Journal #3

D

Deleted member 29199

Guest
I recognize the importance of creating and pursuing secondary goals for this rebooting process, in order to achieve well-rounded self-improvement. I'll start with the easiest ones to explain: the abstinence goals.

As to be expected, I want to completely avoid pornography and its substitutes, as well as keep my masturbation to a minimum, but I have a few other bad habits that I'd like to can as well. The oldest of them is my tendency to use my fingernails to pick at each other. I developed the habit at a young age as a way to avoid needing to have my fingernails shortened by an actual clipper. Eventually I started doing it out of boredom and procrastination and nervousness, to the point where they became unsightly and I was causing myself minor pain. It took me several months until I was able to maintain a lengthy period of abstinence from doing this, but once that period began it felt like relatively smooth sailing. I've gone back on the behavior lately in this personal time of foolishness, but I'm confident in my ongoing effort to stop.

A similar but more consequential bad habit of mine is skin-picking. I do it for basically the same reasons as the fingernails, but the high is definitely stronger. I've messed up my skin due to several years of this reckless behavior.

Like many other young men, I use the Internet and video games more than I should. I don't really play full-fledged games anymore, and my Internet activity has lessened as my choices of websites and content has shifted, but there's a certain web browser game that I've had an on-and-off hyperfixation for during the last 5 years: Pokémon Showdown. It's more comprehensible to me than many real-world things, and I can "succeed" in it more easily than endeavors of actual value, so naturally the weak part of me is drawn to it. I'm abstaining from that site like I am with the skin/fingernail picking: All 3 things make me feel like a loser. Showdown isn't as bad since it's a legitimate method of having fun, but there are more productive ways of doing so that I have access to.

For the most part, I've also been abstaining from the gym lately. I'm paying for my membership, it's a<10 minute bike ride away, I have the necessary amount of free time almost every day, and my physique is shitty, so obviously I have more than enough reasons to go. My inner weakness is awfully influential, isn't it? It took me awhile to weaken my weakness enough to get the membership in the first place, about 2 months after beginning my first journal. My current lack of commitment to this form of self-improvement is thus making me feel like I'm regressing.

Like I said before, overall I want stop being such a loser. There are many more ways that I can do so, and I'll get to those later, but these are the most quantifiable ones. Some people would keep a day counter sort of thing for them, and I've done that before myself for some things, but I'd rather not this time around. In the case of the first three secondary goals, I view them as an embarrassment to have to bring up in the first place. Therefore, as long as I never go back to them, I never have to mention them again. As for my gym attendance, I can mention it during my "standard" journal entries, which I will begin tomorrow. Those entries will be more of a typical journaling experience, but I'll continue to post entries that aren't about how my day went.
Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have some habits like that. Take it easy and do one thing at a time so you're not at risk of getting overwhelmed. Good luck in being a better person because I take it from reading this journal that's what your primary goal is. And it makes sense. We're all trying to get a little better here aren't we.
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
You've inspired me to start sharing my personal journals on this similar journey for me. I'll need to earmark them then I'll start typing them up!
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
This wasn't a challenge Brain, fuck you.

My negativity is at a scary point now, as the consequences of my various regrettable actions have once again taken high priority in my mind.

I'll start using an alarm clock instead of my phone, allowing me to leave it out of my room at night and thus make relapses less likely
Very good idea! Keep up the tenacity, king
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
Great job! Youve got this. I agree with the last part too, i think its important to decompress and have fun, so youre in a better place mentally to deal with triggers.
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
Uh, anyways

Schmuck's Addict Brain's Pro-Tip #53: If there's a small window of time in between posting a journal entry and falling asleep, make sure to MO during it, and use a few substitute pics to finish. There won't be any need to self-report it the following day.

Wrong Brain, reporting it is entirely necessary! I don't care how much of a failure it makes me look like, I won't let you persuade me into deceiving by omission again.

The MO was sparked by me looking up a sexual term that I had thought about earlier in the day. Of course my addict brain just absolutely needed to read about it.

If I adopted a cat named Streak upon the creation of my first journal, and Streak had 81 lives, and each time I looked at porn or substitutes or had a masturbation session fueled by pornographic thoughts one of those lives was taken, would Streak be dead or alive right now? I'm not entirely sure, but my gut is telling me "No".

View attachment 754

Meet Bless, freshly adopted from the gettyimages shelter. Bless is a fairly normal cat, nine lives. Each time I slip up, Bless loses one.

I respect cats, but I've never owned any. Jinx, however, loves them.
I really, really don't want to harm Bless.
Dont you harm that cat, my friend! 😅
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
[Post-Midnight Post]

I nearly caved in to the urge to submerge myself in substitutes today. I feel guilty for getting that close to taking one of Bless's lives. I'm sorry Bless, my selfishness is putting you in danger. I'll become the friend that you deserve, getting there day by day.


Penis Talk, Part Three

I don't remember when, but at some point my personal evaluation of my penis size shifted from "average" to "above average". Of course, there's quite a lot of variance in the scope of the latter term. I considered myself to be on the low end of this spectrum.

A few days ago I read about penis size some more, and finally got a good erect girth measurement. Here's my new verdict, taking into account my measurements and everything that I've read/heard about this topic: I'm definitely somewhere in the top 10% for both erect length and erect girth (probably for the flaccid measurements too but those are difficult to figure out because I get hard when I try to take them lol).

