Taking back the life I squandered.

[Ren]

Hello Everyone. Nice to meet anyone reading this.
Call me by the nickname Ren (previously Peter). It's a good day today...
I've joined this Forum and started this journal because I thought that maybe here was a place I could find some help.

• Background: I think I've been using PMO for almost 10 years or so. It all started only with fapping but it didn't take too much for porn to join. Very young (my 10s). Some family problems and another reasons I'm not that sure were the main factor. Used it for 3 or 4 years non-stop almost everyday without caring about anything. But it only took some months to make me severely addicted. At the 4th year or so it became a problem when I wanted to quit and noticed I couldn't. Since then I've been struggling with it until now and was able to be clean from porn for 2 years, even if I wasn't able to stop fapping. Pandemic hit and it didn't take long for me to return to this addiction (due to many reasons but the main was isolation). It returned let's say "okay" but after 1 year back or so it became worse and the consequences aren't worth to pay at all. So 3 to 4 months ago I decided to change my strategy and I'm taking any necessary means to make this go away for good. So this journal is one of many of these new plots. My Goal is only one: Make this stop and never come back. Not only porn, also fapping. I just want it to stop, that's all. The rest will be a consequence.
• Even if I did it so many times since I've started until today, I learned with my relapses. But it's recently (beginning of this year) that the major reasons came to light. If the physical aspect (brain change and bad habits) were the only problem that would be actually "easy to solve", so to speak, but the reasons are two: I have a intimacy disorder (not sure if it's called like that anyone is free to correct if they know a better name for this) and there's a sense of hopelessness towards life due to wrong belief. One thing it's worth mentioning: The worst time I had regarding this addiction was when I attached to someone and needed to cut this person out. Those were the most frequent and intense relapses I ever had. To summarize: PMO for me is a way of coping with emotional disorder and a way of medicating real life problems stress/anxiety. So the only way for me to stop this is if I take care of these problems along with the brain rewiring. I think I already said enough.
• I strongly believe everything of this will be past after some years and I have big goals for life, but as long as this is around: I don't think they can be properly achieved. So I'm counting on everyone that is willing to help, thank you.

Day 0

• Did I use porn today? Yes. Reset my counter at 3:00 AM approx.
• What were my triggers? Mostly being alone but anxiety could be one.
• How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I tried talking to some people but after the scenario is set for acting out you already know the outcome.
• What am I grateful for today? For starting this. I think this was a new step on this journey. Maybe if I keep up with this it will be something to make me keep my streak. I'm tiring of battling this "alone", I think I need someone to keep me on the road and make me come back to myself when needed...
• 10h 44m done.

 

[Ren]

Relapse

• When: Day 3. Thrice, but not on the same day.
• Triggers: My mental state got out of control.
• Countermeasures: I think I did what I could. But it wasn't enough to hit it on the root.
• What's next: I need to calm myself and get some grip first. Then Imma take a look in what's on my mind.

That was intense, cool reminder that ain't worth it. I think I'll build something to make me remind of this sensation 'cause it's really easy to forget.
I feel out of myself. It's relieving, but it doesn't last for more than two days I think. I need to review stuff I already forgot.
Without further ado, let's reset the counter and here we go again on Day 0.

 

[podvig]

Hello Everyone. Nice to meet anyone reading this.
Call me by the nickname Peter. It's a good day today...
I've joined this Forum and started this journal because I thought that maybe here was a place I could find some help.

• Background: I think I've been using PMO for almost 10 years or so. It all started only with fapping but it didn't take too much for porn to join. Very young (my 10s). Some family problems and another reasons I'm not that sure were the main factor. Used it for 3 or 4 years non-stop almost everyday without caring about anything. But it only took some months to make me severely addicted. At the 4th year or so it became a problem when I wanted to quit and noticed I couldn't. Since then I've been struggling with it until now and was able to be clean from porn for 2 years, even if I wasn't able to stop fapping. Pandemic hit and it didn't take long for me to return to this addiction (due to many reasons but the main was isolation). It returned let's say "okay" but after 1 year back or so it became worse and the consequences aren't worth to pay at all. So 3 to 4 months ago I decided to change my strategy and I'm taking any necessary means to make this go away for good. So this journal is one of many of these new plots. My Goal is only one: Make this stop and never come back. Not only porn, also fapping. I just want it to stop, that's all. The rest will be a consequence.
• Even if I did it so many times since I've started until today, I learned with my relapses. But it's recently (beginning of this year) that the major reasons came to light. If the physical aspect (brain change and bad habits) were the only problem that would be actually "easy to solve", so to speak, but the reasons are two: I have a intimacy disorder (not sure if it's called like that anyone is free to correct if they know a better name for this) and there's a sense of hopelessness towards life due to wrong belief. One thing it's worth mentioning: The worst time I had regarding this addiction was when I attached to someone and needed to cut this person out. Those were the most frequent and intense relapses I ever had. To summarize: PMO for me is a way of coping with emotional disorder and a way of medicating real life problems stress/anxiety. So the only way for me to stop this is if I take care of these problems along with the brain rewiring. I think I already said enough.
• I strongly believe everything of this will be past after some years and I have big goals for life, but as long as this is around: I don't think they can be properly achieved. So I'm counting on everyone that is willing to help, thank you.

