the ladies. The subject of girth was further brought to my attention during the Condom Arc of my journal, which I may continue in the near future, erections and feelings pending. My girth percentile is higher than that of my length, so the self-objectifying part of me enjoys this revelation. I understand why length is considered to be the primary dimension though; It's more observable at a glance, and is easier to measure (not that doing so for girth is difficult).

Fuck man, why does my appetite keep disappearing so quickly? I know that I'm not actually full in these moments. Do I subconsciously want to avoid the gym this badly?
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Writing this entry to get things off of my chest before I go get a haircut.

Me and Hearth switched over to SnapChat yesterday, and that seems to have improved things. I downloaded the app recently after multiple women told me that they prefer it over texting. I think that the app is creepy on the personal info side of things, and disappearing messages is counterintuitive to trying to get to know someone, but whatever.

Unfortunately, I'm not as excited about this as I would've been under my mindsets of the recent past. My interest in having sex has become even more overwhelming, and Hearth can't fulfill that for me, due to the distance between us and the earliness of our connection. I basically decided, "This sex stuff needs to happen for the sake of it. Yeah losing my virginity in some sort of hookup wouldn't be 'ideal', but I've been sitting deeper in unideal territory for so long".

I left work and walked home an hour early. It's so easy for me to be set off while there these days, and difficult for me to give a fuck about anything.

It didn't help that I stayed up really late, mainly because I spent time setting up an account on two hookup apps. I didn't use the Old Navy idea, but I carried out everything else.

I can't 100% do the good guy shit anymore, my intimacy starvation has eaten away at that. But I can still carry over my values in these other environments
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For a while now, I've been concerned about the directions that this journal has taken. I'm adamant about not restarting for the third time, but even if I did begin a new one, it wouldn't change much. My concern is more about how I've been changing as a person. Or maybe these are just phases, I don't know, lots of confusion going on lately.

I feel like having some real sexual experience is practically necessary for the good of my mental health at this point, considering how much I've built it up in my head. I feel like a stereotypically shallow guy; wanting to cut to the chase, not valuing the leadup as much as I should. But I also feel like I'd try to rush the sexual development of a romantic relationship, eager to release all of that sexual frustration [There was some evidence of this in my talks with Aurora]. So maybe if I get laid while I'm non-exclusive, I'll be able to chill out.

I can be so stubborn to my own detriment, I hate it.
  • Success with women = Everything. Why should you care about this other thing that you're doing? Focus on relationships and sex and how unsuccessful you've been and let it worsen your day again and again and again
  • Work=Bad, bring back the cynicism from your Squerple days, talk to yourself with your pessimistic thoughts and let yourself lose your mind, overreact to shit and sometimes be unfriendly for no good reason
Sometimes I feel like I'm not prepared/healthy enough to pursue women, but that creates an awful cycle due to my self-empowerment issues. Squerple probably fucked me up worse than porn; Due to its influences and the wiring of my mind, I sometimes feel like I'm incapable of succeeding in society. So many people believe in me, [fuck man I feel the cynicism creeping in as I try to finish the sentence. Self-sabotage is just soooooooooooooooo appealing. Well, now I'm thinking "I need to have sex" again. Please let this stuff go away if I actually get a healthy amount of sleep this time around]


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I probably sound like I'm assuming that my first sexual experience(s) will go perfectly. I know that there'll likely be plenty of imperfections, but what matters most is that this massive pressure will be lifted from me.
On the hookup apps, I mentioned that I'm big, and I truthfully framed it as a trait that some women are fond/curious of, rather than taking the douchebag route and implying that it's an objectively superior one.
When I have my first sexual experience, if she wishes that it was smaller, the irony just might kill me.
The lethality chance has increased.
I'm glad that I can more easily avoid this on the hookup apps, thanks to their more explicitly sexual nature. I understand why this shouldn't be done on dating apps though.
I could try to convince myself that putting myself out there so sexually is "noble", since I'm providing something rare that has some demand, but that sounds stupid even for me, and it undervalues all of the other factors of compatibility.


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That's another issue with this journal; I started to focus on penis size stuff like it was the central topic of the journal. Yeah it has some relevance to my specific journey, but it's still pretty weird


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I've felt urges to look at porn and/or MO that seemed overwhelming, but were persevered through. Could I do the same thing with these sexual feelings? Are my current actions in response to them "wrong"?
I'm paranoid that not having sex during my sexual prime will lead to consequences. It reminds me of the "If you didn't experience teenage love then you're fucked" rhetoric that I saw on Squerple. This is obviously based on an idealization of those relationships, so it's another example of cherrypicking for the sake of making ourselves feel bad
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Thinking with my dick
Thinking with my dick
When there's no one to do
And I can't MO too
I'm thinking with my dick

No post-nut clarity
Sex dreams are a rarity
Bad decisions plenty
'Cuz my balls ain't empty
When I'm thinking with my dick
So let's drink some digital ink
'Cause it'll give me time to think
If I had the chance, would I choose romance?
Thinking with my dick, at.the.moment


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Day 9 No MO

I actively tried to be positive while at work today. There were many situations in which I could've dipped into negativity like I usually do, but I made the better choice, and felt better for it.