I had underestimated how much of a statistical outlier the men in porn really are. The vast majority of the male population has a penis size that's considered "average", and these penises are capable of satisfying the vast majority of women. Porn is a spectacle, not at all a representation of real sex. It makes sense that it would frequently feature such anomalous men. But even if you the viewer catches on to that, it won't necessarily prevent you from developing insecurity. This is due to the "Bigger is Better" mentality that porn actively perpetuates, in ways such as:
  • The woman making remarks about the size of the penis
  • The over-the-top reactions that the woman expresses while intercoursing with the penis
  • The woman being physically capable of handling a penis of that size
  • Within the narrative of the porn; the sexual encounter happening because of the woman's interest in the penis, because of its size
  • Techniques that the industry uses to make the penis look bigger (EX: The average female porn actress's hand is probably quite a bit smaller than your own hand if you're a dude, so if you're jerking off and you're comparing your size with his you're being biased by the hands)
I want to elaborate on the 3rd point some more. There's such a thing as too big, and you don't have to be absurdly large to be in that circumstance. There's variance with this as well: Where does it land in the range of "slightly uncomfortable" to "practically impossible", and for which sexual acts/positions? Here are some of the factors that affect this:
  • The woman's personal anatomy
  • The woman's personal state of correlation between pain and sexual pleasure
  • The woman's level of arousal at the time (this is positively correlated with the amount of space that she can make for your member, at least vaginally)
I spent so much time and energy worrying that I could be too small, but all that time the opposite problem was more likely to occur. When I have my first sexual experience, if she wishes that it was smaller, the irony just might kill me.



I'll continue to write about this penis size stuff, I love doing so (no homo)
Great job saving Bless's life!!! I just want to applaud you on that since denying a temptation can be one of the most difficult things to get used to, but you did great!

Side note: a healthy woman's vagina can birth a baby, so safe to say that being "too big" probably isn't as much of a logistical issue. However it's more likely, speaking as someone who had this problem myself, that having hypertension in the pelvic floor muscles is the biggest issue for most women when it comes to painful sex outside of the arousal level you already mentioned. This pelvic floor issue is treatable thankfully. The only other issue may be that with length of the man he may hit the cervix which can be painful but that can be controlled by the couples level of control with intercourse. The cervix can be higher or lower in the vaginal canal depending on the woman but also depending on the time of month. Just thought youd appreciate the info from a womans medical perspective.
 

Spadeship

Member
Uh, anyways

Schmuck's Addict Brain's Pro-Tip #53: If there's a small window of time in between posting a journal entry and falling asleep, make sure to MO during it, and use a few substitute pics to finish. There won't be any need to self-report it the following day.

Wrong Brain, reporting it is entirely necessary! I don't care how much of a failure it makes me look like, I won't let you persuade me into deceiving by omission again.

The MO was sparked by me looking up a sexual term that I had thought about earlier in the day. Of course my addict brain just absolutely needed to read about it.

If I adopted a cat named Streak upon the creation of my first journal, and Streak had 81 lives, and each time I looked at porn or substitutes or had a masturbation session fueled by pornographic thoughts one of those lives was taken, would Streak be dead or alive right now? I'm not entirely sure, but my gut is telling me "No".

View attachment 754

Meet Bless, freshly adopted from the gettyimages shelter. Bless is a fairly normal cat, nine lives. Each time I slip up, Bless loses one.

I respect cats, but I've never owned any. Jinx, however, loves them.
I really, really don't want to harm Bless.
I want to con adopt him with you. Don’t kill the cat bro and I promise to do the same!
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
Earlier in this reboot I figured out why my lustful desires sometimes overtake my lovelorn ones. The lustful ones have a lower pain ceiling, and can be temporarily fooled by (P)MO. My lovelornness has the potential to be more potent, and thus I must've subconsciously done something in order to restrain it, in order for me to keep going. It's terrifying how easy it is for us to torture ourselves through the consequences of our inactions. I don't fully understand how some of the older rebooters manage to not completely lose it, considering how intensely I believe that I've misused so many years of my own. Maybe I'm just a negative person. Anyways, bless them, and bless the younger folks too, especially you Jinx 🫂
Bless you too! Your posts are relateable because I think for many people who attempt these reboots and recoveries in such a thoughtful way also thave to think through and process all of these strange thoughts and perspectives. Which makes the strange normal and not strange at all. You're doing a great job processing your own thoughts and struggles. I believe in you!! 🫂
 

Jinx2109

Active Member
[Post-Midnight Post]

I have a new strategy for self-motivation

"Make suicidal thoughts as scarce as you can"

Morbid, I know, but the strength of my commitment to not attempting suicide makes this effective. It got me out of bed yesterday morning

My last relapse was really unsatisfying, but how many times does that need to happen for me to get the message?

The romantic part of me has been re-emerging for a while now, and I appealed to it yesterday by messaging someone on that fairly inactive dating site that I joined two months ago. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but damn this woman seems more compatible with me than most.
I'm really glad you're still around, keep moving. ❤
 
Trying to live in a healthy and somewhat "normal" way hasn't been rewarding or interesting enough to the irrationality of my brain. To compromise, I ought to focus my sickly eccentricities on creative endeavors.

I am also on the autism spectrum. I am much happier now that I have given up on "normal".
 
I understand what you mean, @creativenothing, and I accept that my hypothetical happiest self is one that's true to myself and therefore not very normal. I'm trying to lessen my instances of being strange to the detriment of those around me, out of a foolish subconscious desire to alienate myself further. I've been doing better with combating this today so far compared to yesterday.

I see what you mean. Make sure your "strangeness" is not on purpose. That's what I try to do. When "strangeness" is not intentional, but just happens, it's just being unique.
 
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