Day 0

• Did I use porn today? Yes. Reset my counter at 3:00 AM approx.
• What were my triggers? Mostly being alone but anxiety could be one.
• How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I tried talking to some people but after the scenario is set for acting out you already know the outcome.
• What am I grateful for today? For starting this. I think this was a new step on this journey. Maybe if I keep up with this it will be something to make me keep my streak. I'm tiring of battling this "alone", I think I need someone to keep me on the road and make me come back to myself when needed...
• 10h 44m done.

Welcome. I'm new here too Peter, glad you are trying to defeat this pernicious habit once and for all. I'll follow and support you when I can.

Relapse

• When: Day 3. Thrice, but not on the same day.
• Triggers: My mental state got out of control.
• Countermeasures: I think I did what I could. But it wasn't enough to hit it on the root.
• What's next: I need to calm myself and get some grip first. Then Imma take a look in what's on my mind.

That was intense, cool reminder that ain't worth it. I think I'll build something to make me remind of this sensation 'cause it's really easy to forget.
I feel out of myself. It's relieving, but it doesn't last for more than two days I think. I need to review stuff I already forgot.
Without further ado, let's reset the counter and here we go again on Day 0.

A few things to share below that may help you on your journey into a PMO-free life, things I have discovered in the past couple weeks:

Instead of having a counter, it is far more effective to maintain a spreadsheet, IMO.

Counters will always have you going back to Day zero after each failure. This is really poor for motivation. Going from Day 1 > Day 30 > Day 1 > Day 50 > Day 1 > Day 10 > Day 1 etc. etc. it will feel like you are making no progress at all. If you tracked those same failures on a spreadsheet, you would see a 95%+ success rate in abstaining from PMO - this is a much better frame for the struggle.

Here is a link to a PMO spreadsheet, which I have used in my own signature below this post:

ONLYOFFICE

personal.onlyoffice.com

^^^
You can download this onto your computer, set up your own OnlyOffice account, and share it like I did in my signature. Just my suggestion, it's up to you. I think it acts as an extra layer of accountability, advertising in an explicit documented fashion how well our reboot is proceeding.

Also, i came across this excellent resource in the past couple days, which you may find useful on your journey:

Coming Soon - Recovery Nation

God bless, and stay strong. You can do this.

 

[JSP]

Hello Everyone. Nice to meet anyone reading this.
Call me by the nickname Peter. It's a good day today...
I've joined this Forum and started this journal because I thought that maybe here was a place I could find some help.

• Background: I think I've been using PMO for almost 10 years or so. It all started only with fapping but it didn't take too much for porn to join. Very young (my 10s). Some family problems and another reasons I'm not that sure were the main factor. Used it for 3 or 4 years non-stop almost everyday without caring about anything. But it only took some months to make me severely addicted. At the 4th year or so it became a problem when I wanted to quit and noticed I couldn't. Since then I've been struggling with it until now and was able to be clean from porn for 2 years, even if I wasn't able to stop fapping. Pandemic hit and it didn't take long for me to return to this addiction (due to many reasons but the main was isolation). It returned let's say "okay" but after 1 year back or so it became worse and the consequences aren't worth to pay at all. So 3 to 4 months ago I decided to change my strategy and I'm taking any necessary means to make this go away for good. So this journal is one of many of these new plots. My Goal is only one: Make this stop and never come back. Not only porn, also fapping. I just want it to stop, that's all. The rest will be a consequence.
• Even if I did it so many times since I've started until today, I learned with my relapses. But it's recently (beginning of this year) that the major reasons came to light. If the physical aspect (brain change and bad habits) were the only problem that would be actually "easy to solve", so to speak, but the reasons are two: I have a intimacy disorder (not sure if it's called like that anyone is free to correct if they know a better name for this) and there's a sense of hopelessness towards life due to wrong belief. One thing it's worth mentioning: The worst time I had regarding this addiction was when I attached to someone and needed to cut this person out. Those were the most frequent and intense relapses I ever had. To summarize: PMO for me is a way of coping with emotional disorder and a way of medicating real life problems stress/anxiety. So the only way for me to stop this is if I take care of these problems along with the brain rewiring. I think I already said enough.
• I strongly believe everything of this will be past after some years and I have big goals for life, but as long as this is around: I don't think they can be properly achieved. So I'm counting on everyone that is willing to help, thank you.