I've been trying to think about other stressors more positively and rationally too, and have seen success there as well. Feeling more chill now.

I received a sense of satisfaction from cleaning myself up the other day, having actually done something to take care of myself. I took a new photo for my accounts, and it showcases my eyes slightly better than my older photos do. If I could add in smiling more often, and make it more natural, then that would be awesome too.
My ability to feel rewarded from self-improvement seems to be increasing, along with my interest in doing so.

My appreciation for Hearth has also increased :) And will continue to do so the less time that I spend focusing on hookup stuff.
I'm done trying out apps, and like the dating ones, I have no reason to open them unprompted. On one of them, I found a women who's kinda-nearby, and who my past self would've loved to seen porn of. I went back to look at her photos, but I'm adamant about not doing it again. At least I have a >0.01% chance of having sex with her, unlike other online women.

I listened to another Clone High -connected album while at work today, Humanistic by Abandon Pools. It was another instance of relating to the lyrics and atmospheres of the songs, and thus making me feel more comfortable.
4x4.jpgI made this as a way to include an album that I got into recently, Fresh Cuts with Eugene Viscione
Why wasn't Abe into Joan until the very end? He was seriously missing out, ruined the whole series for me in retrospect. I know that his obliviousness to her advancements was meant to be humorous, but it just made me angry with him
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One of my real-life friends was officially kicked out of the friend group today. Knowing that I wasn't involved with the scheming that was done against him, he asked me to hang out with him, which I happily agreed to. We had a helpful talk with his mom at her house, played some tennis in the great weather, and got some tasty dinner.
I use my hangouts with him as a chance to practice positivity, in order to counter his own negative nature, and today was no exception. I'm proud of what I accomplished with him today; I couldn't solve everything by any means, but I definitely made him feel less depressed.
I'm going to continue being his friend, and I'm in the process of trying to get my other friends to appreciate him more.
I'm sharing this due to its involvement with the recently-discussed concept of being positive.

Meta Journal Discussion Time
There are some instances in which I'm redundant, and there are other instances in which I forget to mention something important. It can be difficult to keep track of
  • what I've discussed in this journal
  • what I've discussed in previous journals, but not this one
  • what I think I've discussed in this journal, but haven't actually
  • what I've yet to put into my notes to discuss for later
, especially now that I've written so many entries.
I still haven't covered much of the historical context of my addiction, I got side sizetracked.
Would anyone who jumped in to my journal at a random point have much of an idea what I'm talking about? I don't think that there's a good way to fix this though. Oh well, guess that other people have to do what I do and read the entirety of the journal before contributing [But they probably don't have as much free time or patience for this stuff as I do, and my posts are typically on the longer side...]
You don't have to actually do all that reading 😅 Any feedback is welcome, regardless of one's comprehension of the journal as a whole. And you don't have to give any feedback at all anyways.
It's obvious that I take journaling more seriously than most other rebooters, but don't start thinking that I'm superior to them or anything. They're out there living life, and while I'm also doing that myself to an extent (like hanging out with my friend and playing pickleball), I'm still being introverted to an unideal degree.
My journaling could be seen as practice for some sort of writing career, which is one of those "My mom thinks that it's a great idea for my future and I like it too" things. And regardless, I enjoy writing these entries, even if it can be stressful sometimes.


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[Post-Midnight Post]
Multiple instances of potentially triggering material ahead

I had two dreams that are worth bringing up.