Day 0

• Did I use porn today? Yes. Reset my counter at 3:00 AM approx.
• What were my triggers? Mostly being alone but anxiety could be one.
• How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I tried talking to some people but after the scenario is set for acting out you already know the outcome.
• What am I grateful for today? For starting this. I think this was a new step on this journey. Maybe if I keep up with this it will be something to make me keep my streak. I'm tiring of battling this "alone", I think I need someone to keep me on the road and make me come back to myself when needed...
• 10h 44m done.

When you find yourself in a setting that can trigger being alone with porn, get out. Immediately change the setting. Even if it’s just going out for a walk or getting into a public place. Do it immediately and thank yourself for it later. Hang in there buddy!!!

 

[Ren]

Welcome. I'm new here too Peter, glad you are trying to defeat this pernicious habit once and for all. I'll follow and support you when I can.


A few things to share below that may help you on your journey into a PMO-free life, things I have discovered in the past couple weeks:

Instead of having a counter, it is far more effective to maintain a spreadsheet, IMO.

Counters will always have you going back to Day zero after each failure. This is really poor for motivation. Going from Day 1 > Day 30 > Day 1 > Day 50 > Day 1 > Day 10 > Day 1 etc. etc. it will feel like you are making no progress at all. If you tracked those same failures on a spreadsheet, you would see a 95%+ success rate in abstaining from PMO - this is a much better frame for the struggle.

Here is a link to a PMO spreadsheet, which I have used in my own signature below this post:

ONLYOFFICE

personal.onlyoffice.com

^^^
You can download this onto your computer, set up your own OnlyOffice account, and share it like I did in my signature. Just my suggestion, it's up to you. I think it acts as an extra layer of accountability, advertising in an explicit documented fashion how well our reboot is proceeding.

Also, i came across this excellent resource in the past couple days, which you may find useful on your journey:

Coming Soon - Recovery Nation

God bless, and stay strong. You can do this.

Thank you for sharing this resource, I'll take your suggestion into consideration. But I won't lie that I want this pride of having a counter with how many days I didn't relapse.

When I first got clean I've been clean for quite a time, if I had that number that would actually give me some hope/motivation to keep going. The counter will help me developing the belief that for each day I relapsed there's another one I didn't and that would make me feel better. I don't feel exactly like starting from scratch so that's not exactly a problem, but the spreadsheet might help me doing some interesting stuff with Python, so thank you, we've got this.

 

[Ren]

To remember: Everything starts with the mind and with beliefs

Had a interesting conversation with a guy from my workplace today, he doesn't know about the problem, but what he told me will actually help me on this.

We've talked about identity and about the pattern of man we should be, it helped me to identify one lie I believe.
I think this will help me with the emotional disorder and the lie I've been believing for some amount of time. Maybe not knowing who I am made me believe that relapsing was the way out. As always, I only come back to my senses at the end, but this problem could be avoided if I didn't believe wrong things...
Here's the truth I want my future self to remember:

- You're a man.

A real man does not need porn. Real men are not slaves from their desires. They know how to control themselves, both urges and emotions.
We live in a society that sex became a god and now what we have is a lot of men spending their energy on something that is not even real, slaves of their urges and what's worst is that a lot of them think that it's okay to be like that. C'mon, is that the life you want to live? If so you're free to decide but it's not your case right?

You're born to be a leader, a visionary, someone who works to achieve something bigger, not that kid that is controlled by any kind of urge and emotion. You're more than that! And the only person that needs to know that is yourself, but you don't, no wonder why you keep relapsing.

Get that thing done bro, do it.
Do you feel sad? Get something done, don't let this take hold of you, you're not your sadness.
Do you feel lonely? Plenty of people outside there, you already know where to find them, put that phone away and go talk to someone!
A sad memory came up? Just have to build new ones.
Urges are rampant? Coldshowers. Pushups. Now. No time to lose thinking bullshit.