In the earlier one, I was outside of a store with an innocent-looking woman. She was saying something, but paused when she realized that I was going to make an advancement on her (and didn't seem very comfortable about it, to be honest). I began to make out with her, and her lips felt like plastic [My real-life history with kissing is old and not very substantial, believe it or not]. When I pulled away, she became really short, and my bulge was right in front of her chest.
Her lips feeling like plastic may have represented how my objectification of women has increased as of late. The dream women had a blank/glassy expression at one point, which reminded me of the protagonist from Sucker Punch, who was very much objectified. I've heard that there's a deleted scene in which a man who's about to have prostituted sex with her tells her that he wishes that she genuinely wanted to be with him sexually, that it wasn't simply a transaction. I've established that I know that buying sex is wrong, but my selfishly sexual brain tries to justify it by coming up with relatively ideal scenarios and highlighting my sexual frustration. I remember that the dream woman wore a pink hoodie during the blank/glassy part, which reminds me of that famous sex robot that was modeled with a hoodie. Sex robots; something else that I refuse to take part in, and obviously another form of objectification.
The height thing relates to observations that I've been making. I'm open to being with women of a variety of heights, but I imagine that it would be a little awkward at times if there was a major difference in my height and her own. Kissing comes to mind, and this was represented in the dream by being easily able to kiss her while she was at her original height [obviously her shorter height was hyperbolic though]. I began talking to another woman yesterday, and I noticed that she's 5'9", which puts her at basically the same height percentile that I'm at. My "Being more interested in women who aren't seen as ideal in some regards" habit applies here.
So, why did I have a clothed boner when she was shorter? I believe that it involves my self-objectification; combining my height with my dick size, towering over her like that. It's a powerful feeling, but I shouldn't tap into it, especially since doing so would fetishize shorter women. Again, if a woman likes my traits, then cool I'm lucky for it, but I shouldn't let this stuff get to my head or change my behaviors for the worse.

I went into the store, which I soon realized was a mistake, because it meant that my time with the dream woman was over. Most of the people were wearing masks, and I picked out a few food items. Eventually I started looking for a woman in the store, so I went through one of those "Employees Only" doorways, and I eventually found one. She was small, masked, innocent-looking, and wearing a cross. I approached her as if I was some kind of comically wicked cartoon villain, and she screamed. The dream ended right before I got to her.
I was the nightmarish monster of that dream, taking things to the next level.

In the later dream, I was taking part in some sort of competition against a boy, in which I had to arrange books on a large piece of cardboard. He began to sing Abner Jay's I'm so Depressed, which is one of my favorite songs. I eventually joined in with vigor, and was wearing a mask for some reason.
This is one of those songs that you aren't supposed to cover, due to how personal it was to the artist, but I enjoy singing it to myself, and can somewhat relate to the lyrics.
People also say that you should keep sexual things to yourself (that you should keep it personal), and here I am, pseudo-anonymously doing the opposite.
People also say that hooking up is wrong, but I want to do that as well.
The books-on-carboard thing might've been intended to represent the tile-UI used to catalog profiles on the third hookup app that I downloaded.
Finally, the themes of the song kind of relate to something that had happened earlier that day, involving that very app. It wasn't something that should invoke as much sadness as the song portrays, don't get me wrong.

This app is more of a dating thing than a hookup thing, but there are still some women who use it for the latter. I'm not entirely sure why, but I opened it again not long after my friend had called me, and I made a discovery that I considered to be very lucky. A woman within 90 minutes of me had just joined the site, and she had some other characteristics that I was fond of as well
  • Wanting to explore her sexuality for the first time in her life
  • Preferring young men
  • Having a No Strings Attached policy
  • Being attractive enough to me for me to want to hook up with her, but not to the point where it seemed fishy
We ended up having an awesome conversation, but I paused it without warning when my friend showed up. Once that happened, my focus shifted to him, as it should've. I got back to her about 3.5 hours later once I was home, but didn't receive a response. I messaged her quite a few times after that, but still haven't heard back from her. Sounds pathetic, I know, but man I got super invested into her.
The concept of a woman being into me has a habit of making me very sexually excited, even when things between us aren't 100% sexual. One day during my catfish phase, I had to ride my bike to work while having a boner the majority of the time. Do you know how frustrating that is?
This woman got me so worked up, my dick had an average hardness of like 243% for the few hours in between getting home and falling asleep. I jerked off 3 times, and did another round today before I wrote down those bulletin points in this very post!
Maybe this was orchestrated by my other friends as a way to get me to dislike the exiled friend. Maybe if yesterday had been a normal Saturday, in which I would've been able to talk to that woman for hours on end, things would've gone better with her. Maybe she'll get back to me eventually, maybe we'll end up getting together and helping each other out, maybe I shouldn't be doing this, maybe she's some sort of catfish, maybe...
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I've gone further down the path, and for me to continue writing in this journal while I'm on it, that wouldn't make much sense. I'll try to figure things out while I'm gone.

I feel like I might be betraying everyone who cares about my journey, and that I might be betraying myself.

I don't plan on traveling this path forever, and there are some circumstances in which I'd swiftly leave it. Part of me is hoping that I encounter one of those circumstances, and soon.

I'm nearly 23 years old, and I'm still acting like an impulsive and rebellious teen.

Maybe once I get this out of my system, I'll have the strongest post-nut clarity that I've ever experienced. Here's hoping