After all the only problem is your own head. You're not dying for not having sex. You know that yourself.
Soon enough you'll be beautiful and won't notice it yourself huh.
Just remember where you came from when you talk 'k. Cheering up for ya.

 

[Blondie]

Hey Peter, I understand your need to want to count days and the motivation that brings. I count days here at RN and it really motivates me, but I also use Fortify, which is an app that you can use for free that will give you the best of both worlds; where you have your days counted, and your total days shown altogether. So for me it shows my current 297 days streak, my four days setbacks over the last fourteen months, and my total 439 days of being clean. Seeing both of these numbers together is very motivating.

Here's a screenshot of what it looks like...


Either way, do what works for you, because that's all that really matters in the end.

You're doing the right thing by being here, keep it up.

 

[Ren]

I'm still here

Hey there.
It has been some months, and we're almost at the end of the year.
Things got a lot better since the last time.
No, I still didn't manage to purge the addiction completely, but this will be just a consequence because some huge stuff is already gone.
Well, what to say? In my opinion things are better than ever to be honest.

I engaged in some activities, built some relationships and kept searching for a way of fulfilling my need of a meaning and purpose. Dedicating time to Spirituality and renewing my mind made wonders for my overall health but there's still just a little thing that needs to be gone for me to stop relapsing once for all.

I also have noticed that all of that "heavy charge" this addiction had over me is gone because of those things. Now the only thing that I need to do is to learn how to process and manage my own emotions. If something that goes straight to the heart happens and I don't know how to manage, it's very very hard not to relapse. I'm learning how to cope with that without having to use destructive behaviors as a way of medicating this.

But let's focus on the good news:
- Stress is not a crucial trigger anymore;
- Life is more fulfilling;
- Things are easier to manage.

After all this just proves the initial guess since I got serious about recovering from this: PMO was never the root, it was always the symptom.

And still is.
That's the reason I'm taking care of the root.
Good day for everybody.

 

[Ren]

A good son always come back.

Hey everyone! How is everyone doing? I just wanted to write a message after being away for so long. Man, I haven't been here for almost 2 years. Are you guys doing okay with the reboot?

I will update here again in some time, but first, I just wanted to leave a message here. Hope everything is okay on your side, buddies!

 

[Ren]

What about a fresh start?

Since I've been away, many things happened.
I don't remember exactly how did I stop writing on this forum, but I am really glad to be back. And I am someone else right now.
I will not spend too much time talkin' about what happened, but I want to put some background here.

I literally have no idea about what happened at November 2022, but I had a very tough split with a friend I was interested at in 2023. Many things changed since then. I've cut some people out, met some new people, and made a lot of progress on my course. Nowadays, I'm at my last semester at Uni, very close of getting my degree. The split had permanent consequences on my being as a whole, but regarding what did this have to do with PMO, I believe I just forgot about the project whatsoever, maybe due to the emotional impact.

But regardless of what happened in the past, I have some good news. I believe things are better than ever, and I am ready to restart this project, but the motivations are different now. I have a happy relationship with my girlfriend (which I met at last year, after splitting with that "friend"), and now the reason I wanna quit PMO is just because I don't think I have any use for this now.

I mean, like I said at the very first message of this diary, PMO was always a coping mechanism. But now, I don't actually need to "cope" with anything, at least not in the same way I've been doing all those years. I also don't feel THAT horny like I used to in those 12 years. But PMO is a problem. It's a habit I am willing to stop.

Again, why stop? Simple, it's a waste of time. Seeing all of those naked women and nutting... Does that even make sense? I think whatever meaning this seemed to have to me, it seems so stupid right now. There are soooo many better things to do in life, so why do I need to waste any more time on this? I think masturbation is alright if I'm with my gf and we're playing with each other, but alone... it's so... boring.

But it's easier said than done, right? That's the reason I'd rather start all over. I'm okay with masturbating to the person I love, but at least porn and "meaningless masturbation" (as weird this may sound), I want gone. So yeah, the motivation changed.

Let me start over, then. It might take some time, but it seems way easier to quit right now.

 

[Ren]

How to recover a brain riddled with porn for more than 10 years.

A daunting task in fact. Just imagine, you start watching to naked women since you're 12. You grow up and realize you're done with it. So you just stop? That's a big deal.

The thing is that quitting doesn't mean only stop watching to NSFW material. It means a change of mentality and a lifestyle. You can't just reprogram a whole life of PMO that simple. So what's the plan? The plan is simple, but it'll require some patience. Apart from the basics, which I already did, I think the most important part will be finding new habits and new ways of thinking, better and more interesting things to do. They're outside there, we just need to find them and make them a habit.

The true is that quitting a bad habit is impossible without a good habit to substitute it. But forming new habits is already difficult by itself. It's not pessimism, it's how things work. I guess the biggest mistake is "trying to stop". We should "try to replace" instead. How can you teach a brain that is already so used to seeing naked bodies that there are better things to do? You need to have a good strategy.

So we'll start from there.
So far, so good.

 

[Ren]

Conquered myself easily today

The answer is simpler that it looked like. I mean, it's not I didn't know, maybe I just didn't know exactly how to do it.
What I mean? Hard work, bro. Hard work is the answer.
Being busy and not thinking BS does wonders for someone.

Like I said, "replace".
I won't keep updating streaks everyday here, I prefer this journal composed mostly by reflections and things that came to my mind and I decided to write here. I might put stuff life "One week, one month, three months, one year..." and so on, but not everyday. The number is not important by itself, I want the results, fuck the numbers. A huge streak would give me a reason to boast, tho.

Man, I love my job. That's it.

 

[Ren]

Short-term effects (3 days)

Those are personal experiences and effect on other people can be slightly different or not noticeable.

- Can feel brain less "pressured" (some kind of relief on dopamine receptors, maybe)
- More energy to do things (not exactly a lot more, but there is improvement)
- Improved focus

Meditation and planning are essential parts. Lack of planning may trigger relapses.

 

[Ren]

Crossroads

Hey, nice to write here again.
Well, something very good and very bad at the same time happened to me.
Life is charging me the result of my choices. Don't worry, I didn't do anything messed up or stupid.

But I came to a point that either I quit or suffer the consequences. The point that you have no choice but to actually quit the fuck out.
I know. I should be happy with that. And I am, but this will hurt so fucking much now.

Guys, I'll teach this to my future kid if I have one. KEEP THE FUCK AWAY FROM PORN.
I know what I'm talking. I used this shit for 12 years, maybe 15 years (I don't know exactly but it's definitely not less than 10 years).
And to make it worse: I started watching to this really young.

So now I am facing the consequences of my choices.
What consequences? Simple. I look back at my life and I see how much time I've wasted on this. How much porn have stolen me, how much PMO made my brain addicted, my habits crappy, and robbed me of good things in life.

I'm young, I still have time. But this I know that if I don't quit that shit now, I will never do.
Do you know what's worse? Our society thinks this is okay. That "men are programmed like that". Bullshit. We're losing an entire generation of good, capable men because they can't stop watching to pixels on a screen and cumming to that. Where the fuck will our society stop?

But now it's not a matter of wanting anymore. It's survival. This will hurt very very much, but it's the only thing I can do to achieve my full potential, the potential I've been wasting for so many years because I couldn't stop touching myself and wanting to watch to naked women.

So be it.
I'm writing a book, I'll register every moment of this journey. And when the book is ready, I'll give to the community for free.
But I have to show them it's possible to stop with this shit.
I have 3 months. Wish me luck.

May 3rd, 2025.

 

[Ren]

Day 0

Definitely difficult. It was 1 AM, I was burning down there, and images kept coming to my brain. Didn't relapse though, held the line strongly, was hella difficult but did it. Now we're on Day 1.

 

[Ren]

Day 1

Still very strong urges, but at least this time I'm actively fighting against it. I believe I'll stay strong with no problems, but can't deny this thing is difficult and not relapsing is very challenging. I'm not falling for the same tricks this time though.

 

[Ren]

Day 2

Still alive and without relapses, though yesterday was pure hell. Had to keep holding urges for the whole day, did maintain good habits throughout the day so I could avoid relapsing. Today was horny by the morning, a little bit less severe.

Gotta keep fighting. It's difficult now, I hope it gets easier later.

 

[Blondie]

You got this, @Ren.

 

[Ren]

You got this, @Ren.

Thanks for the support buddy!

 

[Ren]

Ah, dammit. It'll be a long night. The perfect scenario for relapsing, good thing I didn't drink coffee, I knew this could happen. Whatever, I'll stay awake until I'm so sleepy I have no energy to touch myself. If I fail now all progress will serve me for nothing.